Unsolicited Advise??
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Unsolicited Advise??
Ok, so I have a question....... 
I understand why it is wrong to give unsolicited advice. I understand people are capable of solving their problems, making their own choices, etc. but, yes there is always a but.....
I personally like advice from certain people. In fact, I welcome it. After all, look at where my best thinking has got me.
Some times, I can not see what is right in front of me still......like manipulative texts, messages, etc. I share them with certain people for their input. I usually learn from them as well.
So, I am left kind of confused about this subject. I certainly do not like some one acting as an armchair therapist with opinions stated as facts but I do welcome other's advice.
Any thoughts, opinions or advice??
I understand why it is wrong to give unsolicited advice. I understand people are capable of solving their problems, making their own choices, etc. but, yes there is always a but.....
I personally like advice from certain people. In fact, I welcome it. After all, look at where my best thinking has got me.
Some times, I can not see what is right in front of me still......like manipulative texts, messages, etc. I share them with certain people for their input. I usually learn from them as well.
So, I am left kind of confused about this subject. I certainly do not like some one acting as an armchair therapist with opinions stated as facts but I do welcome other's advice.
Any thoughts, opinions or advice??
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I found this article.....I think it explains it pretty well.
A therapist friend of mine once said that advice is the lowest form of conversation. I totally agree with him but would go even further in warning that giving unsolicited advice is a sure way to erode trust and drive people away.
Trust is the single most important ingredient of any relationship -- "Where there's no trust, there's no love," according to my mentor. To be able to speak from your heart and share your truth with someone, you must feel safe enough to know that he or she will acknowledge what you shared and offer emotional support but no advice or judgment. A true friend knows that, if you want advice, you'll ask for it, and doesn't try to fix you or your situation.
If you do want advice, though, be sure that the person offering it has experienced your issue and is willing to share what worked and what didn't from an emotional perspective. That kind of advice isn't gratuitous, and it can be very helpful. It's best received if presented in statements beginning with, "When I was in that same situation . . ." and not, "You should . . . ."
This situation often comes up between parents and their adult children. When an adult child feels he can't trust a parent to hear him without giving unsolicited advice, conversations can slow to a trickle. Not only doesn't a parent necessarily know what's best for his child, but not allowing the child to struggle with his own issues and make his own mistakes doesn't allow the child to define who he is and develop strength of character. Treating adult children as if they don't know what's best for them is like having a severe case of myopia.
My adult son is in his 40s and when he shares his issues with me, I've learned to listen and ask if he wants my feedback before offering any. Before I followed this simple rule, I noticed that the more advice I heaped on him, the less he talked about his personal life. Our conversations now are mostly about him, and when he asks what's going on with me, I try to be brief and to the point. I owe him my interest and concern -- not the other way around. It's his life, after all, and he has to make his own decisions and live with the consequences.
By midlife, most men and women have figured out that sharing experiences on an emotional level about life's important issues -- friendship, dating, marriage, divorce, parenting, unemployment and death, for example -- has value because it comes from their hearts. If they haven't personally experienced what someone else is going through, they're respectful and supportive enough to just listen.
Everybody's known blowholes who can't resist fixing everyone else's problem, even if they never experienced it. Frequently their lives are a train wreck, so they don't have anything worthwhile to offer you, but just seem to love the sound of their own voices. I've stopped sharing my issues with these self-appointed "experts," and I urge folks stuck in this mode to reconsider their behavior and stop saying, "You should . . ." If you do, people will notice and perhaps begin sharing their lives with you again.
A therapist friend of mine once said that advice is the lowest form of conversation. I totally agree with him but would go even further in warning that giving unsolicited advice is a sure way to erode trust and drive people away.
Trust is the single most important ingredient of any relationship -- "Where there's no trust, there's no love," according to my mentor. To be able to speak from your heart and share your truth with someone, you must feel safe enough to know that he or she will acknowledge what you shared and offer emotional support but no advice or judgment. A true friend knows that, if you want advice, you'll ask for it, and doesn't try to fix you or your situation.
If you do want advice, though, be sure that the person offering it has experienced your issue and is willing to share what worked and what didn't from an emotional perspective. That kind of advice isn't gratuitous, and it can be very helpful. It's best received if presented in statements beginning with, "When I was in that same situation . . ." and not, "You should . . . ."
This situation often comes up between parents and their adult children. When an adult child feels he can't trust a parent to hear him without giving unsolicited advice, conversations can slow to a trickle. Not only doesn't a parent necessarily know what's best for his child, but not allowing the child to struggle with his own issues and make his own mistakes doesn't allow the child to define who he is and develop strength of character. Treating adult children as if they don't know what's best for them is like having a severe case of myopia.
My adult son is in his 40s and when he shares his issues with me, I've learned to listen and ask if he wants my feedback before offering any. Before I followed this simple rule, I noticed that the more advice I heaped on him, the less he talked about his personal life. Our conversations now are mostly about him, and when he asks what's going on with me, I try to be brief and to the point. I owe him my interest and concern -- not the other way around. It's his life, after all, and he has to make his own decisions and live with the consequences.
