SadWife7

It's been just over 2 weeks since I took the kiddo & left my hubby. Life is so strange now. When I see him, I'm seeing the man I married 2 years ago. He's in treatment and going to NA/AA meetings and hanging out with his family a lot since all of his friends are out of the picture. He wants to think everything is better, or at least on the right path, and it's going to take more time. 2 weeks ago today he was in the midst of withdrawals and not even coherent. He did stay the night the other day, and as soon as I got in bed, I knew it was too early. I wasn't going to kick him out of bed & send him on his way, but I am going to stick to my earlier thought of when he completes the 15 day treatment we can have a nice dinner & he can stay over. And I do have a spare bed, so I can sleep there if i'm not comfortable yet so that he can snuggle with our son. As soon as I laid down, it just brought the last month back, and all those nights I begged him to come to bed, and would be up half the night, or would get out of bed & sleep elsewhere as soon as he got in bed, or nights he would come to bed & sleep like the dead.
I went to an alanon meeting earlier this week and I really didn't care for it. I will go to 6 before I make a decision on them, but there was something about it I just didn't care for. I would like to have a Naranon meeting in my area, but there aren't any. Can anyone clear up the difference? Hubby says they are the exact same program-He actually had no idea Naranon even existed. I know a drug is a drug is a drug, but I still can't get over the idea that If I'm sitting in a room full of family of alcoholics....None of them can relate to me quite like I need. I can't relate to them on a lot of things. I just can't help but feel like sticking a needle in your arm is different than picking up a bottle, even if the addiction part is the same.
I do have another family support group today that I am looking forward to, I went to one last week & I did enjoy that setting/format a lot better.
I think I resent the idea that I have to go through a program because of my husbands addiction. If he doesn't stay sober & in recovery, I'll leave him because I have to put the kids, and me, first. There isn't anything wrong with me. I need to find healing from what he has put me through, yes. I need to understand addiction as much as possible, yes. I can't change him, control him, or cure him- Yea, I am completely aware of that. find a lot of solace in that. THIS ISN'T MY FAULT. If I had any influence at all he never would have put my family through this. I just have to figure out how to move on.
I need a setting where I can bitch & moan & get it all out. I don't feel like alanon really offers that-they have 12 steps & daily readings & books they want you to buy & prayers, and you know what- I was raised Catholic. I REFUSE to hold hands in church to pray. We didn't do that as kids, they changed things, I don't like it, and I don't do it. I had to hold hands to pray @ alanon. Did not like it. I believe in Karma, and I got sick of hearing God/Higher Power over and over again- I understand that a lot of people need that to find healing or whatever. I don't. I just need to make up my damn mind and follow that path, and no one, not god or the guy next to me at alanon or family therapy or you guys, can tell me what to do that is right for my family. As long as my husband is sober & in recovery, I'll stick by him. Go to couples therapy to try to heal our relationship & get help fixing the huge problems- I'll stand by my vows as long as he is trying. If he quits trying, it makes my path a lot easier to see.
I like SR because I do feel like I can vent, and hear from people who have situations that are scarily similar to mine. I like the family support group because Hubby's therapist hosts it & he has a lot of answers about addiction, and the information I need. And I think hearing my side of things will help him address some of it in the one -on-one therapy w/ hubby, or at least let him see both sides of it so he can take it into account.
A different counselor told my husband that he should be angry at me for talking to his family & his work because i did it out of anger or something. I apologized for handling things wrong, but explained to him that I was not acting out of anger, I was acting out of fear. I really believed that he would have to be in inpatient rehab for months, that he would not be able to essentially rejoin the real world so quickly. I had NO idea what I was doing. I just reacted. And I think he knows that, because he isn't angry at me for it. Or maybe he just knows that on the scale of who did wrong to who...In a lifetime I could not hurt him the way he has hurt me & our kids.

