wholelottarosie

I've thought a lot about this these past few weeks and am interested in what you guys have to say. Ive been 'free' 9 weeks now so no time at all really but I have worked a lot on my codependency. I have 3 kids, 22, 18 and 8 (not related to XABF) and dads have been absent in my kids, my own, my mothers lives. I kind of had a lightbulb moment...my 22 year old has got out of her 2nd abusive relationship and has a baby with the last ex who was a drug addict. He has been in prison etc amd is not allowed any contact with them at all. My 18 year old had a lovely bf for 3 years when her dad was around but after he met his new gf she saw less and less of him.. Her new bf is the total opposite and I can see codepency traits in their relationship. my relationship with abf lasted )on and off) a yr and a half. In that time he was my main focus and looking back I now feel like i let my kids down. I cannot blame him for that and take full responsibility...anyway my point is due to lack of males in our lives these red flags have been missed...i feel for example had my dad or any male influence been around when my ex turned up at the door abusive theres no way he would have let me go back to him. As a mum I dont carry the same male threat to these types and so the patterns keep on repeating...my kids arre being led by example as to what a relationship looks like.
My job now is to show them that we need to be ok alone, like an outfit and any guy we date should only ever be a handbag. handbags are nice but they arent essential. Take away the handbag and we still are ok. When we become the handbag and make them the outfit thats when things go downhill very rapidly.
It makes sense in my head0Ive strggled to explain what I mean.......

theuncertainty

Makes sense to me, Rosie. But a friend and I were talking about relationships in almost exactly the same way. She's been a single mom of 1 for over 22 years. She's had the occasional BF and has had no problem ending it when she found her needs weren't being met or (in one case) if the guy was cheating (as opposed to me who stuck with AXH for 16 years). She stated it rather like you did: It's kind of like a pretty handbag that I wanted to top off my outfit. The handbag isn't the focus of the outfit and the outfit is still complete without the bag. I WANTED to date the guy. I didn't NEED the guy. I could to just fine on my own.

I kind of like a section from an Alanis Morrissette song, Not the Doctor, "And I don't want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2" (Actually there are quite a few pieces of that song that I like.) The flip side of that is if you take 1 away from 2, there's still 1. I know that when I was untangling from AXH, I didn't feel like 1 any more. I felt like only part of a person; I'd lost a lot of myself somewhere along the line. I'm trying really hard to get to a point where, should I find a relationship again, I won't reduce myself down to a "1/2" again.

SeriousKarma

Well said!

Stung

I just wanted to comment on your comment about "lack of males" only because this is something that I heard ad nauseam from my mom when I was growing up because my own dad was out of the picture.

Being from a similar background, no father figure and a very codependent ACOA as a mom, the lack of male role models in my life isn't the reason for "monkey see, monkey do" and I've very much followed in my own mother's footsteps. The reason I've done like her is because of the examples that she set for me. She raised me in her image and SURPRISE, I have a lot of her negative tendencies as a result.

IMO, it's not "do as I say, not as I do" it's "I made mistakes but now I'm doing things differently and better. Please learn from my mistakes so you don't repeat them." At least that's what I'm hoping to do with my own kids. Meanwhile my mom has just isolated herself because no one can hurt you if you're alone, and she says that she's very content to be alone because it's way better than being in a dysfunctional relationship…which is the only kind of relationship she's ever known.

And I hope that doesn't come off harshly or mean or a-holey, I certainly don't intend it to be harsh but just a perspective from the other side. I've tried to communicate this same perspective to my own mom but it's fallen upon deaf ears. It's just that the "lack of male influence" stuff is just an excuse. It is what it is, ya know? If you know better now, then you can do better now and lead my example. My mom wants to hear none of that.