I think I am dating an alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Newcastle NSW
Posts: 22
I think I am dating an alcoholic
Hi all, I found this place while I was googling on how to tell if someone is lying to you. I also googled Al- anon, but not sure if I would be eligible to join.
I have been dating someone for about 11 months, and for the first 6 months I was stunned how much he could drink. nearly a bottle of spirits a night, and often straight from the bottle and with a cola chaser.
He would get happy, silly, annoying and aggressive and I finally told him the closer he got to us it was a no go zone to drink in my house.
He adores my family and they adore him and after a while I eventually broke it off with him for a week or 2, he promised to go sober and lasted about 3 weeks.
Now I am convinced he is drinking , he just learnt to HIDE it really well.
Just now he point blank refused to let me come over and visit, last time it was because he wanted to drink, and I had a babysitter and keen to chill with him for a little while, but I suspect I am interrupting his drinking time.
He looks for any excuse to drink in front of me getting a bottle of bourbon for Valentines day.. and I was looking for a snack and found a few bottles stashed away.
He kept not letting me in the bedroom, and when I did, I saw a stack of bottles and he said he got them to remind him to cease drinking.
I was calling ********, and for the last 3 months feel sick of wondering if he is lying, watching him lie to my face and no energy to even catch him out, eg pop around unexpected where he takes a good while to answer the door and reeking of mouthwash.
I want to end it but he begs and pleads and my kids are attached to him, and I adore his parents who told me I was either a saint or a stupid.... they agree he has a problem and told me he will lie to my face.
I am not looking forward to this weekend, because I feel bad about breaking it off, but do not want to enable him.. his parents and I are finally both on board about not giving him money (they didnt realise they were funding his drinking habit- they thought it was for bills) and because he is so broke, he sponges of me at mealtimes etc and quite frankly costing me money.
We do have good times, but he also notices I have lost the "lovey dovey feelings etc)
I don't want to break it in case I think he is lying when he hasn't, but I am certain he is drinking at his place now and also yesterday, he was quick to tell me he wasnt when I asked how much money he had left. My gut tells me he is.. Also the signs physical- his snoring and sleep apnoea are MUCH worse when he was drinking, the 2 weeks he was actually sober, he had NO Apnoea, and now it varies and usually on the nights he is not spending with me.
I don't want to be the mother, or enabler.. or the person who breaks it and he might do something silly.
Any tips?
thank you
I have been dating someone for about 11 months, and for the first 6 months I was stunned how much he could drink. nearly a bottle of spirits a night, and often straight from the bottle and with a cola chaser.
He would get happy, silly, annoying and aggressive and I finally told him the closer he got to us it was a no go zone to drink in my house.
He adores my family and they adore him and after a while I eventually broke it off with him for a week or 2, he promised to go sober and lasted about 3 weeks.
Now I am convinced he is drinking , he just learnt to HIDE it really well.
Just now he point blank refused to let me come over and visit, last time it was because he wanted to drink, and I had a babysitter and keen to chill with him for a little while, but I suspect I am interrupting his drinking time.
He looks for any excuse to drink in front of me getting a bottle of bourbon for Valentines day.. and I was looking for a snack and found a few bottles stashed away.
He kept not letting me in the bedroom, and when I did, I saw a stack of bottles and he said he got them to remind him to cease drinking.
I was calling ********, and for the last 3 months feel sick of wondering if he is lying, watching him lie to my face and no energy to even catch him out, eg pop around unexpected where he takes a good while to answer the door and reeking of mouthwash.
I want to end it but he begs and pleads and my kids are attached to him, and I adore his parents who told me I was either a saint or a stupid.... they agree he has a problem and told me he will lie to my face.
I am not looking forward to this weekend, because I feel bad about breaking it off, but do not want to enable him.. his parents and I are finally both on board about not giving him money (they didnt realise they were funding his drinking habit- they thought it was for bills) and because he is so broke, he sponges of me at mealtimes etc and quite frankly costing me money.
We do have good times, but he also notices I have lost the "lovey dovey feelings etc)
I don't want to break it in case I think he is lying when he hasn't, but I am certain he is drinking at his place now and also yesterday, he was quick to tell me he wasnt when I asked how much money he had left. My gut tells me he is.. Also the signs physical- his snoring and sleep apnoea are MUCH worse when he was drinking, the 2 weeks he was actually sober, he had NO Apnoea, and now it varies and usually on the nights he is not spending with me.
I don't want to be the mother, or enabler.. or the person who breaks it and he might do something silly.