Ugh. I am looking forward to the couples counseling. I'm going to schedule it today if husband hasn't yet. Or maybe I won't, because he needs to want to fix our relationship for it to be fixed. There we go.
Thanks to anyone who reads this for listening to me bitch & moan & giving me a chance to vent so that I can feel better. I appreciate it

BlueChair

Its great to hear some good news from out your way!!

Vent away if it helps, its safe to do it here and feels good sometimes !!

I remember the when I first when I saw the light come back into my husband’s eyes during his treatment and it felt so good but scary too because emotionally I was still dealing with all the traumatic events from earlier and fear of the future. Keep going at your own pace and do the things that help you recover emotionally, as long as he keeps working on this then I think you stand a good chance of working through all of it together. If he quits and gives up this will also keep you strong for the hard choices might need to be faced.

The part of doing stuff out of anger, well I think we all do that at some point, and my opinion is a lot of it does come from fear, spontaneous reactions driven by adrenalin. Whats important I think is your realizing it. My emotions and reactions are what Im working on and Im learning a lot about myself, and how to relate to him better especially now because Ive learned a lot about addiction and know more of what he is going through each and every day to recover.

I don’t think you have to work a program of any kind in particular of force yourself to do alanon if you don’t like it. All Ive done is work with what they offered at the rehab and it included counseling for me, and family sessions with him and the doctor. Plus using SR, and leaning a lot on my family and friends. I really like the family sessions we do together and I always come away from those feeling like we are working together to rebuild, each of us doing our own part and carrying an equal responsibility for our marriage.

I hope things keep going in a straight line for both of you. We've had some zig zags and dips !! But Im still in the game too, sticking by him, and no regrets so far.

Big hugs to you ((Sadwife7)) !!

cleaninLI

Sadwife just wanted to send you cyber hugs!

CodeJob

Hi SadWife,
You wrote -
"I think I resent the idea that I have to go through a program because of my husband's addiction.... There isn't anything wrong with me. ...THIS ISN'T MY FAULT."

I am one year ahead of you in this path. I too had a lot of resentment and felt it was all my H's fault. As I struggled with my anger to even be called 'codependent' I started to sadly realize it was true. Somehow, how I am played a role in my tattered marriage. There is more than addiction going on. For me, I am so terrified of abandonment that I hung on for dear life rather than let go of this marriage. The books that I was most able to tolerate is Melody Beattie's Letting Go (a daily reader) and Codependent No More. Although not writing just for the recovery crowd, I have become a bit of a Brene Brown fan too (Daring Greatly).

"I need a setting where I can bitch & moan & get it all out." - Please stick on SR. That is what goes on a lot! I think the F&F alcoholics side is a bit more active, and some people post all over, so look around. You might find yourself learning a lot here in sections you do not even think initially apply to you. I realized I am ACOA and have had lifelong anxiety from SR - I was just skipping around and had some serious revelations! Knowing that how I act in relationships (codie) is somehow related to how I grew up, I can forgive myself for not knowing better and work hard now to try to change. I am changing for me - because I want to be better -more open - more mature.

You also said, "I don't feel like alanon really offers that-they have 12 steps & daily readings & books they want you to buy & prayers, and you know what- I was raised Catholic. I REFUSE to hold hands in church to pray. We didn't do that as kids, they changed things, I don't like it, and I don't do it. I had to hold hands to pray @ alanon. Did not like it. I believe in Karma, and I got sick of hearing God/Higher Power over and over again- I understand that a lot of people need that to find healing or whatever. I don't. I just need to make up my damn mind and follow that path, and no one, not god or the guy next to me at alanon or family therapy or you guys, can tell me what to do that is right for my family. As long as my husband is sober & in recovery, I'll stick by him. Go to couples therapy to try to heal our relationship & get help fixing the huge problems- I'll stand by my vows as long as he is trying. If he quits trying, it makes my path a lot easier to see."

