The "recovery card"........
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
The "recovery card"........
I am sharing from my own experience but I have also read the same story here over and over. So please hear my warning. Please don't believe your addict is different, please don't believe you are different. Addiction is far more powerful then any of us and our love.
Here is my story. I was naive and I was uneducated about addiction. I believed if my husband really loved me he would just stop and we would be "fine" again. I believed he was the only one with the "problem." That was the first lie I told my self. As I started to educate myself about addiction, my husband suddenly decided to get "clean." I was thrilled. My prayers had been answered or so I thought.
What I didn't realize, it wasn't going to be that easy, neither did he. Although, I honestly believe he was sincere at times, I had no idea how much of a grip his addiction had on him.
I watched him struggle through withdrawals, I saw him attend daily meetings, I saw him meet with his sponsor and I heard recovery talk. With each and every relapse, I vented here but mostly stayed loving and supportive in front of him. I foolishly walked on eggshells so I didn't say the wrong thing and cause him to use, never honestly admitting to myself I was just not that powerful.
He said everything I wanted to hear and I clung to every word and every promise. I was a great cheerleader, a great listener and great supporter.
Unknowingly, the game had changed. He had changed tactics to protect his addiction and I was still clueless. He still wanted his addiction and his marriage, in that order. I still wonder if I was just a "beard" so his addiction could thrive and stay alive.
The recovery card kept me hooked in. If he was "trying", I would stay supportive. It became our new dance. But what I was still learning, I wasn't applying. This was his battle, he had to need it, he had to fight for it with everything he had. Sadly, he just wasn't there yet.
His energies and time were really spent becoming more clever, more deceptive, and more manipulative all while saying he wanted recovery. A lot of my energies were wasted questioning...is he clean, is he using, is he lying.....the same old insanity.
I was cautioned.....get off the dance floor, get some distance, gain clarity......and I did some of this but his words, his smile, his charm lured me back everytime because I so desperately wanted to believe him. The real truth was I was afraid. I was afraid of the unknown, I was afraid of being alone, I was afraid of my solutions.
So I would like to caution you all and if helps just one person, then my experience was not a total waste.
If your addicted love one is saying I need you, I need your support. It's a lie. Their addiction needs you and your support to thrive. And it will with your help.
Watch out for the hooks, they kept me dancing and will you too, if you stay on the dance floor.
It helped me when I finally realized that ...if I wanted to quit smoking, quit caffeine, diet, exercise or make any positive changes....I had to want it for myself. I certainly did not need any support, in fact I would have resented some one telling me how to live my life and that's exactly what I did.
So I end this with a caution. Be very careful of the "recovery card." It's just one more huge mind f*** like everything else about addiction is.
Here is my story. I was naive and I was uneducated about addiction. I believed if my husband really loved me he would just stop and we would be "fine" again. I believed he was the only one with the "problem." That was the first lie I told my self. As I started to educate myself about addiction, my husband suddenly decided to get "clean." I was thrilled. My prayers had been answered or so I thought.
What I didn't realize, it wasn't going to be that easy, neither did he. Although, I honestly believe he was sincere at times, I had no idea how much of a grip his addiction had on him.
I watched him struggle through withdrawals, I saw him attend daily meetings, I saw him meet with his sponsor and I heard recovery talk. With each and every relapse, I vented here but mostly stayed loving and supportive in front of him. I foolishly walked on eggshells so I didn't say the wrong thing and cause him to use, never honestly admitting to myself I was just not that powerful.
He said everything I wanted to hear and I clung to every word and every promise. I was a great cheerleader, a great listener and great supporter.
Unknowingly, the game had changed. He had changed tactics to protect his addiction and I was still clueless. He still wanted his addiction and his marriage, in that order. I still wonder if I was just a "beard" so his addiction could thrive and stay alive.
The recovery card kept me hooked in. If he was "trying", I would stay supportive. It became our new dance. But what I was still learning, I wasn't applying. This was his battle, he had to need it, he had to fight for it with everything he had. Sadly, he just wasn't there yet.
