darkfaith

Long rant...sorry


Why do I want to kill one pain by filling it with another? I've been dependant and addicted to drinking on and off (more on) since I was 14. Yet was finding if easier to say good bye to it than I am my other addiction, my ex husband. I just couldn't help myself and logged into his fb. I shouldn't have but it was so much temptation to know what he's doing. To see if he has been hurting like I have, that maybe it's just a phase he's going through. But sure enough the chick he was with the other weekend is now in his bed again. Why was I so blind to believe that it was a dream.

Why was I finding it easier to say good bye to a drug I have been addicted to for 20 years but I can't let go of the one I have been addicted to for only 10. I've been an emotional wreck and have made it through some pretty strong emotions and cravings but yet today it's 530am and all I want is a strong bourbon. And I know already I want more than one.

Please be strong today, please don't give in to my AV. It will only hurt me more in the long run and the short term. Please don't go near a bottlo. Please don't give him the satisfaction of letting me hurt myself.

doggonecarl

Drinking at someone doesn't hurt them, which you know. It's okay to feel hurt and pain darkfaith. It's one of the hardest things to deal with in sobriety, our emotions. But feeling them fully, not wanting to shut them down or shut them out is how grow as humans.

You can do this.

And delete him off your facebook...

Ghostlight1

I know the feeling. 'I'll get back at you by getting drunk'. Done that dozens of times. I didn't need much of an excuse to drink while I was trying to get sober.
Do yourself a favor, and save some misery, by not drinking.
I'm sorry about your boyfriend but drinking isn't going to bring him back.
I lost three girlfriends I loved because of drinking. Can't blame them, I was a drunk.

Be kind to yourself instead. Do something special for yourself. And maybe try and keep your mind off him.

Best to you.

darkfaith

Thanks guys. Managed to make it through another day sober. And actually came out the other end quite happy (ish) more so content I guess is the word I'm looking for.

Think it really came clear to me how toxic my marriage really was. I'm not blaming him for my drinking but I know I was always so stressed and felt neglected and unloved. Especially in the last 6-12 months. He again lied to my face tonight but I actually didn't want to drink afterwards. I had been wanting to all day and even driving there I wanted to stop and get a bourbon, but I think I actually felt free tonight after picking up my son from my ex. And yes I'll always have a problem with drinking and yes I need to take it one day at a time but I can actually see a light somewhere deep in the tunnel that I can get through things without having to have a drink.

Dee74

I'm glad you made it through.

I agree with Carl tho - block him on FB. You don't need to know what he's doing. He's an ex for a reason, yeah?

D

FreeOwl

I agree too!!

block the ex, stay on the sober path.....

way to make it through!

LBrain

Way to go darkfaith. Another one bites the dust - day that is. I know it's tough. Believe me I know. My drinking didn't help me one bit after my ex left. It just made me worse.

Good to hear you are staying strong.

LadyBlue0527

Hi darkfaith, Be careful of the AV, not only will it talk to you it will lead you to places it knows will cause pain and give you a reason to drink.

Some great advice here, block your ex. Going to see what he's doing is most likely not really about that. It's feeding the AV. No good can come from it.

This, also compliments of the AV

Statements like that set you up. It means that you are taking drinking into consideration. Change that thinking to "Day 10 and I WILL make it to the end sober".

It sucks what you're going through and I'm sorry. I hope you're ok.

Edited, I just saw your post! Good going!