EmmyG

So, I got the apartment : ) When I told my mom, she said “Oh, you did? Do you have to sign a lease? Oh. For how long? What if you want to move before the lease ends?” She totally burst my bubble. My sister said my mom is worried I’ll turn out like her sister (who is a drug addict by the way) – when she moved out and divorced her husband (in the 70s), he would come over all the time like he owned the place, sleep with her, and then go out and party. I know I’m not currently in the best situation, but PLEASE. My aunt was a neglectful mother and left her kids to be raised by my grandparents, she’s also been on drugs for about 40 years. Plus, I have a job, I make my own money, and I will work TWO jobs if I have to in order to support my boys. As long as AH doesn’t go off the rails too much (he always manages to keep a job), I’ll also have money from him. As much of a jerk as he is, he’s made sure to give me money since I’ve been gone to make sure the boys and I have anything we need. I know I can’t count on him because of his addiction, but that’s one thing he’s always been able to do, support us.

Anyway, I was really excited about this (still am), and I know I can do it. I’m 32! My sister said she knows my mother would prefer if I moved up the mountains where they live – but there are NO jobs there, and I’d have a dangerous commute daily. Plus my boys would have to leave their schools. I’m building a network here and my son is about to start AYSO soccer. I think if I CAN stay here, I should, and this is all part of my being strong and taking charge of my own life. Any thoughts?

hopeful4

I have lots of thoughts!

First one is SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!

Don't let your mom rain on your parade. People have all sorts of their own fears, you have enough going on to take on your mom's fears. I also think that commute would have been alot for your kids and yourself.

I am so excited for you! Fresh starts can be a wonderful thing!

XXX

honeypig

Emmy, it sounds to me as if you've thought things thru pretty thoroughly, and you're doing what YOU believe to be in the best interest of your kids and yourself. I think that's what is most important here.

It's too bad your mom can't share in your happiness and excitement to start fresh, but that doesn't mean you should let her burst your balloon. Remember, codependents let others affect their moods, and you're moving on past all that codie stuff day by day, right? Rejoice in your strength and freedom! And we here at SR will rejoice right along with you!

You're doing great.

AnvilheadII

sweetie, all she said was what IF you wanted to move.....she didn't say it was a horrible idea, or you are dumb for making this choice, only that a lease ties you in place for a while. SHAKE IT OFF SISTER! tell self doubt to take a chair, preferably in the other room!

your grandparents must be pretty wonderful people to raise such a wise savvy gal like you!

Thinking

So proud of you, Emmy! Of course you can manage in your new home.

Your mum is just afraid for you but don't let her worries spoil your pleasure in your achievement.

suki44883

Your mom loves you. She's a mom; of course she's going to worry. That's what moms do. I think she'll come around after she sees you settled and enjoying your new apartment. My mom is a lot like that, but I know it's because she worries...like a Mom.

Mountainmanbob

When it comes to signing a lease we need to remember a lot of responsibilities come along with that

I'm sure that you have thought about those and I wish you the best

MM

MissFixit

It's an apartment lease, not a contract with the devil for your first born. Keep it in perspective.

Hope4Life

You have the RIGHT attitude Emmy! You are going to be fine and doing the right thing for your children HAS to be your #1 priority, so keep it up.

I don't think signing a lease is a bad idea... as long as you are sure you want to live there it may, in fact, be the smart way to go. The rent is a stable amount and you are guaranteed a place to live for a set period of time. Relax and enjoy your new life by your rules!

Congratulations!

EmmyG

Yes, I know a lease is a big responsibility - but I have a steady job, I may be getting an even better one soon (if I get the one I interviewed for last week - they said there won't be a decision for 3 weeks). Because of my husband's antics, I've had to negotiate us out of 3 or 4 leases since we've been married. I think my mom just wants me to "come home." I would do that if I had to, but I'd love for my kids to stay put in school and I'd like to stay here. Plus, my parents aren't that far away.

lillamy

I think it's a good sign that you're signing a one-year lease -- it means you ARE committed to creating a life for yourself rather than hesitating about it. Your mom is just being a mom. Worrying is what we do best.

I think you're awesome. Just for the record.

suki44883

Sometimes parents have a hard time letting go, regardless of how old you are or even if you have your own kids. She'll come around in time once she sees that you are handling it and they still get to see you and the kids often.

CodeJob

When my H and I bought our house years ago, we were so proud to show it off to my parents. My dad wanted to know how we could afford it. My mom did not look too impressed. I think that moment crushed us. But my H and I realized that that was a pretty big sign that we were settling down 8 hours away from them.

About 5 years later my dad drove me to look at some property back home and my sister hopped in. As we drove up the drive I started to get this awful panicked feeling that he had bought this property for me to move back home. I was totally about to lose it. Thankfully my sister admitted she and her husband had bought it. I was so RELIEVED and grateful it was not mine! I think my utter joy it was not mine made my sister upset bc she prefers it when people are jealous of her possessions. Nah. She can live home. I took the geographic cure and though I miss family things, it was what I needed. I will not move back to my family - at least until my DS is through school.