His energies and time were really spent becoming more clever, more deceptive, and more manipulative all while saying he wanted recovery. A lot of my energies were wasted questioning...is he clean, is he using, is he lying.....the same old insanity.
I was cautioned.....get off the dance floor, get some distance, gain clarity......and I did some of this but his words, his smile, his charm lured me back everytime because I so desperately wanted to believe him. The real truth was I was afraid. I was afraid of the unknown, I was afraid of being alone, I was afraid of my solutions.
So I would like to caution you all and if helps just one person, then my experience was not a total waste.
If your addicted love one is saying I need you, I need your support. It's a lie. Their addiction needs you and your support to thrive. And it will with your help.
Watch out for the hooks, they kept me dancing and will you too, if you stay on the dance floor.
It helped me when I finally realized that ...if I wanted to quit smoking, quit caffeine, diet, exercise or make any positive changes....I had to want it for myself. I certainly did not need any support, in fact I would have resented some one telling me how to live my life and that's exactly what I did.
So I end this with a caution. Be very careful of the "recovery card." It's just one more huge mind f*** like everything else about addiction is.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Well said, LMN. This could also apply to me and my relationship with my addicted son. No matter how bad things got, no matter how crazy my world became, each time he played "the recovery card" I was there to make sure he had proper clothes to wear and some money for coffee and cigarettes.
With him, the recovery card was played when he was already in detox waiting for a rehab space to open...so his action matched his words.
Each time my hopes would rise that this time it would all be different...this time he would not relapse but find recovery for life and we would all live happily every after.
Each time he would regain my trust, be allowed to move home while he practiced his new found after-rehab recovery...and each time he would relapse and the dance continue...one-two steal...one-two lie...one-two hide my valuables...one-two hide my prescriptions and around and around we would go.
Don't get me wrong, many addicts DO recover and stay clean. But the thing is...I continued the dance hoping he was that person...and he was not.
What I learned was to find my own recovery and keep my balance...no matter how he was doing with his addiction or recovery.
I learned that the person who held "the recovery card" was the only one who could use it wisely or fold his hand.
Once my son's addiction became nothing to do with me, my life became better and my health improved significantly.
I love my son, using or clean, I love him. I just cannot live with him or be part of his life today, which seems to be his choice too and that's all okay.
Today I sit this dance out, the cards I hold are my own, and my life has once again become a beautiful place for me.
Thanks LMN, I need the reminder of the "recovery card" because whenever I see it, I know the deck is stacked.
Hugs
With him, the recovery card was played when he was already in detox waiting for a rehab space to open...so his action matched his words.
Each time my hopes would rise that this time it would all be different...this time he would not relapse but find recovery for life and we would all live happily every after.
Each time he would regain my trust, be allowed to move home while he practiced his new found after-rehab recovery...and each time he would relapse and the dance continue...one-two steal...one-two lie...one-two hide my valuables...one-two hide my prescriptions and around and around we would go.
Don't get me wrong, many addicts DO recover and stay clean. But the thing is...I continued the dance hoping he was that person...and he was not.
What I learned was to find my own recovery and keep my balance...no matter how he was doing with his addiction or recovery.
I learned that the person who held "the recovery card" was the only one who could use it wisely or fold his hand.
Once my son's addiction became nothing to do with me, my life became better and my health improved significantly.
I love my son, using or clean, I love him. I just cannot live with him or be part of his life today, which seems to be his choice too and that's all okay.
Today I sit this dance out, the cards I hold are my own, and my life has once again become a beautiful place for me.
Thanks LMN, I need the reminder of the "recovery card" because whenever I see it, I know the deck is stacked.
