Anger
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Anger
I went to see a counselor for the first time this past weekend regarding my AH, and one of the things that we talked about was feelings. Basically, he stated that feelings are neither good nor bad; we use them to help us determine if or when we are safe.
It made me realize that for several years I have not allowed myself to feel anger toward my AH (nor anyone else, actually). Well, today, I got angry with him, and it felt pretty good to let it out. I am so used to sidestepping, avoiding, and yes, even detaching, in order to keep the peace, that I have forgotten that it is OK to get mad. (I'm such a good little codie!) I guess that I am well trained. All AH has had to do is make a face, or ramble and rant, and I am off to my corner of our home (How many corners are in a yurt? None) to nurse my wounds and feel sorry for myself about how I am being treated.
Well, tonight he acted like a jerk about a fairly minor incident involving DD, and he blew it way out of proportion. (she left her driver's license in her pants pocket which wound up in a heap on the floor. He obsessed over it for much of the day, writing a full page of consequences for any further infractions and included all of the specific duties that he felt she needs to be responsible for. When she came home from school, he went over this document for about 2 hours haranguing her about it. Now, she is a straight A student, and is involved in just about every school activity that she can possibly join. She was also trying to complete her application for a very important scholarship opportunity that is due tomorrow. After I came home from work (about 8 pm), he started again, under the guise that I should be on the same page. And since he had consumed his usual capacity of beer and wine, he was not very pleasant. I got angry because I felt manipulated (he had called me to get me to agree to this during my 5 minute window with no students, insisting that I back him unconditionally. No opportunity to discuss it because I was between classes) I was also angry because every time I tried to speak about the issue this evening, he either cut me off or twisted my words. I got ticked off and didn't back down. I know that detachment is supposed to be in our arsenal, however I felt that I needed to engage him this time. I am tired of walking away and letting him spout off. So, he went off to bed in a snit, and I don't care in the slightest bit. If he tries to play Ground Hog's day in the morning, I'm not falling for that one either.
It made me realize that for several years I have not allowed myself to feel anger toward my AH (nor anyone else, actually). Well, today, I got angry with him, and it felt pretty good to let it out. I am so used to sidestepping, avoiding, and yes, even detaching, in order to keep the peace, that I have forgotten that it is OK to get mad. (I'm such a good little codie!) I guess that I am well trained. All AH has had to do is make a face, or ramble and rant, and I am off to my corner of our home (How many corners are in a yurt? None) to nurse my wounds and feel sorry for myself about how I am being treated.
Well, tonight he acted like a jerk about a fairly minor incident involving DD, and he blew it way out of proportion. (she left her driver's license in her pants pocket which wound up in a heap on the floor. He obsessed over it for much of the day, writing a full page of consequences for any further infractions and included all of the specific duties that he felt she needs to be responsible for. When she came home from school, he went over this document for about 2 hours haranguing her about it. Now, she is a straight A student, and is involved in just about every school activity that she can possibly join. She was also trying to complete her application for a very important scholarship opportunity that is due tomorrow. After I came home from work (about 8 pm), he started again, under the guise that I should be on the same page. And since he had consumed his usual capacity of beer and wine, he was not very pleasant. I got angry because I felt manipulated (he had called me to get me to agree to this during my 5 minute window with no students, insisting that I back him unconditionally. No opportunity to discuss it because I was between classes) I was also angry because every time I tried to speak about the issue this evening, he either cut me off or twisted my words. I got ticked off and didn't back down. I know that detachment is supposed to be in our arsenal, however I felt that I needed to engage him this time. I am tired of walking away and letting him spout off. So, he went off to bed in a snit, and I don't care in the slightest bit. If he tries to play Ground Hog's day in the morning, I'm not falling for that one either.
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I am trying to think what you mean by groundhog's day, like nothing new same day I guess Or whether as an A he would decide haphazardly to pop back into his hole to sleep some more.I do have to remind myself that sometimes anger is good. You're right, it has been conditioned out of so many of us. It is feeling and real, and we should allow ourselves to feel it. Strength to you momma, it sounds like your priorities are lining up just fine.
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In the Ground Hogs Day movie, every mornin was a repeat of the previous day. Nobody other than the main character remembered the previous day or the events that took place. It seems that no matter what the conversation is about, if it is the least bit confrontational, my AH conveniently forgets what happened the night before.