Any tips?
thank you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
First, if you do break it off with him and he does something silly, as you say, then that's HIS problem, not yours. If you THINK he has a drinking problem, he probably does. If you feel in your gut that he's lying, even if he isn't, then there is a lack of trust which speaks volumes to me.
Congrats on finding this site...please stay a while and read some of the stories here. Even the ones that you think have nothing to do with your situation - because if he truly IS drinking as much as you suspect he is, then some of these stories may be what you have to look forward to if you continue on this path. It's up to you to decide if that is something you can handle.
For me, I had no idea that my bf was drinking as heavy as he was until I had moved in with him. Then I saw every day just how much he was drinking...the "Tower of Empties" grew and grew...at one point it was enough that when his mom came over to visit she returned the tower (all neatly packed back in the boxes by me) and collected enough money in returns to get enough gas to drive the 2 hour drive back home from our place.
I can only say that when I left him, it was very hard at first, but I'm at peace now for the first time since our relationship began. I have known him for 4 years and had such DREAMS for how I thought our relationship would be. I lived with him less than 6 months when I had to get out.
Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.
Congrats on finding this site...please stay a while and read some of the stories here. Even the ones that you think have nothing to do with your situation - because if he truly IS drinking as much as you suspect he is, then some of these stories may be what you have to look forward to if you continue on this path. It's up to you to decide if that is something you can handle.
For me, I had no idea that my bf was drinking as heavy as he was until I had moved in with him. Then I saw every day just how much he was drinking...the "Tower of Empties" grew and grew...at one point it was enough that when his mom came over to visit she returned the tower (all neatly packed back in the boxes by me) and collected enough money in returns to get enough gas to drive the 2 hour drive back home from our place.
I can only say that when I left him, it was very hard at first, but I'm at peace now for the first time since our relationship began. I have known him for 4 years and had such DREAMS for how I thought our relationship would be. I lived with him less than 6 months when I had to get out.
Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome, SierraRose--glad you found us here, altho sorry you're in a situation that makes it necessary.
Mellybug has given some good advice. I'd like to echo her suggestion to spend as much time as you can here and read the stories. Also make sure to check out the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of information there. This might be a good thread to start with: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You certainly are eligible for Alanon, as the only requirement to go to their meetings is that your life has been affected by someone else's drinking. Here's a link to help you find a meeting as well as some general info about Alanon: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Alanon can provide you with support in the real world as well as a lot of info about alcoholism.
All of us here have been in your shoes, and we understand how you can be doubting yourself even when confronted w/the "Tower of Empties", even when your gut tells you he IS drinking in spite of his denials. Chances are very, very good that your feelings are right and he is in fact continuing to drink. He doesn't sound as if he has any intention of finding recovery, from your description of things, and until he himself decides he has a problem and seeks help, nothing will change--or at least nothing will change for the better. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it will get worse w/passing time.
Your best bet is to educate yourself and take care of yourself. Once you know more, you'll begin to see what you want to do and where you want to go. You sound like you have your head on fairly straight, so you have a leg up on where many of us started out from already! Good for you.
Again, welcome to SR, and I wish you strength and clarity as you move ahead.
Mellybug has given some good advice. I'd like to echo her suggestion to spend as much time as you can here and read the stories. Also make sure to check out the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of information there. This might be a good thread to start with: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You certainly are eligible for Alanon, as the only requirement to go to their meetings is that your life has been affected by someone else's drinking. Here's a link to help you find a meeting as well as some general info about Alanon: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Alanon can provide you with support in the real world as well as a lot of info about alcoholism.
All of us here have been in your shoes, and we understand how you can be doubting yourself even when confronted w/the "Tower of Empties", even when your gut tells you he IS drinking in spite of his denials. Chances are very, very good that your feelings are right and he is in fact continuing to drink. He doesn't sound as if he has any intention of finding recovery, from your description of things, and until he himself decides he has a problem and seeks help, nothing will change--or at least nothing will change for the better. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it will get worse w/passing time.
Your best bet is to educate yourself and take care of yourself. Once you know more, you'll begin to see what you want to do and where you want to go. You sound like you have your head on fairly straight, so you have a leg up on where many of us started out from already! Good for you.
Again, welcome to SR, and I wish you strength and clarity as you move ahead.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Newcastle NSW
Posts: 22
Thank you both very much for replying , I have just sat down and will definately have a good long browse and take on board the collective wisdom that a group can offer.