Hugs
Last edited by Ann; 03-21-2014 at 05:01 PM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's interesting, the part about THE HOOK, that thing that draws you in, hits you somewhere inside, some recognition, like the way the scent of cinnamon can call up a memory of Christmas.
i'm taking a writing course right now, and currently working on a non-fiction article. I sent my summary and plan to my instructor - im writing about our experience with a very powerful breed dog and her issues and how we weren't really prepared for it all, the things that went wrong, but also what went right...in the end. I started my story with us going to LOOK at puppies...and coming home with Della Rose the American Bulldog.
her comments were that the puppy intro was a great HOOK, I mean we are talking PUPPIES right,who can resist!
but my article was not about getting puppies, but instead about managing a difficult dog that attacked our other dog from time to time. so she suggested I change my lead, come up with a new HOOK. to fit the story. find another way to GRAB the reader..start with one of the "attack" events so the reader can relate and say, oh yeah that's my dog, or my sister's dog, or the dog that bit my dog.
addicts in active addiction can do this at will.....change the HOOK. knowing exactly what cues, what words, facial expressions, body posture to USE to reel us in. the ability to spin lies, cons, mistruths, promises.
it took me two weeks to figure out how to rewrite my story, to go thru it and find that new hook. and im not sure it's "hooky" enough yet. it takes an addict like two SECONDS to rewrite the script.
i'm taking a writing course right now, and currently working on a non-fiction article. I sent my summary and plan to my instructor - im writing about our experience with a very powerful breed dog and her issues and how we weren't really prepared for it all, the things that went wrong, but also what went right...in the end. I started my story with us going to LOOK at puppies...and coming home with Della Rose the American Bulldog.
her comments were that the puppy intro was a great HOOK, I mean we are talking PUPPIES right,who can resist!
but my article was not about getting puppies, but instead about managing a difficult dog that attacked our other dog from time to time. so she suggested I change my lead, come up with a new HOOK. to fit the story. find another way to GRAB the reader..start with one of the "attack" events so the reader can relate and say, oh yeah that's my dog, or my sister's dog, or the dog that bit my dog.
addicts in active addiction can do this at will.....change the HOOK. knowing exactly what cues, what words, facial expressions, body posture to USE to reel us in. the ability to spin lies, cons, mistruths, promises.
it took me two weeks to figure out how to rewrite my story, to go thru it and find that new hook. and im not sure it's "hooky" enough yet. it takes an addict like two SECONDS to rewrite the script.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Because we're in love. Whether it be our husbands, boyfriends or children, we love them. Sounds hokey, but it wouldn't work with a stranger or someone who didn't care about the addict. Our love and our willingness to believe, time after time, along with denial is what causes us to give them so many chances. That's just my own opinion, but it makes sense to me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
But how do they do it? Do they have a 6th sense?
My A told me, his family, and himself the recovery ********, too - truly believing it with whatever rational brain cells remained; unfortunately, the addicted cells kept winning out. I think "cunning" is the perfect word.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
I think also that many of us are truly afraid of having to change our entire life. Leaving a long-standing marriage or relationship is very scary. Sometimes it's easier to keep trying things so our lives aren't uprooted.
I think it's kind of on a parallel with the addict. They are afraid to admit to having a problem because then, they are expected to do something about it. Admitting it makes it real. No more denial. Again, just my opinion.
I think it's kind of on a parallel with the addict. They are afraid to admit to having a problem because then, they are expected to do something about it. Admitting it makes it real. No more denial. Again, just my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
yes, the Prime Directive
But how do they do it?
LMN, imagine that oxygen was not freely available, but instead you had to go procure it. you NEED 02 to survive longer than about the next ten minutes. what lengths would YOU go to get that oxygen? how hard would you fight? what lies would you willingly, eagerly tell?
But how do they do it?
LMN, imagine that oxygen was not freely available, but instead you had to go procure it. you NEED 02 to survive longer than about the next ten minutes. what lengths would YOU go to get that oxygen? how hard would you fight? what lies would you willingly, eagerly tell?
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I was once told by a RA and my husband confirmed it - it's not just the pill but also the thrill. The thrill of finding them, getting them, taking them and last but not least, the thrill of trying to get away with it. Sadly and unknowingly, I had become part of the "thrill" of addiction.
