I feel crazy sometimes
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
I feel crazy sometimes
I am afraid of/concerned by my own thoughts.
I get the keys to my new apartment tomorrow and it still feels surreal. I feel like the decision has been a long time coming but the actual moving-out step happened fast.
Part of me keeps clinging to "Let's give it a year apart, maybe he'll change during that time. We don't have to do anything final yet." Why is it so hard to let go? My sister was texting me early and said:
"I know you're trying to be as optimistic as possible and not burn any bridges and that's great but I'm pretty confident that being on your own will only help you see even more that you deserve so much more than he's capable of giving you. I know it's impossible not to be sad right now but realize that there is SO much more out there for you!! That's all
."
How did I feel reading that? Defensive. Protective over him. Thinking "but he's a good person underneath all of his issues. There were great times."
I've gotta change my thinking. I should be angry right now, angry that he rages at me, angry that he put his HAND around my neck a week ago.
You know what else? I've been reconnecting with family members I haven't been close to in awhile and why is that, why have I shut people out? It wasn't because he made me, or encouraged me to. I was more ashamed and unsure of what they knew about the situation. But what kind of relationship puts you in that position?
I get that any marriage ending is painful. I feel sadness for my kids. But I also know I am doing the best thing for them under the circumstances. So why do I feel sick at the thought of being with another man or him being with a new woman? What is wrong with me that I've accepted his disrespect for so long? How do I rid myself of this? My brain knows what is logical. I KNOW I could so better. But then I tell myself "Who wants a 32-year-old loser like me?" Maybe I can find a way to heal from these feelings because I know how wrong and destructive they are and I don't want to continue living and feeling this way.
I get the keys to my new apartment tomorrow and it still feels surreal. I feel like the decision has been a long time coming but the actual moving-out step happened fast.
Part of me keeps clinging to "Let's give it a year apart, maybe he'll change during that time. We don't have to do anything final yet." Why is it so hard to let go? My sister was texting me early and said:
"I know you're trying to be as optimistic as possible and not burn any bridges and that's great but I'm pretty confident that being on your own will only help you see even more that you deserve so much more than he's capable of giving you. I know it's impossible not to be sad right now but realize that there is SO much more out there for you!! That's all
."How did I feel reading that? Defensive. Protective over him. Thinking "but he's a good person underneath all of his issues. There were great times."
I've gotta change my thinking. I should be angry right now, angry that he rages at me, angry that he put his HAND around my neck a week ago.
You know what else? I've been reconnecting with family members I haven't been close to in awhile and why is that, why have I shut people out? It wasn't because he made me, or encouraged me to. I was more ashamed and unsure of what they knew about the situation. But what kind of relationship puts you in that position?
I get that any marriage ending is painful. I feel sadness for my kids. But I also know I am doing the best thing for them under the circumstances. So why do I feel sick at the thought of being with another man or him being with a new woman? What is wrong with me that I've accepted his disrespect for so long? How do I rid myself of this? My brain knows what is logical. I KNOW I could so better. But then I tell myself "Who wants a 32-year-old loser like me?" Maybe I can find a way to heal from these feelings because I know how wrong and destructive they are and I don't want to continue living and feeling this way.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Hi Emmy, I really hope you are seeing a therapist who specializes in abuse. I think many of us have felt or feel the same as you. It takes hard work and time to change our thinking. We didn't become this way over night. It took years. Our attachment to them is very similar to Stockholm Syndrome.
Keep working on you. YOU are worth it.
ETA...try and stop future tripping, and live one day at time. At times, I had to live one hour at a time.
Keep working on you. YOU are worth it.
ETA...try and stop future tripping, and live one day at time. At times, I had to live one hour at a time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Hi,
I saw a therapist last weekend. She does specialize in abuse, but I didn't feel our session was particularly helpful. Maybe she was just letting me vent and do a lot of the talking. I know she wants to delve into my past. I have another appointment Saturday
Thanks!
