jakec

4 months down the drain.

The drug hasn't worn off yet, but it will soon and I feel a panic attack coming. I can't handle this. I don't wan't to use anymore.

Nobody even knows yet and I can't even begin to describe the amount of guilt and shame that is torturing me.

mecanix

Hey Jake ,

You've recovered from here before , you can do it again , I've got faith in you .

4 months is a lot of green on the calendar , one red , Start back on with it , throw yourself into recovery strongly , get back on an even keel …

Once you got some sober space maybe look back and see if you can see the sign posts you went past this time so you can recognise the path and avoid it in the future .

I see no reason why you can't do 4 days 4 weeks 4 months or 4 years from here on .

keep on living and learning , m

zoey09

Been there done that, I know the feelings of shame, guilt and the panic attacks all too well let this post be a tool for you, read it the next time you're tempted to throw in the towel. You had 4 months of sobriety that's a great achievement - don't beat yourself up. The only way that time goes down the drain is if you continue to use. Learn something from it, take it easy on yourself. We are all human and make mistakes.

ScottFromWI

Start again now. It doesn't matter who knows, you do. And you know how to stop so simply do it.

Mistical

Your four months is not down the drain! You worked hard & learned a lot! You made ONE mistake! You know how to get back on the right path so go & be more determined then ever! Your stronger then you think! I know you can do this!!

Anna

So, try to figure out what happened and why you decided to use drugs again. Use this as a learning experience so it doesn't have to happen again.

Longpasttime

You didn't throw anything away. You could have been using that whole time, its one thing i don't like about counting sober time. What matters is what happens NEXT.

LadyinBC

What set you off? It is important to figure this out and get a plan going again. Even though we don't like to think this, we set ourselves up for a relapse. I am by no means trying to sound mean, I did this to myself over and over again. Looking back I planned them without realizing it.

4 months is not down the drain, you did do it. Shame and guilt does nothing for you. This is your AV keeping you down. Don't let your AV win. You are stronger than that.

jakec

I know exactly what set me off - porn. For me, porn and speed go hand in hand, but I justified and rationalized that I could watch it without using, even though every time I watched it I got a craving for speed.

This is a good wake up call. This was bound to happen eventually the way I was watching porn and fantasizing about amphetamines.. For some reason I had this irrational idea in my head that since I had 4 months clean that I was invincible against relapse...HA wrong.

I went to a meeting this morning running on no sleep and told my sponsor what happened and I learned that if I even get the slightest idea that using would be a good idea, I NEED to call someone immediately. Yesterday I chose not to call anyone and try to handle it on my own. I tried ignoring the thoughts. For gods sake, I couldn't even enjoy listening to stairway to heaven at the show last night because I was hyperfocused and obsessed with the thought of using. My relapse started long before I actually picked up the drug.

Thank you everyone for your positive feedback. It really means a lot.

least

You know what to do now, so just do it!

Hevyn

Jake sometimes we need to get totally fed up with ourselves. I know I did. You've learned something valuable - this can be where the nightmare ends. You're back and wanting to rise above your slip - that's what counts.

Aellyce

Jake, is this related to that guy you spoke of in your other thread? I responded to that... Feel free to PM me if you would like and it feels more comfortable.

What you are experiencing is not unique at all. Addictions / obsessions are often linked if we get conditioned to experience them even "innocently", in recreational settings in the beginning. Especially what you are describing: substance abuse linked to a behavioral obsession. Please don't get stuck in beating up yourself and shame long. Like others said, the 4 months is absolutely not lost. Remember some of the things you've learned from i.

aasharon90

As long as "it" drugs or alcohol is not
in my home then, not only will I not
drink, but I have time to use many
of those tools provided to us in recovery
to my advantage to remain sober today.

Anything and Everything associated
with drinking had to be removed, gotten
rid of in order to learn to stay sober.

Since alcohol was removed, then the
only way to drink and get drunk would
be to ride and get it. By that time, I
had time to get to a meeting, call
someone, meet a sponsor.....
meaning, if I have time to drive there
for "it" then I have time to stay sober
which is a healthier way to live in
recovery.

neferkamichael

Jakec, ya made 4 months, so ya know you can do it. Still rootin for ya.