XAH abused DD8
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XAH abused DD8
I didn't post this right away this week bc I had to compartmentalize until I had some info/help. Too overwhelming otherwise to think and talk about it.
DD8returned home from a visit at the park w him on Sunday w a mark on her cheek.
She tried to tell me what happened and her father sent her in the house and minimized/denied etc and said she wouldn't listen to him, she fell and was being silly and immature and he grabbed her by the collar, she slipped and fell and is being "hysterical like you".
I was eerily calm and nodded and appeased him to get him to leave ASAP. Told him I understood and I'd take care of it.
She told me a very differnt story which I of course 100% believe. She wasn't listening to him and sat down refusing to leave at the park. He screamed at her and she was mouthy back. He grabbed her by the coat collar and ripped it and screamed some more at her then threw her on the ground and she hit a snow/ice pile which scraped up her face. This was repeated several times.
The girls were both sick w sore throats Monday and I kept them home. I took them to the doctor and therapist. Photos were taken and DCYF called.
I made it clear I would not allow them to be interviewed by DCYF if the same inept worker was assigned. I spoke to the head supervisor for the state bc I made enough noise (in a sane calm way but firm) & a new worker called yesterday and interviewed the girls separately for an hour each.
She then met w me and said my children were brave, articulate and clearly afraid of their father. She offered me to stay w them while she met w them but I knew it would be better for her to hear on their own from them what happened and she told me her concerns were heightened by the fact they reported identical stories alone to her.
I showed her the photo of DD's face and figured why not share w her earlier concerns that other workers ignored (flask under car seat, abusing me in front of them, etc). She wrote it all down and today was consulting w DCYF attorneys about how to get an ex parte order to change the parenting arrangement where he is EVER in my house w them.
She told me what she was recommending and it is that he have public visitation w them, no overnights, that he submit to a second batterers eval (he has to do one through the court bc of the assault charges) and she said that the judge and my lawyer are both putting my kids at risk by supporting the insane parenting plan we have.
I told my lawyer all this today. Politely. No reply. My next move is to request a change of judge bc the judge who created this order did it based on XAH's lawyers proposal and didn't hear my side bc I wasn't represented at that time.
I'm not shocked he did this. I'm shocked he wasn't more discreet about it and shocked he left a mark to make it easy for me to fight for their safety.
I'm angry, but calm. I'm going to fight until I can't fit anymore to keep them safe and I finally have DCYF helping.
The DCYF worker said she was going to have the dom violence specialist call me today, have her supervisor review her notes and help me get legal help to keep him from harming the girls anymore. She referred to him as a batterer repeatedly and clearly sees him for what he is. She said he would likely be charming and suave and has allies and is well respected and that all of that highlights the fact he is an abuser. So she gets it and I pray she can help me make the system keep my kids safe.
DD8returned home from a visit at the park w him on Sunday w a mark on her cheek.
She tried to tell me what happened and her father sent her in the house and minimized/denied etc and said she wouldn't listen to him, she fell and was being silly and immature and he grabbed her by the collar, she slipped and fell and is being "hysterical like you".
I was eerily calm and nodded and appeased him to get him to leave ASAP. Told him I understood and I'd take care of it.
She told me a very differnt story which I of course 100% believe. She wasn't listening to him and sat down refusing to leave at the park. He screamed at her and she was mouthy back. He grabbed her by the coat collar and ripped it and screamed some more at her then threw her on the ground and she hit a snow/ice pile which scraped up her face. This was repeated several times.
The girls were both sick w sore throats Monday and I kept them home. I took them to the doctor and therapist. Photos were taken and DCYF called.
I made it clear I would not allow them to be interviewed by DCYF if the same inept worker was assigned. I spoke to the head supervisor for the state bc I made enough noise (in a sane calm way but firm) & a new worker called yesterday and interviewed the girls separately for an hour each.
She then met w me and said my children were brave, articulate and clearly afraid of their father. She offered me to stay w them while she met w them but I knew it would be better for her to hear on their own from them what happened and she told me her concerns were heightened by the fact they reported identical stories alone to her.