I saw a therapist last weekend. She does specialize in abuse, but I didn't feel our session was particularly helpful. Maybe she was just letting me vent and do a lot of the talking. I know she wants to delve into my past. I have another appointment Saturday
Thanks!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 66
Keep working at it EmmyG. Some of those phrases like 'when you're going through hell, just keep going'. You'll get there.
As I've responded to another thread, I get the hoping he'll change. I think that's why I've been in a bad place the last week or so, he's moving on. There will be no 'oh I'm so sorry what I put you though' no 'if I could make it up to you' even years down the road.
I am preparing myself for what so many others have to deal with, the A, whether drinking or not, will likely always blame me for the destruction of our marriage. Logic just doesn't apply.
Co-parenting will likely always be on the parallel parenting path, but I just need to Let It Go. [Haha Frozen song in my head]
As I've responded to another thread, I get the hoping he'll change. I think that's why I've been in a bad place the last week or so, he's moving on. There will be no 'oh I'm so sorry what I put you though' no 'if I could make it up to you' even years down the road.
I am preparing myself for what so many others have to deal with, the A, whether drinking or not, will likely always blame me for the destruction of our marriage. Logic just doesn't apply.
Co-parenting will likely always be on the parallel parenting path, but I just need to Let It Go. [Haha Frozen song in my head]
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
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Go back and read some of your previous posts, where he called you degrading names, screamed about his diet food, made deranged remarks and drinks to " prevent a seizure".
32 is young. My daughter is 33.
You can have anything you want once you take his noose off your neck. You are a hero for your children, leading by example. They will grow up knowing that women should be treated with respect, not battered.
sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find the right therapist you feel comfortable with. If you don't connect, tell her and she will help you find another.
32 is young. My daughter is 33.
You can have anything you want once you take his noose off your neck. You are a hero for your children, leading by example. They will grow up knowing that women should be treated with respect, not battered.
sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find the right therapist you feel comfortable with. If you don't connect, tell her and she will help you find another.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Ah, hoping for the one-session miracle cure from the therapist.
And being defensive about the man I was separated from.
I remember both of those very well
Even though my ex-husband was verbally abusive toward the end of our marriage, had an affair, moved out, and HE filed for divorce, I still felt defensive when others (who knew what was happening) criticized him. It's a natural reaction, I think.
During all this, I started therapy, too. And I also thought after 1 or 2 sessions that nothing at all helped, but I decided to give it some time. And I did get quite a bit out of going to therapy!
When I was first living on my own--in my own apartment (not one we had shared), I cried almost every night. I cried in the shower, I cried in the car to and from work, I cried myself to sleep at night.
Then....after about 6 weeks or 8 weeks, I began to realize I was not crying all the time, I began to enjoy my time alone. I began to like my tidy little apartment. It was clean, it was neat, I wasn't walking on eggshells because of Mr. Grumpy, I could truly relax in the evenings--my home was my safe haven. And that is what a home should be.
It does get better! I promise!
And being defensive about the man I was separated from.
I remember both of those very well
Even though my ex-husband was verbally abusive toward the end of our marriage, had an affair, moved out, and HE filed for divorce, I still felt defensive when others (who knew what was happening) criticized him. It's a natural reaction, I think.
During all this, I started therapy, too. And I also thought after 1 or 2 sessions that nothing at all helped, but I decided to give it some time. And I did get quite a bit out of going to therapy!
When I was first living on my own--in my own apartment (not one we had shared), I cried almost every night. I cried in the shower, I cried in the car to and from work, I cried myself to sleep at night.
Then....after about 6 weeks or 8 weeks, I began to realize I was not crying all the time, I began to enjoy my time alone. I began to like my tidy little apartment. It was clean, it was neat, I wasn't walking on eggshells because of Mr. Grumpy, I could truly relax in the evenings--my home was my safe haven. And that is what a home should be.