I was going to ring al anon, but thought it was only for cemented marriages/ family and long term relationships, I was not sure if *dating* for 11 months with our own homes would count, but I guess with my family and sanity at stake.. it could be
I was going to ring al anon, but thought it was only for cemented marriages/ family and long term relationships, I was not sure if *dating* for 11 months with our own homes would count, but I guess with my family and sanity at stake.. it could be
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
SierraRose, there are people in Alanon b/c of all kinds of relationships w/alcoholics. There are parents, children, siblings, partners, spouses, friends, employees--you name it. Anyone who has been affected by someone else's drinking is eligible and will be warmly welcomed in Alanon. Many of us have found that we were affected far more deeply than we even imagined, once we started to learn more.
This is from the Alanon site, and if you answer "yes" to ANY of these questions, Alanon can provide help for you: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/affec...eones-drinking
This is from the Alanon site, and if you answer "yes" to ANY of these questions, Alanon can provide help for you: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/affec...eones-drinking
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Newcastle NSW
Posts: 22
That link was quite good, so thinking I need to work on.. well I do not want to give ultimatums, if i calmly end the relationship, I need to mean it and not use it as a "stop drinking or it is over" but end it, but I guess I need to know if the time is right, or wait and see if he decides to fight it himself.. so difficult if I am still slightly unsure of his drinking.. it is a good deal less since it is banned here and he spends a lot of time here, but not sure if i "wait a few months and really figure it out- he may well have been genuinely tired tonight hence not wanting me to visit.. AND I "admit" i drove the long way to the shops for ice cream past his house and it was all closed lights off.
Does it make me a bad person to be "checking" up on him, working situations to see if I can catch him in a lie, as I see it the more I catch him regardless of how irate or calm I handle it- he was at one point more effective at deceit the more I confronted him about the bottles.
When we broke up the first time, it was actually because I caught him stealing money of me $50, and instead of saying 'hey I saw you slip that in your pocket- we were having a play with the camera phone and I grabbed it out his pocket with the intent to dislodge and it fell out- he quickly said his dad gave it to him even though i saw him steal it an hour before.
I sat on it for 3 days and then ended it. He still has not admitted taking it, but admitted he had a drinking problem and lying and can see why i had wanted to.
I think I am starting to get things of my chest now rather than think clearly.
I checked in Australia.. my local al anon meeting place is about 40 mins from here. it might be a good idea to pop along.. or to ring first?
Does it make me a bad person to be "checking" up on him, working situations to see if I can catch him in a lie, as I see it the more I catch him regardless of how irate or calm I handle it- he was at one point more effective at deceit the more I confronted him about the bottles.
When we broke up the first time, it was actually because I caught him stealing money of me $50, and instead of saying 'hey I saw you slip that in your pocket- we were having a play with the camera phone and I grabbed it out his pocket with the intent to dislodge and it fell out- he quickly said his dad gave it to him even though i saw him steal it an hour before.
I sat on it for 3 days and then ended it. He still has not admitted taking it, but admitted he had a drinking problem and lying and can see why i had wanted to.
I think I am starting to get things of my chest now rather than think clearly.
I checked in Australia.. my local al anon meeting place is about 40 mins from here. it might be a good idea to pop along.. or to ring first?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by SierraRose 
I checked in Australia.. my local al anon meeting place is about 40 mins from here. it might be a good idea to pop along.. or to ring first?
There is no need for you to share any more than you feel comfortable with at the meeting, and in fact no need for you to speak at all if you don't wish to; you can simply listen if that feels right to you at that point.
If you're interested in doing some reading to help you understand the Alanon program and how it works, there is a lot of Alanon literature on Amazon, and much of it is available used to save some $$. I found this helpful when I was first getting acquainted w/the program.
You seem very open to learning about all of this, and that will only serve you well as you move forward. Good work so far!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome SierraRose!
Red Flags
Lying
Amount of alcohol consumed
Your gut instinct
Stealing money
His change in personality as he drinks moving into aggression
Your relationship comes second to his drinking schedule
You get a sitter and he doesn't want to engage with you?!
Hidden bottles
Bottles as fashion statements in the bedroom
His parents helping with his bills
You helping with cost of relationship beyond what you r comfortable
His parents talking to you about enabling and his lying
His parents concerned for u in the relationship.
Oh that is Lucky 13 I think that is plenty of evidence that you are absolutely correct that you are dating an A. You have done a lot of things very right and I think your instinct to end it is very wise. The sad thing is alcohol will come first - before you - in this relationship. You already perceive that happening and it is not a 'threesome' I recommend.