I showed her the photo of DD's face and figured why not share w her earlier concerns that other workers ignored (flask under car seat, abusing me in front of them, etc). She wrote it all down and today was consulting w DCYF attorneys about how to get an ex parte order to change the parenting arrangement where he is EVER in my house w them.
She told me what she was recommending and it is that he have public visitation w them, no overnights, that he submit to a second batterers eval (he has to do one through the court bc of the assault charges) and she said that the judge and my lawyer are both putting my kids at risk by supporting the insane parenting plan we have.
I told my lawyer all this today. Politely. No reply. My next move is to request a change of judge bc the judge who created this order did it based on XAH's lawyers proposal and didn't hear my side bc I wasn't represented at that time.
I'm not shocked he did this. I'm shocked he wasn't more discreet about it and shocked he left a mark to make it easy for me to fight for their safety.
I'm angry, but calm. I'm going to fight until I can't fit anymore to keep them safe and I finally have DCYF helping.
The DCYF worker said she was going to have the dom violence specialist call me today, have her supervisor review her notes and help me get legal help to keep him from harming the girls anymore. She referred to him as a batterer repeatedly and clearly sees him for what he is. She said he would likely be charming and suave and has allies and is well respected and that all of that highlights the fact he is an abuser. So she gets it and I pray she can help me make the system keep my kids safe.
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She then met w me and said my children were brave, articulate and clearly afraid of their father. She offered me to stay w them while she met w them but I knew it would be better for her to hear on their own from them what happened and she told me her concerns were heightened by the fact they reported identical stories alone to her.
WHEN the DV spec calls -- ASK if they have lawyers working pro bono for them.
I will be praying hard for you that this is the turning point, that you WILL get the support and help of the legal system to protect yourself and those children.
Lots of love to you.
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I thought when this day came (and I have NO doubt it has occurred before and I didn't know it) I would be a puddle of tears and unable to function. Knowing my kids have been abused by their "father" is not a day I thought I would find myself able to function on...
Instead, I feel like I just got equipped with bullet proof armour and am ready to charge into the line of fire with no fear bc NO ONE least of all the POS whose sperm contributed to my kids, is EVER going to hurt them EVER again...
His façade is crumbling... fast... I have proof and am going to fight to keep them safe no matter what that means for him. He is choosing these behaviors and I am choosing to fight back.
Im saving my anger for here and being the consummate calm, well spoken, sane mom I am with the authorities bc being hysterical does not help (learned that one the hard way over the years).
The supervisor I worked my way up to actually told me she appreciated my ability to calmly and clearly tell her why I wouldn't tolerate the other worker and that I sounded perfectly reasonable in my concerns... A far cry from the worker who asked me if I provoked xAH into hitting me...
I am all but sure I will be non renewed from my teaching job at the end of the year bc of the amt of time I have missed due to court issues and sick kids (emotional toll makes them physically sick and my older daughter has SEVERE anxiety). I realized yesterday with the DCYF worker that if I am unemployed I am eligible for legal aid through them so I am actually hoping that I lose my job bc until I do I am either doing this on my own or keeping my useless money sucking lawyer who has told me for months to cooperate with xAH and appease and that will get me what I want...
I told her once she didn't understand him and she threatened to quit just before a hearing if I didn't trust her... Clearly I should have let her quit but that's a whole separate matter...
Instead, I feel like I just got equipped with bullet proof armour and am ready to charge into the line of fire with no fear bc NO ONE least of all the POS whose sperm contributed to my kids, is EVER going to hurt them EVER again...
His façade is crumbling... fast... I have proof and am going to fight to keep them safe no matter what that means for him. He is choosing these behaviors and I am choosing to fight back.
Im saving my anger for here and being the consummate calm, well spoken, sane mom I am with the authorities bc being hysterical does not help (learned that one the hard way over the years).
The supervisor I worked my way up to actually told me she appreciated my ability to calmly and clearly tell her why I wouldn't tolerate the other worker and that I sounded perfectly reasonable in my concerns... A far cry from the worker who asked me if I provoked xAH into hitting me...
