my son's in the hospital
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25
my son's in the hospital
Hi, I'm new here. My son called me from the hospital yesterday. He's 27, his blood pressure was 180 and his liver enzymes were 4x's normal. We have been supporting him all of his adult life, he was in college most of the time. The last year has been a steady decline. He got a dui last month, but denies alcohol caused this near death experience. He calls daily. Sometimes several times a day. We go to his home 2-3 times a week to manage a crisis, because we won't give him cash. Its an hour's drive each way.
I had a big fight with my husband because he wanted to skip work and take him to the doctor. I called the doctor's office and arranged to pay the bill instead. My son looks sick, I didn't know how close to death he was. He says he's mostly bored now. I gave him 20$ for phone and tv service in the hospital. Since he doesn't work, his services are free. He won't sign up for health care. It makes it nearly impossible to do more. He's very moody, depressed and mean. We embrace the guilt, pouring over our parenting styles (like that matters).
I am struggling with his malnutrition and self-destructive behavior. I don't believe I can force him to help himself, but I can't leave him on the street. Sometimes I don't answer the phone because he spends hours telling me how I/we failed him. I can accept there are areas I flat out failed, but I think he needs to be covering that in a therapeutic setting. I can't fix this.
I have been in prayer today. God loves and cares for each of us. Knowing this gives me strength. I am weary but safe in that trust. I don't know how the future will unfold. I am thankful for the chance to have shared his life. I pray not to play a role in his destructive behavior.
I had a big fight with my husband because he wanted to skip work and take him to the doctor. I called the doctor's office and arranged to pay the bill instead. My son looks sick, I didn't know how close to death he was. He says he's mostly bored now. I gave him 20$ for phone and tv service in the hospital. Since he doesn't work, his services are free. He won't sign up for health care. It makes it nearly impossible to do more. He's very moody, depressed and mean. We embrace the guilt, pouring over our parenting styles (like that matters).
I am struggling with his malnutrition and self-destructive behavior. I don't believe I can force him to help himself, but I can't leave him on the street. Sometimes I don't answer the phone because he spends hours telling me how I/we failed him. I can accept there are areas I flat out failed, but I think he needs to be covering that in a therapeutic setting. I can't fix this.
I have been in prayer today. God loves and cares for each of us. Knowing this gives me strength. I am weary but safe in that trust. I don't know how the future will unfold. I am thankful for the chance to have shared his life. I pray not to play a role in his destructive behavior.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,312
Hi Life Road,
I'm really sorry for your situation.
You, your son, and all your family have my prayers and best wishes.
I know you'll find a lot of support and comfort here, and in our Family and Friends forums too.
D
I'm really sorry for your situation.
You, your son, and all your family have my prayers and best wishes.
I know you'll find a lot of support and comfort here, and in our Family and Friends forums too.
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Prayers for you! Sounds like you have a lot of faith. God will carry you through.
I did the guilt trip on my parents when I was in my 20's. They did the best they knew how at the time and I am sure you did too.
I did the guilt trip on my parents when I was in my 20's. They did the best they knew how at the time and I am sure you did too.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I'm not sure what to say; I'm sorry for what you're going through. It sounds like you're an intelligent, self aware and compassionate person. You're 100% right, you can't force him to take responsibility for his life. It's unlikely you're the author his problems, but it doesn't seem like he's ready to admit it. Don't blame yourself- addiction is his problem. Doesn't make him or you bad people, it just is what it is.
Have you checked into Al-Anon?
Good to have you here with us, LifeRoad!
Have you checked into Al-Anon?
Good to have you here with us, LifeRoad!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25
Thanks. I'm trying to stay firm, focused and on the path. I haven't done a really perfect job of that the last couple days. So today I will try to make my husband feel loved and valued. Its the long term effort that counts the most.
Told my older son his brother is in the hospital. He doesn't like to hear about it. I told him its OK, he can't fix this. We're all the victims of addiction.
