The Immortal Alcoholic's most recent entry
Stoic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
The Immortal Alcoholic's most recent entry
This might not be a very popular thread on my part.
I think many of us here have read, or at least are aware of the blog from the Immortal Alcoholic. In a nutshell, it's a wife with an endstage AH, and her ordeals and trials with dealing with and accepting his Alcoholism. From many of her descriptions of him, especially recently, he seems almost non-functioning, even in sobriety.
In any case, her most recent blog entry had my mouth agape in being appalled.
The way she describes what's happening, is the absolute antithesis of how we (here on the boards) tend to agree the best way to deal with our A's is (detach detach detach).
Her blog post reads like she's the Warden in a Maximum Security Prison.
I used to read her posts religiously...here was someone going through what I was going through, just *high-tech music cued* "in my future!" This blog post makes her sounds just as unhealthy as him! Thoughts?
I pasted the entry below.
I must say, however, that last line of hers reveals how DONE she is with everything involved with her A. I am there, I totally get that. There is no more "Oh but I love them, and hope they get better". She hits the nail on the head with that last line...in my opinion of course.
I think many of us here have read, or at least are aware of the blog from the Immortal Alcoholic. In a nutshell, it's a wife with an endstage AH, and her ordeals and trials with dealing with and accepting his Alcoholism. From many of her descriptions of him, especially recently, he seems almost non-functioning, even in sobriety.
In any case, her most recent blog entry had my mouth agape in being appalled.
The way she describes what's happening, is the absolute antithesis of how we (here on the boards) tend to agree the best way to deal with our A's is (detach detach detach).
Her blog post reads like she's the Warden in a Maximum Security Prison.
I used to read her posts religiously...here was someone going through what I was going through, just *high-tech music cued* "in my future!" This blog post makes her sounds just as unhealthy as him! Thoughts?
I pasted the entry below.
Who will win?...
I’ve been trying to write a post for some time now. Each time I add one to the blog I vow to myself not to go so long between postings, but time gets away from me and I find I’m always playing “catch-up.” Things were always bad when Riley was drinking constantly, consistently and predictably. Now that his body is not-so-functional from all the years of abuse, I find my life to be even more complicated than ever.
One of the medical professionals has told me that Riley’s dementia level is rated at 50% and another tells me he is more than that. I’m not sure what all the percentages mean, but I do know that living with him sober yet not rational is tiring.
He looks like a normal guy. He talks like a normal guy for short conversations. He can remember yesterday’s world news. He can even offer pros and cons when trying to make decisions. BUT… and there’s a big BUT… He often forgets entire days and within a couple hours will lose track of things I told him at breakfast. He talks about TV characters as though they are real people and respects the characters viewpoint often using it to make his own point about some situation or idea.
He falls often and each fall is immediately followed with “I’m OK.” He is stubborn refusing to use the cane or walker any more often than absolutely necessary and instead uses the furniture to maintain an upright stance. It’s probably why he falls so often. We have both tile and hardwood floors which mean falling can lead to a broken hip or injury to his head. He’s always OK and then a couple hours later he complains that his side hurts or his leg or his arm. I should not say the word “complain” because according to Riley he NEVER complains -- like it’s a sign of weakness or a lack of control. Instead he says he just states the facts.
He also never gets angry. At least he says he doesn’t get angry because anger is a waste of time and he is stronger than anyone who ever gets angry. Instead of coming out and staying that I infuriate him, he will be passive aggressive and do things like throw something of mine away.
I believe he is extremely angry with me and the entire world. He is angry because he is no longer in control of Riley World. He doesn’t get alcohol because I will not buy it. He can’t go to bars and clubs because I will not allow him to drive the car. He has no intimate contact with a female because I won’t find him a girlfriend. His drinking has caused any female relationships he has had to run far away from him. He still has faithful friends even though he does not want to communicate with them. Most of them are people he met when he was active in the AA program. They are still concerned and caring. But they are not the friends he wants. He wants his old friends – Aristocrat and Budweiser. He has no computer access. His days are spent watching reruns of programs like Castle, Bones, NCIS, etc. Those are his friends now.
I do not feel sorry for him. He was warned so many times that he was destroying his body. He always seemed to think it would never happen to him. He always claimed that he would live to 100 and be shot by a jealous husband. And he was so very proud that he would die in that manner. Now his dreams of that jealous husband are long gone. He is reaping what he has sowed. It didn’t have to be this way, but his choices have led him to be forced to live with a woman he does not like; in a place he does not like; and in a manner he does not like.
