Another open letter
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 233
Another open letter
Wish I was more involved here. Wish people here understood who I am. And while this may be a bunch of drunken garble, it is still true.
I am so much alone. So much. Profoundly lonely, is how I see it. I try to reach out and have friends, but in the end, **** people off. I even tried with one of the forum moderators on this site, to say what I thought, but no, struck down again.
Maybe AA is right, that I truly am selfish. I feel bad that I wasn't nice to others and want to draw away from everyone and this site was my help and support. Believe it or not, the fact that I made it five days was something for me.
Yet, I make people mad, I guess, they don't like me, they don't want to hear what I say and I know this is just a message board. That is all it is.
And I don't want your sympathy. I don't want you to care if you don't. I just need something, anything to hold on to. I want someone to care about me for once.
I spend so much time working, working, working and it is all I have. I talked to my mother on the phone tonight and I said to her that no, after 19 years at a job, I didn't see them as friends, just coworkers. Is that normal? I have no idea. I had work to do. The work always seems more important than relationships to me. That if I work super hard, at some point that means something to someone. But I guess not, I guess the interpersonal relationships mean more and I don't know how to put them at the top of my priorities. When I have all this work to do and you all are interferring for what I am trying to get done, from a good heart, for you. Do you not appreciate that I did it at all?
I feel ostrasized from this site. Like I made people angry. Like I had no right to question a post, like I have no friends until I want to slink away and get drunk for whatever anguish I caused.
Like I have been trying to get involved here and trust others, but then when I speak my opinion I am disregarded, told I was wrong and scuttle away with my tail between my legs, for saying it at all.
I can honestly say I do not know how to get involved without being hurt. Without someone telling me what I say, is wrong. Without feeling bad because I said it at all. A friend in AA said to get involved with something and I was, but until what? You dislike me for being me or what am I missing here? Is it not o.k. to have my thoughts, feelings, etc. without having to feel like I ostrazised someone for it? I mean ugh! I am so angry and frustrated beyond everything.
Someone please tell me where it is o.k. to be me without pissing everyone off or having them not appreciate me for who I am.
I just do not get it where I am me and people love me for who I am, or I guess they hate me and I am doing the wrong thing. I don't know.
Sorry I cannot play by the rules of whatever. I don't understand what they are. I really don't.
I am so much alone. So much. Profoundly lonely, is how I see it. I try to reach out and have friends, but in the end, **** people off. I even tried with one of the forum moderators on this site, to say what I thought, but no, struck down again.
Maybe AA is right, that I truly am selfish. I feel bad that I wasn't nice to others and want to draw away from everyone and this site was my help and support. Believe it or not, the fact that I made it five days was something for me.
Yet, I make people mad, I guess, they don't like me, they don't want to hear what I say and I know this is just a message board. That is all it is.
And I don't want your sympathy. I don't want you to care if you don't. I just need something, anything to hold on to. I want someone to care about me for once.
I spend so much time working, working, working and it is all I have. I talked to my mother on the phone tonight and I said to her that no, after 19 years at a job, I didn't see them as friends, just coworkers. Is that normal? I have no idea. I had work to do. The work always seems more important than relationships to me. That if I work super hard, at some point that means something to someone. But I guess not, I guess the interpersonal relationships mean more and I don't know how to put them at the top of my priorities. When I have all this work to do and you all are interferring for what I am trying to get done, from a good heart, for you. Do you not appreciate that I did it at all?
I feel ostrasized from this site. Like I made people angry. Like I had no right to question a post, like I have no friends until I want to slink away and get drunk for whatever anguish I caused.
Like I have been trying to get involved here and trust others, but then when I speak my opinion I am disregarded, told I was wrong and scuttle away with my tail between my legs, for saying it at all.
I can honestly say I do not know how to get involved without being hurt. Without someone telling me what I say, is wrong. Without feeling bad because I said it at all. A friend in AA said to get involved with something and I was, but until what? You dislike me for being me or what am I missing here? Is it not o.k. to have my thoughts, feelings, etc. without having to feel like I ostrazised someone for it? I mean ugh! I am so angry and frustrated beyond everything.
Someone please tell me where it is o.k. to be me without pissing everyone off or having them not appreciate me for who I am.
I just do not get it where I am me and people love me for who I am, or I guess they hate me and I am doing the wrong thing. I don't know.
Sorry I cannot play by the rules of whatever. I don't understand what they are. I really don't.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
You're not that powerful to change the way I feel unless I consent.
I have a few people I can be around at work I can communicate with . I distance myself from people with a negative attitude.
Could it be you're giving off a negative attitude and not mean to?
I have a few people I can be around at work I can communicate with . I distance myself from people with a negative attitude.
Could it be you're giving off a negative attitude and not mean to?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 233
And I respect your posts, Captainzing, I do, because you believe in AA. But if I never know something, if no one EVER respects what I say, than what? I am the doormat. I am the slave. I am nothing, really, am I?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hey. Have you joined a class here? I was fortunate to start posting around the same time as a few other posters who are here pretty consistently so I feel like I have made friends here.
