prayer

Married for nearly 20 years. He was dry for 7 of them. A very "nice guy" with a "big heart" but that's not enough to keep a marriage together. His benders used to last for 3-4 days, now 3+ weeks. Just drinks and sleeps. He's completely incoherent, dehydrated and malnourished. Lost 30lbs in the last 3 weeks. I called the Dr and they recommended he come in but he refuses. He's worried they'll commit him.

He hasn't worked for years or contributed to the household financially. I am the only one that earns money in the home and we have a pre-teen son who I'm trying desperately to give a "normal" life to (get to school, sports activities, go out and have fun). It's more than not easy. I went from a 2 parent household to one overnight.

My biggest concern is my son's emotional well-being. Seeing his dad, his hero, in this condition day in and day out can't be good for him. He's just started Alateen but just once a week (I also attend Alanon). I can't leave my house. It's affordable and I pay for everything. None of my husband's family or friends will take him in and he refuses to get help or even see a Dr for his recent injuries.

I feel like I'm in limbo. I can't get him to leave or seek help and I can't leave. I try to detach but I can't help but worry that I'm not doing enough for my son. My son is so worried that I'll leave his Dad, too. He asks me regularly if I'm leaving which only complicates my thinking even more.

I find it very difficult to articulate my confused and jumbled thoughts, so thank you for your patience. I appreciate any thoughts or experiences others may have had in a similar situation.

Mango blast

I used to worry about bringing my husband in to the ER and then having him refuse to be seen, when injured and drunk. The last time I had to wait hours for him to sober up enough and resorted to manipulating him to get him in. That wound up in another life flight and a week stay in the trauma ward.

Months later, change came when I finally called for help for *myself* because I couldn't handle him any more. I finally turned it over to others who were experienced in these matters. What I found out later is I could have called the sheriff's office simply because I was worried about our situation and didn't know what to do with the drunk I was living with. That in itself wouldn't have been the whole answer, yet it would have been a start. Reaching out for help and turning my husband over to others to deal with was what was needed -- wherever that starts is a good place to turn to. There were many times we both tried in very inefficient and halfhearted ways.

The three C's: you didn't Cause this, you can't Control this, and you can't Cure it.

You're very correct about the emotional problems this brings to children of alcoholics. My husband is the Adult Child of an Alcoholic (his dad died in his 40's), we have adult children who are now showing signs of having been raised in an alcoholic household and a younger son that I finally was able to see the effects in his brothers and sister and have vowed this would be different this time. It's so very hard for us as codependents to reach out for help for ourselves, and to find people who are able to help, but they are there. To start reaching out, turning this over and continue to learn how to do this is vital for both you and your son.

marie1960

i would talk to an attorney and see what your legal rights and obligations are.

That is where I would start.

I too, am very concerned for you child. Kids do not have a choice, but we as adults certainly have a choice and duty to protect them.

Sending you tons of support.

prayer

Thank you for sharing and your PM. I was unable to reply directly since I am new and have less than 5 posts.

I am taking everything in and looking for strength and courage to carry out a plan. I admit, I pray the police will see him stumbling down the street on the way to the store and pick him up and save me the ugliness of calling them myself.

SeriousKarma

My situation was very similar and yet very different. Even if I was inclined to give advice I wouldn't know where to begin, but I know what you mean when you talk about your jumbled thoughts. My brain was filled with so much noise and confusion. It was only after I started meditating on the Serenity Prayer that I was able to gain a proper perspective, and take meaningful action.

Your husband is a sick man. He is every bit deserving of ours prayers, but you have to take care of yourself. That is the absolute, non-negotialble, number one, most important thing. I, like Keepinthefaith, eventually decided to "turn it over to others". I called my husband's military chain of command and had them remove him from the house. It was the first step toward a new life for my daughter and myself. It was hard, but I'm so glad I made that call.

I'm also glad you found Alanon and Alateen. This is impossible to go through alone. It was life changing for my daughter when she realized there were people "like her" out there.

My prayers for all three of you tonight.

Mango blast

(((prayer)))

Calling to ask for help is not ugly. It's only our altered view of things that make it seem so. Do you have a sponsor?

You can't save him, but by calling for help you can change things for yourself and your son. Right now you're both being held hostage by someone who is quite literally crazy (whether or not he is drinking). With your husband's current state, this seems to be a very urgent situation.

