Full of Rage and Resentment - Need Grounding
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Full of Rage and Resentment - Need Grounding
So in the past week I found out that my XH has been steadily dating a woman he met in AA. And for some reason, this just fills me with anger and resentment.
It isn't that I want to be with him - I really don't want to be with him. But why does that jacka$$ get to find someone who likes him and I can't? Geez, maybe if I wasn't taking care of his kids every waking moment that I'm not working I could go out and have a social life too. On his visitation nights, he goes to meetings (where of course, his girlfriend is) and then they go out, leaving his kids at his place on their computers, not really spending time with them.
Funny thing - just a few weeks ago he was asking me for a *wink wink* favor. When I asked him why he would do that if he was going out with this other girl his response was "Well, I know you are safe". Yep, safe - that's me. Being able to do nothing but work and come home sure does make ya safe. So its nice to know that my only attraction is that I am never surprising or daring. Just a nice, dependable place to take care of things so he can go out and get a life and I can just sacrifice mine on the altar of perfect responsibility and predictability and ho-humness for ever and ever, amen. But part of me is very upset because maybe he his moving on past me - like everyone seems to do - because he is getting healthier and I am just languishing in the same codependency issues that have been dogging me for 30 years. And that disappointment in myself is just making me cry.
And my car blew up with no prospect of getting it fixed so I am scrounging for rides to work and elsewhere - as if I didn't already feel about 3 inches tall.
This is all eating me up and I feel like I'm gonna go off on someone - probably some unsuspecting male who gets on my wrong side - and end up in a white jacket. Since all my managers at work are males, this would not be a good thing.
I am very Frantice, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional right now and just ranting/typing all over the place.
Help please!
It isn't that I want to be with him - I really don't want to be with him. But why does that jacka$$ get to find someone who likes him and I can't? Geez, maybe if I wasn't taking care of his kids every waking moment that I'm not working I could go out and have a social life too. On his visitation nights, he goes to meetings (where of course, his girlfriend is) and then they go out, leaving his kids at his place on their computers, not really spending time with them.
Funny thing - just a few weeks ago he was asking me for a *wink wink* favor. When I asked him why he would do that if he was going out with this other girl his response was "Well, I know you are safe". Yep, safe - that's me. Being able to do nothing but work and come home sure does make ya safe. So its nice to know that my only attraction is that I am never surprising or daring. Just a nice, dependable place to take care of things so he can go out and get a life and I can just sacrifice mine on the altar of perfect responsibility and predictability and ho-humness for ever and ever, amen. But part of me is very upset because maybe he his moving on past me - like everyone seems to do - because he is getting healthier and I am just languishing in the same codependency issues that have been dogging me for 30 years. And that disappointment in myself is just making me cry.
And my car blew up with no prospect of getting it fixed so I am scrounging for rides to work and elsewhere - as if I didn't already feel about 3 inches tall.
This is all eating me up and I feel like I'm gonna go off on someone - probably some unsuspecting male who gets on my wrong side - and end up in a white jacket. Since all my managers at work are males, this would not be a good thing.
I am very Frantice, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional right now and just ranting/typing all over the place.
Help please!
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Hey Purple, your decision to come on SR and rant was the right one. You express yourself so well I felt like I was you for a minute and I was furious on your behalf. I've been through stages of anger myself, but I came out the other side and you will too.
I don't know if this will help you but it did for me. Write down your feeling just like you did here. Then change your thinking and write it down another way - here's an example.
- "it's nice to know my only attraction is I'm never surprising or daring". Change that to:
new relationships are always like that but it doesn't last and soon his new woman will see the version of him that I got for years OR he was reaching out to me because he's not comfortable with his new woman, who know what goes on in private?
"I can sacrifice my life on the altar of predictability" - rephrase that as 'there is no substitute for doing the right thing, and I am the one with the strength of character to do it. This stage of my life won't last forever, but while it does I will build a strong foundation for myself and my children.' See how much better the truth sounds?
Make a list! Hope this is of some help; it was for me when I had lots of negative self-talk eating me up.
I don't know if this will help you but it did for me. Write down your feeling just like you did here. Then change your thinking and write it down another way - here's an example.
- "it's nice to know my only attraction is I'm never surprising or daring". Change that to:
new relationships are always like that but it doesn't last and soon his new woman will see the version of him that I got for years OR he was reaching out to me because he's not comfortable with his new woman, who know what goes on in private?