By midlife, most men and women have figured out that sharing experiences on an emotional level about life's important issues -- friendship, dating, marriage, divorce, parenting, unemployment and death, for example -- has value because it comes from their hearts. If they haven't personally experienced what someone else is going through, they're respectful and supportive enough to just listen.
Everybody's known blowholes who can't resist fixing everyone else's problem, even if they never experienced it. Frequently their lives are a train wreck, so they don't have anything worthwhile to offer you, but just seem to love the sound of their own voices. I've stopped sharing my issues with these self-appointed "experts," and I urge folks stuck in this mode to reconsider their behavior and stop saying, "You should . . ." If you do, people will notice and perhaps begin sharing their lives with you again.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
When I feel myself wanting to give advice, I remind myself to wait for the question. For a fixer of broken people, this takes a lot of practice. But, there is also something about me that people want to tell their stories to me. Recently, I was getting my nails done by a young woman I had never used before. She had an attitude and it was one of those days where I just wasn't in the mood for idle chit-chat. So, I was perfectly content with not talking. About half-way through she just says out of nowhere "I don't burn". I'm like excuse me. She says "I've been in 3 major fires in my life and the flames just go around me". From there she goes on to tell me about her childhood, her abusive boyfriend, her relationship with her mother. And, on and on. Not being able to bite my tongue any longer, I did give her unsolicited advice about being a punching bag for her boyfriend. My advice, take out a life insurance policy on the batterer and since you don't burn...
I also find it easier to not give unsolicited advice to children. Instead of telling them what to do, I ask them what they think they should do and then help them play the tape to the end. Well if you do this, what could happen that is good and what could happen that is bad type thing? To me this helps them to learn how to solve things on their own. We can't make all their decisions for them and then expect them to know how to make them on their own when we're not around. I think one of the most damaging things we do with both addicts and children is to take the lesson away by jumping in and solving everything for them. And, no I'm not comparing addicts with children.
Slightly off-topic but something I have in my files that may be useful:
A story is told of a student who traveled a long distance to meet with a famous rebbe. The student humbly asks, “Rebbe, how do I become wise?” The rabbi looks carefully at the student and answers, “From making good choices.” “But rebbe, how will I know how to make good choices?” The rebbe responds, “From experience.” “But,” the student continues, “How do I get that experience?” The rebbe smiles and answers, “From bad choices.”
I also find it easier to not give unsolicited advice to children. Instead of telling them what to do, I ask them what they think they should do and then help them play the tape to the end. Well if you do this, what could happen that is good and what could happen that is bad type thing? To me this helps them to learn how to solve things on their own. We can't make all their decisions for them and then expect them to know how to make them on their own when we're not around. I think one of the most damaging things we do with both addicts and children is to take the lesson away by jumping in and solving everything for them. And, no I'm not comparing addicts with children.
Slightly off-topic but something I have in my files that may be useful:
A story is told of a student who traveled a long distance to meet with a famous rebbe. The student humbly asks, “Rebbe, how do I become wise?” The rabbi looks carefully at the student and answers, “From making good choices.” “But rebbe, how will I know how to make good choices?” The rebbe responds, “From experience.” “But,” the student continues, “How do I get that experience?” The rebbe smiles and answers, “From bad choices.”
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by cynical one 
“Rebbe, how do I become wise?” The rabbi looks carefully at the student and answers, “From making good choices.” “But rebbe, how will I know how to make good choices?” The rebbe responds, “From experience.” “But,” the student continues, “How do I get that experience?” The rebbe smiles and answers, “From bad choices.”
Really enjoyed your post cynicalone and the allowing the child to think the answer through. Good stuff as Johnny Carson would say.
I bite my nails lol. The conversation would be very short.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I can learn from this. I no longer try to run anyone's life, nor do I let their life choices affect mine. I am much more open minded about how we are each different and have to make choices that we think are best for us...I "get" that part.
But I am afraid I am quite terrible at handing out "advice", when sometimes all that is required is a listening ear. Or, if I want to engage in a conversation when asked to by someone looking for answers, I should keep in mind that this is about them and phrase my thoughts that way. Instead of "You should..." I could offer "Have you thought about...?"
I remember one time my son was having a bad day and he called to unload his frustration. I jumped right in with possible solutions or criticism or praise, depending on MY point of view. My son said something I never forgot after that, he said "I don't need your answers, sometimes I just need to experience my bad day and work through it." He was right, it was his bad day to do with whatever he chose. And he could only learn to make good choices by learning from his bad choices like CO's analogy.
Good food for thought, LMN and CO. Thanks.
Hugs
But I am afraid I am quite terrible at handing out "advice", when sometimes all that is required is a listening ear. Or, if I want to engage in a conversation when asked to by someone looking for answers, I should keep in mind that this is about them and phrase my thoughts that way. Instead of "You should..." I could offer "Have you thought about...?"
