parnellatwood

Every single night, between 4:30 a.m. and 6:30 a.m., depending on how much I drank, I wake up. It's the end of my passed-out sleep and the beginning of my normal sleep. I wake up feeling terrible, with my heart racing, and I take maybe 45 minutes to get back to sleep. I spend that time, every night, telling myself that I'm done drinking. Then I wake up, at 9:30 a.m., and I am hungover and exhausted, and I say the same thing. Then that night, I drink.

I drink a minimum of a six pack of regular beer on week nights, a minimum of a twelve pack on Friday nights and Saturday nights. Saturday and Sunday mornings, until about 3 p.m., are spent throwing up and being miserable.

I spend something like $70 to $80 a week on alcohol.

When I drink it almost always lowers my self control and I end up engaging in a self-harming behavior I try very hard to avoid.

I live with my boyfriend, and he and I never spend time together anymore because I am always, always drinking or drunk if I am at home.

I feel like I have two full time jobs: My actual full time job, and drinking. There's not time for anything else. I've never felt like a worse person in my life than I have in the last year, as my drinking has progressed, because I let everything, everything slide because it's more important to drink and, also, what does everything going to hell matter if I can just drink?

Drinking is my primary coping mechanism. Bad or negative thoughts? It's okay, I'll drink later. Something goes wrong? Drink. Awkward conversation at work? I'll be drinking to that later. Have to do dishes? Drink. Not looking forward to a social event I have to do this weekend? Let's drink so as not to dread it.

I am tired all the time. I have let everything else in my life slide, even my friendships and hobbies.

This is all over the last three to four years, since I had a drink for the first time. That was in college, sophomore year. By junior year I was hiding those wine jugs around my dorm room and drinking wine from taco bell soft drink cups so my roommate would not be aware.

I want to stop, and have for a long time, because I CANT. I've gone to a couple of AA meetings, one about two years ago, another about a year ago, but I don't go back because I don't think I'm an alcoholic. There seem to be very specific criteria that you have to meet in order to be an alcoholic. Like, I am not generally a strong and decent person if it weren't for the drinking. I'm generally lazy and lacking in self control, and alcohol is just another of the things I can't stop doing that I wish I could stop.

But what I AM is a person with a problem with alcohol abuse that she can't solve on her own. So I thought I'd start with an online forum. See if that kind of support can keep me sober. I don't know. I'll try anything that I think has a glimmer of a chance of working. I just spent four hours periodically throwing up, and I am exhausted--I don't remember the last time I got a real night's sleep. I'm so done. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry if this post is not what it's supposed to be or something, or if I'm in the wrong place. I just, I googled forums for support in stopping alcohol abuse, and this came up, and I told myself I would post something today in hopes that it will keep me sober for today. Maybe. We'll see.

Taproot

Sounds like you are, as they say, "sick and tired of being sick and tired." I am new at this sobriety stuff myself, and a big motivator for me is all those nights of bad sleep…ugh.

I have found the people here at SR to be very supportive, and I hope you do too.

Anna

I found that, at the end of my drinking days (about 3 yrs), my life was very isolated. Like you, I had lost friends, given up hobbies and rarely did much but work and drink.

There is no criteria for being an alcoholic, other than alcohol making your life unmanageable. Anyways, the label is really not that important. If AA doesn't suit you, there are many other ways to stop drinking and you'll find quite a variety here at SR.

If you want to stop drinking and change your life, you're in the right place.

LBrain

hey pw, don't fret.
your post is EXACTLY what it's supposed to be. I'm curious though. You mentioned waking up in the middle of the night to start your 'normal' sleep. I sometimes would wake up in wet sheets from sweating. But I don't recall getting normal sleep for a long time. If I got 3 hours in a row it was a good sleep for me. I admire you being able to stop after a 12 pack on the weekends. If I passed out after a 12 pack on the weekends, I'd come alive again at 3:30 PM and drink another 12 pack - you light weight! Just kidding of course - not about drinking twice as much as you but that you were a lw. We all have our drop off points. I'm glad you understand. You are in the right place.

Welcome to SR. You will get much support here. Go to another meeting and ask for help there as well.

No-one can tell you that you are an alcoholic. You have to believe it yourself. And once you surrender to that fact (in your own mind) you can begin anew.

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, parnellatwood. You will find many supportive and understanding people here.

parnellatwood

I know I'm not as bad as I could be ... That's part of why I've never done anything to get help before. If other people have worse problems than me, do I even really have a problem? Am I being silly? Am I seeing a problem where there isn't one? I mean, I do something that makes my life worse in multiple ways, and I can't stop doing it. I'm not being silly in wanting help for that, am I?

I should probably have put a caveat on my post that I know I don't really drink that much, compared to some others.

Holli

I'm new at this, too, but I will tell you that if your experience is anything like mine, as early as early as two weeks in you are going to feel alot better.

