Ex ABF keeps lying

Old 03-24-2014, 07:30 PM
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Ex ABF keeps lying

Hello,

My ex ABF for some reason won't stop lying to me. I don't know why he does since we r not together nor do we have a friendship. We only talk when it comes to our son. Honestly it just bothers me on how much he does it. I don't know what he gets out of it.

I just feel like he tries to play mind games.
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Old 03-24-2014, 07:32 PM
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Yup. It is manipulative mind games.
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Old 03-24-2014, 07:36 PM
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Do you have a visitation schedule set up? If not, you should put one together. If you have one, then there isn't much need to communicate with him, is there?
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Old 03-24-2014, 07:36 PM
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It's mind blogging. At times I want to call him out on it but I know it's pointless.
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Old 03-24-2014, 07:39 PM
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We have a schedule that he only sees our son twice a week on his days off which varies. Our court date is not until May. So I have to deal with him till then.
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Old 03-24-2014, 07:46 PM
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When Mrs. Hammer came back from Rehab, she "caught" a Lying Addiction. Ran almost a year. Just weird. The kids and I made God Box for it. Called 100 Lies in 100 Days (sort of a joke of the 90 meetings in 90 days, they are supposed to do).

Seemed at about one year back it dropped down. Other AA folks have told me they that happen to them also for about the first year. Mrs. Hammer will still Lie about the Lying (yeah, really ). So we do not tend to press it.

Do you think your X is trying to stop his addiction(s)? Stopping tends to make some (or most) go at least a little crazy.
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Old 03-24-2014, 11:53 PM
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Hi Hammer,

I don't know what he is trying to do. I know he still drinks and found out today he is no longer taking his medication.
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Old 03-25-2014, 12:31 AM
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Try to avoid being in situations where he can talk to you at all. Can he pick up/drop off your son from a family member or friend? If that's not possible then limit conversations to 'business' only - has your son had a meal/does he have a cut knee etc. Then his opportunities for lying to you are limited and you don't have to be irritated by him.
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Old 03-25-2014, 12:39 AM
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Maybe he is just a pathological liar.

Maybe you are "seeing" it more now that he is your ex?
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Old 03-25-2014, 01:18 AM
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Christina,

You seem so lost it pains me. Why don't you write a list of the traits your perfect partner would have. From ideal looks to sense of humor to their moral code. Just write down a summary of your Mr. Perfect.

Now write all the disappointments you have had with your X. Do NOT split the addict self from his other self. They are stuck in the same body and you have no control over which part of him is 'winning'.

I imagine there is quite a mismatch in this comparison. So what are you getting out this relationship? Have you tried a therapist or Al Anon? Maybe some local face to face support might really help you and ground you. Do you have local family that are supportive? I hope so.

But let's go back to your Mr. Perfect list. Keep it. Pray about it. Might as well ask your God to help you grow and learn so you will be able to recognize a worthwhile partner when you are ready. Do your work with the faith things can get better.

Take what you want and leave the rest.
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Old 03-25-2014, 04:55 AM
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Yup I hear you!
Mine called me early this morning scared the crap thinking something bad happens. Just answered didn't check. His ring tone before I banned him was something like a liar is calling a liar is calling. It helped me remember when I spoke to him it would be all lies.
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Old 03-25-2014, 05:17 AM
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Originally Posted by CodeJob View Post
Christina,

You seem so lost it pains me. Why don't you write a list of the traits your perfect partner would have. From ideal looks to sense of humor to their moral code. Just write down a summary of your Mr. Perfect.

Now write all the disappointments you have had with your X. Do NOT split the addict self from his other self. They are stuck in the same body and you have no control over which part of him is 'winning'.

I imagine there is quite a mismatch in this comparison. So what are you getting out this relationship? Have you tried a therapist or Al Anon? Maybe some local face to face support might really help you and ground you. Do you have local family that are supportive? I hope so.

