Feeling .. weird

Old 03-21-2014, 12:30 PM
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Feeling .. weird

I don't know maybe what i'm experiencing is normal... i havent boarded the crazy train, but im not really level either. I kind of just feel numb and everything seems too much, even the kids just coming in and hovering around me makes me want to scream at the moment.

I dont know what to do with myself.. so i'm not obsessing about what AH is doing/or not doing.. but now there just is a big void. Im trying to fill that void with meaningful things, but all i feel is disconnection and numbness.

I cant describe it... the whole world just feels unreal to me today, like i don't belong here.. it seems that with detaching from the addiction issues, i have completely detached from everything.. surely im not supposed to be doing that either @_@ im just one confused mess i think.. its almost better to feel that dread, panic and turmoil than this nothing. Im not looking forward to anything, i can only take life on a day to day basis cos who knows when im going to board that crazy train again. Im doing well in the not getting involved in AH's business but that now means that i dont have a clue what is going on with the addiction clinic, they are going to make all decisions and im going to have to live with whatever they decide.

I know im supposed to "work" and "focus" on me.. but there isnt all that much "me" to occupy much time and everything else just overwhelms me right now, i was going to go into town earlier, saw how busy the traffic was and just gave up cos i knew id get overloaded and have a meltdown. Im calm, but i dont even know what "happy" feels like anymore.. maybe this is my ptsd kicking in or it is a normal reaction to detaching?
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Old 03-21-2014, 01:13 PM
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It is hard... it can get better just keep going forward.
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Old 03-21-2014, 01:15 PM
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I remember feeling that way and still do from time to time. it is so easy to get "lost" in their addiction. what I mean is that we lose ourselves. there is so much drama and hype surrounding the addict, that once it is gone, our lives seem empty. for me, I remember trying to figure out what do I really like to do, what would make me happy at the moment, etc. and just sitting there, like an empty slate. nothing coming to mind.

not sure if that's how you feel, but wanted to let you know that it does get better. time helps us regain back our lost selves. we do have to put in the work though. I am still struggling a lot with that myself. being occupied with the kids so much and working does help, but I still don't fully feel "myself".

hang in there. it will pass. hugs and hope.

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Old 03-21-2014, 01:54 PM
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Cynical one has a great blog with a wealth of information.

I will find you an article about how our brain chemistry changes after being in a relationship with addict. Be right back!
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Old 03-21-2014, 02:22 PM
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I bumped it.
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Old 03-21-2014, 02:57 PM
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yeah just read it... looks like im going through full blown withdrawal at the moment then... i guess add all this to my cPTSD and im a ticking time bomb
Thank you for taking the time to dig that post out, i never would have thought that these situations caused "real" damage (obv the DV caused broken bones, cuts, bruises etc.) but i never thought in a million years that i could actually be suffering from brain damage .. weird
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Old 03-21-2014, 04:01 PM
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I remembered the first month when I started to detach. I felt numbness too. I just read. I kept reading. I was lucky that I had 3 weeks off that month. I read, & read, & read. I told myself I need to focus on myself, not him. everytime when I was worried about what he is doing or what would he going to do tonight after work. I went to pamper myself. I bought few nice things for myself, I went to have manicure, massage. CALLED & TALKED to couple of my friends (they know what I was going thru, so they won't found me annoying to call them anything of the day) I even went to have the xmas dinner at my friend's family, instead of with him & his family. It was very hard at the beginning, but time will help.
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Old 03-21-2014, 04:38 PM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow View Post
Cynical one has a great blog with a wealth of information.

I will find you an article about how our brain chemistry changes after being in a relationship with addict. Be right back!

Thank you so much for posting. Opiate addiction & The Brain Chemistry of Being a Loved One. I wish this was a sticky.
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Old 03-21-2014, 04:52 PM
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L0stH0pe... Thanks for posting today. Misery may love company, but don't they say the truth will set you free? Your post helped me to find the info that I needed to switch mental gears.

I do know that the human brain never ceases to process. If not actively directing our thoughts the brain will go in a loop in the same sector pretty much like a CD or tune library.
If we leave our brains in auto after contemplating the positive for at least 90 seconds it will loop looking for the same kind of positive references it has stored. I just forgot!
I hope this makes sense to more than just me.
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Old 03-22-2014, 06:33 AM
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i just seem to be running with a broken gearbox i think and im stuck in 2nd gear all the time..

i know (from reading here and the codie books) that it's "normal" to be like this, but i dont seem to find the tools to move on.. im stuck in this perpetual "i should be HAPPY" sort of thing, then start comparing, counting what i have and then get mad at myself for NOT being happy, though i dont even know what "happy" feels like anymore.. or if this neutral, disconnect is what other ppl call happy

argh im not even making sense to myself anymore.. but there is noone i can bounce any of this off on to get some sane feedback. and with that im back to "maybe i am insane" after all *sigh*
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Old 03-22-2014, 09:57 AM
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L0stH0pe, have you seen a Dr. about how you feel? Is there a 12 Step group near you that you can meet people face to face that are going through or have been through this.
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Old 03-22-2014, 10:24 AM
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ok ive picked myself up off the floor now FF... my gp told me "there's no more we can do for you" and ive been on the waiting list for psych as an urgent referral for 18 months now.. so no point going down that route.

