Kristen0408

It's gotta be time finally. My AH works out of town Sunday through Thursday and comes home when he feels like it on the weekends. This has been going on for a long time now. As said uh previous posts, there been 2 rehab trips (mandated by work), arrests, bar fights, DUIs, infidelity.
I just found out - through many lies, then telling the truth a day later that he has a "friend" - she happens to be a bar fly like him - but there's nothing going on, she has a boyfriend.
He says he has lots of friends where he works and lives all week - they all frequent the same bar and there's nothing wrong with hanging out with people who have "real problems" (DUI's etc) like he does.
He just has surgery on Friday for rotator cuff so needless to say he is at my mercy. I keep thinking about a passage I read that said that 'God wants you to have compassion for others and treat them not as they deserve to be treated, but as he would treat them'. I will help him but it is difficult.
I think I need to let him go - it's been years of mental abuse and me enabling and fixing. He's on a scary path and I need to get off this crazy train for my own sanity and for my kids.
Unfortunately, he has yet to hit his bottom. I have gone to a counselor for years, but just recently started going to alanon - 3 weeks ago. I know what I need to do - I need to let go and let God.
If loving him was enough, he would've been sober a long time ago.
He told me a couple says ago that I make it easy for him to drink because he knows I will take care of everything. Wow - that's a real eye opener. He says he likes drinking, he never would've gone to rehab if it wasn't forced, he can control it, he has stressors, an unhappy marriage, etc.
I guess I just need to mean what I say and say what I mean once and for all. This will be so hard. I do love him - but somewhere along the way, the man I married, the father of my children, my best friend disappeared. It kills me to think of him with someone else.
An alanon leader said at a meeting - once I got sober, none of my so called 'friends' ever called me. I found that a profound statement. Right now, these are the only people who will tolerate his behavior. He has alienated me, kids, family members, coworkers, etc.
This is such a sad and devastating disease.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Just looking for some support, advice, anything really. 😩

Jbellzz

Your situation sounds familiar yet, you've got a lot more invested than I do, did,.. still struggling with letting go. I've been with the same man for 6 years, a man who is an equal opportunity addict, his addiction crosses over to almost every facet of his life. Everytime he's cheated, lied, covered up what he was doing and came begging back, I forgave him and stayed. One might say I "enabled" him by staying... I guess their right. And much like you, I can't picture my life without him, and certainly can't picture him with anyone else. However, it's time to make you, me anyone in the same predicament a priority. I dont have kids so maybe it's easier for me to say "i need to do me" but after looking after and caring for my ex, I'm exhausted.... and along the way, I lost my sense of self.. I forgot what made me me, and for the past 6 years my life has been defined by being this man's girlfriend. We need to find ourselves again, what truly makes us whole. I know this is so much easier said than done, especially since I'm only 2 weeks post break-up, but hey, gotta start somewhere. Maybe with some words of encouragement this is the start we all need. Not the beginning of the end, but possibly the beginning of the beginning. Later when I have a few moments I will tell my story, my struggle, my saga and maybe others can identify, like I can with your story & maybe we can all help each other. Develop better coping mechanisms, strategies to move on, become healthy within our own selves, and once again find that inner peace and happiness that seems to have been lost on us the first time we took back a person who clearly never deserved our hearts in the first place.

Hammer

Some folks' version of God has God -- as far as dealing with the folks who will not Do Good -- booting them to Hell. Like God finally gets tired of their crap, too.

Maybe we can learn from that? Dunno.

For me, I sort of like the "Allah is Infinitely Merciful" view.

But I am not Allah, or God, or sometimes (many times) even a Do Good person.

Dunno. Maybe that last word should be "impossible?"

as in, "I will help him but it is impossible."

AA Big Book says only Recovering A's and God can help him.

Dunno, but pretty sure you (and us and I) cannot.

As far as THIS part . . .

You know what I found that is? The things I can change, I mean.

Me.

Raider

Run, don't walk, away. Take your kids and anything important to you. Or kick him out, and stay. You will never get any peace. Even if he cleans up, you will always worry, wonder, fret, hurt, ask are you using, go thru his crap looking for clues, check his cell phone, call his work....no peace for you or your kids.
Go, get out of his way, take care of you and your kids. Just go now.

lillamy

You sound like I felt a few years before I left.
You've done everything you can and nothing works. You've compromised with your boundaries to where you're losing yourself. And make no mistake, the children are affected by this disease.

CodeJob

Kristen,

I haven't read the Book of Job in a long while. But I remembered God & Satan are chatting (WTF?) and they are basically betting on Job's veracity of his piety. So God allows Satan to mess with Job. Job lectures God with some righteous indignation pointing out "hey McFly. You might be God but this might not be the way to get your people to follow you. The worship you are going to get might be fear based more than love of your amazing ness ...."

