TryingToLearn

Just found the forum thank goodness! My s/o is an alcoholic who is proud of the fact he drinks. No talking to him about it at all. He drinks on average 15 beers a day every day starting at noon. Throw in a little hard liquor at night too.

As I've struggled with his verbal abuse and meanness, I joined Al Anon and started learning to detach. I'm going to be leaving at some point and hoping it won't be too much longer. I need some money put aside to get my own place.

One of the areas I've detached is money. I used to support him totally and give him anything he wanted and my salary was going out the window on his spending. He recently went back to work and put his money in our checking account and I used it to pay our monthly bills meaning rent, utility, food, insurance, gas.

Now he's telling me I have to reimburse him. You know I live in such a FOG that I believed him and was getting ready to borrow money on my credit card out of guilt but then I realized I've been paying our mutual living expenses with that money.

I came here to see if it's okay to stand my ground and insist he contribute to the household expenses when he's working.

Oh and he's working for a friend and agreed to work for less than the current rate and when I asked him about that he told me no way would he charge a friend full rate.

Anyway, I've come a long way and I'm getting better but I still need some support and cant' afford to see a therapist at the moment.

Thanks for listening.

Stung

Welcome!!

Don't feel guilty. I personally do not make any money (I'm a stay at home mom) and am the primary spender of my family's money, but when I do eventually return to the workforce my income WILL be contributed to our joint expenses. Do you guys currently have separate checking accounts or separated expenses? I think considering him as owing you in back expenses is a little spiteful, but now that he's employed (regardless of position or wage, those are HIS choices) he should be contributing a fair share to joint expenses. He shouldn't be making up for past expenses though, however that is only my opinion.

honeypig

Welcome, TryingToLearn. Glad you found us here at SR and mighty glad you've got some support over at Alanon too. Sounds like you're off to a good start--kudos to you for reaching out for help.

I absolutely think he should be contributing to your household expenses! He lives there too, why on earth should he live for free? I think he should feel pretty lucky that you paid his way for so long already.

In our household, it's understood that both parties will work, that the money goes into a joint account and that that money is then used for all our costs of living--property taxes, groceries, car repairs, utility bills, etc. Each of us is free to spend a reasonable amount on social and hobby types of things. Any large expenditures for one party are to be discussed w/the other party. This was actually how I found out about the drinking--he was sneaking hundreds of dollars a month out of our account, which was not difficult, since he'd gradually worked his way into being the one who balanced the checkbook and so on.

I think it's nuts to say that you are "spending his money" when you use that money to pay for joint expenses. I think that you're smart to plan your escape sooner rather than later, and it would probably be a good idea to separate your finances as much as possible.

Hawkeye13

Why don't you calculate how much he owes you from supporting him drinking
and present him with a bill when he brings it up again?

JustAGirl1971

Welcome, Trying I'm sorry that you need us, but glad that you've found us. There's a lot of great information and support here. If you haven't checked out the stickies at the top of the page, you may want to do that.

May I ask why he wasn't working before? Was it an agreement you had, or did he just not have a job? I do think it's a normal, reasonable expectation that both working parties will contribute to the household expenses. If he were just a roommate, he would be expected to pay rent, right?

TryingToLearn

Thanks everyone for your help. JustAGirl, he doesn't want to work all that much and will work for friends only.

Hawkeye, I've made some rough calculations for myself but I can't talk to him. He's a very angry person - verbally not physically but if I mention anything I get yelled at. I've learned it's not worth it to try to talk because everything ends up being my fault in his world. It's a really toxic environment and I've stayed far too long but I've been worried about how he's going to make it without me and I've learned I should be trying to work on myself and my problems. This morning before he left he was talking about all the new toys he plans to buy with his earnings as if we all have the luxury of having no living expenses. It's a strange situation and I think the constant drinking has changed his thought process somehow which is why I start feeling bad for him. Thank you. I'm reading all the threads now.

JustAGirl1971

Whose name is on the lease? If it's yours, you have the right to legally evict him. If his name is on the lease and yours is not, then you can just walk away. Obviously, if both your names are on the lease, it will be tricky. Not trying to tell you what to do. I get it. I spent years feeling the same with my AH. He finally moved out in February and we are in the process of divorcing. And, you know what? He's surviving without me! And my house is so much more peaceful. It was a difficult choice but the right one for me.

I'm really sorry, Trying.

ResignedToWait

Wait...so he won't ask for full wages from a friend, but he wants you to reimburse him fully?

/sarcasm
Sounds like a lovely fellow.

TryingToLearn

Resigned to Wait - that's how I feel about it and how I've come to look at it. He's supposed to love me but he's more interested in how he appears to his friends.

JustAGirl, we are both on the lease.

AnvilheadII

it's good that you are seeing thru his BS. and going to alanon! and thinking this really needs to end....soon. keep going with that! you'll be amazed when this is behind you what a nice life you can have.

wanttobehealthy

This screams of narcissism and abuse... He treats you in ways he doesn't treat anyone else and expects things of you he doesn't expect of anyone else... He sounds entitled and you stated he is verbally abusive and acts this way only with you which shows he is in complete control of it and chooses when to lash out...

I think you are wise to be setting money aside to move (or you could ask HIM to move out).

It sounds like in addition to the alcoholism, there are abusive behaviors from him too which you most certainly do not deserve.

lillamy

Yes. It is. And when he's NOT working, he SHOULD be. If you weren't providing for him, he would work all the time.