Mystimead

Hi everyone, and thank you so much to those that have taken the time to read this. I feel good having someone hear my story (as you know a small portion!)
I am 31, married and a nurse. My mother is an alcoholic of 17 years. Of course it doesn't stop there, my grandfather, aunt, deceased grandmother, deceased grandfather,2 uncles, grandma, step aunt, sister and man that lived with mom during my teen years are alcoholic. I won't touch a sip of alcohol because it only brings negative memories and the idea makes me ill.
I have never sought any formal help in dealing with mom's drinking. I did have counseling throughout my life, but the counselors I had were not familiar with drinking problems in families.
I don't know what has happened in my life lately in regards to mom. I am very used to dealing with having an alcoholic mother, as I have said she has had a drinking problem for over 17 years. Recently my husband and I relocated to another state (Arizona). It is a 6-7 hour drive from my family. Since I have moved here I no longer have a desire to speak to my mother or see my family. They have asked me to come visit. I don't want to call my mom. Another huge problem my mother has is that she is addicted to sex, and perscription drugs. It is so embarrasing to say, but she meets men on many different dating websites and sleeps with them averaging about 2 new men a week. (She has been doing this for about 5 years). This I am also used to. She has no clue that she does things to hurt others or herself. She is very immature, and unrealistic. She has 4 daughters,one is 13, and can't understand how any of this would affect anyone as it is her life.
For years I had a hope that mom would get well. I would give her advice, support her, be there for her. I have lived my life being a helper. My years have been affected by the ups and downs of moms addictions. For the first time in my life I no longer have any hope or faith that she will recover from any of her addictions. Her mother died an alcoholic, and her father is 80 and still an alcoholic. She still can't even admit that she has a problem after all these years!
I am now rambling. I guess my decision has been that I want to get the help I need in dealing with this. I would like to know what is better for Adult children of Alcoholics, ACOA, or Al-Anon. I haven't ever attended a meeting and I am terrified! I thought Al-Anon may be better because I am currently dealing with her drinking problem. I also feel so much guilt in that I just want a sort of separation from my alcoholic mother, and my dysfunctional alcoholic family. I don't want to cut all family ties, but I don't want to keep in contact right now while I am dealing with this. Does anyone have any suggestions, advice, experience with this? I know my mother would be devastated if I told her I couldn't talk to her for awhile, because she doesn't think there is anything wrong. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you all, and God bless.
Mysti

journeygal

Hi Mysti and welcome.

Boy, what a heartbreaking story! I grew up with an alcoholic father and even though he's been in recovery for the past 13 years, recovering from my childhood has not been easy. I recommend ACOA, Al-anon or Codependents Anonymous. They all pretty much deal with the same 12 step ideas and you can't go wrong seeking some help for yourself.

Even though my dad no longer drinks, I still have a hard time connecting with him. I have a lot of unresolved feelings and issues and I pretty much avoid him as much as I can. However, he's very clingy and needy when it comes to his kids so cutting off contact is pretty much impossible. Like you, I don't want to cut family ties and I don't want to hurt him. But it's been hard to deal with my own feeling while dealing with him at the same time. I had a lot of anger at my mom too, even though she wasn't the alcoholic and for a time I just couldn't talk to her until I worked through all of those feelings. I did and I'm in a pretty good place with her these days. But it's going to take me a while to get there with dad, if I ever do.

Sorry to ramble - just letting you know I understand how you feel. Caller ID works very well for those phone calls you would just rather avoid.

I'm glad you found us and I hope you keep coming back.