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Originally Posted by Yurt 
In the Ground Hogs Day movie, every mornin was a repeat of the previous day. Nobody other than the main character remembered the previous day or the events that took place. It seems that no matter what the conversation is about, if it is the least bit confrontational, my AH conveniently forgets what happened the night before.
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Wow, Yurt. Your AH and my STBXAH sound similar in their discipline styles (punishment disproportionate to the offense.) My X had the tendency to just ignore anything that he didn't care about but go over the top on other things. That tendency has detrimentally affected his relationship with all 3 of our children.
Like you, I stuffed my feelings and my anger to keep peace with my X. I think that's fairly typical when dealing with volatile people. I'm glad you're working through your emotions & anger now. Stuffing only hurts us in the long run.
Like you, I stuffed my feelings and my anger to keep peace with my X. I think that's fairly typical when dealing with volatile people. I'm glad you're working through your emotions & anger now. Stuffing only hurts us in the long run.
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You know, my counselor and I talked about some similar things last night. I told him that since making AH leave a couple of weeks ago I am surprised in myself that I am not more angry. He said it is possible I am just not allowing myself to feel the anger and that it is a stage of healing and ok to feel it. That feelings come and go and to experience them so that we don't stuff them and let them build into resentment which is like drinking poison. It was interesting stuff.
My AH is trying to act like super dad right now since I have made him leave b/c he did bad things and does not want the kids to be angry with him. I have no doubt eventually that will wear off and he will be back to his sometimes an A hole and sometimes a really great dad. I just realize I cannot control it and will be the best mom I can be, that I can control. Is your DD in any sort of counseling? It may really help her if not.
Good Luck and God Bless. Thank you for sharing.
My AH is trying to act like super dad right now since I have made him leave b/c he did bad things and does not want the kids to be angry with him. I have no doubt eventually that will wear off and he will be back to his sometimes an A hole and sometimes a really great dad. I just realize I cannot control it and will be the best mom I can be, that I can control. Is your DD in any sort of counseling? It may really help her if not.
Good Luck and God Bless. Thank you for sharing.
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Oh dear sweet corn, his head would explode if he had a normal teenage girl... 
Seriously, every time the topic of anger comes up here, someone points out the negative sides to being angry. But I do think, like you say, that some of us codies have spent years not allowing ourselves to get angry, and for us, it's a healthy thing to let those emotions out.
Seriously, every time the topic of anger comes up here, someone points out the negative sides to being angry. But I do think, like you say, that some of us codies have spent years not allowing ourselves to get angry, and for us, it's a healthy thing to let those emotions out.
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Funny on that, too.
My Steps Sponsor was sort of shocked -- saying -- WOW! You are really angry about some of this stuff.
I said Sure. Should I not be? If doing this Step work is not the time and place for that, when is?
He sort of laughed agreed and we went on.
My observation is that *we* have had to represent our feelings for so long in dealing with these Adult-Children-for-Life-A's it does make us sick and sick of them of them by the time we can clean us up.
My Steps Sponsor was sort of shocked -- saying -- WOW! You are really angry about some of this stuff.
I said Sure. Should I not be? If doing this Step work is not the time and place for that, when is?
He sort of laughed agreed and we went on.
My observation is that *we* have had to represent our feelings for so long in dealing with these Adult-Children-for-Life-A's it does make us sick and sick of them of them by the time we can clean us up.
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When we are having good days,then she talks about ASU. Bad days mean that she talks about Columbia University.
She has learned to deflect and detatch, because I told her that her anger was not going to help the situation. Now, I'm not sure that this was the right thing to do.
She has learned to deflect and detatch, because I told her that her anger was not going to help the situation. Now, I'm not sure that this was the right thing to do.
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Well, given the fact that we live in the Southwest, I have my fingers crossed for ASU. My friend, who was once a college counselor, thinks that she would be "eaten alive" at a place like Columbia. However, she has straight A's, even in her, AP classes. She has performed extremely well on all of the college entry tests, and could possibly write her own ticket. But we have to stay grounded and realize that leaving one's drivers license at home is a very severe offense!!!
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Yurt, thank you for this timely post. I have been working on step 4 and know I stuff my anger. In my family dynamic, my feelings were discounted and not validated. Honestly I have no idea how to handle anger like a Normie.
But I am in early days for how to deal with a lifetime of buried anger. A lifetime. So I wrote anger last on my flaws sheet. But my flaw with it is twisted because my problem is I don't release it and let it go like a normal person. Anger in and of itself is OK. It is how it is handled that is tricky.