But let's go back to your Mr. Perfect list. Keep it. Pray about it. Might as well ask your God to help you grow and learn so you will be able to recognize a worthwhile partner when you are ready. Do your work with the faith things can get better.

Take what you want and leave the rest.
someone here has been doing their homework, T-stuff, and such . . . .

Looks good on you.
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Old 03-25-2014, 05:23 AM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow View Post
Maybe he is just a pathological liar.

Maybe you are "seeing" it more now that he is your ex?
Lots on the intertoobs, most fairly decent . . . . just a sample . . . .

Mythomania: Compulsive Lying Disorder | Helping Psychology

Compulsive Lying Disorder

Mental Health Matters

For *ours* level of dealing, figured this one spoke fairly well to it all . . .

================

Compulsive Lying Disorder

Compulsive lying disorder is not actually a documented psychiatric disorder. Instead, it's a term used to describe what may be a symptom of another psychiatric disorder such as borderline personality disorder, narcissism or bipolar disorder. Not all people who are compulsive liars suffer from a psychiatric illness, but there is usually an underlying reason for the behavior.
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Old 03-25-2014, 05:26 AM
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That last one . . . chased back the directory a little.

Lotta good stuff.

Basically a "wiki" on Recovery and Addiction >>>


Addiction And Recovery | Drug And Alcohol Addiction and more...
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Old 03-25-2014, 05:58 AM
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What about switching to only text communication?

That way you'll have documentation of lies for court date?
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Old 03-25-2014, 06:52 AM
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I have switched to 95% texting and it has really helped me. And as suggested above, I save them all. My XAH is being fine for now, but I have no doubt it will turn ugly in short order. It would drive me nuts too, but you just have to do what you can to minimize how it affects you and your son.

Good Luck and God Bless!
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Old 03-25-2014, 08:13 AM
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I dated a guy for 7 years that was a pathological liar. It seemed like everything that he said was a lie...and I realized that most of it was due to a deep-rooted feeling of inferiority. Did it excuse the lying? Of course not! But if I could understand the "why" of it, I didn't get so angry about it.
After a while I realized that there really was no point in continuing a romantic relationship with this man...since I didn't believe most of what he told me anyway. I couldn't rely on what he was telling me to be the truth, so why bother even communicating? That's no way to live.
He has actually become one of my best friends because now I don't have any expectations where he's concerned. I know I can rely on him to be there for me if I need him to be - and without having any expectations of honesty in communications, we have a much better friendship than we ever had as a couple.
My XABF, on the other hand...lies HALF of the time. Figuring out which half was too much, so I began to just doubt everything. Again, not worth being in a relationship with someone that you can't trust. I can't rely on him to be there for me, so we don't have a friendship, either.

The way I see things is that lying goes against the whole purpose of communication. The truth may hurt, but at least it's respecting the other person enough to trust them with it.
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Old 03-25-2014, 08:34 AM
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And how would calling him out on his lying bullsh*t help you and your son?

He has shown you who he is, if he wants to spend his life lying and covering up his actions, so be it, best to leave him to his own devices, nothing healthy for you in this equation.

I agree with Hawkeye, communicate by text, texting lacks the emotion that phone calls often add to an already emotional situation.

AND when he texts something unrelated , or NOT about the child, you do not have to RESPOND.

There was a time that I had to be " right", a total waste of time and energy on my part, so what if I confirmed the XA was out drinking? It did not change one damn thing, he was still an alcoholic, doing what alcoholics do......

Be strong, don't get sucked in............
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Old 03-25-2014, 11:24 AM
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Fyi -

I was told texts don't hold up in court, but emails do.

Xah is a chronic liar. I get everything from him in writing. I don't talk to him at all.

Because more than anything, I detest being lied to.
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Old 03-25-2014, 01:00 PM
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Lyeing is part of the disease...most of all they lie to themselves...

D=dont
E=even
N=know
I=I
A=am
L=lyeing

Doesnt have anything to do with you..I would just always keep it in mind, when having to correspond. Just because you changed and left, doesnt mean he did!
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