lostsadalone

Hi all. I am new here but have decided that it is time for me to find some help and support.

Just a little background on me. My Mother, Father, 2 Half Brothers, Uncle and Husband were/are alcoholics. One of my brothers and my uncle died from the disease due to their bodies shutting down, I held my uncle's hand as he drew his last breath. I have no contact with my father or other brother and my mother passed away as well. That is why I am here as I am very truly alone with all of this and my AH alcoholism/drug use.

I am quite sure I am codependent and have been my entire life. Alcoholism is all I have ever known but because of this history I never allowed myself to lose control and rarely drink now, maybe 3 times a year. I will be married to my AH for 14 years this Thursday and I adore him. Sober he is the most kind decent man I have ever met, intelligent and good to his core, even drinking he is more damaging to himself then me though I will admit the only time we argue terribly is when he is drinking as it makes him more disagreeable. About 4 weeks ago we had an awful fight, as usual he had been drinking and as usual he lied to me about it though I can smell it and know from all the years together what his signs are. I became so angry that I slammed a chair down and broke it, just so sick and tired of it all. Well this type of thing is totally out of my nature and I decided then that it was time for me to find help. I researched Al anon and while on their website read something that said something about a loved one becoming as addicted to the alcoholic and the alcoholic is to the alcohol. That really hit home for me.

Here is where my question comes in... I feel guilty that I am seeking help, I am afraid of what will come of it, will I decide to leave my AH and if I do what will happen to him as I am his only stability. I don't want anything to ever happen to him, I don't want him to run back to his mother and sister and into their crazy alcohol immersed life but he will do just that. Am i crazy for feeling guilty? Am I crazy for wanting to be better and thinking it will maybe help him? Am I crazy to believe that I can help him at all and that my support is what he needs? If I become healthy and begin LIVING life outside of these four walls (I am very reclusive now, not a single female friend I hang out with etc) will that adversely affect him? The thought of that makes me feel guilty too. I just don't know anything right now, very lost, sad and confused

You are probably thinking she has issues and I probably do but for listening.

Thinking

lostsadalone, you are so strong. I admire so much how you have decided that you need support and gone out to get it. It is a very healthy, good thing for you to start to consider your own health and mental wellbeing. You love your A but you are right that it is good for him to see the results of his choice to drink. Stay strong! Getting information and support is a good thing. Looking after yourself is a good thing. Finding friends is a good thing.

We aren't judging you. We have all been in similar positions. That's why we are here too.

CodeJob

Welcome! If you read just a bit here on SR you will be chuckling to see "issues" is what brings us all here. That said, your post above is quite well written and insightful. It is clear you are already on this journey of self. As you know, someone people are capable of detaching and continue to live with their qualifier, others simply must end or severely restrain their relationship. Though your gut may be telling you what to do, as long as you are physically safe, you can take some time to learn and figure some things out. Now you have an attic full of qualifiers! How could you not be Codie with all that going on? For me, the Laundry List for Adult Child of Alcoholics helped me see my reactions are a bit ingrained in me.

I think this link has some good material. If I fail, forgive me as I am up with insomnia and sometimes don't operate fully during the witching hour.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-helped.html

JustAGirl1971

Hi, lots. I did leave my AH after starting al-anon. But honestly, we were headed there anyway. Al-anon just helped me find the strength to do the right thing. I will say there are a number of men and women in my al-anon groups who are still with their alcoholics. In some cases, their As are in AA and are sober. Others are still drinking. The common thread is that all of the spouses feel better equipped to live with their As now that they have their own program.

Will it affect your relationship with your A if you find recovery for yourself? Yes, it will affect him. Anytime one person in a relationship changes, the relationship will change; however, none of us can tell you how it will change. It could be the catalyst that causes him to seek recovery himself. It could be the end of your marriage. Or, it could just be a more peaceful, happier way of living for both of you, in spite of his drinking. Regardless of the effect it has on him, you deserve serenity and happiness.

I can tell you what al-anon's done for me. It's helped me find peace in the midst of the chaos that is my life. It's given me new friends who understand what I'm going through and do not judge me for my faults and failures. Instead, they openly welcome me and listen to me. Most of all, al-anon's taught me what is/is not my responsibility. I no longer have to accept responsibility for other's failures or their feelings. I am only responsible for my self. That's huge for me. Like you, I grew up with an alcoholic parent and have exhibited codependent traits nearly since birth. Recovery is freeing me from those chains. I've found hope again. Of course, you can do all of these things without al-anon, too. There are many people here who've found recovery without al-anon.

If you haven't already, you may want to check out the stickies at the top of the page. Lots of great information there. I'm sorry you need us, lots, but I'm really glad you've found us

lostsadalone

I appreciate each you of and thank you from the bottom of my heart for the support you have offered a complete stranger. I have begun this journey of self and I am well aware that sometimes the hardest place to look is within oneself. I talk to my AH, he knows I adore him and I can only hope that my steps in this direction eventually have a positive influence on him and that he too will begin the journey into self.

I commend his resilience and strength because I don't honestly, personally, know anyone who would still be standing if they were faced with what my AH has had to deal with in his life. Not to say there aren't folks out there but I don't know them personally, let me be clear. I am well aware that we all have our demons to deal with, I highly doubt any one of us could claim to have no demons but he has been dealt some of the toughest I have ever seen. The coping mechanisms in his family are secrecy and alcohol. It is all he has ever known.

Fortunately he is not completely closed to therapy and had actually begun it, he went a few times but they were pushing for him to go into group sessions and he is a very long way from being able to openly discuss his issues with a group, an individual he doesn't know or trust is a huge stretch for him. A group is not gonna happen for a good while.

None the less, I support him 110%, there is too much good there to walk away at this point in time and with the support I have found here and hopefully at Al anon I know I will be successful. In turn I feel I will be a better woman for me and hope it helps me to better able to support and prod him through my actions and achievements. This journey is about me but if I can help him in the process whether directly or indirectly then that is all the better.

Again thanks good people and talk with you soon!

Hammer

It will be fine.

You will likely figure out a little ways into this -- You getting better is not about HIM. Just as HIM getting better (or not) is not about YOU.

But as they say in Alanon, if only YOU get better -- the house is 50% better. A big win, there.

So yeah, Go, Do, Get Well You. You may just be a good example to others . . . such as the A(s) in your life.

And you will likely also find that the folks who do not want to get better -- will not -- so they are right where they were. No Harm to Anyone.

So good job on YOU choosing to get better for YOU.

hopeful4

Hello and Welcome!

SR is a great starting point, you will find good good support here. I encourage you to go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery. I have spent so many years in the fears of what would happen next that I missed out on alot of happiness that I deserved just because I was mentally in a bad place. You deserve to find yourself and to find happiness no matter what the outcome may bring. Above all else, you deserve support from people who truly understand, and that is what you will find here and at Alanon.

I hope you have a peaceful day, and again, Welcome to SR!

lostsadalone

Drinking my morning coffee and sending thanks again your way.

I wanted to say something to Thinking... I was quite humbled when you called me strong, I read some of your posts last night when I got here and sister you have me beat with strength all day long, I want you to recognize that and grasp it. IMO strength is automatically embedded in all women as we are the nurturers and lovers which in many ways requires strength to do successfully. But you have an extra dose of it I believe and I want you to believe it as well. You too are making great strides to improve your life and I am happy to have had the opportunity to meet you as well as the others here.