Hugs,
JG

Violet1107

Man, this is harder than I thought it would be. I am 32 yrs. old. I also grew up w/ an alcoholic father. We have had a very complicated relationship. When I was 5 I asked my dad to stop drinking, and he cried w/ me and told me he would. Of course he didn't, he couldn't. I grew up waiting for the next phone call. The one where the police tell my mom which hospital my dad was in from his latest drunk driving accident and hoping that no one else was hurt, and that he was still alive. I figured out pretty early on that my dad was not in control of his drinking, that it was the other way around. I also figured out early on that it was best to avoid him when he was drinking. My dad was a mean drunk. I have always known that my dad loved me, and he was a very good father as long as he was sober, but during my early years those times were few and far between. I hold some resentment toward him for the chaos of my childhood, but more than anything I guess I pity him for the loss of his prime years. He is in his mid 60's now and in poor health. His dad was also an alcoholic as are the majority of his 6 brothers. My dad's drinking has always been "the family secret". It was not talked about, not in the house and certainly not outside the house! I have never been to a group meeting and have actually only in the last 12 yrs or so begun to be able to say to people, "my dad is an alcoholic", without fear of retribution. I live my life in doubt of my worth, longing for unconditional love and protection from emotionally unavailable men. I am a peace keeper and everyone's problem solver. I see my need to break these patterns and to disengage myself from everyone else's life and start taking care of me, but I don't think I really know where to start. Thanks for letting me ramble, it feels really good and also very frightening to even type all this in a public forum. It is a first step, and one that is long overdue.
Violet1107

Mystimead

Journeygal, Thank you so much for the support and encouragement. I wasn't sure if there was a huge difference between al-anon and acoa. I am going to choose a meeting closest to me. I am glad to hear that you were able to overcome some of your anger issues with your mom. I hope I get there someday!

Violet, It sounds like you are at the beginning point of dealing with things too. I really didn't think my mom's alcoholism would affect me in my adult life. I think it may be a difficult journey, but it is time to start living for us now!I wish you the best on your journey.
Mysti...

journeygal

Hi Violet and welcome!

I'm glad you found us. I can relate to much of what you've been through and what you're dealing with now. You have taken a very important step and already you seem to have a very good understanding of how your dad's drinking affected you. Even though working through all the gunk can be painful, you'll never regret it.

Feel free to come back and ramble anytime - we're always here.

((((((((Mysti)))))) - let us know how your meeting search goes!

Take care,
JG

mooselips

Hi Mysti, and Violet,
Just wanted to welcome you to S.R.
Kick off your shoes and get comfy.

Hugs coming your way....

dark angel

I had to get away from my family in order to heal. At first I felt guilty,disloyal even selfish because I was finally doing something for myself. I know now that as long as I stayed emeshed in my family, I would never have been able to learn and grow. It turned out to be the best thing I have ever done. I am glad your here.

JT

My dad is an alcoholic too, 30 years sober now and I didn't realize how much it affected me until my own life blew up. I thought the drinking was normal, I guess. I didn't have any idea as a young person that anything was amiss.

It was long after I started going to Al Anon because of my husband and son that I started looking back and was truely stunned at first. I thought I and my childhood were "normal" and I was angry about it. I felt like I had never made a well thought out choice in my life. I had merely been reacting to my dysfuntional upbringing. Strange.

It is good to see these things before you turn your own life into train wreck.

