TitiEmily

My AS has been texting and calling me repeatedly all day yesterday and today, telling me he is about to be homeless because he can't pay his weekly rent this week. His friend had a brain aneurysm that ruptured, and she is in a coma, and so he has not been able to "work" (which possibly means "deal drugs") this week because he has been spending all his time at the hospital.

I told him that I love him and I hate to see him struggling, but he got himself into this situation (dealing drugs out of my house, got me arrested, went on the run as a fugitive) and he will have to figure out how to get himself out of it. I also suggested that he could call his case planner (he is--or WAS--my foster son, still has an open foster care case and a foster care worker), or he could sell some of his belongings to pay his rent. Of course, neither of those options was acceptable to him. He does not want to be placed in another home like an "object," and he doesn't have any of his belongings anymore.

I have not answered any of his phone calls, but he continues to text me, telling me I am being cruel for not helping him, he is screaming for help, he is begging me and I am ignoring him, he can't think of any solution but to kill himself, please can I just pay his rent this week, he knows he has been messing up recently but I am supposed to be there to help him, he just needs a little time to figure out what to do, on and on and on.

Meanwhile, I saw a picture of him that he posted online DURING THE HOURS HE WAS TEXTING ME of him out having dinner at a restaurant.

I also texted him that he never wants to listen to any of my advice, he never wants to follow any of my rules, he wants to do everything his way, but then when everything falls apart he wants me to fix it all for him, and I can't do that anymore.

I KNOW he is just being manipulative. He can figure this out. But this is a new, VERY new, pattern of behavior for me and I am really, really struggling. Always before, I gave in to him and fell for his lies and his manipulative tactics. So now I feel guilty and terrible, even though I know I shouldn't. I keep imagining him alone and sad and scared and feeling abandoned and unloved.

Guess I just need support/wisdom from people who have been in this spot before. I am really struggling, really feeling terrible.

Thanks.

Hawkeye13

Perhaps for now you could block the texts and let him figure it out?

Rescuing him up to now has not led him to stopping drugs or dealing.
He has the other resources you mentioned to call.
If he really needs help, he can get it.

You've already been arrested for his dealing. I think NO is the smart response.
Sorry you are hurting, but in the long run, don't you think he needs to face consequences to ever have hope of stopping drugs?

SadWife7

My situation does not lend itself to having advice for you, and it would be so hard to go through that with your child. Seems like you are doing what you know is right though-I would just tell him again that you love him, and that the situation was created by him & he must deal with it.
Good luck to you!!!! Don't beat yourself up, regardless of what choice you make, or what choice he makes.

Kindeyes

First, I'm sorry that you're dealing with this......I do understand how very difficult it is.....they can use all of the very effective tools of manipulation. You are a kind and loving mother and make a perfect target for F.O.G. tactics.

My son has been homeless and technically is homeless now. But somehow he always lands on his feet......I am just an option and not a very good one for either of us.

Saying "no" doesn't mean that we don't love them. It took me a long time to realize that every time I rescued my son, I was sending a powerful message of "you are incapable without me". That's not a very loving message at all.

Give him the dignity to figure out a solution for himself. The message that sends is "I believe in you."

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

TitiEmily

Yes, I know you are absolutely correct...that is why I am working so hard now at changing this pattern and NOT giving in to him....seems like it should be easy, but it is really, really hard for me.

I have started therapy, and we are discussing issues of codependency, which I obviously have.

I do believe I am doing the right thing, but I feel terrible inside.

FeelingGreat

Hi Emily, if he's used to you giving in, expect an extended grade A tantrum. Once he gets the message it should ease off, but it might take a few goes before he does get the message.

Well done in dealing so stingily with him. You're doing the right thing.

TitiEmily

I just got home from work. He robbed my house.

FeelingGreat

OMG Emily! Are you planning to call the police? So sorry it's escalated to this - I hope you're ok.

bookreader

OMG Emily -
Your brief post was so powerful.
I think we try to help as much as possible and then find the addict violates our lives by stealing our money and belongings - and we were trying to help this person.....
The first thing I tell anyone who might have an addict in their lives - do not let them know your PIN number.
Not meaning to minimize your situation. I hate coming home to find I have been robbed by someone I know.....
and it has happened many times....
b.

TitiEmily

I did call the cops. I'm fine right now but he will probably kill me when he finds out I reported it. I may try to stay somewhere else for a few days.

FeelingGreat

Emily if you fear violence from this man, please let the cops know, as well as the foster agency. It sounds like he's escalating. Have you changed the locks? Please take care of yourself.

TitiEmily

Thanks so much for the concern, FeelingGreat. The locks were changed months ago, he does not have keys, I believe he came in thru a window. I told both the cops and the foster care agency about my concerns. Cops had nothing to say...you know they can't do anything until he actually commits an act of violence. Foster care worker is sympathetic but can't really do anything, either.

I don't know, this sucks....and I'll be honest, part of me is just thinking, Well, I'm sure glad I stood strong and didn't give him any money! This tough love thing is working out great!

Kindeyes

There is something you can do so that the cops have the tools to do their jobs. At one point a few years ago, I filed a restraining order against my own son. I hated having to do it. I also filed an "anti-harrassment" order against my XAH. They were temporary but empowering. If he comes near you or your home or work, the police will then be able to do something about it....before he commits an act of violence.

The only problem with this is that the restraining order means you can't seek him out either......so it's important to be sure that this is what you want. If you are truly afraid for your safety, this is a very viable option.

I'm so sorry that your house was robbed. I'm glad you're reaching out for support and getting counseling.

gentle hugs
ke

Ilovemysonjj

Dear TitiEmily, our son robbed our home and broke into a very heavy, large safe and took the last of my jewelry and our money. We filed a police report and 5 months later (while my son was a fugitive) he finally got arrested. It was a long process and he spent time in jail, but today he is working on his recovery and working a real job (first one in over two years) and preparing to move out. Be strong, file your report and let your son learn from his consequences.
Hugs from another Momma who has been here.
TT

Ann

TitiEmily, are you sure you're not "me"? My son is also my foster son but I always loved him like my own. He stole from me, he lied, when clean he was allowed to live at home to get back on his feet and never once did that end well.

I know your pain, I know the "stories" you are getting. I know their desperation for drugs and their rage when we won't fall for their ploys anymore. I know how all this hurts your heart.

My son has been missing 10 years now, lost in his addiction somewhere unknown. I will always love him, he knows that, but I don't seek him out or search for him because once I find him...then what? Repeat the cycle and do the codependent dance? It almost killed me the first time, I cannot do that anymore.

I am sorry your son broke into your home. If I have one regret it is that I did not press charges against my son, but I did ban him from coming into my home and, like Kindeyes, I also took out a restraining order against him for a while when I was afraid of what he might do when he was using.

Do what you have to do to keep yourself safe. If you feel in danger, trust your instincts and go stay with someone safe. Take out a restraint order and perhaps install a good alarm system in your home, they aren't as expensive as you think.

My prayers go out for you because I know how you feel...because I WAS you a few years back.

Hugs