cant afford private therapy .. thanks to AH having put us in huge debt, and there just not being that extra to spend on something as extravagant as that. AH at least is getting all the services he needs, weekly counselling sessions, drug testing, dr's, psychiatrist from the addiction center he attends..

we dont have NA Anon locally to me, but do have AL Anon, but they run a thursday evening when its our dinner time and i have noone to sit with the kids as we have no friends, plus i struggle with the "higher power" stuff... i mean really, really struggle because i dont believe in it at all ... and yes, ive looked at the "alternative" 12 steps as well and still there is that "higher power" thing creeping up. I read somewhere that i could use a doorknob as a higher power, ive asked our various doorknobs if they would take on the job, but so far nothing has been forthcoming from them @_@
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Old 03-22-2014, 10:30 AM
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I felt that same, at one point. It was like I was addicted to the addict. Withdrawals alright. I still have them when things trigger me.

I am not sure where you live but often call around to private therapist and ask for free referrals for therapy. They often know the resources in your community that they can refer to those that cannot afford.
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Old 03-22-2014, 11:09 AM
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im in the uk txhelp.. i went to a "free" therapy place and they took one look at me and rang the local psych team, telling them that i was beyond their capacity and that i needed help NOW, but with a national health system comes pitfalls as well, as resources have to be distributed and unfortunately in this area, there is a lot of drug use (hence AH is getting all the help HE needs and more) and mental illness, so you go on waiting lists.

Unless you are a danger to the public or your children, you just have to hang in there and tough it out.. ive asked for help so many times now, just to be told "wait for your letter" it gets disheartening and i even question if im really bad enough to warrant that kind of input. On my really bad days, i desperately need help.. on my not so bad days i can sort of help myself
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Old 03-22-2014, 07:13 PM
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I see Losthope....didn't realize where you were located....

There are some really good self help books, depending upon what you are looking for....Amazon.com has a variety. There are workbooks to be done at home as well. Sometimes, it can be helpful to learn about topics that are on your mind (addiction; self esteem; building confidence; starting over; etc). Self help doesn't mean that you have to take all of their advice or insight. However, use what is beneficial to you.
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Old 03-22-2014, 08:54 PM
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Your higher power can be whatever you want, even your doorknob.
I am trying to find ways to break down the roadblocks too, just
keep moving forward tiny steps. Like Mitchell says get info that will help you
understand what living with A does to your mental health and how to stop it.
I ain't there yet either, but am trying moment by moment.
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Old 03-22-2014, 08:55 PM
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Mitchell should be Txhelp. #!@# auto complete.
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Old 03-23-2014, 04:04 AM
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Hi girls.. it's always nice to wake up to some friendly messages and replies maybe theres my first gratitude for the day

Txhelp i am the master collector of all books "selfhelp".. beattie, tolle, tons of inner peace and mindfulness, how to beat your anxiety in 10/50/73 or 1001 different ways, beat your depression, tackle your eating disorder, how to look after yourself, chicken soup collections.. arrgghgh i think i have overloaded myself with them tbh and now dont know which one to pick and stick to.
Ive read the "codependent no more" and have the workbook.. but i find journaling hard, there is that shame about putting silly things on paper, then the worry someone might find and read it (yes, i could password a word document), i never really seem to be alone as such and i often have one of the kids or AH turn up silently behind me, so id be mortified if any of them read what i had to write... ummm i think im making excuses to not do anything.. cos im scared of myself i guess??
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Old 03-23-2014, 02:00 PM
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i dont want to keep making new posts.. so ill just add to this one.. i suppose it still goes along with the "feeling weird" anyway.

today, although staying off the crazy train (even though hes been out three times now saying he was going one place and actually coming back from a completely opposite direction, i told myself firmly "not MY business".. i can smell the weed but he says he hasnt got any, again NOT MY business) i'm still floundering. I seem to be rotating between totally disconnected and unreal, horrible feeling in "my stomach" complete with pounding heart and being sick to hopeless.

im really trying to focus on me and i can honestly see im a total mess.. but i have NO idea what to do about it.. i dont know where to even start. I know where this will end tonight if im not careful, so maybe putting something on here will refocus me.

My doorknob is as helpful as yesterday.. which is to say, he is staying silent and not really giving me much of clue of what i could/should be doing with myself. Maybe im just tired, ive not been sleeping great, waking up with horrible nightmares.. i have a feeling im way beyond "selfhelp" but dont know where to turn to.. ive rung AlAnon again, but there are no daytime groups available so that is a no go, ive rung the psych department and was told again that i am still on the waiting list and to wait for my letter.

AH is trying hard and he is getting all the help he needs, which is good. I just feel that it will be better for him in the long run to get rid of ME rather than the other way around because while he is working on his recovery, im going to be forever stuck in this unhealthy loop of codependency or whatever it is that is wrong with me.
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Old 03-24-2014, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow View Post
Cynical one has a great blog with a wealth of information.

I will find you an article about how our brain chemistry changes after being in a relationship with addict. Be right back!
Can you possibly get that article to me as well? I can't get my head straight. The few minutes when I realize I can be free are so wonderful. The sense of relief is unreal. Then my thoughts of him on his own without my stability creep in as well as hearing all the times he has told me it's my fault. I start to lose it and lose my resolve.
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