Lance40

Welcome here and thanks for posting. In many ways I relate to your story, especially the drunk sleep, the racing heart, the insomnia, the hangover and exhaustion, the feelings of "never again" and then doing it all over again...and again...and again. So many mornings while stumbling through a shower to get ready for work in a hangover fog I would feel so trapped and helpless knowing that as much as I hated it all that it would probably happen again that night or the next night. The good news is that there is a way out, and if you hang around here you'll find some great support and people who will be there for you every step of the way.

Mags1

Hi parnellatwood, welcome to sr.

I didn't class myself as an alcoholic, god forbid, that title. I am a person whose drink was controlling me, if I want working I was usually drinking or thinking about my next drink.

I had all the excuses, good day, bad day, upset, happy, wind blowing in wrong direction, I told myself all these excuses for picking up a drink.

I'm a lot happier now that I am in control of my life and drink doesn't control me anymore. There is a life without alcohol. I'm witness to that along with a lot of people here at sr.

alphaomega

Oh how I hated that wake up call at 4:00 am.. ****{shudder}}}

Welcome to the family. Maybe my story can give you some solace.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...night-lot.html

Be well.

LBrain

parnallatwood - WHOA WHOA! WHOA!

I do apologize to you and everyone. You totally may have misinterpreted me.
I did not mean in any way to diminish what you may think is a problem or lack of one. Or that by not drinking as much as someone else you have less of a problem. I wish now that I did not post that. I see people now who drank much more than I did. Does that make my problem any less? Not in my book -or anyone else' book for that matter. I see people who drank much less than I who were at the end of their rope!

10 years ago I was a "normal" drinker so to speak. I was able to drink just a few a day, here and there and didn't drink hard liquor - except at parties. 5 years ago I drank more beer and subsidized it with the occasional shot here and there. But always, whether 5, 10 or however long ago, I was the last drunk standing. More recently I "graduated" to always a beer plus always a pull on the bottle. It came to the point of why bother to pour it into a glass when I'd be just be refilling the glass. Drink straight from the bottle, nothing to clean and no evidence to hide.

So please do not think that because you don't drink as much as the next guy you'll be okay. I cannot evaluate you. But from my own experience I saw in you myself not very long ago. And it was horrible for me. I was "getting by" on luck. I don't get invited to parties these days. In fact it's been a few years since I was welcome at a lot of functions.

But I honestly didn't think I had a drinking problem.

Treerat66

Welcome aboard parnellatwood.

least

It doesn't matter what you drink, or how much, or when. What matters is if it's disrupting your life, and it sounds like it really is. You don't have to hit "rock bottom" to stop drinking, you just have to be ready to stop digging that hole you're in.

IWillWin

4am. Alcoholic dawn. It is a pretty common issue for many. It was for me once I crossed that line from alcohol abuser to alcoholic drinking.

That wake up was so bad - the anxiety, heart racing, sweating, remorse guilt and shame.

Please keep posting and welcome!!!! You never have to feel this way again.

Tiptree

Hi parnellatwood - welcome to SR. Glad you are here. If you are drinking and want to stop but can't, it's a problem .....and unfortunately it's progressive. I hope you take the time to read through the posts on SR. You'll find many kindred spirits and realize that you don't have to fit a label before seeking help or admitting you have a problem. Accepting that you have a problem and seeking help is the first step. So again, glad you are here and hope you stick around awhile

enfinthechange

Hi there, it doesn't matter about the label, its how you feel, and you feel unhappy, so in you, in your heart, you have the strength to sort it out. It may not be easy, but you can do it.... only you can do it, no bag of excuse. If you want it, chase it with all you have.... then if you wake in the night, you can roll over, and go back to sleep!
Good luck, and use this forum to chat, it really helps, there is some great info, inspirational people and friendly help... no judgemental crap, just everyone moving in the same direction. x

parnellatwood

Ah, ok. I'm sorry I misinterpreted you. I just do worry about being ... I don't know, the only person ever to fret about drinking as much as I do, and anyone else in my position would soldier on. More than that, I worry that *having* that thought will keep me from being able to stop. But I know it's a silly thought.

Hevyn

Welcome parnell. You're among friends who understand what you're going through. We've all been there.

I once felt the way you do - but instead of taking action & quitting I kept insisting I could control the amounts I drank. Because that never worked, I found myself drinking all day - completely dependent on it. I'd wake up in the night & take a few sips to calm the shakes - that's how insane it can get. It is overtaking your life and it won't get any better. You are doing a great thing by reaching out for some help.

Mistical

You sound so much like me. At my worst I was sleeping a few hours a night then waking up by 5 or 6 with horrible anxiety, guilt, and puking my life away just to restart again that night after the hangover was gone! Your at the right place! There's several groups you can try out. I started counseling & got really involved in my church that is pretty much made up of recovering addicts. It doesn't matter how you label the alcohol abuse it's better to get help before your worse off then waiting until everything just completely falls apart! Your making the right first step! You can do this!

parnellatwood

I'm sorry to ask this if there is a more typical place to learn such a thing, but where are the best places in the forum to read to start out? Assume I have no idea about anything at all, that wouldnt be a bad assumption. Or who should I ask/where should I look?

Edited to add: Also, thank everyone for welcoming me! You guys have a great welcoming committee set up :p