newman23

So, I threw away 24 days yesterday......all because I had this "GREAT" idea that its been a while, my tolerance has probably lowered, and it'll be fine because, after all, no one will know. Why did I do it? Chasing the dragon, of course. Fantasizing about my early days of drinking. How it used to be fun. I've reached a point where drinking no longer is fun. I don't really feel a rush or euphoria anymore. I basically get dizzy, say/do things I greatly regret, and wake up feeling like absolute s*** the next morning. Waking up for work seems near impossible. This time was no different. It was VERY HARD to not finish the booze off from last night that I had. I actually can't believe I didn't give in.

I regret my decision terribly, and am very upset that I just flushed my clean time down the toilet. I wasn't going to tell my sponsor or my outpatient, but it will eat at me inside if I live a lie. So its either be eaten away by guilt and pretend it never happened, or feel the guilt and shame of having drank once again.

My question is, is there any way to maybe reduce or diminish the depression because I am back on day one? Don't get me wrong, my plan is to go full steam ahead and continue working on recovery, and I am extremely thankful I am sober today, but I feel like scum or a failure for what I've done. Any thoughts welcomed.

Thanks.

Dee74

I think time helps heal, and so does continued sobriety Newman

you screwed up, but you do have 24 days experience of being sober and noone can take away from you...

take the things you learned from those 24 days, and the lesson you learned from drinking again...formulate a plan...and then don't look back...move on

Maybe do something nice for someone, help out some folks here..you'll get to feeling a little less down on yourself...I bet you'll start to feel better in a day or two

D

badatbooze

I just did that myself. After the bummed out hangover day I started looking at it in a positive way. Like it was a lesson well learned and next time I mess up I know what to look forward to. I threw away 30 days now back on day 4 but it feels like the drunk never happened and I am more determined to stay sober now. It happened and ya can't change it so let it be a lesson to you.

deeker

Sometimes we need that final convincer. It happens and you are not alone.
But now you see very clearly how your own alcoholic thinking led you to the bottle. Think about how that slip happened. Usually it happens long before we pick up.

We might have a change in attitude, days earlier. Maybe we saw alcohol days earlier and the thoughts were seeping in, commercials, in a restaurant, at a friends house. Maybe we thought about what it would be like to drink again. Remembering only the good feelings not the bad stuff.

I relapsed after 2.5 yrs several years ago, but when I went back over the previous week or so I remember serving alcohol in a restaurant thinking I was safe cuz I had time under my belt. The ambiance of the restaurant, the dim lights, roses on tables, a couple kissing at a table with a carafe of wine, it started me fantasizing about the drink.

Romanticizing the drink.I started recalling only what I thought were the better days of drinking. I then told myself I could drink non alcoholic beer. That lasted about 7 or 8 days every night and then it was back to the real thing. And oblivion for 20 more years.

I guess what I am saying is that when I had those thoughts in the restaurant, that is when I should have stopped that thought, I should have told on myself. Called my sponsor and told her I was thinking these thoughts.

Just take what you can learn from this. Because that is what it is , a lesson.

It is the people who do not try to learn from what happened that will continue to drink. Sounds like you have a plan. Don't beat yourself up


This experience should serve you well in the future. In early in recovery we don't have very good ideas.

KateL

Just keep telling yourself the depression passes, because it does after a few days xxx

freethinking

It passes with time, trust me.

guskasb14

24 days, it took me about 6 relapses to reach that . Get back at it, easy does it.....and dont be so hard on yourself. Sometimes I just have to remind myself......im only human...

Keep at it!

SoberLeigh

Racking up new sober days should help do the trick, Newman. Those 24 sober days have been marked on your calendar in indelible ink; they are yours and cannot be taken from you.

Keep the Goal in sight; power on.

Anna

Learning patience is one of the hardest, yet most essential, parts of recovery. I wanted everything to be okay right now, and it doesn't happen like that. It will take time, but you will feel better.

Learn from this and move on.