"I can sacrifice my life on the altar of predictability" - rephrase that as 'there is no substitute for doing the right thing, and I am the one with the strength of character to do it. This stage of my life won't last forever, but while it does I will build a strong foundation for myself and my children.' See how much better the truth sounds?
Make a list! Hope this is of some help; it was for me when I had lots of negative self-talk eating me up.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Originally Posted by PurpleDurple 
So its nice to know that my only attraction is that I am never surprising or daring. Just a nice, dependable place to take care of things
. . . because he is getting healthier
The douchebags crash. Hard. And it is ugly. They call it "Going Back Out." And the next time down the bottom is a WHOLE lot further down than the first time.
And he has an AA GF (btw, how many years in the program for either/each of them?). THAT is some real Risky Business for an already weak, sleazy douchebag A.
BE SO GLAD YOU ARE OUT OF THIS.
Help please!
Your list above . . . . that is one FINE 4th Step Resentment List. Outstanding. Get to work on this stuff. You really do not have time or want to waste your life fretting about a douchebag A do you? Get serious in the Program, and you will come launching out the back of this like a slingshot.
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Vent away, you have every right to have a bad day & bad attitude about things from time to time. It is HARD to toe the line as a responsible person & I know I struggle with that here & there no matter how hard I try to not let it get to me/keep the bigger picture in mind, etc.
Remember that appearances are just that - the surface... what you think you see with your Ex & his new GF sounds like it may be based around a lot of assumptions/emotions on your part and not facts, right?
I think the fact that he approached you in a "wink-wink" way speaks a lot louder about his true state of happiness, don't you? Most people who are in healthy & happy relationships don't go trolling through their "safe" list of ex's, right? How sad for the GF too - it wouldn't make me feel good at all to find something like that out about my boyfriend.
Hang in there Purple, I think I'll take your version of Happy & Healthy over theirs any day!
Remember that appearances are just that - the surface... what you think you see with your Ex & his new GF sounds like it may be based around a lot of assumptions/emotions on your part and not facts, right?
I think the fact that he approached you in a "wink-wink" way speaks a lot louder about his true state of happiness, don't you? Most people who are in healthy & happy relationships don't go trolling through their "safe" list of ex's, right? How sad for the GF too - it wouldn't make me feel good at all to find something like that out about my boyfriend.
Hang in there Purple, I think I'll take your version of Happy & Healthy over theirs any day!
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I came to the realization at work last night that what is really going on here is that he is splitting one relationship between 2 people. I get the controlling, the anger, the pity. I can only assume that she is getting the acquiescene, the reason, the respect. Sorry to sound crass, but it means one of us gets f'd and the other gets f'd with. Get it?
But in all embarrassing honesty, how he handles his relationships is none of my business. How I handle my own is all I have to worry about, and it is a big enough job without bringing other things into it. He and I are way too over involved in each other's business, and I have to set a boundary with myself and him to put and end to that.
Time to rehit my Melody Beattie books and do some work. It just gets so disheartening sometimes, ya know? I know that my extreme fear of intimacy is leading to my relationship problems. I get it. But its a vicious cycle - you are scared if you try but you are scared of the loneliness but you are scared to try....sigh. And letting him back in is easy and recovery is hard, so hard sometimes.
I hate thinking I haven't made a lick of progress in my personal life since I was 22. In many ways I am just like my NPD mom - lock into a mindset and then only put yourself in those situations that enforce it. With a strictly controlled environment one need never question the dysfunctional beliefs that rule your life. But as my sister said, "At least you see it - at least your not "swimming in de Nile (denial)." So I guess that is something.
It all just seems like such a big task. I feel sometimes like I am trying to dig the Grand Canyon with a teaspoon. I am praying today for my HP to send me some sign that I am worth working on. 'Cause when you are tired, stuck, emotional and jealous it just all seems too much to contemplate, not to mention work on.
But in all embarrassing honesty, how he handles his relationships is none of my business. How I handle my own is all I have to worry about, and it is a big enough job without bringing other things into it. He and I are way too over involved in each other's business, and I have to set a boundary with myself and him to put and end to that.