Told my older son his brother is in the hospital. He doesn't like to hear about it. I told him its OK, he can't fix this. We're all the victims of addiction.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1,506
Originally Posted by LifeRoad 
Hi, I'm new here. My son called me from the hospital yesterday. He's 27, his blood pressure was 180 and his liver enzymes were 4x's normal. We have been supporting him all of his adult life, he was in college most of the time. The last year has been a steady decline. He got a dui last month, but denies alcohol caused this near death experience. He calls daily. Sometimes several times a day. We go to his home 2-3 times a week to manage a crisis, because we won't give him cash. Its an hour's drive each way.
I had a big fight with my husband because he wanted to skip work and take him to the doctor. I called the doctor's office and arranged to pay the bill instead. My son looks sick, I didn't know how close to death he was. He says he's mostly bored now. I gave him 20$ for phone and tv service in the hospital. Since he doesn't work, his services are free. He won't sign up for health care. It makes it nearly impossible to do more. He's very moody, depressed and mean. We embrace the guilt, pouring over our parenting styles (like that matters).
I am struggling with his malnutrition and self-destructive behavior. I don't believe I can force him to help himself, but I can't leave him on the street. Sometimes I don't answer the phone because he spends hours telling me how I/we failed him. I can accept there are areas I flat out failed, but I think he needs to be covering that in a therapeutic setting. I can't fix this.
I have been in prayer today. God loves and cares for each of us. Knowing this gives me strength. I am weary but safe in that trust. I don't know how the future will unfold. I am thankful for the chance to have shared his life. I pray not to play a role in his destructive behavior.
I had a big fight with my husband because he wanted to skip work and take him to the doctor. I called the doctor's office and arranged to pay the bill instead. My son looks sick, I didn't know how close to death he was. He says he's mostly bored now. I gave him 20$ for phone and tv service in the hospital. Since he doesn't work, his services are free. He won't sign up for health care. It makes it nearly impossible to do more. He's very moody, depressed and mean. We embrace the guilt, pouring over our parenting styles (like that matters).
I am struggling with his malnutrition and self-destructive behavior. I don't believe I can force him to help himself, but I can't leave him on the street. Sometimes I don't answer the phone because he spends hours telling me how I/we failed him. I can accept there are areas I flat out failed, but I think he needs to be covering that in a therapeutic setting. I can't fix this.
I have been in prayer today. God loves and cares for each of us. Knowing this gives me strength. I am weary but safe in that trust. I don't know how the future will unfold. I am thankful for the chance to have shared his life. I pray not to play a role in his destructive behavior.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I have no idea how awful and helpless this must all feel....
welcome. I hope you can find some support and strength here, as well as perhaps some ideas and understanding toward getting your son some help.
Sounds like he's yet to reach the point he WANTS help, which will be a big barrier.
But in the meantime, get yourselves help and support. This is a good place, but also look into Alanon or other such groups in your area for some direct support and community.
Perhaps the hospital has access to some on-site family and addiction support resources. Maybe you can get some third-party help. A local AA group may be a source for someone in recovery who could come visit with your son.... it may help.... it's worth a shot.
strength, faith and centeredness to you in this difficult time.
welcome. I hope you can find some support and strength here, as well as perhaps some ideas and understanding toward getting your son some help.
Sounds like he's yet to reach the point he WANTS help, which will be a big barrier.
But in the meantime, get yourselves help and support. This is a good place, but also look into Alanon or other such groups in your area for some direct support and community.
Perhaps the hospital has access to some on-site family and addiction support resources. Maybe you can get some third-party help. A local AA group may be a source for someone in recovery who could come visit with your son.... it may help.... it's worth a shot.
strength, faith and centeredness to you in this difficult time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 125
DO NOT blame yourself. Sure, every parent messes up somewhere down the line. I am 29 and I used to self-mutilate myself in high school. I tried to blame my parents for that, but, it really was not their fault. They were not terrible parents. My Dad had a TERRIBLE temper, I mean TERRIBLE. Said things you really could not take back. (And he said awful things to me at a VERY early age. 1st grade...) Do I think that was the reason for my self mutilation, addiction to alcohol / other stuff? I don't think so... He apologized and blamed himself, but, when it comes down to it, I was just drowning my misery because I was an underachiever by nature. Never thought I was smart enough / cool enough so I hung out with a crowd that did crazy stuff and drugs, and wow! I was accepted into the "cool group". That cool group lingered until I was 27 and got pregnant...and then I continued the path to sobriety.