So when I signed up for SR I sort of felt put upon in my marriage - a bit like Job.

But 11 months into my own recovery I realize I picked exactly what I wanted - an emotionally withdrawn mate. I think I will draw him out and teach him emotional intelligence. Drunk or not, he's likely going to be emotionally withdrawn. Twenty years in and he is exactly what I thought I wanted. So now with this realization what am I supposed to do? It turns out I need to figure out my own self and role I played in this relationship. Turns out my motivations and actions aren't so pure in my marriage. In fact, I am more like Satan just messing with my H for the he-- of it.

So what do you get out of your relationship? When I detached in my marriage I could not get hurt. I had an excuse - his drinking. I did WHATEVER I wanted. I was playing out a role thinking I could save him and he chose alcohol over me. You bet I was ticked, but I still was afraid of not succeeding, issues of abandonment, etc. etc. So I wonder, did I ever love him or did I pity him and think I could tinker with his head and he would be just perfect! I adore perfection! I like everything neat and square! Then I would be on some pedestal - safe and beloved - but still protected behind my own little protective wall.

So yeah my RAH might be sober. His recovery might not ever be a total miracle, but he was broken from the get go. But I know I owe him a heck of an amends. I have messed with him like a science project - just bc I could.

So it is painful to throw open the hood and look at all the engine parts of your marriage - especially all this new technology and lingo of recovery and codependency. I am told my new car has over 30 computers! I have to get a book out to read the dash board it has so many warnings on the dash. But I played a role and I am by no means innocent in my marriage.

Bill W. Went to Carl Jung. Turns out Jung wrote an entire book on The Book of Job. So that is where I am heading next. Much like the Blues Brothers, I am on a mission from God.

Good luck to you. You do what you need to do for safety and peace of mind.

Kristen0408

Thanks all. I am just sick really. My mind is racing all day and night. I know what I need to do - but will I be able to really do it? I get so angry and frustrated. I know he will choose the alcohol Everytime and people who accept this insanity.

Jbellzz

Just keep yourself occupied (like we all haven't heard that before!) go get a mani/pedi... drop the kids off and go to the gym... Do things for u! your mind will slow down if you will it to.... not stop but at least slow it's roll.

I know how bad it sux feeling like your not a priority to the person who you've made a top priority for so long. Loving an addict who is not recovered or likes to believe they're doing "what they need to do" for they're "recovery" is so freaking taxing on the soul.
'
Just hang in there, you're not alone in your feelings of frustration, anger and helplessness.... Again.. hang in there!

SoloMio

Interesting. I can so relate to this. My AH drinks every day and is drunk by noon, unless I am traveling on business, and during those times, he stays sober.

When I asked him why that is, he says, "I feel like I have to keep things together, since you're not here. When you're here, I can let loose."

??? Doesn't it faze him that his drinking destroys our ability to communicate, to be intimate, to be a couple? So, because someone needs to feed the dog, he can hold it together. But when someone has to be there for the spouse, he can't do that.

I am not about to not pay the mortgage because he should contribute, so I frankly don't know the answer to this. I just wanted to say that I relate to it.

Hawkeye13

The saying around here is when it hurts more to stay than to leave you'll act on that.

Sounds like you're pretty darn close.

This cannot be good for your kids either and you have to make the best choice for them--your husband is an adult but acting like a child, as you said, relying on you
"to make it easy for him to drink" so nothing will change until you do.

I'm sorry for the difficult situation Kristen and wish all of you the best.

Jbellzz

" When an addict says to their loved one, when you are here.. I can stay sober...." or something to the effect of "when you__________, I can_________" It's such manipulation and their way of taking the ownness off of themselves. It's actually sad bc that's when we blame ourselves for "not being there" or "not being supportive enough" or even "not being "ENOUGH" for them to be sober or recovering. That's all BS! We are NOT to blame for their addiction, their mistakes, their faults and flaws. DONT THINK FOR A SECOND THAT WHAT THEY DO or DON"T DO HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU! I bet everyone who reads this knows in their heart of hearts that they have been the other person's ROCK in the relationship.. Through thick and thin.. I bet everyperson who has loved/dated/married an addict has put up with much more than any other person would EVER tolerate in a relationship. DO NOT LET THEIR MANIPULATIVE WAYS MAKE YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING ANYTHING WRONG OR SHOULD BE DOING ANYTHING DIFFERENTLY. The only thing you CAN do differently is to WALK AWAY. They have to realize that THEY are the problem.... YOU CAN"T FIX THEM! They need to fix themselves. The only one you can truly help right now is yourself!!!! and if children are involved, then help your children. You are the priority at this point in time.

CodeJob