Time to rehit my Melody Beattie books and do some work. It just gets so disheartening sometimes, ya know? I know that my extreme fear of intimacy is leading to my relationship problems. I get it. But its a vicious cycle - you are scared if you try but you are scared of the loneliness but you are scared to try....sigh. And letting him back in is easy and recovery is hard, so hard sometimes.
I hate thinking I haven't made a lick of progress in my personal life since I was 22. In many ways I am just like my NPD mom - lock into a mindset and then only put yourself in those situations that enforce it. With a strictly controlled environment one need never question the dysfunctional beliefs that rule your life. But as my sister said, "At least you see it - at least your not "swimming in de Nile (denial)." So I guess that is something.
It all just seems like such a big task. I feel sometimes like I am trying to dig the Grand Canyon with a teaspoon. I am praying today for my HP to send me some sign that I am worth working on. 'Cause when you are tired, stuck, emotional and jealous it just all seems too much to contemplate, not to mention work on.
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Originally Posted by PurpleDurple
I hate thinking I haven't made a lick of progress in my personal life since I was 22. In many ways I am just like my NPD mom - lock into a mindset and then only put yourself in those situations that enforce it.
The first dating after a divorce is almost always traumatic for the other partner, even if they don't want to get back together. So give yourself permission to have normal emotions, even if they don't fit into your idea of what you 'should' be feeling. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or haven't made any progress. It's normal to mourn the death of a marriage.
As for comparing yourself to your mother, you're too self-aware to end up like her if you don't want to.
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Woah! You're doing a lot of negative thinking here. First off, just because he and his new gf are all lovey dovey it doesn't reflect on you at all. Most new relationships are high on new attraction, and his is no exception. The truth about new relationships is that they don't contain usually a bit of reality. It's all rose colored glasses while people play the wooing game. There's no baggage, no past, and more than not, no reality as to what life would be like long-term together. They could be all smiles for awhile and then they could end up having the worst blow out ever as soon as those new sex chemicals wear off. In fact, they could end up being each other's worst nightmare.
So don't internalize anything happening with him!
Definitely start drawing strong boundaries. Talk about the kids only. That he could even think he could ask for a little nookie sounds like he thinks you have weak boundaries. Sorry to say that, but it appears true. You might want to consider exuding an air of untouchable, and that "how dare you" eye glare should he try to suggest anything. He could use to view you as unapproachable and that he would face disdain if he tried. Ha! You? I don't think so buddy...never again...
That he's spending his night with his kids at a meeting and more than likely in order to see the new GF, while abandoning his kids, shows you just how far he HASN'T made progress.
He's still an out of control drunk without the alcohol. Chasing thrills while his kids sit alone and neglected. He really doesn't need to go to a meeting on that one night a week, but he chooses to in order to see her. Messed up priorities!
You are not your mom. Quit that already. You're your own person. Work on stopping those thought patterns. You are a great and powerful purple durple! Was your mom a purple durple? I doubt it!
What you really need is that car fixed. Maybe the ex can give you a little extra this month. Or somebody come through for you. I think it's causing you stress, and along with knowing he has a gf, you are internalizing all of it, thinking negatively about yourself.
You are not your car.
You are not your mother.
You are not going to let yourself be susceptible anymore to the requests for nookie. You will do what it takes so that he knows, that that request is never to be made.
You are not the cast off. You are the mother of those children and he should be grateful forever to you for bearing them.
That you haven't run off and found some man to play the attraction game with all high on woo hoo lovely chemicals doesn't say a single bad thing about yourself. Maybe you're waiting for a man with a grounded sense of reality, ya know?
No more negativity, ya hear?
So don't internalize anything happening with him!
Definitely start drawing strong boundaries. Talk about the kids only. That he could even think he could ask for a little nookie sounds like he thinks you have weak boundaries. Sorry to say that, but it appears true. You might want to consider exuding an air of untouchable, and that "how dare you" eye glare should he try to suggest anything. He could use to view you as unapproachable and that he would face disdain if he tried. Ha! You? I don't think so buddy...never again...
That he's spending his night with his kids at a meeting and more than likely in order to see the new GF, while abandoning his kids, shows you just how far he HASN'T made progress.
He's still an out of control drunk without the alcohol. Chasing thrills while his kids sit alone and neglected. He really doesn't need to go to a meeting on that one night a week, but he chooses to in order to see her. Messed up priorities!
You are not your mom. Quit that already. You're your own person. Work on stopping those thought patterns. You are a great and powerful purple durple! Was your mom a purple durple? I doubt it!
