PinotNOmore

So it's been one week exactly from the date I was going to quit forever. That day I was so hungover from the night before that I "had a few" to feel better. Since then there have been 2 nights I have not drank and they were consecutive nights in the beginning of the week. Now I'm sitting here on a Sunday night, 3 drinks in and still feeling the sense of dread, panic, and fear that I have not felt since 2011 and my last real binge. The thing is though, this time I haven't been on a "binge" per-se... Just drinking at night and drinking more than I should. My body is obviously telling me something. This is not working. Alcohol is not effecting me the way it used to. It is terrifying. My once busy social calendar (especially during my 3 months sober) is on standstill because I'm terrified to be shaking, smelling of booze, or being just plain out of it.

This has all escalated within a single week.

I told my therapist all about everything. She recommended 90 in 90. A great thought, but I cant make that work because of multiple reasons. I had a long talk with my husband last night who is trying to be supportive, but has literally no clue how big this issue has become and also doesn't understand why will power is not enough. Woke up my visiting mother while in tears and basically begged for her to stay and babysit me the next week because "I just need a week of sobriety to get back to where I was" and all will be fine. But then I told her I was over reacting and she left this morning. I didn't want to worry her more.

Sooo, I am, (GOD WILLING) not going to drink tomorrow. Maybe I'll do 90 in 90 on here... Just post something every day and just stay sober one day at a time. Making long term goals seems to be sabotaging me.

I hope I'm not bringing anyone down. Just needed to talk!

Dee74

Hi Pinot

I really think you need to commit to some changes - if you have no time for your recovery then you're just going to be in an endless loop.

Nothing changes if nothing changes - I really believe that - so give this all you have - even if you have to move some things into second place....

D

Odelle

Pinot, one day at a time is exactly what I did. I changed my schedule so I wouldn't stop at the store on my way home from work, changed into PJs, and focused on not drinking, just for the day. The first week was hard as h*ll, but it is doable. Remind yourself that you are free to do anything you want but drink. One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time has gotten me to almost 3 months. The good news is that after the first few weeks it really does get easier.

PinotNOmore

I have time Dee, lots of time... but I've been trying to juggle some things around in my mind tonight, and getting to a meeting EVERY day would be nearly impossible. Sure I could do it, but it would get expensive. Current events in my life have done a number on me and I bet all of you are getting pretty sick of me. I am not making progress. I'd be sick of me too.

ScottFromWI

You've gotten a wealth of good advice from SR in the past, and now your therapist Pinot. At this point the only person who can make it happen is you. Perhaps you could commit to 1 meeting tomorrow instead if immediately dismissing the idea of 90 in 90. Then if you make 1 tomorrow, you can make another on Tuesday. Posting here daily would help too, that's been recommended to you several time in the past as well. Again, maybe just worry about posting today rather than every day in the future.

ontherightpath

Sorry to hear that you are struggling PNM. Its such a scary place. But I have to agree with Dee, you have to change some things. Start small. And appreciate your sober thoughts. Journal. Get to meetings if thats your thing. Be brutually honest with yourself. Alcohol robbed me of so much.

Mrrryah1

Thanks Pinot <3

Odelle

PinotNOmore, I first joined February 2013. I started strong and then slipped. The difference is I let that slip turn into a relapse, and it really does escalate quickly. Don't beat yourself up and let your AV convince you that you are not valued here, because you are. You have to really want sobriety more than anything to get through those first few weeks. We're here for you but you have to take the action. Plan ahead and grocery shop for a week so that you can avoid temptation and excuses, buckle down and get ready for a bumpy ride!

PinotNOmore

Thank you Odelle. Honestly, I truly believe my AV is pulling at my pant leg. I don't post regularly because I HATE being a downer and worse than that I hate being weak! I wait until all hell breaks loose... or close too. I'm really a good person. I am.