Red Flags
Lying
Amount of alcohol consumed
Your gut instinct
Stealing money
His change in personality as he drinks moving into aggression
Your relationship comes second to his drinking schedule
You get a sitter and he doesn't want to engage with you?!
Hidden bottles
Bottles as fashion statements in the bedroom
His parents helping with his bills
You helping with cost of relationship beyond what you r comfortable
His parents talking to you about enabling and his lying
His parents concerned for u in the relationship.
Oh that is Lucky 13 I think that is plenty of evidence that you are absolutely correct that you are dating an A. You have done a lot of things very right and I think your instinct to end it is very wise. The sad thing is alcohol will come first - before you - in this relationship. You already perceive that happening and it is not a 'threesome' I recommend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Newcastle NSW
Posts: 22
it seems so more clearer when you spell it out in a list.
can I just add 18 years ago I was married to an alcoholic at aged 22 Full blown, no hiding drunk belligerent bully, it was so bad I begged my parents to pull out the wedding (they pad for it and said no) and he almost struck me on my wedding day, within months we were separated when he was beating my 3 year old and threw me while I was pregnant. I suffered 18 months of verbal abuse and aggressive bullying behaviour, I barely noticed he was an alcoholic.. he was a bully sober or drunk.
it was so easy to leave, as there were no lies, just fear... he hasn't changed and I have very little to do with him, bit scared about seeing him in 6 months for our daughters 18th to be honest.. but I digress.
I like to think I have grown and matured now, so I am pretty embarrassed I am even here asking but it is so good to be validated and other input can help clarify my thoughts.
With his guy (SJ) it is more subtle, except when you listed it all codejob.
In all honesty, if he is drinking again, what is the likelihood it will get worse, does it take months. Do all alcoholics get worse and worse, or can it stay this uneasy truce of him simply not drinking around me and sneaking off once or twice a week, which is better than his daily bottle of booze or more?
can I just add 18 years ago I was married to an alcoholic at aged 22 Full blown, no hiding drunk belligerent bully, it was so bad I begged my parents to pull out the wedding (they pad for it and said no) and he almost struck me on my wedding day, within months we were separated when he was beating my 3 year old and threw me while I was pregnant. I suffered 18 months of verbal abuse and aggressive bullying behaviour, I barely noticed he was an alcoholic.. he was a bully sober or drunk.
it was so easy to leave, as there were no lies, just fear... he hasn't changed and I have very little to do with him, bit scared about seeing him in 6 months for our daughters 18th to be honest.. but I digress.
I like to think I have grown and matured now, so I am pretty embarrassed I am even here asking but it is so good to be validated and other input can help clarify my thoughts.
With his guy (SJ) it is more subtle, except when you listed it all codejob.
In all honesty, if he is drinking again, what is the likelihood it will get worse, does it take months. Do all alcoholics get worse and worse, or can it stay this uneasy truce of him simply not drinking around me and sneaking off once or twice a week, which is better than his daily bottle of booze or more?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
In my experience (I have dated more than one A)...it only gets worse. The more their bodies get dependent on the alcohol, the more "tolerance", the more damage it does to their brains, livers, kidneys, blood pressure, etc.
Don't feel bad for having found another A...I dated on in college that physically assaulted me and I said I'd never date another A again! Then I started dating another one and it slowly came to light that he was an A...Then I started dating another guy and found out after moving with him he was an A. This last one was the same thing - I knew he liked to drink, but until moving in with him I had no idea just how bad it was!
It's not like they walk around with signs around their necks or tattoos on their foreheads saying, "I'm an alcoholic"...just as I don't walk around with "I'm a codependent" on mine! (Although, through Al-Anon I'm working on it). A lot of them are good at "hiding" just how bad it is - denial plays a huge part in it. Be gentle with yourself...
PAY ATTENTION to those red flags...or one day you'll look back and say, "The signs were all there, I just didn't want to believe it." Even if you decide not to act upon it, at least do your best to see it clearly for what it is, not what you'd like it to be (my issue).
Don't feel bad for having found another A...I dated on in college that physically assaulted me and I said I'd never date another A again! Then I started dating another one and it slowly came to light that he was an A...Then I started dating another guy and found out after moving with him he was an A. This last one was the same thing - I knew he liked to drink, but until moving in with him I had no idea just how bad it was!
It's not like they walk around with signs around their necks or tattoos on their foreheads saying, "I'm an alcoholic"...just as I don't walk around with "I'm a codependent" on mine! (Although, through Al-Anon I'm working on it). A lot of them are good at "hiding" just how bad it is - denial plays a huge part in it. Be gentle with yourself...