Keep working at it with your counselor. I totally get how an A makes a mountain out of a molehill.
As for college, my parents did not believe in me and I went to a state school freshman year. I hated it. It was not academic enough. This sounds insulting to the school, but I was in an Honors dorm and in honors classes. I was sick of being siphoned off. So I hung with an engineer girlfriend to stay on task with my studies and applied to a top tier school. Transferred there my sophomore year. It was SO nice to be challenged in a REGULAR class. Most of my friends ended up from the Honors program again! But I did not do Honors again. I did a double major instead. It was so nice to see people studying and taking university seriously. I did just fine. I then did go to a bigger city for graduate school. I survived just fine though I knew it drained me a bit living in such a huge place. It was a worthwhile experience. I now live in a suburb of a dumb a-- city but I am savvy enough as I lived and survived just fine in the 'real' city. I know people who won't go into "the city". People who are native to this area! I manage to find my way and survive even though I cannot get the hang of my car GPS!
Don't underestimate your daughter. If Columbia cuts her a great deal and it calls to her, let her try it. She will gain a lot of life experience just living in NYC. And being in a dorm will shelter her and giver her a ready made community. And if she doesn't like it, she can transfer. Turns out my sister did not like her large state school and only lasted half of her freshman year and came to a small college back home. She did fine too. People don't talk about all the transfers. Some of it is mismatch and some of it is switching for a school with the major you are going to pursue... Best of luck! So exciting to be on great academic footing moving forward!
But I am in early days for how to deal with a lifetime of buried anger. A lifetime. So I wrote anger last on my flaws sheet. But my flaw with it is twisted because my problem is I don't release it and let it go like a normal person. Anger in and of itself is OK. It is how it is handled that is tricky.
Keep working at it with your counselor. I totally get how an A makes a mountain out of a molehill.
As for college, my parents did not believe in me and I went to a state school freshman year. I hated it. It was not academic enough. This sounds insulting to the school, but I was in an Honors dorm and in honors classes. I was sick of being siphoned off. So I hung with an engineer girlfriend to stay on task with my studies and applied to a top tier school. Transferred there my sophomore year. It was SO nice to be challenged in a REGULAR class. Most of my friends ended up from the Honors program again! But I did not do Honors again. I did a double major instead. It was so nice to see people studying and taking university seriously. I did just fine. I then did go to a bigger city for graduate school. I survived just fine though I knew it drained me a bit living in such a huge place. It was a worthwhile experience. I now live in a suburb of a dumb a-- city but I am savvy enough as I lived and survived just fine in the 'real' city. I know people who won't go into "the city". People who are native to this area! I manage to find my way and survive even though I cannot get the hang of my car GPS!
Don't underestimate your daughter. If Columbia cuts her a great deal and it calls to her, let her try it. She will gain a lot of life experience just living in NYC. And being in a dorm will shelter her and giver her a ready made community. And if she doesn't like it, she can transfer. Turns out my sister did not like her large state school and only lasted half of her freshman year and came to a small college back home. She did fine too. People don't talk about all the transfers. Some of it is mismatch and some of it is switching for a school with the major you are going to pursue... Best of luck! So exciting to be on great academic footing moving forward!
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My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and I grew up being told absolutely NOT to express my anger - how DARE I be angry when she's given up her entire life to make me happy...etc. She and my dad divorced when I was 2, and he only wanted to deal with my "happy" emotions, so when he asked how I was, the only acceptable answers were "good" or "fine". Anything swinging towards the negative were met with the same response, "I'm not going to get involved or interfere..." (Didn't matter what I was upset about).
As such, I grew up believing that negative emotions were a sign of weakness and immaturity. Then I started dating a man who was a sociopath and a narcissist. He latched onto to those feelings and further nurtured them by convincing me that "spiritually involved people don't feel anger and jealousy. They love their partners unconditionally and if that partner wants to be with other women, the spiritually enlightened person is happy to share. Love expands exponentially." And I BOUGHT INTO IT!!!
I became so emotionally "Damaged" with all of this baloney that after I finally found the courage to leave him (after 7 years)...the first time I expressed anger it felt AMAZING!
I'm still working on myself, going to counseling, working the steps, etc. I pay very close attention to my feelings now, and I tell myself it's perfectly OK to feel exactly what I'm feeling.