Hugs,
JT

Dimplez_03

Hi there i am new to this forum and fairly new to SR. I have been checking out the place and think i might have found the best area for me, being here. My Biggest problem is my alcoholic father, but i have minor problems to with my girlfriend being a recovering addict and my sister being a codie. Meeting my girlfriend is actually what sparked up my hidden thoughts feels and understandings about my father and my childhood. I have been very supportive of my girlfriend who just celebrated 18months clean on june 30th. I attend NA meetings with her, Even went to smircna Which was a Missouri Na convention. During theese meetings and conventions i have learned alot just from listening to the speakers. My father is and always will be an alcoholic i cant change that I have to accept it. The problems i am dealing with is that the only time i feel love from my father is when he is drunk. He does random 3am calls to all the family to tell them how much he loves us and how much he misses us and tells me that i am his baby girl the best thing that ever happened to him. Well yes i am his baby girl but he sure has a way of making me feel very unimportant. I know that i dont need him to be strong in my life. I just dont want my father to end up dead or even worse in my eyes killing some innocent stranger because of drunk driving. My father and i work together on the weekends for the saint louis cardnials. By the time we get off work my father has already become tipsy. He is drinking on the job. I mean yes my father works two jobs has responsibilities but i just wish that he would get better. My girlfriend told me he was what you would call a functioning alcoholic because he can still do his duties. Im not sure what im even trying to write about all i know is that I cant let my child hood of his threats his lies his hate toward my mother and all of us kids. More then anything i hate the fact that he thinks im stupid. I am struggling to keep my life on track. I refuse to drink anymore (i have always refused to drink beer in fears that i would turn out like him) I have a wonderful partner, im working two jobs full and part and attending college full time as well. When i told my father that i didnt drink anymore he said well thats stupid .... Are you scared your gonna be like me.. All i could think to say was yes and keep on walking. I know i am rambling but i keep typing thinking that the words will eventually come out right. But for now i feel like i have been atleast able to give a little bit of my story.. I will be attending aca meetings as well as the usual Na meetings with my girlfriend. The Only thing i know for sure is that i have to take care of me and other things will fall in place.

For those other new comers wanting input on meetings i think they are wonderful. At first when i was attending Na meetings i would wonder should i really be here i mean i have NEVER done a drug in my life But then i relized that i was welcome. I was always really quite and just after a few months Youll see me lipping right along with the rest..

Im always here if ya need a shoulder and remember "god grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the diffrence. Keep coming back it works if you work it. I know it has for me.

Ok im really done rambling now lol..
~WEN~

JT

Welcome! Not everyone who lives with an alcoholic becomes one...alot of us just marry and try to fix them. Same sickness...different manifestation. And just as damaging to ourselves and our new families.

We are just as responsible for working on our own issues as they are.

Make yourself at home!
JT

listerone

Hi....
Just a quick message of encouragement for you.Both my parents were alcoholics.They had drinking problems that were so bad that they each
managed to do serious damage to a major organ (Dad's brain and Mom's liver),
not to mention numerous cars and people.

And yet,they both eventually managed to get sober! When it comes
alcoholism,I firmly believe that where there's life,there's hope.

I personally have,I feel,benefited greatly from attending Alanon meetings
for some time now.In my neck of the woods,there are Alanon meetings
that are specially geared for "adult children".I'm uncertain if this is true
in all parts of the country.

I encouage you to check it out.I,personally,am still amazed by how powerfully
positive a role it can play in ones life!

cori1019

I am new to this too, I have found another site that is pretty cool, but this is my first time really joining in here. My name is Cori, and my father is the alcoholic in my life, not only does he drink but he also uses drugs. He currently in rehab (I think he is still there anyway). I am almost 30 and have not seen my dad clean for more than several months at a time. I have wished that he would get clean and stay there. Like so many of us, I have always worried that the next call was going to be that he was in jail, the hospital or worse. I have just recently started to seek help for myself. I have tried talking to my partner about my dysfunctional family, but she really doesn't get it. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I am so terrified that she has a drinking problem too, both of her father's parents were alcoholics, and honestly I think her mom has some issues too. Any time I make a comment about her drinking, she gets defensive. I love her too much to fight it, and she and her parents are such great people that I can't imagine my life without them. I have found a great book called Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D. I am a little over half way through, and it has helped give me some greater understanding as to why I act the way I do. I have had a weird relationship with both my parents, they were both very young when I was born. They were forced to get married and were never really happy together. I am rambling, I am having a hard time concentrating. I will try to post again when I am not so distracted... Thanks for letting vent... We all need to work on our own health and well being!!!