He decided not to go to detox because he couldn't smoke, so he is doing it by himself at his condo. He actually just called me whining about how sick he is. I tried my best to be compassionate and kind but I did let one little snarky but truthful comment in. I said "by now I would think you would have mastered it. " He just laughed and "you would think."
I know he was hoping I would offer to be there for him, but I just can't. In fact, I don't want to be. I kept the conversation short, he said I really do love you and I am very sorry and I said you will be in my prayers, good bye.
I felt a little shaky after the call but I regained my balance rather quickly. I am still not sure how to go no contact because of a few circumstances but I will figure it out eventually. I am so thankful for learning how to take care of me and stand in my own truth.
He decided not to go to detox because he couldn't smoke, so he is doing it by himself at his condo. He actually just called me whining about how sick he is. I tried my best to be compassionate and kind but I did let one little snarky but truthful comment in. I said "by now I would think you would have mastered it. " He just laughed and "you would think."
I know he was hoping I would offer to be there for him, but I just can't. In fact, I don't want to be. I kept the conversation short, he said I really do love you and I am very sorry and I said you will be in my prayers, good bye.
I felt a little shaky after the call but I regained my balance rather quickly. I am still not sure how to go no contact because of a few circumstances but I will figure it out eventually. I am so thankful for learning how to take care of me and stand in my own truth.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 5
I sit here with my two year old daughter.... we just finished watching Frozen, she is listening to the credits while I write.... her father is snoring on the mattress he laid next to the couch.... he is withdrawing from H..... he is shaking and sweating, but snoring currently...
He is going CT..... BUT, will this last? He said he wanted to quit.... does he just need a place to stay this weekend?
I suppose I will find out.....
All these posts make me highly doubt he is truly going to clean up put of the blue....
He is going CT..... BUT, will this last? He said he wanted to quit.... does he just need a place to stay this weekend?
I suppose I will find out.....
All these posts make me highly doubt he is truly going to clean up put of the blue....
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I think what helped me the most was getting a solid understanding of what happens to the brain when someone is in active addiction. When I learned how the brain is altered, how much of it happens at an unconscious level, how my husband came to view it as necessary for his ability to function, get up in the morning, go to the office… Then oddly enough I think about how many times I have made a New Years Resolution; something trivial compared to what he went through … how I would go into it with the best intentions, but within a few weeks, a couple months I couldn’t make it stick… it just helps me gain some perspective on the challenge he faced.
It also helps me to view addiction like other chronic illness; I know I cant cure cancer, emphysema or any of these serious life threatening illness… so addiction is no different. But I knew I could support him in his efforts, working with his doctors just like I would if he had another illness. For me the key was in finding balance, in staying true to myself…. Going into it I had no idea what the outcome would be for him; if he would leave rehab, relapse many times, need lots more treatment… but what I did know is that I had to be true to myself, support in the manner that was suggested by my husband’s doctors, my own therapist.. and in the end I felt like whatever happened .. if our marriage survived or didn’t… I would have no regrets.
I never really thought about a “relapse card” but I do know my husband tried to stop on his own several times; at least this is what he tells me. Once he even moved in with his friend from work to try to get clean… this I think was a drug induced irrational decision because his friend from work was his drug source… so that didn’t go too well… he got worse. Then he asked his parents if he could stay there, but his mom said no. Then he went to my parents… all of this went on without my knowledge… but they said yes. Im really thankful for that because it became the beginning of the end. No, my parents didn’t know what they were getting into. He never fully quit while he was there, but they let him stay to keep working on it… finally telling me… and then we were able to get him into inpatient where HE found recovery.. Next month he will have 2 years.
It also helps me to view addiction like other chronic illness; I know I cant cure cancer, emphysema or any of these serious life threatening illness… so addiction is no different. But I knew I could support him in his efforts, working with his doctors just like I would if he had another illness. For me the key was in finding balance, in staying true to myself…. Going into it I had no idea what the outcome would be for him; if he would leave rehab, relapse many times, need lots more treatment… but what I did know is that I had to be true to myself, support in the manner that was suggested by my husband’s doctors, my own therapist.. and in the end I felt like whatever happened .. if our marriage survived or didn’t… I would have no regrets.