PAY ATTENTION to those red flags...or one day you'll look back and say, "The signs were all there, I just didn't want to believe it." Even if you decide not to act upon it, at least do your best to see it clearly for what it is, not what you'd like it to be (my issue).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Oh my SierraRose, you SO qualify for Al Anon! I did not want to pick up my codependent trophy and had a spot of denial, anger - even rage- at myself to have to accept the role I was playing in my relationship.
Lists are handy.
Lists are handy.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Welcome. I am glad you found us. You don't need to be elligable to go to Alanon, if someone you care about is drinking and it is bothering you, you can absolutely go and it will likely help you.
Now, I am going to say what you don't want to hear. When they are lying and drinking that seriously you likely only know the tip of the iceberg. The three C's are, you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. You have children and need to put their needs first. Do some reading on here and see what life with children and alcoholics are like. It is not fun.
Please please take care of yourself, analyze what would be best for you and your children and make decisions that are best for you.
Good Luck and God Bless.
Now, I am going to say what you don't want to hear. When they are lying and drinking that seriously you likely only know the tip of the iceberg. The three C's are, you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. You have children and need to put their needs first. Do some reading on here and see what life with children and alcoholics are like. It is not fun.
Please please take care of yourself, analyze what would be best for you and your children and make decisions that are best for you.
Good Luck and God Bless.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Welcome and ((((hugs)))).
Let's look at this differently OK? You are in a relationship where you no longer trust your partner or simply aren't happy anymore. If you wanted to break it off you wouldn't have a second thought. You get to decide for you who you want to date. Your choice and yours alone.
And yes, al-anon would be right for you.
Trust your instincts. In self defense situations you are taught that if your gut is telling you something is wrong then something is wrong and it would be a good idea to get out of the situation before something bad happens, the same applies here.
Your friend,
Let's look at this differently OK? You are in a relationship where you no longer trust your partner or simply aren't happy anymore. If you wanted to break it off you wouldn't have a second thought. You get to decide for you who you want to date. Your choice and yours alone.
And yes, al-anon would be right for you.
Trust your instincts. In self defense situations you are taught that if your gut is telling you something is wrong then something is wrong and it would be a good idea to get out of the situation before something bad happens, the same applies here.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by SierraRose
it seems so more clearer when you spell it out in a list.
can I just add 18 years ago I was married to an alcoholic at aged 22 Full blown, no hiding drunk belligerent bully, it was so bad I begged my parents to pull out the wedding (they pad for it and said no) and he almost struck me on my wedding day, within months we were separated when he was beating my 3 year old and threw me while I was pregnant. I suffered 18 months of verbal abuse and aggressive bullying behaviour, I barely noticed he was an alcoholic.. he was a bully sober or drunk.
it was so easy to leave, as there were no lies, just fear... he hasn't changed and I have very little to do with him, bit scared about seeing him in 6 months for our daughters 18th to be honest.. but I digress.
I like to think I have grown and matured now, so I am pretty embarrassed I am even here asking but it is so good to be validated and other input can help clarify my thoughts.
With his guy (SJ) it is more subtle, except when you listed it all codejob.
In all honesty, if he is drinking again, what is the likelihood it will get worse, does it take months. Do all alcoholics get worse and worse, or can it stay this uneasy truce of him simply not drinking around me and sneaking off once or twice a week, which is better than his daily bottle of booze or more?
can I just add 18 years ago I was married to an alcoholic at aged 22 Full blown, no hiding drunk belligerent bully, it was so bad I begged my parents to pull out the wedding (they pad for it and said no) and he almost struck me on my wedding day, within months we were separated when he was beating my 3 year old and threw me while I was pregnant. I suffered 18 months of verbal abuse and aggressive bullying behaviour, I barely noticed he was an alcoholic.. he was a bully sober or drunk.
it was so easy to leave, as there were no lies, just fear... he hasn't changed and I have very little to do with him, bit scared about seeing him in 6 months for our daughters 18th to be honest.. but I digress.
I like to think I have grown and matured now, so I am pretty embarrassed I am even here asking but it is so good to be validated and other input can help clarify my thoughts.
With his guy (SJ) it is more subtle, except when you listed it all codejob.
In all honesty, if he is drinking again, what is the likelihood it will get worse, does it take months. Do all alcoholics get worse and worse, or can it stay this uneasy truce of him simply not drinking around me and sneaking off once or twice a week, which is better than his daily bottle of booze or more?
