Update: I left two weeks ago and trying to stay strong
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 23
Update: I left two weeks ago and trying to stay strong
Hey everyone! I just wanted to update you on my "Crossroads" post a few weeks ago. I've been trying to get my head together and FINALLY feel some piece of mind! So, after I posted about my nightmarish life I (stupidly) thought I needed to stick it out. It was the same ole crap, drunk weekend binges and nasty comments. That Friday when I got home he had already polished off an entire bottle and was in a drunken stupor. Mind you, he'd been home only an hour and a half and was obviously intent on gettin wasted fast. I get home and see him halfway hanging out his chair mumbling incoherently, I was so disgusted I left the house and went to my parents for the weekend.
On Monday after work I went back home, he'd started drinking (on a weekday so YES it's expanding beyond the weekend). I was so mad, but I tried to avoid him and just stay out of his way. Well, I'm going to do the dishes and he gets in my way ranting about what's wrong with me! I told him please just get out of my way and he gets mad tells me I'm a sl*t a** b**** and it's his house he can go where he wants. I try and brush past him (bad idea when it's a raging drunk) and he shoves me do hard to the ground I skin my knees and go flying into the living room. I jump up, grab my purse and run out the house.
Needless to say, I was crying, upset, hurt and honestly, just angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I stayed at my parents again that night and on Tuesday go by the house to tell him I'm filing for divorce. He's not drunk and so I thought I could have a sensible talk with him. Well, I tell him how he's hurt me, how I can't take this anymore... Do you know what this a-hole tells me?? He says that I was asking for it! That *I* was looking for a fight and it's not his fault I'm so small that I flew like that! WTF?!?! It all dawned on me that moment... there's no hope. This man does NOT love me and even if he thinks he does... this is NOT love. I walked out and haven't been back since.
I feel like the clouds have lifted and I've emerged from the fog. Everything that kept me there makes zero sense and I clearly see the insanity of what I was doing. He's just abusive, he's a wife beater and the alcohol only amplifies his horrible personality!
He's been texting with all the worries and excuses, blaming and psycho babble. I read them all! I remind myself over and over what my future looks like if I go back. I don't know who to accredit this to, but I read it here: when the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving, then it's to GO! It's exactly how I feel! I'm hurting, I'm heartbroken, angry and sad, but the misery and terror far outweigh this sadness.
I'm taking every day one hurdle at a time. Trying to stay strong and relying on my friends and family for support or a swift kick in the behind when I start to have doubts. I have a long road ahead, but for the first time in years I genuinely feel happy, ALIVE, and most importantly... Hopeful!
Thank you all! Your complete strangers, but you've given me strength and made me realize that I'm not alone. I spent so many years falling deeper and deeper into isolation, trying to fix the insanity. You all gave me that initial push to wake up to the reality of my situation. THANK U! ****{hugs}}}
On Monday after work I went back home, he'd started drinking (on a weekday so YES it's expanding beyond the weekend). I was so mad, but I tried to avoid him and just stay out of his way. Well, I'm going to do the dishes and he gets in my way ranting about what's wrong with me! I told him please just get out of my way and he gets mad tells me I'm a sl*t a** b**** and it's his house he can go where he wants. I try and brush past him (bad idea when it's a raging drunk) and he shoves me do hard to the ground I skin my knees and go flying into the living room. I jump up, grab my purse and run out the house.
Needless to say, I was crying, upset, hurt and honestly, just angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I stayed at my parents again that night and on Tuesday go by the house to tell him I'm filing for divorce. He's not drunk and so I thought I could have a sensible talk with him. Well, I tell him how he's hurt me, how I can't take this anymore... Do you know what this a-hole tells me?? He says that I was asking for it! That *I* was looking for a fight and it's not his fault I'm so small that I flew like that! WTF?!?! It all dawned on me that moment... there's no hope. This man does NOT love me and even if he thinks he does... this is NOT love. I walked out and haven't been back since.
I feel like the clouds have lifted and I've emerged from the fog. Everything that kept me there makes zero sense and I clearly see the insanity of what I was doing. He's just abusive, he's a wife beater and the alcohol only amplifies his horrible personality!
He's been texting with all the worries and excuses, blaming and psycho babble. I read them all! I remind myself over and over what my future looks like if I go back. I don't know who to accredit this to, but I read it here: when the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving, then it's to GO! It's exactly how I feel! I'm hurting, I'm heartbroken, angry and sad, but the misery and terror far outweigh this sadness.
I'm taking every day one hurdle at a time. Trying to stay strong and relying on my friends and family for support or a swift kick in the behind when I start to have doubts. I have a long road ahead, but for the first time in years I genuinely feel happy, ALIVE, and most importantly... Hopeful!
Thank you all! Your complete strangers, but you've given me strength and made me realize that I'm not alone. I spent so many years falling deeper and deeper into isolation, trying to fix the insanity. You all gave me that initial push to wake up to the reality of my situation. THANK U! ****{hugs}}}
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Welcome to the other side, SiRiDiPiTi 
I'm a few weeks ahead of you, and you're right. It is calmer, more peaceful, and a heck of a lot less stressful! There's sadness, too, especially after the adrenaline wears off. But, more and more, it's just a calm certainty that this is the right path.
I'm glad you're out. My best suggestion is to have as little contact as you can. My STBXAH & I exchange a few short texts/week, maybe an email. And, on a rare occasion, a brief telephone call. I try to avoid seeing each him as much as possible (since we do share children.)
Aside from that, just be careful and stay safe. Once they've crossed the line physically, it tends to happen again and frequently escalates. Especially since he seems to have no remorse. Lots of hugs!
I'm a few weeks ahead of you, and you're right. It is calmer, more peaceful, and a heck of a lot less stressful! There's sadness, too, especially after the adrenaline wears off. But, more and more, it's just a calm certainty that this is the right path.I'm glad you're out. My best suggestion is to have as little contact as you can. My STBXAH & I exchange a few short texts/week, maybe an email. And, on a rare occasion, a brief telephone call. I try to avoid seeing each him as much as possible (since we do share children.)
Aside from that, just be careful and stay safe. Once they've crossed the line physically, it tends to happen again and frequently escalates. Especially since he seems to have no remorse. Lots of hugs!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 153
Good for you for getting out! I am going on two months separated from AH and it is so much more peaceful. Of course it's not easy and I'm up and down emotionally but it's so much better than what I was living with. I agree that minimizing contact helps. I'm glad you have your parents for support. Take care of yourself. I have found the support here helps tremendously.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You are absolutely not alone! We just reach a breaking point. I reached mine at about just this time a week ago today. Very similar situation in ways. It's clicked and I am free! No turning back no matter how hard it gets.
God bless my friend, stay strong and keep marching forward!
XXX
God bless my friend, stay strong and keep marching forward!
XXX
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