Mystimead

Thank you all so much for the welcomes and sharing your stories. It helps to know there are others that have gone through a lot of similar pain. Your stories have helped me.
Dark Angel it was comforting to know that someone else has had to "pull away" to heal. I have a lot of guilt regarding this and is my biggest issue and sense of turmoil. I have been emeshed in the family illness for years. Thanks all!
Mysti...

dark angel

Mysti, I hope that you can find a way to let go of your guilt. I used to worry about what would happen if I just let go, and then one day I did. All the time and energy I used for worrying, hopeing and wishing never changed anything. Not one darn thing. I guess by doing all of those things I thought I had some control. But in the end I realized that what ever was going to happen was going to happen anyway. For me , my problem was that I wanted everything to happen in my time. I don't want you to drink because it causes me anxiety and fear. The big lie for me was " If only others acted the way I thought they should, everything would be O.K. again." By letting go of that illusion and working on myself I was able to find peace, and when I got better my relationships with everyone else got better. . I send all of you lots of love. Seija

Violet1107

Thanks everyone for your welcome and encouragement. It is good to know we aren't alone in this world. I have another crisis in my life(there's a shock, huh?) right now that I would like to get some feedback on and maybe hear how some of you may have dealt w/ a similar situation. I am married to my second husband, almost 6 yrs. now. This is a second marriage for both of us. He has become over the past 4 yrs more and more emotionally distant and unavailable. About 2yrs ago, we went into couples therapy after I discovered he had been having an ongoing relationship w/ someone very close to me. They never had sexual relations, but there was sexual conversation and talk of love. They seemed to have an emotional connection that he and I have lost. He ended the relationship after final threat of doing so or facing divorce. We stayed in therapy for a year. Fortunately for our therapist, but unfortunately for us, she had a baby and opted to end her practice to stay home w/ her child. He has refused to seek further counseling. We have not progressed at all in our relationship since the end of our therapy, and I think, have honestly taken a step backward. My husband is a huge flirt, even his kids call him on it. He flirts with, looks over and openly admires other women in front of me all the time, even after I have asked him to please stop this behavior...just like asking my dad to stop drinking I am afraid. I have gained nearly 80 lbs since we have been married. Eating is my coping device, not a healthy one, but the one I have developed over the years. I stuff down my feelings and my self esteem w/ food, until I don't notice either one. I know I need to break this cycle, and a lot of my friends tell me I should end this marriage and move on. My problem w/ that advice is, I don't want to be twice divorced, I don't want to end my marriage. Despite all the things that have happened in our relationship, I still love this man. He does have some excellent qualities, he is a wonderful artist and musician, he loves his kids and provides for them, he is a hard worker and does most of the household chores here. He is witty and funny and we can at times have a wonderful time together. I am just so paranoid now about what he is thinking when he looks at other women and that he doesn't really love me anymore, even when he says he does. He says that I overwhelm him. No big shock there, I'm needy. He also says that he is afraid that I will need more from him than he can give, so he just shuts down. His grandfather was also an alcoholic , btw...and he drank constantly himself for about 5 yrs, but quit cold turkey and hasn't touched it since. I think sex and sexual fantasy has become his new addiction. This whole thing has gotten much longer than I intended, but the basic question for me is, how do I disengage from him enough to heal and stop being paranoid, without ending my marriage? How do I stand up for myself and my needs, without overwhelming him? Is it possibe to do those things? Thanks in advance for any input.

dark angel

Dear Violet, I had a lot of the same issues that you have. I thought that if I got into a program that I would end up divorced for sure, so I kept putting it off. I was told not to make any serious life changing decisions until I had been in therapy for at least a year. You don't need to have him get help in order for you to start to heal. You can go by yourself, I did and I realized there were a lot of things I needed to change about myself. I thought if only I found the right person, then everything would be alright. I know now it's more important to be the right person. Go for yourself because your worth it, don't sit in pain anymore, it won't get better through inaction. You can find your way back to yourself. Instead of eating over your emotions, you will find others you can share your feelings with. Do whatever you need to do no matter how small to get yourself moving forward again. I send you lots of love and encouragement. Seija