I am all but sure I will be non renewed from my teaching job at the end of the year bc of the amt of time I have missed due to court issues and sick kids (emotional toll makes them physically sick and my older daughter has SEVERE anxiety). I realized yesterday with the DCYF worker that if I am unemployed I am eligible for legal aid through them so I am actually hoping that I lose my job bc until I do I am either doing this on my own or keeping my useless money sucking lawyer who has told me for months to cooperate with xAH and appease and that will get me what I want...
I told her once she didn't understand him and she threatened to quit just before a hearing if I didn't trust her... Clearly I should have let her quit but that's a whole separate matter...
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I can't get over how difficult it had to be for your DD8 to stand up to XAH like that & then to be able to discuss it all with the case worker. This is just amazing considering all of her struggles, she has come SO FAR and she has YOU to thank for that. Way to go, Mama!!
Sending continued prayers that your new rep rakes him over the coals & exposes him for the monster that we already know he is. What a SOB for putting his hands on his little girl like that!!
Sending continued prayers that your new rep rakes him over the coals & exposes him for the monster that we already know he is. What a SOB for putting his hands on his little girl like that!!
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You are AWESOME. I hope you realize that.
That man did not know what he did. He just released the (*#@)&)#$ KRAKEN.
The Grizzly Mama.
You will get through this. You will protect those children. And you will be OK. All of you. Your children will see you fighting for them. You will breathe deeply and stand tall and KNOW that the truth will win out in the end.
I am so proud of you. You have kept it classy, kept your sanity, and it will pay off in the end.
That man did not know what he did. He just released the (*#@)&)#$ KRAKEN.
The Grizzly Mama.
You will get through this. You will protect those children. And you will be OK. All of you. Your children will see you fighting for them. You will breathe deeply and stand tall and KNOW that the truth will win out in the end.
I am so proud of you. You have kept it classy, kept your sanity, and it will pay off in the end.
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My DD8 has been with the same therapist for over a year and the therapist has been a GODsend! She has encouraged her every single week to speak up for herself and tell the truth no matter what...
The DCYF worker actually said that DD6 was much more direct and blunt about her dad's behavior AND said she was very afraid of him and that DD8 was honest but held back as would be expected in a kid who is abused and terrified of retaliation.
She told me straight out when she and I met alone that they get lots of calls during custody fights and it's sometimes hard to discern what's real and what's posturing but that there is NO doubt in her mind that he is a batterer and was toward me and now has moved on to the more compliant and easier child to victimize which is DD8.
It was heartbreaking to hear someone else make that observation bc I have seen it coming for a long time...
DD6 would be apt to hit him right back and she is as feisty as, well, me
DD8 is sweet and compliant and the "perfect" kid who I am scared for bc I was that kid too and look where it got me...
But it is wonderful that she feels safe with me, and her therapist and the DCYF worker and told the truth and I will NOT let this go away or be swept under the rug without a fight...
The DCYF worker actually said that DD6 was much more direct and blunt about her dad's behavior AND said she was very afraid of him and that DD8 was honest but held back as would be expected in a kid who is abused and terrified of retaliation.
She told me straight out when she and I met alone that they get lots of calls during custody fights and it's sometimes hard to discern what's real and what's posturing but that there is NO doubt in her mind that he is a batterer and was toward me and now has moved on to the more compliant and easier child to victimize which is DD8.
It was heartbreaking to hear someone else make that observation bc I have seen it coming for a long time...
DD6 would be apt to hit him right back and she is as feisty as, well, me
DD8 is sweet and compliant and the "perfect" kid who I am scared for bc I was that kid too and look where it got me...But it is wonderful that she feels safe with me, and her therapist and the DCYF worker and told the truth and I will NOT let this go away or be swept under the rug without a fight...
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
You are AWESOME. I hope you realize that.
That man did not know what he did. He just released the (*#@)&)#$ KRAKEN.
The Grizzly Mama.
You will get through this. You will protect those children. And you will be OK. All of you. Your children will see you fighting for them. You will breathe deeply and stand tall and KNOW that the truth will win out in the end.
