Mellybug

When I moved in with my XABF he was close to losing his house, he was days away from having his electricity and water shut off, had no phone and no cable.
I invested a couple of thousand dollars into getting him caught up and back on track - he had no job at that time and I thought I was helping him until he could get a job and get back on his feet, which he did a month after I moved in. That was back in November...

I just moved out a little over 3 weeks ago....I gave him money towards the mortgage and electricity when I left, and had just paid the cable and water bills. He tells me TODAY that he just got a certified letter from the mortgage company (apparently he didn't pay it last month), and he's days away from having his electricity shut off. He said he has no food in the house.

He makes more money than I do...it blows my mind how he can possibly be in this bad of a position again - I haven't even been gone a month yet!

suki44883

Hope you don't jump up and run to his rescue. He's never going to learn to take care of himself if you keep doing it for him. If the guy has a job and, as you say, makes more money than you do, then there is no reason he can't pay his bills and no reason for you to.

DG0409

I don't know your back story, but perhaps it would be best to cut contact with him so you don't have to hear about whether or not he's paid the bills?

Mellybug

Oh, hecks NO I didn't jump in and help. Nor did I offer to. I pretty much just said, "That sucks," and left it at that.

I learned my lesson the first time. He just expected me to step in and keep doing it! I told him I was tired of it, and heard just about every line in the book about how it was going to change/be better. It never did.

I'm going to go home from work, hug my dog, pet the cat...and settle in to a nice meal...grateful that I'm a responsible adult and know how to take care of my priorities.

suki44883

Good for you, mellybug. I second the idea of cutting off contact. He hasn't changed at all and you left because of it. Continuing contact just keeps all those feelings of anxiety and anger churned up. He's a big boy. He can figure out his own life. It isn't your problem.

Mellybug

It's amazing how clearly I can see things from on the other side of this fence (meaning after having discovered Al Anon, SR, and a bunch of literature). I see my past behaviors and want to reach way back and slap the crap out of myself!

ladyscribbler

LOL. Me too! Keep going- you learn how to forgive yourself, which is pretty awesome.

FeelingGreat

You must be so glad you're out of it. He doesn't want to help himself does he?

Mellybug

Last night he sent me a text saying that he was spending time with the dogs because he hasn't "treated them very well, either" (I'm going to assume he meant in addition to how he treated me). His cable and internet was shut off, so now he can't "check out" by playing his online game or watch TV.

I'm hoping that for HIS sake he is finally seeing just how bad his problem has gotten and is finally ready to get help. If he isn't, however, that's not my problem, either. I want him to have a good, happy, healthy life because of COURSE I love him...but it's up to HIM to create that life. Not me.

Fandy

by reading his texts and knowing how he is supposedly spending his time, you are still involved with him. You can't move forward this way, he can still suck you back in.

why not just block his number for a few days and cut the cord?

hopeful4

Move forward and let him be a grown up and figure it out on his own. You are not his mother or his banker. He needs to learn to budget his own finances, and sometimes finding out the hard way is how those lessons are learned.

Glad you are moving forward, don't fall into a trap!