What you really need is that car fixed. Maybe the ex can give you a little extra this month. Or somebody come through for you. I think it's causing you stress, and along with knowing he has a gf, you are internalizing all of it, thinking negatively about yourself.
You are not your car.
You are not your mother.
You are not going to let yourself be susceptible anymore to the requests for nookie. You will do what it takes so that he knows, that that request is never to be made.
You are not the cast off. You are the mother of those children and he should be grateful forever to you for bearing them.
That you haven't run off and found some man to play the attraction game with all high on woo hoo lovely chemicals doesn't say a single bad thing about yourself. Maybe you're waiting for a man with a grounded sense of reality, ya know?
No more negativity, ya hear?
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Originally Posted by BlueSkies1
You are a great and powerful purple durple!
(Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...)
Are you old enough to remember the original "Wizard of Oz"? Does that scene w/the Great and Powerful Oz and the little man behind the curtain seem to apply in some ways here? (Hope that's not too obscure a reference.)
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Love the Wizard of Oz! The scarecrow, lion, tin man, and Dorothy all go searching for things they had all along but didn't know it and all from a wizard who turns out to be an ordinary little man behind a curtain! Purple, embrace your amazing inner qualities and shine! I let my XABF rob me of my self esteem for years. I found it once I detached. You will too! Peace and hugs to you!
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Thank you for all of your uplifting and encouraging messages.
What this whole situation is really highlighting is that I have really just been treading water as far as emotional recovery/maturity is concerned. I have been letting self-love and recovery slide for lots of reasons both real and imagined. But maybe me not having a car right now is my HP saying, "You needed some time to work on yourself? Well, now you have some!" No distracting myself with pointless trips to the secondhand store or the bookstore. I have my recovery books and some time on my hands - coincidence? I think not!
The HP has a way of doing what is right for me, even if I don't get it right away.
As you all have noted, I have a hard time being kind to myself. As anyone who was raised in a dysfunctional home will attest, we "judge ourselves without mercy" and live in a world of "polarized thinking". That is what my emotional self does even when my intellectual self knows better. I think a large part of my frustration with things is that I can't seem to get my emotions and my intellect moving in the same direction. I concentrated on my grades in high school and college to try and compensate for my emotional shortcomings and what was going on at home. Ask me a "know it" problem and I can solve it. Ask me a "feel it" problem and I'll be stuck for days
So, back to work on me again. Sigh - recovery is so hard sometimes.
What this whole situation is really highlighting is that I have really just been treading water as far as emotional recovery/maturity is concerned. I have been letting self-love and recovery slide for lots of reasons both real and imagined. But maybe me not having a car right now is my HP saying, "You needed some time to work on yourself? Well, now you have some!" No distracting myself with pointless trips to the secondhand store or the bookstore. I have my recovery books and some time on my hands - coincidence? I think not!
The HP has a way of doing what is right for me, even if I don't get it right away.As you all have noted, I have a hard time being kind to myself. As anyone who was raised in a dysfunctional home will attest, we "judge ourselves without mercy" and live in a world of "polarized thinking". That is what my emotional self does even when my intellectual self knows better. I think a large part of my frustration with things is that I can't seem to get my emotions and my intellect moving in the same direction. I concentrated on my grades in high school and college to try and compensate for my emotional shortcomings and what was going on at home. Ask me a "know it" problem and I can solve it. Ask me a "feel it" problem and I'll be stuck for days
So, back to work on me again. Sigh - recovery is so hard sometimes.
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PurpleDurple, your initial post made me angry too. To be used as an object to satisfy someone else's need is being a douche bag. Tell him yea come on over and when he gets there say, "Sorry I have a headache." Rootin for ya. 
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Originally Posted by PurpleDurple
So, back to work on me again. Sigh - recovery is so hard sometimes.
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Originally Posted by PurpleDurple
I came to the realization at work last night that what is really going on here is that he is splitting one relationship between 2 people. I get the controlling, the anger, the pity. I can only assume that she is getting the acquiescene, the reason, the respect.
Hang in there!
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I'm pretty much in an exact mirror place as you! Hugs from a sister Hence the middle of the night posting from me. Great.