It does get better! I promise!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Exactly what I was hoping to hear. My goal is to "let go" (Frozen again - seen it aa couple times this week lol). I don't want to move out but stay in the same place emotionally where I'm holding out hope and not moving on.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Give yourself time, Emmy. Your sister is right that once you're on your own and see how much more peaceful life is, the less you'll think about reconciliation. My STBXAH has been out 6 or so weeks and I still occasionally fight those thoughts. It happened just last night. BUT, the difference is two months ago those thoughts were constant. Now, they are infrequent. Most of the time, I'm just focused on what I want to do with my life. The key for breaking free for me was working on and focusing on myself. Alanon helps, coming here helps, counseling helps, and... just living my life helps. I recently started a new therapist. I told her that I wish I'd started alanon and counseling sooner because we might have done things differently and may not be divorcing. Her answer was: "Or, you may have divorced him a whole lot sooner." It's all about perspective. The more time we have away from them... the better our perspective.
Hugs, Emmy. Just take it one day at a time. You don't have to divorce him today. Today you can just focus on preparing yourself and your children for your new home.
Hugs, Emmy. Just take it one day at a time. You don't have to divorce him today. Today you can just focus on preparing yourself and your children for your new home.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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O sweetie, it is just so new. I understand, I am not feeling very mad myself right now and not understanding why. My counselor told me last night it is because I want to badly to coparent and be "friends" and be good parents despite being divorced that I am quite likely stuffing my anger. He told me that it will come eventually, that I will go through all sorts of different feelings and to let myself feel them and be aware of them so I can move through it and move forward. I too think my AH can be a good person. He is being a good dad right now. However, he still did things that were bad and would do them over and over again had I not made him leave. It is just how his behaviors are. I know the thought of living that over and over even one more time is just too much.
My counselor advised me to tap into those feelings I had when it happened, not so much to relive it all but to remember it so it keeps me strong when I waiver as I surely will since it is human nature.
You are doing great. Keep moving forward one step at a time.
Tight Hugs!
My counselor advised me to tap into those feelings I had when it happened, not so much to relive it all but to remember it so it keeps me strong when I waiver as I surely will since it is human nature.
You are doing great. Keep moving forward one step at a time.
Tight Hugs!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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You don't have to do anything or make any decisions today. Your sister might be right, maybe not.
After I kicked my STBXAH out for what turned out to be the last time, I minimized contact with him and focused on myself as a way to give us the space and distance to get our separate affairs in order. During this time, I doubled down on self-care and getting my house and finances back into shape (I'd been in life-changing therapy for about two years, but had to stop once we split -- just trust the therapist for awhile, IME it takes awhile for it to click even with a good therapist). During this time, my STBXAH, true to form, sabotaged his life and career again, had a dramatic relapse, and drove his *** back to rehab #4, but not before getting lost somewhere in the upper Midwest for a few days to get in one last hurrah of drinking and drugs. That was my final straw. It was when I knew I had no ability to affect his disease and that I couldn't live this way anymore and that I didn't care what he did anymore. I was done.
It took all that time to reconcile my feelings. I really loved him and wanted to give him the time and support and space to find recovery, since that's what he said he wanted, and I missed the guy I thought I married -- but he is gone now, if he ever existed at all.
I thought I was giving him time to get it together, but at the same time I was giving an abundance of time to myself. It was probably the best thing I did for myself because the doubt and self-doubt are gone. Do whatever it takes to make good decisions for you, and stop freaking out about the process and how you think you're supposed to feel. You're about to feel a lot of stuff. Focus on the facts instead.
After I kicked my STBXAH out for what turned out to be the last time, I minimized contact with him and focused on myself as a way to give us the space and distance to get our separate affairs in order. During this time, I doubled down on self-care and getting my house and finances back into shape (I'd been in life-changing therapy for about two years, but had to stop once we split -- just trust the therapist for awhile, IME it takes awhile for it to click even with a good therapist). During this time, my STBXAH, true to form, sabotaged his life and career again, had a dramatic relapse, and drove his *** back to rehab #4, but not before getting lost somewhere in the upper Midwest for a few days to get in one last hurrah of drinking and drugs. That was my final straw. It was when I knew I had no ability to affect his disease and that I couldn't live this way anymore and that I didn't care what he did anymore. I was done.