I never really thought about a “relapse card” but I do know my husband tried to stop on his own several times; at least this is what he tells me. Once he even moved in with his friend from work to try to get clean… this I think was a drug induced irrational decision because his friend from work was his drug source… so that didn’t go too well… he got worse. Then he asked his parents if he could stay there, but his mom said no. Then he went to my parents… all of this went on without my knowledge… but they said yes. Im really thankful for that because it became the beginning of the end. No, my parents didn’t know what they were getting into. He never fully quit while he was there, but they let him stay to keep working on it… finally telling me… and then we were able to get him into inpatient where HE found recovery.. Next month he will have 2 years.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
My son is dangerous when he drinks so I had to kick him out. He broke the window on my front door and I had him arrested.
He had been staying with me for a few months. I let him and his family in against my better judgment because they said the kids were going to be homeless. I had kept my distance for several years before that. I really got sucked back in.
I really saw a desire in him to quit and helped him detox a few times. He finally wound up in the hospital and then off to treatment. I went to the family group every week for the last 2 months. The doctor there said he was doing good work.
I could tell he wasn't committed to treatment and talked to him about following the rules last week at group. His whole focus was on getting out and getting back to his girlfriend and son. He called me on Monday and told me they kicked him out of treatment and he is out there on the streets again. I think he was stealing food from the kitchen and selling it to the other patients.
My guess is that he was trying to get money so he could get a bus ticket to the state where his girlfriend is.
When he was here I was able to see him con other people for money and he even conned his lawyer to go to court for him without pay. I realized he was conning me in the same way. I know he wants to quit drinking, but he is not willing or able at this time to do what that will take. Maybe he will end up in treatment again somewhere, but that usually takes him years to do it again if he lives that long.
I'm setting my boundaries again. I don't regret trying again, but I've learned not to continue with the drama. This was his 3rd rehab. Addiction is really sad for all involved.
I know there are many who find recovery. Some of my dearest friends have years of recovery.
He had been staying with me for a few months. I let him and his family in against my better judgment because they said the kids were going to be homeless. I had kept my distance for several years before that. I really got sucked back in.
I really saw a desire in him to quit and helped him detox a few times. He finally wound up in the hospital and then off to treatment. I went to the family group every week for the last 2 months. The doctor there said he was doing good work.
I could tell he wasn't committed to treatment and talked to him about following the rules last week at group. His whole focus was on getting out and getting back to his girlfriend and son. He called me on Monday and told me they kicked him out of treatment and he is out there on the streets again. I think he was stealing food from the kitchen and selling it to the other patients.
My guess is that he was trying to get money so he could get a bus ticket to the state where his girlfriend is. When he was here I was able to see him con other people for money and he even conned his lawyer to go to court for him without pay. I realized he was conning me in the same way. I know he wants to quit drinking, but he is not willing or able at this time to do what that will take. Maybe he will end up in treatment again somewhere, but that usually takes him years to do it again if he lives that long.
I'm setting my boundaries again. I don't regret trying again, but I've learned not to continue with the drama. This was his 3rd rehab. Addiction is really sad for all involved.
I know there are many who find recovery. Some of my dearest friends have years of recovery.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Sorry to hear about your son. 
I, too, have several friends with years of recovery but not one "got it" their first attempt.
I think my husband wanted it at times too, I am not sure it was all a lie. But what I also think is when families members have had enough, or when things explode, many addicts who are still not really ready and will try to fake it to keep the status quo.
Also, I really don't believe they need our "help" because it is an inside job. By help, I mean....trying to manage their recoveries, as many of us have.
I, too, have several friends with years of recovery but not one "got it" their first attempt.
I think my husband wanted it at times too, I am not sure it was all a lie. But what I also think is when families members have had enough, or when things explode, many addicts who are still not really ready and will try to fake it to keep the status quo.
Also, I really don't believe they need our "help" because it is an inside job. By help, I mean....trying to manage their recoveries, as many of us have.
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