Your new guy may still be able to hide it, but that won't last forever. In answer to your question(s)- Alcoholism is progressive- someone on here calls it degenerative, which I really like as it seems more accurate. Unless they stop drinking and enter active recovery, they will get worse. They will drink more and become less functional. There is no set timeline. My ex went from the functioning stage to where he is now (which is probably pretty bad, though I'm not around to see it) in about five years. He had brain injuries and other issues which I think contributed to his rapid decline.
Based on your previous marriage and this relationship, I think Alanon would be a great fit for you. I have been going since last October (I didn't start attending meetings until after I left my ex) and the program has helped me tremendously in all areas of my life. I was scared and hesitant to go at first, but it has been a wonderful experience for me.
Wishing you the best. Take care and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
His alcoholism will get worse as long as he's tipping the bottle. If he's at your house and not drinking, he'll start if you keep him around. He will not take your feelings into consideration just like he didn't when he stole money off of you and your kids. He will learn to be a better liar. He will bathe in after shave and drink more mouth wash to cover it up. He will do what it takes to keep you as his enabler and get what he needs to continue on with his alcoholism. He will suck the life right out of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Newcastle NSW
Posts: 22
Dear everyone that replied.
I take on board your comments, from the gentle to upfront. Thank You!
its been 24 hours since I visited this forum , turns out he actually did not drink last night, he simply needed a sleep in on his first day off in a while.
proud of him there, but the fact remains- I was concerned and distrustful, ad it is no way to have a relationship.
Several times today he asked why I was "off and distant" its very hard to just end it... (my weakness- I have no bitch mode) we went the beach, had a swim, did some gardening together- we planted a garden in the last few months and tend it with pleasure and he later on during the day began to feed of my distance" and get a bit stroppy.
All I have told his parents, is point blank, I refuse to ever move in with him- not even on the table.. Dating is different, but still quite difficult to end with no "current" good reason.... as far as I know he has not drunk for a week or so.... I guess he is trying and I feel slack.
Part of me still wants to enjoy the good times, and ignore the bad. I am so proud apparently when he was wanting to date me- he went cold turkey on a10 year weed habit and had successfully put himself off other drugs.
As far as I know he is clean on those, and for that his parents have thanked me endlessly- and him as he says I am the reason he does not want to go back- he sees life and freedom from not being bound by the dugs.
So yes, this is my journey- please do not think that because have not "ended" it today, that I am dismissing your collective wisdom, and I am not the person who you can preach endlessly to and be ignored. I do realise it I not suitable for a long term relationship at all.. and short term.. well. as said.. a journey I am looking for the least painful exit off this road.
I take on board your comments, from the gentle to upfront. Thank You!
its been 24 hours since I visited this forum , turns out he actually did not drink last night, he simply needed a sleep in on his first day off in a while.
proud of him there, but the fact remains- I was concerned and distrustful, ad it is no way to have a relationship.
Several times today he asked why I was "off and distant" its very hard to just end it... (my weakness- I have no bitch mode) we went the beach, had a swim, did some gardening together- we planted a garden in the last few months and tend it with pleasure and he later on during the day began to feed of my distance" and get a bit stroppy.
All I have told his parents, is point blank, I refuse to ever move in with him- not even on the table.. Dating is different, but still quite difficult to end with no "current" good reason.... as far as I know he has not drunk for a week or so.... I guess he is trying and I feel slack.
Part of me still wants to enjoy the good times, and ignore the bad. I am so proud apparently when he was wanting to date me- he went cold turkey on a10 year weed habit and had successfully put himself off other drugs.
As far as I know he is clean on those, and for that his parents have thanked me endlessly- and him as he says I am the reason he does not want to go back- he sees life and freedom from not being bound by the dugs.
So yes, this is my journey- please do not think that because have not "ended" it today, that I am dismissing your collective wisdom, and I am not the person who you can preach endlessly to and be ignored. I do realise it I not suitable for a long term relationship at all.. and short term.. well. as said.. a journey I am looking for the least painful exit off this road.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Dating for 11 months, you aren't married,you still have your own places.
Suggestion is: DUMP HIM AND RUN. Not worth it
Suggestion is: DUMP HIM AND RUN. Not worth it
Originally Posted by SierraRose
Hi all, I found this place while I was googling on how to tell if someone is lying to you. I also googled Al- anon, but not sure if I would be eligible to join.
I have been dating someone for about 11 months, and for the first 6 months I was stunned how much he could drink. nearly a bottle of spirits a night, and often straight from the bottle and with a cola chaser.
He would get happy, silly, annoying and aggressive and I finally told him the closer he got to us it was a no go zone to drink in my house.