And yet – there are people who remark that it’s such a shame that this has happened to him. I agree. It is a shame that he never cared enough about his life to truly have a desire to save it. I want to scream that this didn’t just “happen” to him. Riley decided to take the risk and play that roulette wheel. He played and he lost. Of course, he didn’t want to lose in this manner. He wanted to lose with more finality. He wanted to die from drinking. He did not want to be crippled from it.
And, according to Riley, his being alive is clearly my fault. This is the one thing he openly states causes him to be angry. Any chaos or problems he causes are things that I deserve because I didn’t let him die. Well… I’d love to say that I won’t make that mistake again but I’m not sure I can stand by those words. Instead I’ll just say that I hope he goes quietly and peacefully so I won’t notice and thus not feel obligated to call for help.
A reader asked how I was doing. Hmmm… I don’t think about that too much anymore. Outwardly, I’m OK. Inside I’m angry, tired, frustrated, and just want all this to be over. I try to be a good caretaker, but keeping someone alive is not an easy thing when life is not what is wanted if it doesn’t include alcohol. I’m surviving every day sometimes just hour by hour. The only way to I can make sense of all this is to make sure I stay healthy and outlive Riley. It would be a shame for my end to come simply from the exhaustion of being his caretaker. I actually WANT my life and have many things planned for my Riley-free days.
I have considered letting Riley have small amounts of alcohol at specific times. It was even suggested by a therapist that I give it to him much the same as a medication. It might solve some of the anger issues and give him enough of a buzz to keep him more complacent. It is a thought, but I’m not going there just yet. I’m already his warden and not sure if I want to take on the role of bartender. It would be one more thing added to my “to do” list for each day. My list is full right now and I don’t see room for one more thing.
How I am doing seems to not be so relevant to Riley’s medical personnel. Most people are more concerned for him than they are for me. So I want to thank you for asking. I appreciate the concern and hope that your situation is a bit easier than mine at this time. I also hope that if you can find help and support in your journey through this alcoholism hell. If you have the opportunity, try to get hospice involved to relieve you from having to make the hard decisions. If you qualify, get in touch with the Veterans Administration, especially if there is a disability compensation connection. Protect yourself – always be aware and compliant to your own needs.
Above all else, remember that if you die before the alcoholic – alcoholism wins.>>
I’ve been trying to write a post for some time now. Each time I add one to the blog I vow to myself not to go so long between postings, but time gets away from me and I find I’m always playing “catch-up.” Things were always bad when Riley was drinking constantly, consistently and predictably. Now that his body is not-so-functional from all the years of abuse, I find my life to be even more complicated than ever.
One of the medical professionals has told me that Riley’s dementia level is rated at 50% and another tells me he is more than that. I’m not sure what all the percentages mean, but I do know that living with him sober yet not rational is tiring.
He looks like a normal guy. He talks like a normal guy for short conversations. He can remember yesterday’s world news. He can even offer pros and cons when trying to make decisions. BUT… and there’s a big BUT… He often forgets entire days and within a couple hours will lose track of things I told him at breakfast. He talks about TV characters as though they are real people and respects the characters viewpoint often using it to make his own point about some situation or idea.
He falls often and each fall is immediately followed with “I’m OK.” He is stubborn refusing to use the cane or walker any more often than absolutely necessary and instead uses the furniture to maintain an upright stance. It’s probably why he falls so often. We have both tile and hardwood floors which mean falling can lead to a broken hip or injury to his head. He’s always OK and then a couple hours later he complains that his side hurts or his leg or his arm. I should not say the word “complain” because according to Riley he NEVER complains -- like it’s a sign of weakness or a lack of control. Instead he says he just states the facts.
He also never gets angry. At least he says he doesn’t get angry because anger is a waste of time and he is stronger than anyone who ever gets angry. Instead of coming out and staying that I infuriate him, he will be passive aggressive and do things like throw something of mine away.
I believe he is extremely angry with me and the entire world. He is angry because he is no longer in control of Riley World. He doesn’t get alcohol because I will not buy it. He can’t go to bars and clubs because I will not allow him to drive the car. He has no intimate contact with a female because I won’t find him a girlfriend. His drinking has caused any female relationships he has had to run far away from him. He still has faithful friends even though he does not want to communicate with them. Most of them are people he met when he was active in the AA program. They are still concerned and caring. But they are not the friends he wants. He wants his old friends – Aristocrat and Budweiser. He has no computer access. His days are spent watching reruns of programs like Castle, Bones, NCIS, etc. Those are his friends now.