Strange enough that I didn't realize the life we were living was actually abusive. Why would I read the abusive stickies? That wasn't us. (or so I thought...) Yes, I understand the jumbled thoughts very well.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-abuse.html

sukosuko1

You are letting this man kill himself. and you have been paying for his drinks.

Its your responsibility to do something...take away all the money...stay at a relative..and refuse to see him if he's not sober. Several of my relatives have died or are dying because they were allowed to carry on this way and burn through the family savings.

Aeryn

I've been out for a total of almost two years now (a year plus living separately and 8 plus months in my own place).

The above part I quoted - that was tough for me - learning that no it was NOT ok for my XAH's family and friends to lay it all on me. And no I didn't have to take the responsibility just because "they" seemed to think so. Active A's are EXTREMELY resourceful. Once I finally told my XAH I was moving and did it he managed to pay his bills and rent on his own (I had thought he wouldn't be able to - he found a way). AND only six months after I left did he finally hit a bottom and find recovery on his own (he's my XRAH now)...however I didn't leave with that in mind I left to save myself and reclaim my life. And now that both he and I have clarity we see that relationship was never right to start with...

I don't know I just thought sharing that might be helpful - the thing is you have no control over what his family or he does and that includes feeling you have to stay there...you can let him go and give him the dignity to catch himself or not as he sees fit. It's hard though I know.

FeelingGreat

Hi prayer, welcome to SR. You've come to the right place.

Is there any way you can get your husband committed? It might be worth talking to say the Salvation Army, or a state mental health call line to see where you stand. If he's drinking uncontrollably, and becoming malnourished, he's going to need medical detox, and unfortunately for you, you'll have to be the driving force behind it as he's not capable. Don't let loyalty stop you, or your son's opinion. You're an adult and you're using your judgement to help your AH. You may be able to just call an ambulance.

I assume your husband gets money for drinking from you. It may not be wise to cut it off suddenly because of the dangers of unsupervised detox, but once you have that under control, please consider cutting off money to him. He gets to lie around for years, drinking himself into a stupor; why should you support his life style? Why would you make it possible?

Possibly the best solution would be to separate from him and let him go it alone. No-one has to take him in, he needs to fend for himself, and that may include homeless shelters. He currently has room and board, plus drinking money so where's the incentive to stop? You may have to be firm with your son. By all means explain everything to him, but he's too young to decide what's best; that's your role. If you can get your husband into a detox facility, he would then be capable of getting a job and looking after himself.

I know this must be awful for you, but please don't block off any possibilities in your mind until you've investigated fully. Do your research, go onto the internet for more information, and see if you can find professional help.

Thinking of you and sending best wishes to you and your son.

wanttobehealthy

My xAH had his father (an A) involuntarily committed years before he died by calling the ambulance and saying he was concerned about his health, couldn't get him to go to the doctor and the ambulance came, admitted him and my xAH got an involuntary commitment for I think it was a 48 hour period...

It sounds like the stress of just his physical condition on you and your son must be awful.

Perhaps call your local ER and ask what can be done?

AnvilheadII

if he doesn't work, how is he getting money for booze? that would be the FIRST thing i would shut down. secondly i'd see an attorney about my rights. it is unthinkable what your child is watching before his eyes....and absolutely nothing is being done to change the circumstances or stop it. normally we say don't intervene, but your husband is pretty far gone and is literally KILLING himself now. it has to stop. or he has to go somewhere else. preferably a medical facility.
we can enable people right into their graves.

lillamy

I too can relate to the jumbled thoughts. So here's where I would begin:

You don't have to fix everything today.

Just sit with that thought for a moment.
Because when thoughts are chasing each other through your head everything feels overwhelming and impossible. But if you can just convince yourself that right now, you're OK and then attack things one at a time, it gets less complicated.

I think like with alcoholism, codependency affects us in several ways: Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. For me, the practical "what do I do?" was less difficult than the emotional/spiritual "How can I do this and do I have the right to?"

It sounds like you're putting the practical first: You can't make him leave, and you have nowhere to go. Maybe that is a practical problem -- but maybe it is an emotional one? If a total stranger was living in your house, not contributing, and making your life miserable... would you feel you had the right to have him removed from your house? I know it's different, both emotionally and probably legally, when it's your spouse... but still. There are options; there are ways. When I left AXH, I could legally have stayed in the house (I chose not to). But how that works can vary.

So I like the idea of consulting a lawyer -- many do it free of charge -- just to find out what your options are.

That's a practical thing you can do.
Then the emotional part is -- IF there is a legal/practical way you can remove him from the house... are you able to do it emotionally? You do have the moral right to not be forced to live with an addict -- but are you able to emotionally deal with having him removed?