He adores my family and they adore him and after a while I eventually broke it off with him for a week or 2, he promised to go sober and lasted about 3 weeks.
Now I am convinced he is drinking , he just learnt to HIDE it really well.
Just now he point blank refused to let me come over and visit, last time it was because he wanted to drink, and I had a babysitter and keen to chill with him for a little while, but I suspect I am interrupting his drinking time.
He looks for any excuse to drink in front of me getting a bottle of bourbon for Valentines day.. and I was looking for a snack and found a few bottles stashed away.
He kept not letting me in the bedroom, and when I did, I saw a stack of bottles and he said he got them to remind him to cease drinking.
I was calling ********, and for the last 3 months feel sick of wondering if he is lying, watching him lie to my face and no energy to even catch him out, eg pop around unexpected where he takes a good while to answer the door and reeking of mouthwash.
I want to end it but he begs and pleads and my kids are attached to him, and I adore his parents who told me I was either a saint or a stupid.... they agree he has a problem and told me he will lie to my face.
I am not looking forward to this weekend, because I feel bad about breaking it off, but do not want to enable him.. his parents and I are finally both on board about not giving him money (they didnt realise they were funding his drinking habit- they thought it was for bills) and because he is so broke, he sponges of me at mealtimes etc and quite frankly costing me money.
We do have good times, but he also notices I have lost the "lovey dovey feelings etc)
I don't want to break it in case I think he is lying when he hasn't, but I am certain he is drinking at his place now and also yesterday, he was quick to tell me he wasnt when I asked how much money he had left. My gut tells me he is.. Also the signs physical- his snoring and sleep apnoea are MUCH worse when he was drinking, the 2 weeks he was actually sober, he had NO Apnoea, and now it varies and usually on the nights he is not spending with me.
I don't want to be the mother, or enabler.. or the person who breaks it and he might do something silly.
Any tips?
thank you
I have been dating someone for about 11 months, and for the first 6 months I was stunned how much he could drink. nearly a bottle of spirits a night, and often straight from the bottle and with a cola chaser.
He would get happy, silly, annoying and aggressive and I finally told him the closer he got to us it was a no go zone to drink in my house.
He adores my family and they adore him and after a while I eventually broke it off with him for a week or 2, he promised to go sober and lasted about 3 weeks.
Now I am convinced he is drinking , he just learnt to HIDE it really well.
Just now he point blank refused to let me come over and visit, last time it was because he wanted to drink, and I had a babysitter and keen to chill with him for a little while, but I suspect I am interrupting his drinking time.
He looks for any excuse to drink in front of me getting a bottle of bourbon for Valentines day.. and I was looking for a snack and found a few bottles stashed away.
He kept not letting me in the bedroom, and when I did, I saw a stack of bottles and he said he got them to remind him to cease drinking.
I was calling ********, and for the last 3 months feel sick of wondering if he is lying, watching him lie to my face and no energy to even catch him out, eg pop around unexpected where he takes a good while to answer the door and reeking of mouthwash.
I want to end it but he begs and pleads and my kids are attached to him, and I adore his parents who told me I was either a saint or a stupid.... they agree he has a problem and told me he will lie to my face.
I am not looking forward to this weekend, because I feel bad about breaking it off, but do not want to enable him.. his parents and I are finally both on board about not giving him money (they didnt realise they were funding his drinking habit- they thought it was for bills) and because he is so broke, he sponges of me at mealtimes etc and quite frankly costing me money.
We do have good times, but he also notices I have lost the "lovey dovey feelings etc)
I don't want to break it in case I think he is lying when he hasn't, but I am certain he is drinking at his place now and also yesterday, he was quick to tell me he wasnt when I asked how much money he had left. My gut tells me he is.. Also the signs physical- his snoring and sleep apnoea are MUCH worse when he was drinking, the 2 weeks he was actually sober, he had NO Apnoea, and now it varies and usually on the nights he is not spending with me.
I don't want to be the mother, or enabler.. or the person who breaks it and he might do something silly.
Any tips?
thank you
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
\
You have plenty of current good reasons to end it, you are uncomfortable and mistrustful.
You have plenty of current good reasons to end it, you are uncomfortable and mistrustful.
Originally Posted by SierraRose
Dear everyone that replied.
I take on board your comments, from the gentle to upfront. Thank You!
its been 24 hours since I visited this forum , turns out he actually did not drink last night, he simply needed a sleep in on his first day off in a while.
proud of him there, but the fact remains- I was concerned and distrustful, ad it is no way to have a relationship.