I do not feel sorry for him. He was warned so many times that he was destroying his body. He always seemed to think it would never happen to him. He always claimed that he would live to 100 and be shot by a jealous husband. And he was so very proud that he would die in that manner. Now his dreams of that jealous husband are long gone. He is reaping what he has sowed. It didn’t have to be this way, but his choices have led him to be forced to live with a woman he does not like; in a place he does not like; and in a manner he does not like.
And yet – there are people who remark that it’s such a shame that this has happened to him. I agree. It is a shame that he never cared enough about his life to truly have a desire to save it. I want to scream that this didn’t just “happen” to him. Riley decided to take the risk and play that roulette wheel. He played and he lost. Of course, he didn’t want to lose in this manner. He wanted to lose with more finality. He wanted to die from drinking. He did not want to be crippled from it.
And, according to Riley, his being alive is clearly my fault. This is the one thing he openly states causes him to be angry. Any chaos or problems he causes are things that I deserve because I didn’t let him die. Well… I’d love to say that I won’t make that mistake again but I’m not sure I can stand by those words. Instead I’ll just say that I hope he goes quietly and peacefully so I won’t notice and thus not feel obligated to call for help.
A reader asked how I was doing. Hmmm… I don’t think about that too much anymore. Outwardly, I’m OK. Inside I’m angry, tired, frustrated, and just want all this to be over. I try to be a good caretaker, but keeping someone alive is not an easy thing when life is not what is wanted if it doesn’t include alcohol. I’m surviving every day sometimes just hour by hour. The only way to I can make sense of all this is to make sure I stay healthy and outlive Riley. It would be a shame for my end to come simply from the exhaustion of being his caretaker. I actually WANT my life and have many things planned for my Riley-free days.
I have considered letting Riley have small amounts of alcohol at specific times. It was even suggested by a therapist that I give it to him much the same as a medication. It might solve some of the anger issues and give him enough of a buzz to keep him more complacent. It is a thought, but I’m not going there just yet. I’m already his warden and not sure if I want to take on the role of bartender. It would be one more thing added to my “to do” list for each day. My list is full right now and I don’t see room for one more thing.
How I am doing seems to not be so relevant to Riley’s medical personnel. Most people are more concerned for him than they are for me. So I want to thank you for asking. I appreciate the concern and hope that your situation is a bit easier than mine at this time. I also hope that if you can find help and support in your journey through this alcoholism hell. If you have the opportunity, try to get hospice involved to relieve you from having to make the hard decisions. If you qualify, get in touch with the Veterans Administration, especially if there is a disability compensation connection. Protect yourself – always be aware and compliant to your own needs.
Above all else, remember that if you die before the alcoholic – alcoholism wins.>>
Last edited by Seren; 03-25-2014 at 06:14 PM. Reason: Links to other blogs not allowed - SR Rule 1
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
I have never read any of Immortal 's posts. Her words are hard to swallow BUT .....
I believe that Immortal's Post is reflective of someone who is suffering from PTSD (from dealing with years of her husband's alcoholism, infiidelity, possibly abuse) and a severe and exhausting case of Caregiver Stress Disorder.
I place emphasis on the word "suffering".
I believe that Immortal's Post is reflective of someone who is suffering from PTSD (from dealing with years of her husband's alcoholism, infiidelity, possibly abuse) and a severe and exhausting case of Caregiver Stress Disorder.
I place emphasis on the word "suffering".
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Above all else, remember that if you die before the alcoholic – alcoholism wins.
I have to say that line really horrifies me - like I felt physically ill reading it. Only because I can see myself becoming her, if I wasn't moving out. I'm in no way judging her, I just know how easy it is to get sucked into a life of dysfunction. Kind of reminds me of when AH goes on a bender, the days after are very dark at our house. He stays in bed in the dark and sleeps, and when he's not asleep, he's yelling at me for disturbing him. I'm trying to put a smile on my face while cleaning the house and keeping the kids entertained, but I know they can see how sad I am. It's so easy for the darkness to swallow everyone up in it.
I have to say that line really horrifies me - like I felt physically ill reading it. Only because I can see myself becoming her, if I wasn't moving out. I'm in no way judging her, I just know how easy it is to get sucked into a life of dysfunction. Kind of reminds me of when AH goes on a bender, the days after are very dark at our house. He stays in bed in the dark and sleeps, and when he's not asleep, he's yelling at me for disturbing him. I'm trying to put a smile on my face while cleaning the house and keeping the kids entertained, but I know they can see how sad I am. It's so easy for the darkness to swallow everyone up in it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Originally Posted by EmmyG 
Above all else, remember that if you die before the alcoholic – alcoholism wins.