ScottFromWI

Post away, we can take it! This is about you getting sober, not winning a popularity contest. And we've all been there...so let us know what we can do to help

GreenEggsAndHam

You'd be amazed at all the things that I said I couldn't do or wasn't willing to do that I'm doing now to stay sober. I wanted to just quit and not be inconvenienced, but that didn't work so well (tried soooo many times). I know for me, change and doing things I don't really want to have been key.

Good luck and keep posting. We don't mind!

deeker

I know I spent more than an hour drinking each day. I should be able to get to a meeting 1 hr a day.

You want to break this cycle ? This will do it. Expensive? Drinking is expensive. The damage done by our drinking is expensive.

90 in 90 Why do you think it is so often suggested?

Probably cuz it works.

I did it. My husband did it.

Most people I know in AA and NA who have long term sobriety took suggestions. They went to 90 in 90.

I have been in and out of AA and NA for 30 years. When I finally started taking suggestions and quit making my own plans my life changed.

What lengths are you willing to go to?

MythOfSisyphus

That's what we're here for! Every time you feel like a drink, post here instead. Post a thousand times if you need to. Just look at the post count of your fellow SR'ers! There are probably millions of posts here. Many are like yours.

I've followed your posts almost from the beginning of my time on SR; if you look you'll see you've been here almost as long as I have. Why have I succeeded where you have struggled? Honestly I don't know. I was at least as big a drunk as you, and probably bigger. It was nothing for me to drink three bottles of wine a night, or a case of beer if I didn't have wine. I could polish off a fifth of liquor without much trouble or maybe a whole liter if I was really "on a tear". Maybe it's just lucky that I have stopped but I think it has more to do with my regular visits to SR.

Don't be a stranger, and never think your posts are unwelcome. This place exists so we can support each other and share our strength!

FreeOwl

If 90 in 90 won't work how about 60 in 90?

Expensive? Well the money you save on booze will offset the expense more than you might realize.

Too many other things?

Is there anything on that list that is a higher priority than YOUR LIFE?

Because, frankly, that's what this is really about.

Nothing changes if nothing changes is absolutely right.

In your words I see a clear call for change.... I'm not sure you are seeing it clearly yourself just yet.

Please consider making meetings part of your change. Keep coming here too. You can do this, but you have to commit.

afloatsober

Half measures availed me nothing. I finally had to admit that i no longer had ANY control over my drinking or the consequences that would follow. That being accepted, my recovery has needed to be full on. No more reservations, justifications, or pity pot sessions.
If i was to sustain sobriety then nothing less that my total commitment would suffice. Today, tomorrow and thereafter.
For me this became a life or death decision.
And the rewards..... limitless.
Or i'd still be drunk.
G

Notmyrealname

Internet AA meetings are available, just check the Google box.

Who can quit forever? Who can even fit "forever" in their head? The brain did not evolve to deal with things like "forever". If I tried to quit drinking for "forever" I'd never start on quitting, I'd be daunted by the immensity of the task.

Today, though, now that's a little more manageable. I was able to quit for "today" this one time, and just never started again. Maybe just too lazy to relapse, now.. falling off the wagon seems like a lot of work.

least

I hope you can make the changes necessary to stay sober for good.

freethinking

I like your screen name

I agree with Dee on if nothing changes, nothing changes - that being said, I think even three meetings a week would be a change, no?

People may disagree with me, but you don't have to jump into something 100% at first to begin a change. 90 in 90 isn't necessary to get sober. But try making some changes, and maybe that means just doing a few meetings a week for now.

Anna

Hi Pinot,

I agree with Dee that you need to make a change and to really commit to sobriety. I don't go to meetings, but I spend time every day working on my recovery. And, you said, it would be expensive to go to meetings frequently, but you could use the money you're spending on alcohol. And, if you're busy, let other things slide for awhile, until you feel more stable in recovery.

PinotNOmore

You all make excellent points. Physically, I feel okay this morning, just a little foggy and shaky. I swore I'd never be back to this point. However, emotionally I'm feeling defeated. My morale is shot, my self esteem crushed. I know making drastic changes is in order. Today, I'm headed to the gym to try and work this anxiety out. Tomorrow I will head to a meeting.