What I'm working up to is -- it sounds like you are concerned about your son (rightly so), but it also sounds like you are concerned about where your husband would end up (you say friends & family won't take him in) if you do manage to throw him out. Maybe that would be a place to begin? To explain to yourself that you are valuable and your life is valuable and that your husband, drunk or not, is an adult who should be able to take care of himself. That he's NOT your responsibility?

prayer

Thank you for all of the comments and well wishes. I'm taking in all that you are saying. I'm looking for a lawyer to talk to and starting to research options.

In answer to your concerns about money. Yes, I pay the bills but I remove the family debit card from his wallet as soon as I see a bender coming on. He has his own money as well from selling online and from the sale of a vehicle. The money was supposed to go into renovating the classic vehicle he has but it's not.

I make him out to sound like a horrible person but he's not. However, he's extremely sick both mentally and physically. I may need to commit him but I want to make sure my timing is right and that I'm doing the right thing. He's still able to walk to the store every day so there's some energy and motivation.

Aeryn's words were very powerful to me. When faced with nothing people do find a way. I will need to trust that he will find a way. My son will understand. He's just understandably worried and confused, too. I am taking it one day at a time and hoping I will still have tomorrow also.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

hopeful4

Try to get him to commit to a long term treatment program. That will be your best bet. Then it is his choice to put in the work or not. If you commit him it will only be for a couple of days until they stabalize him and they will send him right back and there you are again.

Do see an attorney. Do take good care of you and your son.

XXX

lillamy

Babe, if anyone understands, it's the people here. So many of us have been where you are -- we married someone and lived decent or even happy lives for years until the alcohol took over. Alcoholics aren't horrible people, like you say, they are people suffering from a horrible disease.

But there comes a point where, if they aren't ready to find help for themselves to save themselves, WE have to find help for OURselves to save ourselves. Or we all drown in their booze.

So don't feel bad about what you're saying about him. We get it.

prayer

If you are following this post I wanted to give a brief update. I was able to gently convince my husband to go to the ER. He went voluntarily but tried to convince me to leave several times (to say the least). However, they admitted him and he is now there getting the medical treatment he desperately needed.

I am now putting together my strategy for when he comes home. There are no inpatient programs available for him locally through our insurance. However, they do have an outpatient program. I'm currently looking into it so I know what my expectations should be if he goes.

Thank you for all of your support here. It's wonderfully amazing and inspirational to know how just a few words from others who understand can be so impactfull. Thank you.

Mango blast

prayer, thank you for the update. Would his insurance cover any inpatient programs at all? Don't rule out something further away. Whatever rehab, ask if they have a family program and what that consists of. You might also check with the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army - Adult Rehabilitation

How are you and your son doing? (((hugs))) and prayers...

prayer

keepingthefaith, I won't rule anything out. My mind is open. Having him out of the house right now is giving me the peace and time to really think. Although, 12 hours in the ER yesterday doesn't count toward that

Our insurance will only cover the detox and that's to the tune of $500/day. I'm not sure if we'd qualify for any financial assistance at an inpatient program or if they'd take him. He has a strong history of quitting for long periods of time on his own before relapsing. He'll go months with nothing then BAM, weeks on the wagon. So, when he's not drinking I'm always waiting for it to happen again. You just never know when. However, I will look into the possibility of an inpatient program because like I said, I'm not ruling anything out right now.

Thank you for asking about my son. He's doing well. He went to his Alateen meeting tonight. We talked about why Dad's in the hospital and his response was that he didn't know alcohol could do that to a person. But, he's glad his dad is there and getting the help he needs.

Mango blast

There are good and bad rehab programs in all price ranges. If your husband has a strong record of dry times maybe an outpatient program would be effective. Inpatient is pretty easy to qualify for in terms of how bad the addiction is. That part shouldn't be a problem.

Has he ever had a rehab program or counseling before?

prayer

No, he's never been to a formal program. He went to a handful of AA meetings about 12 years ago at the beginning of his 7 years of sobriety. However, he stopped going and said he didn't need it to not drink. He didn't but he also never "fixed" the reasons he drinks in the first place. He needs to do something different this time.

Those 7 years were wonderful then, but they've become a hindrance to his getting help now. He keeps pointing to how he quit for 7 years without any help so he can do it again. I'm over that excuse of course, but he still tries to use it with professionals or other people that suggest any type of program or counseling.