I am so proud of you. You have kept it classy, kept your sanity, and it will pay off in the end.
That man did not know what he did. He just released the (*#@)&)#$ KRAKEN.
The Grizzly Mama.
You will get through this. You will protect those children. And you will be OK. All of you. Your children will see you fighting for them. You will breathe deeply and stand tall and KNOW that the truth will win out in the end.
I am so proud of you. You have kept it classy, kept your sanity, and it will pay off in the end.
This made me laugh (even though I appreciate the sincerity of the compliment) bc did you see my remark about the sperm donor POS he is just above? I was thinking that maybe that wasn't the classiest thing to say!
And the jury is still out on my sanity
But
nonetheless for the kudos...You Lillamy have been through the wringer too and your kids and I think of your story and your fight to protect them daily and am not going to give up anymore than you did when it comes to protecting my kids!
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"POS sperm donor" is classy compared to some of the words that went through my head. 
What you say here and in Al-Anon doesn't count. It's what you do when you're dealing with authorities that matters.
What you say here and in Al-Anon doesn't count. It's what you do when you're dealing with authorities that matters.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Originally Posted by lillamy
That man did not know what he did. He just released the (*#@)&)#$ KRAKEN.
Scaredy Squirrel doesn't fit you any more...
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it didn't seem right to click your thanks button but i wanted to offer love and support to you and especially to your brave little girls. i am just sick that it came to this before anyone would truly take you seriously. i hope it truly gets better for you all from here on out. (sick rotten b@stard beating up his own little girl...boys in prison would know how to take care of that......).
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WTBH, I was in tears reading just the title and more-so as I read about the new case worker... I am so sorry that this happened, but am glad it's something that can be used to keep your lovely children safe and that the people who are supposed to help give you the legal framework to do that finally are.
(((((hugs))))
ETA: You ARE an awesome momma and such a strong lady!
(((((hugs))))
ETA: You ARE an awesome momma and such a strong lady!
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Oh my gosh WTBH! Your ex is the kind of person horror movies are made about, and the kind of person I have nightmares about. I realize that many here, including me, advocated for you to do the right things and have confidence that justice would prevail, but even I was beginning to wonder if it actually would. You've got to be one of the top five strongest and bravest people I know. I am so proud of how you are handling this, although nobody should ever have to "handle" anything like this.
You will be okay. Your children will be okay. His karma is finally catching up with him and it's not going to be pretty. Whatever you do, don't let your guard down. He's proven that he will not take his consequences well and it seems the consequences are only just beginning. Please do everything you can to keep yourself and your children safe!
All my most positive vibes are going out to you!
L
You will be okay. Your children will be okay. His karma is finally catching up with him and it's not going to be pretty. Whatever you do, don't let your guard down. He's proven that he will not take his consequences well and it seems the consequences are only just beginning. Please do everything you can to keep yourself and your children safe!
All my most positive vibes are going out to you!
L
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
I am overwhelmed with relief for you and your daughters! Thank God for their courage, the new social worker, your daughter's counselor, and YOUR UNFAILING strength and determination.
The tide is changing for sperm man. That makes me smile! You are a fantastic mother!
The tide is changing for sperm man. That makes me smile! You are a fantastic mother!
RIP Sweet Suki
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This almost had to happen at some point. I knew there had to be something happen that would turn the tide or this was going to turn into a tragic report on the news.
I am so sorry that your daughter had to endure that. I can only imagine how frightened she must have been. But, I'm glad it wasn't worse and it served as a catalyst to enable you to finally find someone who would really listen to you.
Mega ((((HUGS)))) to you and your daughters. I hope this is the beginning of a way out for all of you. As I've said many times, this situation has been truly bizarre from the very beginning.
I am so sorry that your daughter had to endure that. I can only imagine how frightened she must have been. But, I'm glad it wasn't worse and it served as a catalyst to enable you to finally find someone who would really listen to you.
Mega ((((HUGS)))) to you and your daughters. I hope this is the beginning of a way out for all of you. As I've said many times, this situation has been truly bizarre from the very beginning.
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