Your son will have to make a choice. Unfortunately, you cannot help him (it sounds like). The only thing you can do is love love love love. Just love him. Do not accept his ways, but, just tell him that you will always be there for him, but you will not give him finances to support his addiction. If he needs something (jacket, food, etcetera), you go to the store and get him what he says that he needs. (Even if he REALLY is just looking for the money.)
Much love, good thoughts, and prayers...
xoxo- Nat
Your son will have to make a choice. Unfortunately, you cannot help him (it sounds like). The only thing you can do is love love love love. Just love him. Do not accept his ways, but, just tell him that you will always be there for him, but you will not give him finances to support his addiction. If he needs something (jacket, food, etcetera), you go to the store and get him what he says that he needs. (Even if he REALLY is just looking for the money.)
Much love, good thoughts, and prayers...
xoxo- Nat
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Minneapolis, MN, USA
Posts: 164
I would highly recomend Alanon, or another family support group, and the family support groups here. There are no easy or guaranteed answers, and talking to others in your situation is probably the best action you can take. Try to find someone you trust who is has been through this (or still is). This should help you get outside your own emotions and see what others have done and how its gone for them. In this way you will have some support if and when you decide to take action.
Best of wishes
Best of wishes
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
I'm really sorry you're going through this. There are no easy answers, and you've definitely come to the right place. As mentioned, the friends and family forums here at SR are an incredible source of support and insights for people in your position.
I'm on the other side of the line—I was the one doing the drinking. And I spent years blaming everyone and everything for it. My parents, ex-wife, society, the universe.... everything but me. It was only after I realized I was the problem, that the reason I drank was because I was an alcoholic, only then was I able to take action. People who cared about me could point me in the direction, but they couldn't make me go, or even really look that way. I had to reach that point on my own.
When you're in the bubble of addiction, the world looks upside down. The addiction has a way of warping reality to serve its own needs. I thought I drank because I was bored, lonely, or depressed, when in fact I was bored, lonely, and depressed because my life revolved around alcohol. And I blamed others, painted myself as a victim, because it allowed me dodge responsibility for my own life.
I have no easy answers for your son, but I do hope you and your husband will stop searching for reasons this happened. Some studies suggest there may be a biological basis for it, a genetic predisposition toward it, and that it sometimes can skip multiple generations. Who knows. Maybe I just liked drinking too much, and gradually addiction crept up on me. Whatever the case may be, when your son lashes out, remember it's the addiction talking. It's not about you at all. It's not even really about him, specifically. He's just doing what addicts do.
You're a great mom. Keep hoping, keep trying, but stop second-guessing yourself. You can only do so much.
I'm on the other side of the line—I was the one doing the drinking. And I spent years blaming everyone and everything for it. My parents, ex-wife, society, the universe.... everything but me. It was only after I realized I was the problem, that the reason I drank was because I was an alcoholic, only then was I able to take action. People who cared about me could point me in the direction, but they couldn't make me go, or even really look that way. I had to reach that point on my own.
When you're in the bubble of addiction, the world looks upside down. The addiction has a way of warping reality to serve its own needs. I thought I drank because I was bored, lonely, or depressed, when in fact I was bored, lonely, and depressed because my life revolved around alcohol. And I blamed others, painted myself as a victim, because it allowed me dodge responsibility for my own life.
I have no easy answers for your son, but I do hope you and your husband will stop searching for reasons this happened. Some studies suggest there may be a biological basis for it, a genetic predisposition toward it, and that it sometimes can skip multiple generations. Who knows. Maybe I just liked drinking too much, and gradually addiction crept up on me. Whatever the case may be, when your son lashes out, remember it's the addiction talking. It's not about you at all. It's not even really about him, specifically. He's just doing what addicts do.
You're a great mom. Keep hoping, keep trying, but stop second-guessing yourself. You can only do so much.
I hope your son chooses to be sober for himself. In the meantime, take good care of yourself. 
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,506
Welcome LifeRoad. You're among people who understand and care. Do check out our Friends & Family Forum - many there have been through the same sort of thing with their loved ones. Glad you are here, hope it helps with the anxiety & frustration you're feeling.
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