Well I could have written that. My Al Anon is weirdly Christian. We do hold hands and say the Our Father. I was raised Catholic so prefer to be my own little island and not touch other people at mass. I was confused bc I thought Al Anon was not any religion. But look at some of the people who seem calm and serene. WTF are they on? The progam is working for them. I am in the midst of my step 4. Someone just told me at work that I look different - I look 'bright'. She also said I am laughing again. It's true. I just noticed it myself. I am laughing again. So I am in no real hurry on the steps. I had a real hard time with Step 3 and even took a break between 2 and 3 because I really had to re-think my spirituality. Catholicism does NOT work for me and it was a real struggle to let that whole belief system go once and for all. But once I figured it out, I systematically tried to give my HP a chance to act in my life before I rolled in and did things my way. It has made a difference. I open my mind to a larger message. I follow my instincts more now. I do not go to Al Anon near enough, but it has been a big help to me.

If my H relapses the marriage is over. That is my boundary. I did my detachment and patience in the first 19 years. My RAH only agreed to marital counseling twice and it was overwhelming. He is in denial. But he is 11 mo sober. He is learning to live without his addiction. It is a tough road some days.

You have every right to make up your own mind. But I took the recovery path and I am stubborn enough that I will keep on it. You have every right to be angry. In my early days I really felt like I was sizzling I was so angry. I wish you all the best. Thanks for posting!

Kindeyes

Well....Al-Anon and Nar-Anon aren't for everyone.....and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Whatever helps YOU is what is important and I believe that we get out of anything exactly what we put into it....regardless of what it is.

Your husband was correct. The basic concept of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon is the same....both are 12 step formats. If the thought of something greater than yourself or a 12 step program is not up your alley....hopefully you'll find something else that is!!

As far as Al-Anon and Nar-Anon keeping people in a perpetual state of victimhood......I simply disagree. People keep themselves in a perpetual state of victimhood. Nar-Anon was how I found my way out of that maze of victimhood, martyrdom, and the crazy dance of addiction. It is what worked for me but I fully understand if it doesn't work for someone else. To each their own.....

The misunderstanding of those programs continues to amaze me. Unfortunately, if people are looking for a place to vent about the addicts shenanigans, they are going to be sorely disappointed with a 12 step program. It is a place to explore our own coping mechanisms and improve them. It is a place to examine our reactions to the addicts shenanigans (because honestly.....our reactions can be quite alarmingly dysfunctional...lol). It is a place to find independence and courage. It is a place to find support from others who are experiencing similar events in their lives. It reminds me of the words of my mother and her mother before her.....if you can't say something nice.....

I would not try to convince someone that Nar-Anon (or Al-Anon) is the only way (because it is not) but I also would not perpetuate misinformation about something that I know little about that may help someone else. I could be doing someone who is fragile and in need of that exact "something" a tremendous disservice. A simple "it's not for me" works fine.....anything more and we could be planting seeds in the minds of others that could cause them not to explore something that could help them tremendously. And I don't think that's anyone's goal here.

When you find something that works for you, I hope that you'll share it!

gentle hugs
ke

Kindeyes

And just to give a bit of a plug for another one of the forums here on SR.....look on the list of forums below this one. There is a secular forum for those who are not inspired by a 12 step program. That would be a great place to explore other non-12 step programs that have worked for others.

gentle hugs
ke

Ann

Sadwife, none of the Al-anon or CoDA meetings I went to made you buy anything and the praying and holding hands was optional, it was for those who were comfortable with it and those who were not were fine sitting that part out.

I say this just to clarify how it is a most meetings, if it is not like this at any meeting you go to you may want to try another.

You are free to choose whatever works for you.

That said, a couple of posts were removed from this thread as they broke Rule #4 and bashed a program.

I would ask that members remain respectful to ALL methods of recovery. This forum is for people of any method of recovery or no formal method at all, to share what worked for them.

I hope you find something that offers you the support you are seeking. It's nice to not feel alone when times get tough like this.

Hugs

SadWife7

I have committed to giving al-anon an honest effort-I went through the schedule last night & found 3 meetings later this week that I can make work into my schedule. Part of me wants to get the 6 over with so I can say I tried and be done, but I have picked all different meetings so that if there is one out there that feels like a better fit, hopefully i'll find it. I am going to look at the secular programs as well though.

