steelman1649

This is going to be tricky. She has made it clear that she is not going to leave the house. When she moved out before (oh god why did i asked her back) she was miserable living at her parent's house and refuses to do that again.

She's also living in a fantasy land that things are going to "work out". All of a sudden agreeing to counseling after refusing for 8 months, moderating her drinking(just to appease me), contributing toward bills (although she may be bouncing checks to do so).

How do i get her out? I can't move out myself as I can't trust her to care for the dog or not burn the house down in her druken stuppor. Do I offer to rent her an apartment?

MissFixit

If you can afford to rent her an apartment as part of a separation agreement, that might be a good idea. You really need to speak with a lawyer to CYA. I think it might help you if you file with the lawyer, then you are somewhat accountable to a third party so you don't backslide.

hopeful4

I don't know the answer. It was my biggest fear in making my AH leave, that he would come back and refuse to leave. My attorney told me that the only way to keep someone out who has their name on the deed is to file an exparte, which I don't really need to do. He has stayed out and it is a relief but I understand how you feel, trapped.

Can you agree to rent her an apartment for say a six month lease? She is in denial and grasping at straws. You are going to have to be strong and you need an attorney my friend.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Florence

You're at an impasse if you don't want to take any action.

If I were you I'd talk to a lawyer. I'd also consider getting an apartment since she doesn't want to leave.

Are you afraid of her? Or is this another, bigger way to convince her to quit drinking? You talk like she's the one holding all the cards here, when you're the primary provider for everything holding up the house of cards.

Hammer

Steelman -- Since you use the term Strategy, which by the way, I think is a good one . . . .

Do you understand the Difference between Strategy and Tactics? I see a lot of folks confuse the two. I had the difference drilled into my head as part of Army training, but here are some backgrounders >>>

Strategy vs Tactic - Difference and Comparison | Diffen

Strategic Planning: Strategy vs. Tactics - For Dummies

Strategy vs. Tactics

In short -- Strategy is the Long-Term-Big-Picture. Tactics are just steps or paths to get there.

So in Strategy Terms -- Stepping out a year or two and looking back at now . . . If you were where you wanted to be then, looking back, what Steps or Tactics did you take to get there?

You understand the house is little more than background noise and nonsense?

JustAGirl1971

Definitely, see a lawyer first! There are definitely options: you leave/she stay; you pay for an apartment for her; you file for divorce while she's still living at home (then when divorce is final and the marital assets split, she has to leave); if she's not on the deed, you file for divorce and evict her. I'm sure there are other options. An attorney can help you determine exactly what those options are. Remember: an initial consultation with an attorney is just about gathering information, not making a decision.

Good luck, steelman! And congrats on the promotion

Mango blast

This. Congrats on the promotion!!

Find out what your options are. Besides evicting her, is it possible to put your place up for sale, change the locks, move out and drop her off at her parents or the Salvation Army? Renting or buying a new place for yourself and your dog could be a fresh new start. This may be the extreme outlook, but I find brainstorming all possible options helps me realize I do have choices. Sometimes cutting financial losses upfront can pay bigger long-term dividends.

SparkleKitty

It might be time to get creative about your living situation, and opening your mind to other possibilities. You can leave, and you can bring the dog with you. There are situations that will accommodate that. And if you aren't ready to open your mind to other options, you might start asking yourself why you have locked down your thinking to ideas that give her all the power and/or lock you into an unacceptable circumstance.

Seriously, anything is possible if you let it be, Steelman, but it's okay if you're not ready for a bigger move right now. Take your time.

Florence

I forget -- do you have any kids and/or pets? I'm trying to remember what your living situation looks like.

CodeJob

Steelman,

I am in your corner. Even if I have to sing that Beach Boys song in a three part harmony.

LightInside

I'm in your corner, Man.

steelman1649

No kids. 1 rat terrier beagle mix named wrigley.

Florence

Wrigley! A Midwesterner through and through.

Hawkeye13

I would see a lawyer and get advice about what your legal options are.

Choose one--in my case, I think I would offer to pay rent on an apartment for a couple of months if she will move without trouble, and if not, serve her the eviction notice since I think your name is on the house? Find out from the lawyer if assets will have to be split or if the house will still be 100% yours.

Just a suggestion of course, but be legal, civil, and firm in all dealings and it will get done
one step at a time. As I recall, there are no finances like joint bank accounts to close but if so, get that done ASAP and before you tell her.

Expect a whole lot of quacking, as per usual with her.

steelman1649

she must be feeling the heat. she said she was deleting any male non-family members from her phone and deleting her facebook account.

JustAGirl1971

It's not her words that matter, steelman. It's the action. It might be helpful to write down all the promises she's made these last few months and all things she's actually done (good and bad.)

Hammer

Why would she tell you this?

steelman1649

i'm assuming because i blew up when i saw texts to some dude when i got back from vegas and the same crap on her facebook.

Hawkeye13

When you've had enough rounds in her alcoholic, lying cycle, you will choose
to step off of her crazy train for good no matter what she says.

Until that day, we are here to encourage and support you in whatever your choices are.

HopefulinFLA

I feel for you Steelman. I'm in the same sort of place. Do I stay or do I go?

I wish for you the strength you need to find peace and happiness.