As such, I grew up believing that negative emotions were a sign of weakness and immaturity. Then I started dating a man who was a sociopath and a narcissist. He latched onto to those feelings and further nurtured them by convincing me that "spiritually involved people don't feel anger and jealousy. They love their partners unconditionally and if that partner wants to be with other women, the spiritually enlightened person is happy to share. Love expands exponentially." And I BOUGHT INTO IT!!!
I became so emotionally "Damaged" with all of this baloney that after I finally found the courage to leave him (after 7 years)...the first time I expressed anger it felt AMAZING!
I'm still working on myself, going to counseling, working the steps, etc. I pay very close attention to my feelings now, and I tell myself it's perfectly OK to feel exactly what I'm feeling.
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Originally Posted by Mellybug
As such, I grew up believing that negative emotions were a sign of weakness and immaturity.
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Yurt, I don't know if your daughter will need scholarship opportunities, but I was a high achieving kid in a low-income home, and I learned (granted, it was 20 years ago...) that many state schools have WONDERFUL scholarship programs for out of state students. She may want to look into other state schools that aren't terribly far away (Colorado, Texas, etc.), because she may end up being able to get full tuition or close to full tuition.
I ended up at a Jesuit school (even though I am not and was not raised Catholic). Jesuit schools oftentimes have HUGE endowments with excellent scholarship opportunities. Another thing to check into would be the honors programs at universities she is considering. For example, the school I attended automatically gave about 1/3 tuition to every person in the honors program.
I ended up at a Jesuit school (even though I am not and was not raised Catholic). Jesuit schools oftentimes have HUGE endowments with excellent scholarship opportunities. Another thing to check into would be the honors programs at universities she is considering. For example, the school I attended automatically gave about 1/3 tuition to every person in the honors program.
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Originally Posted by Mellybug
My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and I grew up being told absolutely NOT to express my anger - how DARE I be angry when she's given up her entire life to make me happy...etc. She and my dad divorced when I was 2, and he only wanted to deal with my "happy" emotions, so when he asked how I was, the only acceptable answers were "good" or "fine". Anything swinging towards the negative were met with the same response, "I'm not going to get involved or interfere..." (Didn't matter what I was upset about).
As such, I grew up believing that negative emotions were a sign of weakness and immaturity. Then I started dating a man who was a sociopath and a narcissist. He latched onto to those feelings and further nurtured them by convincing me that "spiritually involved people don't feel anger and jealousy. They love their partners unconditionally and if that partner wants to be with other women, the spiritually enlightened person is happy to share. Love expands exponentially." And I BOUGHT INTO IT!!!
I became so emotionally "Damaged" with all of this baloney that after I finally found the courage to leave him (after 7 years)...the first time I expressed anger it felt AMAZING!
I'm still working on myself, going to counseling, working the steps, etc. I pay very close attention to my feelings now, and I tell myself it's perfectly OK to feel exactly what I'm feeling.
As such, I grew up believing that negative emotions were a sign of weakness and immaturity. Then I started dating a man who was a sociopath and a narcissist. He latched onto to those feelings and further nurtured them by convincing me that "spiritually involved people don't feel anger and jealousy. They love their partners unconditionally and if that partner wants to be with other women, the spiritually enlightened person is happy to share. Love expands exponentially." And I BOUGHT INTO IT!!!
I became so emotionally "Damaged" with all of this baloney that after I finally found the courage to leave him (after 7 years)...the first time I expressed anger it felt AMAZING!
I'm still working on myself, going to counseling, working the steps, etc. I pay very close attention to my feelings now, and I tell myself it's perfectly OK to feel exactly what I'm feeling.
Thanks for the insight. Mrs. Hammer is "Borderline Traits." Did not really come out at bad at me and the kids before Rehab. She kept herself sedated.
But After Rehab . . . OMIGOD.
She has been back from Rehab and in Therapy a little over a year now, and somewhat better. But I watch and the kids are still wary of her.
Riddle me this -- Your dad should have stuck around and protected you, right?
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At work and with friends I observed some people (not only As) simply walking away when people show anger towards them. I'm wondering, are the people walking away practicing detachment or are they silencing people by giving them the silent treatment?
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Wow, seems like there are LOTS of people out there like that...
I got the following message from my mother too:
Translated, that means: You are not being properly submissive to my control! How dare you object to my control?
and he only wanted to deal with my "happy" emotions, so when he asked how I was, the only acceptable answers were "good" or "fine".
that negative emotions were a sign of weakness and immaturity.
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