I don't know. The family support meeting was really good, but now emotions are just so much closer to the surface than they were before. I had a city meeting tonight I wanted to go to, I talked to my husband last night about whether or not he would be available to spend time with him so I could go. He mentioned 2 different meetings he could go to, one worked timewise for me. No committment was made though, I usually have family I can get to watch him-just wanted him to have the chance to spend time with the kiddo. When I called him today, he was going to the one that worked with mine, but had also committed to going to a different meeting than he had originally mentioned with a new guy in his treatment program. That was fine, but then none of my family was available to watch the kiddo so I took him with & had to leave after just 20 min because he was being a nightmare. Went from being super frustrated to depressed after trying to rent Frozen at redbox & it's out right now. So I bought oreos and I'm going to make supper & get this kid to bed early before I go crazy. Found him outside a few min ago, apparently he can open a door that he hasn't been able to. Thank goodness it has a security lock thing on it so I can lock it with a key on the inside.
This roller coaster bites. Living as a single mom is a lot harder some days than others. Being pregnant & having all my hormones going crazy bites.
*sigh*
I do apologize for speaking negatively of the al-anon program. I know that AA/NA/Alanon work for a lot of people, and help them find their way through life while dealing with addiction. It is really really hard for me to let go of the resentment that I am now someone dealing with addiction, and I know I will have to work at that. It's just so hard not to hate him for putting me through this when I'm tired & alone, instead of having a partner & working as a team to raise our kid. He'd be back in a second if I let him, but it won't work until I have healed & he has too.

Ann

Sadwife, it's not necessarily "either or", I found a great home group in CoDA and went to a family support group as well as counseling. In the long term , I have stuck with 12 step but initially I needed all the help I could find.

I really hope you can find the support and serenity so many of us have found.

hugs

Kindeyes

Resentment was a huge issue for me too. And that resentment ate me up from the inside out. I don't think it did a whole lot to my xah though. lol There's a wonderful saying that "resentment is like taking poison....and hoping the other person will die." There's a lot of truth to that. One of the most important things I learned was how to let go of resentment.....and it wasn't easy!!! My XAH seemed to have a talent for giving me reasons to resent him....or at least that's how I looked at it.

I hope you're able to find a Nar-Anon meeting to try. Unfortunately, they aren't as prolific as Al-Anon and you're right.....there is a difference when drugs are involved. There's just something different. I prefer Nar-Anon but would certainly go to Al-Anon if that was my only option. I definitely took the "take what I need and leave the rest" to heart. I took the information that was useful to me and disregarded the stuff that I didn't care for. If you don't want to hold hands, don't. If you don't want to say the serenity prayer, don't. If you don't want to share, don't. That's ok. I met one or two people I could really relate to. I would meet with them for coffee or invite them to my home.....they helped me so much....because I could rant to them and they would listen and could relate. It was such a relief to find people who "got it".

Other great things that helped me were private counseling, yoga and meditation, exercise, dance and massive amounts of reading.

This is a tough time for you.....I wish you well in your endeavor to find peace.

gentle hugs
ke

Lovenjoy

SadWife - I am so sorry for your troubles and am sending good thoughts your way. My son is the addict in my life and the chaos of this disease is just unbelievable. There are no Nar-anon in my area so I have started Al-anon. In the meeting I like most I think at least a third of our qualifiers are addicts not alcoholics. (that's not why I like it best, it's a meditation meeting which is what I like) But I can share with the others in the same boat as me with addiction after the meeting. I am finding the connections I make then very important.

What I have found though is nobody there is concerned with what substance brings you in. The focus is on how to find peace for ourselves while our loved ones deal with their struggles. The use and abuse is rarely spoken of directly and that has actually been really helpful for me in learning to focus on myself and how I can make my life more manageable.

