agja99

Hello,

I am a first-time poster on this website, but I have been a member of AA for over 6 years. I had a solid 6 year term of sobriety until November 1st of 2013, where I decided that I would take a drink in order to alleviate some horrendous medical conditions associated with an adverse effect to a medication that I was taking. The adverse effect was to an antidepressant called Cymbalta (or better described as withdrawal effects - because this all started when I got off of it), and I was in utter hell (dramatic loss of memory, constant migraine headaches, vision problems, no emotions, derealization, numbness all over my face and legs). The point is, after enduring these side effects for 5 months, I could no longer see the point in staying sober and decided to have a drink of wine. Before this point I was going to meetings, and telling a select few people about my experience - but I couldn't really receive the normal amount of support that I had previously been able to garner. It was terrible, and I felt utterly trapped and brain damaged. Yet I was sober! WTF?

Since that drink of wine, I have engaged in social drinking on many occasions (usually limiting my consumption to 1-2 drinks). On one occasion I did drink a huge quantity of beer, and got out of hand, but managed to survive the situation because my girlfriend was watching out for me.

Long story short: I very very slowly got better from the cymbalta adverse reaction, and slowly regained my normal emotions, memory, and many of the other symptoms lessened to the point where I no longer felt constantly "sick".

Since I started drinking, I decided to continue to go to AA meetings, and just totally lie about not drinking. I was much less vocal at the meetings, and kept to myself much more, missing meetings, etc. I stayed in touch with my sponsor this entire time, but did not tell him anything about the drinking, because I was terribly ashamed of the whole thing, and couldn't bring myself to face the heat.

Ironically, the antidepressant medication has made me so incredibly sensitive to ANYTHING that I put in my body, that alcohol doesn't even make me feel good anymore - it actually makes me feel like crap and makes my symptoms much worse.

Overall, only 2 or 3 people have asked me about my situation - I'm guessing the rest think I'm really busy with school and have just been off because of that. I have told no one in AA that I quit drinking. Just my close friends outside of the program, my brother, and my therapists and doctors. For AA folks, I lie, and if I seem down and out - I just tell them that I've been depressed.

My life has slowly begun to totally fall apart, and although I'm not drinking a whole heck of a lot, I'm completely isolated and feeling horrible about myself.

My life has been so utterly altered by this entire experience, that I'm still not entirely sure what my future course of action should be, be AA, work or anything.

I really would like to go back to AA and get my old support system in place, because taking on this world alone is utterly impossible, unless I wish to function at an unacceptably low level.

I haven't called my sponsor in nearly a month, and I haven't been to a meeting in nearly 2 months. I have been sober now for 1 week. I still take some medication for my ADHD (adderall), as prescribed from the doctor. I ******* hate adderall, but I'm nearly 4 months before graduating and simply cannot function through the withdrawals.

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I figure I'd just throw this out there and see what sort of responses I would get. Do you think I should go back to AA despite not having much trouble controlling my drinking (admittedly, it's probably just a matter of time before the addiction gets worse - because I want to be drunk to relieve my anxiety and depression, but simply can't get the stuff to work in my messed up brain).

I really have no idea what to do. Most of my "support" has been through an online community dedicated to adverse reactions to antidepressants (called paxilprogress.org). When I talk about this to my sponsor, he doesn't believe that I'm actually as bad as I tell him.

Thanks for listening. Any support would be greatly appreciated.

CAPTAINZING2000

Why didn't you explain this to your dr .??

The dr. Works for you some people seem to get that confused.
Not going to meetings never seems to work to well for the people I've met in aa

Hearts

I think you should go back to AA and just lay it all on the table. I also think that you should find a second sponsor (can you have two in AA?) who has actually had problems with depression/ anti-depression because it sounds like your current sponsor does not. I don't mean ditch your current sponsor but I do think you need someone who understands what you're going through. Speaking of that, 'fessing up in AA could bring people who have been in your shoes out of the woodwork. No one is going to stop supporting you and if they do, screw them. It's supposed to be a support network. I've seen people who have fallen off the wagon on this website get plenty of cheering on to get right back up there and keep on with the sober life. Good luck. I'm sure you made many supportive friends in your six years of sobriety who will be supportive to your situation.

agja99

I explained everything to my doctors. The problem is that they don't believe me. It's like a huge medical conspiracy against anitdepressant medications causing this type of reaction - if I say my entire face is going numb, the doctor has the balls to say "you're just anxious". No *******, my face is going numb and I can't walk straight - it's an adverse reaction!

I have been to multiple doctors, none of which know much about this phenomenon. However, the medical literature does describe it in quite some detail, and I simply realized that Its my fault for trying to cure my depression and anxiety with a pill, and do not trust those bastards. They wanted to put me on benzodiazepines and/or mood stabilizers.

deeker

I think that the drinking is not good for you of course but what I really see here is that you are suffering from a guilty conscience and I think the sooner you come clean with AA, your sponsor etc. that you will immediately begin to feel like you are going in the right direction. A huge weight will be lifted.

It's true

matt4x4

Rigorous Honesty
Complete Honesty

Get rid of Ego
Be Selfless
Get rid of Resentments
Help others
Pray and Meditate

Internet has its place, but I believe it cant take the place of real, face-to-face relationships in recovery. Online is too anonymous, and you cant spot body language, or really tell how one is feeling inside, from bytes, text. I believe that when a person relapses, all is not lost. Must learn from it, get back up and go at it again. What you learned in those 6 years is not gone. But something has to change, otherwise the bottle is your best friend..................................AGAIN!!!!

Amajorityofone

Amen.

The sooner you get those bricks out of your "backpack", the better you're going to feel.

Jeni26

Hello agja and welcome to SR.

What a load you're carrying right now...it must be exhausting trying to keep up this pretence. Pretending to be someone you're not and lying to everyone is something I did for a very long time, and it leads to isolation which in turn feeds your addiction.

The first thing I would do is reach out. Ask to meet your sponsor and come clean. I think you will immediately start to feel better. He can then support you in taking the next steps and you can lose the guilt.

I'm sorry all this happened to you, but there is a solution which starts with some humility and honesty.

Keep posting, let us know how it goes

Treerat66

Hi agja99, Welcome to the forum.

Vandermast

hey there....

I busted after 7 years of sobriety.....took me a long time to sober up again....

the shame of abstinence violation hurts...but I sincerely do not beleive it is possible to save both face and ass at the same time....

you need to get honest and the rest will fall into place, for the cross you bear might end up on your tombstone......

we are here for you

v

FreeOwl

I think you should get back to AA and re-introduce.

Start back at step one.

Everything in your post seems to scream "my life has become unmanageable".

And this "that alcohol doesn't even make me feel good anymore - it actually makes me feel like crap and makes my symptoms much worse. "

Is the hallmark of that jumping off point where you can't live with it.... but can't live without it.

You're not 'there' yet.... but it sure sounds like you're on an autopilot cruise course to that dark bermuda triangle.

Johnston

I went back out after 19 years because I thought I could moderate. It worked for a while...you know the rest of the story. When I decided it was time to get sober again I went back and let my old home group know what I did. I was met with nothing other than support and acceptance. Now that I have over two years under my belt again I don't go to meetings nearly as often as in the beginning. But I'm so glad they were there early on, because it was very hard stopping the second time around.

I would personally go back, even if you are still on the fence.

oct11

Your only as sick as your secret. That being said, i would hope your sponsor is accepting and will help u through this! Relapse happens. It's what you do with it that matters! You can do it!