It took all that time to reconcile my feelings. I really loved him and wanted to give him the time and support and space to find recovery, since that's what he said he wanted, and I missed the guy I thought I married -- but he is gone now, if he ever existed at all.
I thought I was giving him time to get it together, but at the same time I was giving an abundance of time to myself. It was probably the best thing I did for myself because the doubt and self-doubt are gone. Do whatever it takes to make good decisions for you, and stop freaking out about the process and how you think you're supposed to feel. You're about to feel a lot of stuff. Focus on the facts instead.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by EmmyG 
I feel like the decision has been a long time coming but the actual moving-out step happened fast.
Like everyone else, I think the defensiveness is a normal, knee-jerk reaction. Don't judge yourself too harshly for needing some time to break old patterns. You have a LOT going on right now but soon you will find yourself establishing new routines, new patterns & the dust will start to settle.
Seren's post reminded me how much I cried when RAH & I separated, and how it would just pop up all the time like that - in the shower, etc. I realized that I *needed* to cry, it was like a release valve that helped to drain all that tension, exhaustion & fear I was feeling... so after a while I just embraced it whenever I felt it building up because I knew I would feel relieved after I purged.
BIG HUGS today! You are doing great!
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If you take marriage seriously, as I do and as you do, then extracting yourself from a marriage is a painful and gradual process. You've spent years being "half" of a couple; those habits and feelings don't just go away.
I felt like a traitor when I left AXH. Like I didn't have the right to. I never looked back, never thought "maybe we could make it work." But I wasn't sure I had the right to leave until much later, when I had sort of cut the ties completely. I did however decide that it was better to be alive and feel like a traitor than to have people praising my loyalty over my grave.
I felt like a traitor when I left AXH. Like I didn't have the right to. I never looked back, never thought "maybe we could make it work." But I wasn't sure I had the right to leave until much later, when I had sort of cut the ties completely. I did however decide that it was better to be alive and feel like a traitor than to have people praising my loyalty over my grave.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Emmy, I didn't read all the other posts yet, but I just have to say, You are not crazy. You're grieving. It's normal considering the circumstances. This is a LOSS. Maybe you really lost him a long time ago, but you were in denial. Denial is a symptom of alcoholism and codependency. Denial is a stage in the grief cycle.
There are strange things that happen to codependent brains, strange things that happen to the minds of people who've been targets for abuse. So maybe what's normal for a healthy person in grief is not the same as it is for people like us. You can recover though. You know that.
You will get angry too. I really think you will. It's a stage in the grief cycle. Sh:t, you've already been angry recently. I read it the other day.
I have all kinds of illogical feelings and false hopes regarding my X. It's okay, because I'm putting one fit in front of the other, letting my logical brain run the show, and working my program. To quote a nice screen name around here, " Healing will come"
There are strange things that happen to codependent brains, strange things that happen to the minds of people who've been targets for abuse. So maybe what's normal for a healthy person in grief is not the same as it is for people like us. You can recover though. You know that.
You will get angry too. I really think you will. It's a stage in the grief cycle. Sh:t, you've already been angry recently. I read it the other day.
I have all kinds of illogical feelings and false hopes regarding my X. It's okay, because I'm putting one fit in front of the other, letting my logical brain run the show, and working my program. To quote a nice screen name around here, " Healing will come"
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
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I think I got defensive about my husband because deep inside I thought of him as a reflection of me and my choices. If he was a jerk, then I must have something wrong with me to have picked and married him.
And you know, I think they were right. I ignored many red flags, I stayed longer then I should have, and I accepted unacceptable behavior. I needed to get healthy, still do, so I can heal and never make the same mistakes.
And you know, I think they were right. I ignored many red flags, I stayed longer then I should have, and I accepted unacceptable behavior. I needed to get healthy, still do, so I can heal and never make the same mistakes.
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