I hope you can find some peace. However and wherever you are able to do so. People here really understand and we all have to find our own path which for me involves many things. Al-anon is just one but it has helped me find other tools that work for me. SR is another. It's great for me to hear the wisdom people on SR have to share from their own situations and learn about different things to read and the stickies are great. And whenever I reach out for help, help is here. And when I'm hurting I can vent and get my thoughts and feelings out which helps me find some clarity.

You don't have to fight this battle alone. You're part of the SR family now and we all want only the best for you and your children. Just some thoughts from me to you.

YearForMe

Me: Major resentment with my daughter (active meth addict for 20+ years)

I saw no good reason to go to Alanon....or learn about addiction....or learn about meth....
NONE

I resented the thought of having to go to a meeting...when I was not the addict.

Until someone told me:

Then don't go.

Meetings and the 12 steps are something for you to learn how to cope
and have a more fulfilling life.
It's not to learn how to manage the addicts life. It's to learn to manage OUR life in spite of whatever the addict is doing.
When you get uncomfortable enough trying to do it your way YearForMe (that's them...telling me)....you will seek help and not a moment sooner.

Once it was presented to me that way....I no longer resented it.

My personal opinion is that every adult human being would benefit from working the 12 steps. Even if no addiction issues are present.

It's such an introspective series.... and I suspect...is why some (not saying you) don't like it. You have to do some digging down into those dark places of our psyche....and some just can't go there.

allforcnm

Hi SadWife,

Its good to hear your husband is doing well in his recovery. I think what your feeling is understandable because it is still very early in the whole process. It takes time to heal and forgive….to be emotionally and physically close to someone again… When my husband was in early recovery and I started therapy, she told me I had been through my own sort of trauma based on all that had happened to our family during his active addiction. I had a lot of things to work out alone, and also with him in terms of our marriage, and being parents together. I think your handling everything very well… just remember its only been a few weeks… look how far you’ve come.

For my healing process I used individual therapy and marriage counseling with my husband. We started that very early, and it was healing for both of us… Im excited to hear that you may be doing couples counseling together. Honest communication is very important IMO, and at least initially it helped us to have a specialist there who could help us navigate the troubled waters. The therapist I worked with was from his rehab and she was well versed in addiction from a medical/psychological perspective. Learning about addiction solved many of my issues because once I understood how it all worked it clarified a lot for me. I had the same attitude as you I think… it was all going to come down to his dedication to recovery, and I was also willing to accept relapse IF he continued to work on it honestly.

Anyway, I was going to suggest when you start the couples counseling – maybe ask for a referral or some individual appointments with that doctor for yourself. It helped me to discuss things with my husband, and then have a session alone where I could explore my feelings in more depth.

My therapist also suggested the CRAFT approach (community reinforcement and family training) to help ME stay in tune with myself, and provide healthy support to him during early recovery. I mostly worked with the therapist on this & if I needed to vent just shared with her. (she probably wished she had a twin to substitute for her on those days – lol).

Also staying involved in my church helped me in many ways, and as my son was little I even started volunteering for the nursery and such, met other young moms and expanded my network of friends. All of it was cumulative….

Keep looking and Im sure you will find what you need for your own health and healing.

Kindeyes

Well....and I don't blame them.....it's scary in there!!!! lol Sometimes it's far easier (and a certain kind of comfortable) to stay stuck in the illusion that everything is somebody else's issue......life revolves around the addict's recovery......while stewing in resentment, anger, martyrdom, and control. (I'm speaking of myself here.....not anyone else.....just to clarify.)

Ultimately, it doesn't matter how "it" is accomplished...if one has the financial resources to spend (hundreds??) of thousands of dollars on expensive rehabs and therapy.....then go that direction! But if you don't.....you can get the same result.....for free. For anything to work, there will be "sweat equity" involved.

My brother is a therapist....a good one....he told me the other day.....Therapy doesn't work unless the person involved does "the work". As I mentioned before.....anything will work....we get out of anything exactly what we put into it.

I love the saying "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear". I wasn't ready for a while...... I had other lessons to learn first.

gentle hugs
ke