I remember one time my son was having a bad day and he called to unload his frustration. I jumped right in with possible solutions or criticism or praise, depending on MY point of view. My son said something I never forgot after that, he said "I don't need your answers, sometimes I just need to experience my bad day and work through it." He was right, it was his bad day to do with whatever he chose. And he could only learn to make good choices by learning from his bad choices like CO's analogy.
Good food for thought, LMN and CO. Thanks.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
There is one piece of unsolicited advice that I will continue to give......to anyone.....it's simple....it's harmless.....it's the single most important thing I have ever done for myself.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
LoveMeNow, from your post as I read it is you like the advice given to you by certain people. I would view that as solicited advice, you sought them out and asked for help. Besides, with unsolicited advice you still have the option to follow it or not.
To me the unsolicited advice rule goes with giving rather than getting. A great quote by Robert Heinlein goes
Your friend,
To me the unsolicited advice rule goes with giving rather than getting. A great quote by Robert Heinlein goes
A desire not to butt into other people's business is at least eighty percent of all human 'wisdom'...and the other twenty percent isn't very important.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I try not to give advise but I do give my experiences when I feel that someone is looking out to see if anyone else can relate. That is what has helped me here and helped me learn how to take care of my and my girls. So while we do learn the hard way (why do we do this to ourselves LOL), it is also very helpful to me to hear not really advise but what is going on in other peoples lives and how they handle those things.
As always, it is take what you want and leave the rest.
SR is a key role why when things got terrible last week, I actually did something about it instead of going through the insanity of the same roller coaster over and over. At that moment, I was able to remove myself from the crazy train and a big part of that is knowing I have a full support system both on here and face to face.
Thank you, you are a wonderful group of people!
As always, it is take what you want and leave the rest.
SR is a key role why when things got terrible last week, I actually did something about it instead of going through the insanity of the same roller coaster over and over. At that moment, I was able to remove myself from the crazy train and a big part of that is knowing I have a full support system both on here and face to face.
Thank you, you are a wonderful group of people!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
ALL my advice is unsolicited ! That's why you always see Ann or Cynical or LMN chasing me around with a broom.
But it never takes. I never STAY gone.I never get the hint. I'm still here.
(Perseverance is 99% of any battle!)
THAT'S my piece of unsolicited wisdom for today!
......ooopppppssss.......here comes Ann with broom!
..........'gotta go! (QUUUUUUUAAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!)
But it never takes. I never STAY gone.I never get the hint. I'm still here.
(Perseverance is 99% of any battle!)
THAT'S my piece of unsolicited wisdom for today!
......ooopppppssss.......here comes Ann with broom!
..........'gotta go! (QUUUUUUUAAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
LMN and Cynicalone thank you so much for this thought provoking post and your answers. I am probably guilty of giving unsolicited advice at one time or another and it is one more thing to ass to the list of things I need to be aware of and work on. As Ann says progress not perfection. Vale you know we always enjoy your advice unsolicited or not!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
WITH a broom...........not ON a broom!
(people who are reckless with double entendres tend to end
up in the emergency rooms of their local English departments.)
We will not even SPEAK of those intemperate enough to attempt
a triple......trying to be THAT clever has a lot in common with
meth cooks of substandard talent....
(they both go "BOOM" a lot!)
(people who are reckless with double entendres tend to end
up in the emergency rooms of their local English departments.)
We will not even SPEAK of those intemperate enough to attempt
a triple......trying to be THAT clever has a lot in common with
meth cooks of substandard talent....
(they both go "BOOM" a lot!)
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Ok I have a question or two.
If I post what I am going through on SR aren't I inviting advice?
Otherwise, am I not just whining?
That was one two part question.
I know now that I am a fixer. The question is, why do people ask for advice, but don't really want it unless it agrees with what they want to do anyway. Seems a total wastes of time.
I am looking for unsolicited/solicited advice. Ann before you get the broom, remember I a toddler at SR
If I post what I am going through on SR aren't I inviting advice?
Otherwise, am I not just whining?
That was one two part question.
I know now that I am a fixer. The question is, why do people ask for advice, but don't really want it unless it agrees with what they want to do anyway. Seems a total wastes of time.
I am looking for unsolicited/solicited advice. Ann before you get the broom, remember I a toddler at SR
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
We're a social species. We crave affirmation.
Usually, when someone tells me early in an interaction that
"They don't care what other people think" ......they are always
full of BS.....and their lifetime record reflects same.
Treat this with the same suspicion one reserves for someone
who says "I don't want to be a winner in life".
Utterly unconvincing. Noone believes it...ever.
If they pretend to---there is an ulterior motive at work.
Usually, when someone tells me early in an interaction that
"They don't care what other people think" ......they are always
full of BS.....and their lifetime record reflects same.
Treat this with the same suspicion one reserves for someone
who says "I don't want to be a winner in life".
Utterly unconvincing. Noone believes it...ever.
If they pretend to---there is an ulterior motive at work.
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