Mellybug

I found my lease to be a "security blanket" to keep me from doing anything rash! Just to be on the safe side I also got a cat (my XABF hates cats). By signing a lease I have made a commitment to MYSELF for X amount of time to focus on JUST ME!
Yes, it's a responsibility...
My mom pressured me to BUY A HOUSE before I found this awesome little cozy apartment to call my own for a while. I don't want to buy a house! She went at me for WEEKS, sending me great "Rent to Own" properties and even subscribed me to a Rent To Own website using MY email address!!! She paid for the subscription, but now my inbox is being bombarded with these rent to own properties!
Mom's love us and want what THEY think is best for us...and sometimes we're lucky enough to agree with them. If we don't...that's OK, too. Keep doing what you feel is right for YOU to do...for you and your babies.
CONGRATS!!!
It's a lot of fun decorating a new place and getting it all set up the way YOU like it...

LightInside

You're doing great, Emmy! I just signed a year long lease in January! A year is a great amount of time for certain goals to be accomplished, for settling into new roles (such as single parenthood). You just managed to stay married to an A for years while raising two kids. A year long lease is EASY in comparison, especially since you're financially stable. I bet you'll do even better financially, since you won't have an A messing up your finances. I find that I am doing better, even though not much has changed in my income/spending balance.

A warning: As you know, A's can be unpredictable and often surprising in their choices and behaviors. My X was highly functional and really seemed to find some esteem in being able to give a lot of child support. (I almost felt like I was being paid off for my heartbreak). Then one month he says, "If you're expecting that much each month, you're going to be disappointed, because I'm not working all that overtime any more." He wasn't working that overtime when he decided to pay $1000/mo. in the very beginning either. I think you understand about taking care of yourself first so that anything he gives is "just gravy," as an experienced friend of mine said. I hear your self sufficiency in the things you say, but just be aware that they sometimes they back off and contribute less, which parallels the progression of the disease.

Fandy

Emmy, you are an ADULT, a responsible parent and a strong woman, not to be belittled and chastised like a child.

You are making adult decisions and have shown remarkable common sense. You left an abusive person, have emotional and financial support and will be coming into a good life with no garbage comments being thrown at you daily.

You have your eyes wide open now and I believe you will have a much brighter future with breathing space to grow.

and as MissFixit said, it's an apartment lease, nothing more. congrats to you, enjoy your sound decisions and new friends too.

Florence

It's an apartment lease, a lease on your new alcoholic-free life! Congratulations to you!

My mother makes deeply underhanded and insulting comments to me too. It's beyond her "worrying" and straight into "my mom has suffered from untreated anxiety for decades and I'm her favorite target for working that out" territory. She also likes to climb the walls with "worry" over whether or not my sisters and I are driving (at all) or out after dark (for any reason) up to whether or not we abuse our kids or abuse drugs. You should hear her freaking out about the prospect of me dating again -- SOME DAY. Ha, I'm not even close to that point yet, but don't let me stop the crazy train.

It's irrational, and while it's usually kind of benign, it's often unkind and can hurt my feelings and make me second-guess myself. Thus, I can't give her opinions and anxieties any weight when it comes to making decisions about my life.

I have a good relationship with her today -- but it's good because I learned HERE how not to take her -ish personally. She was this way before me -- just like with my STBXAH, her behavior and underhanded gossip is not about me. Detach, detach, detach.

EmmyG

Thanks, Florence. My mother is a super Negative Nancy. My sister and brother-in-law are buying a house (within their means), and my mother has been in my ear saying "Oooh, I don't know if they can handle it, maybe it's a bad idea," etc. I was so elated to hear about the apartment (because my credit has taken a hit due to AH's chaos, moving a lot, etc.), and I wanted to hear her sound happy for me and positive, but she just couldn't do that. I think she knows SHE could never have done it on her own. She's never had to support herself and she's super dependent in every way on my dad. I think she's just plain scared of me living alone with the kids. I live in one of the safest towns you could live in, and I am going to be very careful as always.

FireSprite

What a difference perspective makes... maybe in her world signing a lease is cause for alarm but in OUR world, well, this makes you a ROCK STAR. This is a huge, dynamic step toward independence that you are taking for you & your boys.



The evolution that you have been through in the last few weeks alone is staggering Emmy. You have nothing to regret - it sounds to me like SHE had some expectations around how you would proceed with YOUR life & those expectations aren't being met.... but that is really, really, REALLY NOT your problem.

PippiLngstockng

Go, Emmy!!!

Trust yourself.

My family and friends in the States have had plenty of advice for me. When I followed their advice I: a). Married xah; and b). Stayed with ah even after he was binge drinking and abusing me.

Now I follow my own advice, and I haven't solved all my problems yet, but I am doing pretty awesome all considering.

So will you. You already are!!!