Tantalus

I'm a stay at home, single mom of two three year olds (one is my bio daughter and the other is a relative's child I have raised as my daughter). I am very isolated with no family or friends. I get so stressed out. I'm so angry that when I drink I text angry hateful things to the father of my child. I am so ashamed.

Five months ago he asked me to move from a different state back to him so we could be a family. I moved back and then he decided he didn't want to be with me..wanted to stay with his girlfriend. He said he lied just to get his child back near him. To move here I gave up my business as a counselor. I gave up my friends and support system. I gave up my financial security. I have been drinking a lot to manage the stress and lonliness. I don't want to be angry and scared any more. I don't want to be an ugly person when I drink. I don't trust people any more...least of all myself. I keep trying to quit but I make it a day....the wine aisle at the grocery store is stronger than me. I find diminished joy in being with my kids all day everyday...rarely have a break. The father of my child texts me back that I am an evil person. I think I am too. Thanks.

kiki1988

You don't seem evil, you seem lost.

It sounds like your ex-partner hasn't treated you very well so even though sending nasty texts probably isn't the wisest move, it's understandable - we have all done it.

You are raising a child that is not yours, that is a very selfless thing to do.

Thepatman

I will prey for you, this is such a difficult time for you.
But please remember that YOU can make the change and you cab have happiness.

Bless you, stay strong, don't let this or anyone win over you. Walk proud with you chin way up! We believe in you, keep posting your emotions!

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, tantalus.

I sincerely doubt that you are an evil person. Isolation, loneliness and lack of a support system, especially when combined with stress, can greatly skew our perspective on ourselves and life in general.

I am glad that you found SR.

Mountainmanbob

not a nice thing for the father of your children

to be saying to you or about you

not sure what his intentions could be

but

to possibly cause pain ??

MM

Coltybear

I know all too well how stressful that age is. I have a 2 and 4 year old. I also can relate to the wine in the grocery store! Does the wine section close before the rest of the store? I'm in Canada so it does here. I made it a habit to get groceries after 8, when my access to the wine was cut off.

KateL

Welcome. Of course you're not evil xxxxxxxxx

Hevyn

Tantalus - I'm so sorry for the sadness you're feeling right now. It's good you came here for some help & suggestions.

Drinking turned me into a very strange person - nothing like the real me. You'll feel so much better if you give yourself chance to look at the world through sober eyes. Nothing is gained by being numb & foggy. Heavy drinking will steal our soul. The misery doesn't have to continue. You can stop and have a whole new attitude. Glad you are here.

Dee74

Hi Tantalus

I don;t think you're evil either. You'll find a lot of support here.
If where you are is not what you want could you move back to where you came from?

D

least

I'm sorry you gave up so much for a 'promise' and that it was broken.

I hope the awesome support here can help you stop drinking for good.

Dollyangel17

You are not evil, you are lashing out in perhaps not the best manner, but because of some very real pain. Evil is when someone intentionally hurts someone, and feels no remorse from it.

You clearly feel bad after about your behavior. On the other hand, he not only intentionally screwed you over, he seemed to want to make sure you knew it was no accident on his part, and wanted to add that pain as well....now THAT seems like a truly mean spirited individual!

The texting is not a good idea for sure, but you are NOT evil. You just need a support system. Is there anyway you could move back?

BrendonM

If saying mean things when you were drunk was evil I'd be mecha-hitler at this point. My girlfriend too. We take turns getting drunk and saying unpleasant things, mainly based on anger from the past. When you drink your inhibitions go down and suppressed anger from the past comes up. We both do it to each other, it isn't nice, but it doesn't make us evil.

DeterminedGirl

I agree with what Kiki said.. There's no way an evil person would raise a child that isn't theirs as their own. That's an extremely kind act!

least

You're not evil, you're under a lot of stress and in a strange place.

Ruby2

Everyone on here had great things to say. You are not evil. You need support in a place where you don't know people and it hasn't been easy to come by. Your daughters father sounds like a manipulative jerk. I have lashed out a lot at my husband when I've been hurt or scared. It is a reflexive action to pain that is hard to control when drinking. I think of it like this. I was once carrying my cat and accidentally shut her tail in the door. She gave me a darn good scratch, drawing blood. She didn't do it because she is a bad or evil cat. She was afraid and in pain so lashed out. I think that is true for you. Can you move back? Are there support groups for single mothers in your area? You have a lot going on in your life right now and reaching out here on SR is a good start. But sometimes you need people who are physically present too. Hugs.