Several times today he asked why I was "off and distant" its very hard to just end it... (my weakness- I have no bitch mode) we went the beach, had a swim, did some gardening together- we planted a garden in the last few months and tend it with pleasure and he later on during the day began to feed of my distance" and get a bit stroppy.
All I have told his parents, is point blank, I refuse to ever move in with him- not even on the table.. Dating is different, but still quite difficult to end with no "current" good reason.... as far as I know he has not drunk for a week or so.... I guess he is trying and I feel slack.
Part of me still wants to enjoy the good times, and ignore the bad. I am so proud apparently when he was wanting to date me- he went cold turkey on a10 year weed habit and had successfully put himself off other drugs.
As far as I know he is clean on those, and for that his parents have thanked me endlessly- and him as he says I am the reason he does not want to go back- he sees life and freedom from not being bound by the dugs.
So yes, this is my journey- please do not think that because have not "ended" it today, that I am dismissing your collective wisdom, and I am not the person who you can preach endlessly to and be ignored. I do realise it I not suitable for a long term relationship at all.. and short term.. well. as said.. a journey I am looking for the least painful exit off this road.
I take on board your comments, from the gentle to upfront. Thank You!
its been 24 hours since I visited this forum , turns out he actually did not drink last night, he simply needed a sleep in on his first day off in a while.
proud of him there, but the fact remains- I was concerned and distrustful, ad it is no way to have a relationship.
Several times today he asked why I was "off and distant" its very hard to just end it... (my weakness- I have no bitch mode) we went the beach, had a swim, did some gardening together- we planted a garden in the last few months and tend it with pleasure and he later on during the day began to feed of my distance" and get a bit stroppy.
All I have told his parents, is point blank, I refuse to ever move in with him- not even on the table.. Dating is different, but still quite difficult to end with no "current" good reason.... as far as I know he has not drunk for a week or so.... I guess he is trying and I feel slack.
Part of me still wants to enjoy the good times, and ignore the bad. I am so proud apparently when he was wanting to date me- he went cold turkey on a10 year weed habit and had successfully put himself off other drugs.
As far as I know he is clean on those, and for that his parents have thanked me endlessly- and him as he says I am the reason he does not want to go back- he sees life and freedom from not being bound by the dugs.
So yes, this is my journey- please do not think that because have not "ended" it today, that I am dismissing your collective wisdom, and I am not the person who you can preach endlessly to and be ignored. I do realise it I not suitable for a long term relationship at all.. and short term.. well. as said.. a journey I am looking for the least painful exit off this road.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
SierraRose,
It sounds like you had a nice day! It takes time to process. I think if you keep your own place and keep your $ separate you might be fine until you are not.
I am still in my marriage. 20 years of Codie drama to unravel. Might as well hang right here until I have figured this out for my self. In 11 months I made it to Step 4 and continue in therapy. I know if I ended my marriage I am so lonely I would just go out and pick another emotionally withdrawn soul to save. My H is in R at 11 mo. He knows if he relapses he is out of the house.
Please check out some AlAnon. I think it will help you set some boundaries for yourself. You cannot save this man, but maybe for now you can keep a limited relationship with him if you are cautious. In the meantime Al Anon and SR can be good avenues to further educate yourself. Hugs!
I cleaned out half of a garden bed yesterday. We are in early spring and there is something so hopeful in pulling away winter debris and see green popping out of the earth! I have mint and violets I have been fighting. It pains me to kill anything green - especially when the roots smell so good from the mint when I rip it out and the violets are so merry with their small purple flowers....
It sounds like you had a nice day! It takes time to process. I think if you keep your own place and keep your $ separate you might be fine until you are not.
I am still in my marriage. 20 years of Codie drama to unravel. Might as well hang right here until I have figured this out for my self. In 11 months I made it to Step 4 and continue in therapy. I know if I ended my marriage I am so lonely I would just go out and pick another emotionally withdrawn soul to save. My H is in R at 11 mo. He knows if he relapses he is out of the house.
Please check out some AlAnon. I think it will help you set some boundaries for yourself. You cannot save this man, but maybe for now you can keep a limited relationship with him if you are cautious. In the meantime Al Anon and SR can be good avenues to further educate yourself. Hugs!
I cleaned out half of a garden bed yesterday. We are in early spring and there is something so hopeful in pulling away winter debris and see green popping out of the earth! I have mint and violets I have been fighting. It pains me to kill anything green - especially when the roots smell so good from the mint when I rip it out and the violets are so merry with their small purple flowers....
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