I have to say that line really horrifies me - like I felt physically ill reading it. Only because I can see myself becoming her, if I wasn't moving out. I'm in no way judging her, I just know how easy it is to get sucked into a life of dysfunction. Kind of reminds me of when AH goes on a bender, the days after are very dark at our house. He stays in bed in the dark and sleeps, and when he's not asleep, he's yelling at me for disturbing him. I'm trying to put a smile on my face while cleaning the house and keeping the kids entertained, but I know they can see how sad I am. It's so easy for the darkness to swallow everyone up in it.
I have to say that line really horrifies me - like I felt physically ill reading it. Only because I can see myself becoming her, if I wasn't moving out. I'm in no way judging her, I just know how easy it is to get sucked into a life of dysfunction. Kind of reminds me of when AH goes on a bender, the days after are very dark at our house. He stays in bed in the dark and sleeps, and when he's not asleep, he's yelling at me for disturbing him. I'm trying to put a smile on my face while cleaning the house and keeping the kids entertained, but I know they can see how sad I am. It's so easy for the darkness to swallow everyone up in it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Originally Posted by CodeJob
Oh my. So she stuck with him for the military benefits? Then she felt obligated to care for him? Can't she get him into a VA home? She sounds miserable in the few posts I read.
I should read her blog but I must confess I am a little apprehensive.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Oh how sad. She sounds so horribly bitter and miserable. This is not how I want to end up at all. Such a shame, it's as if two lives are being wasted. I guess that can happen if you choose to stick it out with an active A.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Yikes. That was depressing. What kind of life are either of these two people living?! One is mentally handicapped and hates the caregiver, the caregiver hates the person she cares for. Why the hell are they living under the same roof?! He has people who still care about him so why not let someone else take the reins? You only get one life, what waste it being miserable? Reality check: the alcoholism is already winning. It's taking her life, minute by minute, yesterday and today and looks like it'll consume her tomorrow too.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I have read much of her blog and please remember she is doing this for his veterns benefits. She was seperated from him for 20 years but never divorced so she could collect. She also took him in when her daughter said he was doing poorly and she was going to care for him
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Originally Posted by Stung
Yikes. That was depressing. What kind of life are either of these two people living?! One is mentally handicapped and hates the caregiver, the caregiver hates the person she cares for. Why the hell are they living under the same roof?! He has people who still care about him so why not let someone else take the reins? You only get one life, what waste it being miserable? Reality check: the alcoholism is already winning. It's taking her life, minute by minute, yesterday and today and looks like it'll consume her tomorrow too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I had an old co-worker who did something similar, her ex was a retired firefighter and military (she was retired military turned corporate accountant) but developed some serious health problems in his 50s from decades of alcohol abuse. They ended up remarrying after his health drastically worsened. He was receiving her care (that he wasn't grateful for) and she and her adult son were getting his benefits (and subsequent benefits after he died too.)
I didn't understand it at the time and I still don't understand it now. It would be heart wrenching to watch someone you passionately love deteriorate but I cannot imagine choosing to care for someone who you don't particularly even care for. Benefits or not. Life insurance proceeds or not. I don't know if I'm missing the empathy here or what but I don't get it. Are the veterans benefits worth years of misery?
I didn't understand it at the time and I still don't understand it now. It would be heart wrenching to watch someone you passionately love deteriorate but I cannot imagine choosing to care for someone who you don't particularly even care for. Benefits or not. Life insurance proceeds or not. I don't know if I'm missing the empathy here or what but I don't get it. Are the veterans benefits worth years of misery?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Originally Posted by happybeingme
I have read much of her blog and please remember she is doing this for his veterns benefits. She was seperated from him for 20 years but never divorced so she could collect. She also took him in when her daughter said he was doing poorly and she was going to care for him
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
I suppose different strokes for different folks.
Not my preferred path, but to each their own.
But this whole thing of Neither side working a Program is sort of amusing. Sort of the double antithesis of life working well ONLY when both are working their Program. Guaranteed Hell for BOTH sides.
Not my preferred path, but to each their own.
But this whole thing of Neither side working a Program is sort of amusing. Sort of the double antithesis of life working well ONLY when both are working their Program. Guaranteed Hell for BOTH sides.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
