Butterf1y

So I dated this guy for three years and honestly he was the sweetest person I knew we did everything together and not only did we love each other but we were also best friends. Anyways I noticed his drinking was a problem for awhile before I actually said anything to him but for the longest time I played the enabler and pretended like it wasn't that bad. This went on for sometime until I reached my breaking point and I stopped putting up with his behavior, I started to speak my mind. Just last spring I gave him an ultimatum and that's when everything changed in our relationship. He attempted to stop drinking for a few weeks and attended an AA meeting only to come to the conclusion that he didn't feel right there. He told me he felt out of place and that while he wasn't drinking he was starting to feel depressed and not like his old self anymore. He concluded that he could not stop drinking because he realized that he was only trying to stop for me but not for himself. I feel like in that moment he made his choice and chose alcohol over me. He tried breaking up with me that summer but we talked things over and I set some boundaries with regards to his drinking. Things seemed to be getting better, he wasn't drinking as much around me but when and if he was I was completely turned off by him and I continuously pushed him away when he wanted to get affectionate. From the beginning of September to the beginning of December I had slowly started to realize the reality that was he may never quit drinking and I always had in the back of my mind that constant reminder that he had in fact picked alcohol over me. In the beginning of December right before our anniversary and Christmas he breaks up with me. I was devastated and believe that I still am but at the same time I'm lucky that I don't have to take care of him anymore, and I'm thankful to have gotten out of a very unhealthy relationship. Now the worst part of it all is that for so long I have been missing his friendship and I wanted us to get to a place where we could someday be friends again. He had suggested to me a couple of tines after our breakup that he really wanted to remain friends and that he thought it was important that we tried to work at a friendship. We both work at the same place but do not work side by side however I have been hearing rumors that he had started dating another girl at our workplace and I was crushed. Just yesterday those rumors were confirmed and he is dating this girl. Can I really continue to blame this on the alcohol? I mean he tells me he wants me to be happy and that he really cares about me then starts dating a girl right in the same place we work three months after we broke up. Is this an insensitive act? And is this a result of his drinking? He told me he new he had a problem and that part of why we broke up was because he had been feeling guilty for the way he treated me and that I deserved better. I'm so upset I thought I knew him but I can't believe he has put me through all this and still is

doggonecarl

As long as he's still drinking, I suppose so. If he ever sobers up you can try and figure out if he's just a jerk.

It must be uncomfortable working with someone you care/cared about but have now broken up. I doubt it will make you feel better now, but you've dodged a bullet. Count your blessings.

Chilledice

doggonecarl is right you have indeed dodged a bullet! 3 months is still early days after a break up I guess. Chin up soldier you WILL feel better in time!

Chilledice

Have you thought about starting dating again? just something casual to get you back out there focus on YOU and start to try and enjoy your life! I know these things can be so awfully painful and difficult to deal with but honestly in time you will be fine. But really work on making yourself happy

Longpasttime

You set some boundaries that didn't work for him and you broke up. Sounds good on both sides. As far as being friends, true friends arent crushed when the other starts dating someone, so I would suggest a clean break. If he ever stops drinking for real and wants to be with you, you can re evaluate at that point. My advice: Wish him well and completely move on. Good luck!

Butterf1y

Yeah I agree with all of your replies I understand that I deserve better and that I most definitely dodged a bullet, but it still stings and friends don't start dating someone three months after you dated for three years. We weren't really friends after the breakup anyways we just said we needed some time apart to separate our relationship from a new friendship. So if was really genuine in what he said and if he really cared about me like he said he did he wouldn't date someone right in the same place where we work that's just cruel. Am I wrong?

FreeOwl

regardless of the role alcohol may continue to play in his life.... I think you effected a positive exit from a situation that wasn't likely to be good for you.

time to be thankful and move on.

Butterf1y

How could he have moved on so fast when he admitted to his addiction after breaking up with me telling me that he's an alcoholic and saying that he needs to get better. And then all of a sudden stars dating someone new shortly after? Is that a classic rebound, because three months is not enough time to jump into a new relationship when you left the last one because you were feeling depressed guilty and admitting to your addiction.

Chilledice

It's normal for it to still sting especially when it is right in front of your face! However that is life! ( sorry if I sound harsh ) I remember a break up 8 years ago, she was dating again within a WEEK ohhhhhhh man that stung! But what I came to realise is that it was well and truly OVER!

It's obvious you still love/ have romantic feelings towards this guy but really it is time to try and let go and move forward yourself, I know you are hurting so badly right now and yes it IS very cruel I agree with you, however I do feel that you are holding onto him, emotionally anyway.

Just give dating a try or maybe do something for YOURSELF, a new hobby maybe? something new in your life to bring back that smile

FreeOwl

It's a fool's mission trying to understand the real motives of another when it comes to relationships that end and their actions before, during or after a relationship's demise....