This might be the internet but we still have a way of impacting each other. Maybe getting involved with a class here would be a good way to get your training wheels if you are unsure about how you are perceived.
If you are in your own head too much in early sobriety…you're behind enemy lines.
This might be the internet but we still have a way of impacting each other. Maybe getting involved with a class here would be a good way to get your training wheels if you are unsure about how you are perceived.
If you are in your own head too much in early sobriety…you're behind enemy lines.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 233
If God is love, like it says in the Bible, than why cannot they do that for who I am? Why am I always the one who has to understand? Why? Can no one give it up for me? Ever? Can no one love me enough to gain their love, admiration, nothing? I always have to understand them, care more, because I am the drunk with the weakness, always. And somehow this if fair in life? I have no opinion, I am selfish, always and want nothing in return? Always?
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
After John 3:16, it may be one of the most quoted passages in literature. It's from Page 449 (first 3 editions, pg. 417 in the 4th edition) of Alcoholics Anonymous or The Big Book as it is widely known:
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance!
The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.
Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavoir." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.
I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.
I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.
Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.
That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity.
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance!
The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.
Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavoir." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.
I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.
I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.
Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.
That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 233
No real answer Dee, except once again, you are not hearing me. But hey, if you are RIGHT and I am wrong, again, than so be it. Same as it has always been. Hats off to you for being the moderator.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Who's Online: 517 (107 registered members and 410 visiting guests)
If you want to make friends, sober up, join the 24 hours club and join the class of March.
If you want to make friends in the real world, get off the pity pot and start volunteering or participating in some activity/sport/hobby with others. No one wants to hang out with a teary drunk who is wallowing in self pity. It's up to you whether you are alone or make good friends.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 233
Can I control them, no. Can I make them see it my way, no. Can I make them love me, no. Here's to a great life of being "stoic," not trusting them or what I may want from them either and standing on my laurels. Yeeeeeeeee hawwwwwwww!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: South Shore, MA
Posts: 348
Gibbons, if I interpret your post correctly, you start by saying it
Might be drunken garble. Trust me, I have written more than my fair share of texts, posts that I regret. Get some sleep an start again tomorrow.
Might be drunken garble. Trust me, I have written more than my fair share of texts, posts that I regret. Get some sleep an start again tomorrow.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 233
Carlotta,
If you want to make friends, sober up, join the 24 hours club and join the class of March.
If you want to make friends in the real world, get off the pity pot and start volunteering or participating in some activity/sport/hobby with others. No one wants to hang out with a teary drunk who is wallowing in self pity. It's up to you whether you are alone or make good friends.
Yeah, I tried that and then Dad pointed a gun in my face at the age of 12. Shrug, I was nice to him though.
If you want to make friends, sober up, join the 24 hours club and join the class of March.
If you want to make friends in the real world, get off the pity pot and start volunteering or participating in some activity/sport/hobby with others. No one wants to hang out with a teary drunk who is wallowing in self pity. It's up to you whether you are alone or make good friends.
Yeah, I tried that and then Dad pointed a gun in my face at the age of 12. Shrug, I was nice to him though.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I'm sorry for the bad things in your past.
I think there comes a time tho when we have to decide - either we keep letting those dreadful things define us, or we find a way through to healing.
I chose the latter - I really hope you will too Gibbons
D
I think there comes a time tho when we have to decide - either we keep letting those dreadful things define us, or we find a way through to healing.
I chose the latter - I really hope you will too Gibbons
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 104
Sounds like you are sounding a little sorry for yourself there Gib'. The booze isolates you because that's the way it likes it. That's when it has the most control. Stop drinking and you will stop isolating. I worked like a demon when I drank until sobered up and realized I had no balance in my life. None whatsoever. You can't have been that successful in pissing people off and having everyone dislike you because I for one like you just fine. You're struggling at the moment. That's all. Alcohol causes depression and paranoia.
No quitting on yer quit eh!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 3,870
Hey Gibbs, sometimes I want to take someone by the shoulders, shake them, and say wake up! We all have our crosses to carry, some more deeply than others.... but you have to get rid of the hatred in your heart and open it up for healing.... somewhere, sometime, someone hurt you....... you have to accept that, get professional help if needed, but don't blame others...... it's what we all do to make up for our failings..... don't give in.... reach out with an open heart and mind...... your peace will come if you give it a chance...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I'm sorry for the bad things in your past.
I think there comes a time tho when we have to decide - either we keep letting those dreadful things define us, or we find a way through to healing.
I chose the latter - I really hope you will too Gibbons
D
I think there comes a time tho when we have to decide - either we keep letting those dreadful things define us, or we find a way through to healing.
I chose the latter - I really hope you will too Gibbons
D
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