All the same, me home caring for our daughter, him out whenever he wants dating others. I even overheard him telling a friend that he bought her 'a ride'. I'm thinking he's in the phase, 'oh, you need money, I can help you; oh some handyman stuff, i'm your guy'. ugh driving me crazy. I too know I don't want him, but am feeling all those same stupid feelings.
My counselor last month told me that I should go on a date myself, and I do think that would help me if for no other reason than to build my confidence.
And the almost-maybe-not irresistible pull for me to spy, spy, spy and find out all the gory details that I can. WHY!! I think that's a codie thing, I'm so used to that being my business, and even in a happy marriage, it's really not.
Again, peace to you in community even if I can't offer advise.
Hence the middle of the night posting from me. Great.All the same, me home caring for our daughter, him out whenever he wants dating others. I even overheard him telling a friend that he bought her 'a ride'. I'm thinking he's in the phase, 'oh, you need money, I can help you; oh some handyman stuff, i'm your guy'. ugh driving me crazy. I too know I don't want him, but am feeling all those same stupid feelings.
My counselor last month told me that I should go on a date myself, and I do think that would help me if for no other reason than to build my confidence.
And the almost-maybe-not irresistible pull for me to spy, spy, spy and find out all the gory details that I can. WHY!! I think that's a codie thing, I'm so used to that being my business, and even in a happy marriage, it's really not.
Again, peace to you in community even if I can't offer advise.
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I just read all the replies, if I could thank you all twice I would. And thank you PurpleDurple for the thread, really helped me.
I am going to take his truck keys out of my pajama pocket and put them back in his pocket and go have a cup of coffee and read a magazine. (was planning on a middle of the night finding evidence-for what I don't know- mission. ) So thanks again SR
I am going to take his truck keys out of my pajama pocket and put them back in his pocket and go have a cup of coffee and read a magazine. (was planning on a middle of the night finding evidence-for what I don't know- mission. ) So thanks again SR
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This thread has helped me in a lot of ways too. Thanks purple! It's amazing how much we all share in common. I used to spy on XABF too looking for what I still don't know! An explanation for how he was treating me? It was crazy and I'm glad to be in a better place emotionally now. I still can relate to everyone going through the craziness and know I was there and if not careful could find myself in the same boat. Hope you are feeling better today, purple!
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I'm not spying on him - I don't have the slightest idea what he is doing when the kids aren't with him. I learned from a past relationship that doing stuff like that will completely wreck your serenity.
First I get irritated (and then amused) at how far he will go to try and get my goat. For example, today our DS had to be picked up from an event away from his home school. DS mistakenly thought he would be skipping the event and so did not take his uniform with him. However, he called me from school and asked if I could get his uniform to him. With no car, I told him to call his dad and have him come and get his stuff - which he did, during the middle of the work day (so credit there). Also, the school took them there but wanted parents to pick them up. I also asked XH to bring him home after.
So after he picked up DS he called me. I said, "When are you bringing him by?" His response was "I'm taking him to work with me." Now, I don't have a problem with this as long as he asks, just in case DS has a playdate or chores or something. So I said, "I would appreciate being asked if that is possible...." He responded with "Hmph! I'm NOT asking! Some of us have to work, ya know." Like I don't work or something.
What a tool.
So I fumed for a little while....and then thought, "Well, that means DD and I get some time together!" So when she got home I ordered some Chines food for us to share and we played video games together.
He can get me down, but he just can't keep me there. Poor guy.
First I get irritated (and then amused) at how far he will go to try and get my goat. For example, today our DS had to be picked up from an event away from his home school. DS mistakenly thought he would be skipping the event and so did not take his uniform with him. However, he called me from school and asked if I could get his uniform to him. With no car, I told him to call his dad and have him come and get his stuff - which he did, during the middle of the work day (so credit there). Also, the school took them there but wanted parents to pick them up. I also asked XH to bring him home after.
So after he picked up DS he called me. I said, "When are you bringing him by?" His response was "I'm taking him to work with me." Now, I don't have a problem with this as long as he asks, just in case DS has a playdate or chores or something. So I said, "I would appreciate being asked if that is possible...." He responded with "Hmph! I'm NOT asking! Some of us have to work, ya know." Like I don't work or something.
What a tool.
So I fumed for a little while....and then thought, "Well, that means DD and I get some time together!" So when she got home I ordered some Chines food for us to share and we played video games together.
He can get me down, but he just can't keep me there. Poor guy.
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