I know that it always leaves us with a lot of questions, but most will never be truthfully answered. Better to ask "what have I learnt about myself and my own needs from this situation" - bid them well with as much empathy as we can muster, forgive with as much forgiveness as we can draw upon, and move on in making our own lives the best we can.

Butterf1y

Yes I know that's exactly what I need right now, some positive people in my life and to meet someone who has their head on straight I wish so badly for someone to come and rescue me from this mess.

Chilledice

You can rescue yourself from this mess

Butterf1y

Your right FreeOwl I don't want to be angry and hurt anymore I just want to get on with my life but I'm just wondering how to do that how to really let go. I know it will take some time but I really want that for myself I really want to be happy and forgive so I am trying to make that my mission now. And thanks Chilledice I can and I will rescue myself from this mess

Aellyce

Butterf1y, my suggestion is to try to cut him out of your thoughts and move on. I know it's hard... I'm an alcoholic and was in a long term pretty twisted relationship once with a guy who had drinking problem, other addictions, and on top pretty successfully pulled me into a very unhealthy way of relating (I did not recognize it as unhealthy for a long time) that was extremely hard to break in the end.

Remaining "friends" while you are having the kind of feelings you've described (kinda jealous of the other girl) to me sounds like attempting moderation for addicts / alcoholics. Not a good idea in my opinion. How is it useful for you to contemplate these things about him now, trying to understand his motives, etc? I would try to work on closing the chapter in your mind and socialize with people who are not in active addictions. My old lover is still exactly in the place where he was during our relationship and we tried to interact several times since "officially" ending it just as causal chatting, but each time I see he has not changed a bit. Still the emotionally unavailable, troubled soul who maintains a fake "successful" image (only professionally, don't think any other areas of his life are good), while constantly craving interaction but unable to be authentic and let anyone close... NO!! No way for me to go back, and I don't see the value of a superficial "friendship" either. Why waste the mental energy pondering his actions?

FreeOwl

in my experience, it's about time... and continued focus / awareness of your conscious intent to move on and focus on positive things.

It's easy for us to drift back into 'stuckness' at times like this.

start each day with a positive intention statement and remind yourself throughout the day. Come up with three things you'd like to do, try or explore as you move forward.... just for you. A new creative pursuit? A fitness challenge? A new skill? Writing a letter to a friend each day for 30 days?

Time spent focused on Self will lead you forward.

sugarbear1

maybe look at your behavior in all of this.....maybe raise the bar on who you date, too.....

Butterf1y

Yeah that's for sure I'm definitely going to raise the bar now but what's sad was that I thought I had I mean this guy was good. And by good I mean he put on a good act I guess he's what they classify as a high functioning alcoholic. He had me fooled for awhile there but eventually I saw right through him. I guess growing up with an alcoholic father is why I was not only effected by his drinking but able to see that this was not something I was willing to live with or accept from someone in a relationship. I'm glad it's over and as hurt as I still am by this all I will continue to pray for him in hopes that he may someday get better but at the same time focus on my own happiness and what I need to live a fulfilling life.
Thank you everyone for your kind words and wisdom I will carry that forward with me as I embark on my own road to recovery from this once toxic relationship

ReadyAtLast

I agree with Chilledice. YOU can rescue you from this mess. Maybe work on yourself and build up your self worth and respect rather than wait for someone else to come and rescue you.

I think you have had a really lucky escape. Imagine if you were married with 3 children and his drinking had escalated ( which it will) and he's lost his job and licence etc etc etc. It would be very hard for you to move on then.

That said, it must be very painful having to work near him every day but think he does seem to be moving on. I know from past experience it's almost impossible to be friends when one person didn't really want the relatonship to end. IME men usually say they want to stay friends as they hope that will keep us sweet and not be unhappy,miserable, angry, upset, crying,texting etc. They can move on in comfort and with no guilt if we stay 'friends' Bit cynical maybe just bad experiences on my part. If I knew then what I know now I'd play it totally differently and make a clean break for my self respect and sanity.

Butterf1y

I don't want to jump into a relationship with anyone right now I know that I need to take care of myself first in order to be able to have a healthy relationship with another moving forward. That being said I guess it's hard because of some of the advice that I've been getting from others. People have been telling me that I need to move on which Im aware of but also they say that if he's moved on and dating someone else than why can't I. But I know better than to move from one relationship to the next and to rely on someone else to fulfill me or complete me. I guess all I really want is to start getting out there (not dating) but going out with friends living my life. Getting back to feeling happy once again.

Dee74

hey Butterf1y

I think it would be a mistake to see this new relationship of his as true love...maybe he just needs someone around to pick up the pieces of his life and bail him out, like you used to do?

Move on and don't look back

D