What can I do to help him
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
What can I do to help him
How can I help him. He won't even give me a conversation. I think I caught him on a manic episode when he first asked me out. I was guarded he was head first. Do I contact his family to reach out. He was shrewd enough to keep us not in contact. They know what he his, so do I, I just want to help though. But I feel he's used to his life & frankly he enjoys it. His "bro" the best buddy & #1 enabler - he's tied to with work. Help please. Tell me to walk away. Tell me to remember the great beginning of the relationship & to dismiss the pain, his mood swings, his anger his using & drinking. Please. Thank you !
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I cannot tell you what to do, but I can tell you I was married to what I believe to be a bipolar (undiagnosed), depressed, alcohol abusing, pill abusing man for 15 years. His family knows so there was never any point in doing anything about that.
The thing you have to realize is that it sounds like he needs a dual diagnosis to treat the underlying issues and the addiction also. The likleyhood of him getting that is next to nill, sounds like brother has tried.
The only thing you can do from here is to realize addiction is a progressive disease. It will continue. You have to decide how much can you take. He is not going to go back to that person you remember in the beginning, that is not who he is now.
You deserve alot more than this. I hope you put the focus back on yourself and work on gaining the strength to make decisions that are beneficial to YOU.
God Bless.
The thing you have to realize is that it sounds like he needs a dual diagnosis to treat the underlying issues and the addiction also. The likleyhood of him getting that is next to nill, sounds like brother has tried.
The only thing you can do from here is to realize addiction is a progressive disease. It will continue. You have to decide how much can you take. He is not going to go back to that person you remember in the beginning, that is not who he is now.
You deserve alot more than this. I hope you put the focus back on yourself and work on gaining the strength to make decisions that are beneficial to YOU.
God Bless.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Bernadette, can I ask why you're staying? Is it because you still think you can help him?
There's not likely to be any benefit in contacting his family, and he doesn't want your help because that would interfere with his addiction.
You don't need anyone here to tell you what to do - you know this yourself. Why not start planning your exit?
There's not likely to be any benefit in contacting his family, and he doesn't want your help because that would interfere with his addiction.
You don't need anyone here to tell you what to do - you know this yourself. Why not start planning your exit?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
what are the FACTS today? that is what you must deal with...not memories of what it used to be like, because it isn't like that NOW. probably best to leave him be, leave it alone, and work on regaining your balance and your sanity.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He is probably the only person not unhappy about his addiction right now.
Waiting for them to fall, to find their own way, can take years, a lifetime or can happen tomorrow. It may last forever or a day.
You are young and can walk away relatively unscathed. I know your heart hurts, but it will heal, I promise you. Love cannot save our dear addicts, if it could not one of us would be here.
Good luck dear, I hope you can get through this and take very good care of yourself.
Hugs
Waiting for them to fall, to find their own way, can take years, a lifetime or can happen tomorrow. It may last forever or a day.
You are young and can walk away relatively unscathed. I know your heart hurts, but it will heal, I promise you. Love cannot save our dear addicts, if it could not one of us would be here.
Good luck dear, I hope you can get through this and take very good care of yourself.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Thank you Hopeful4, that means a lot to me. I'm sorry to bother, but I'm so grateful to know that good caring people who know exactly what I'm feeling are out there! Ps.. What does, "PM" mean... I'm not a tree stump, I promise, I just have a hard time trying to post stuff & lingo. In fact I pray you receive this
lots if nice people on SR have "bumped"?my messages for me so I can get feedback. What does bumped mean. When I go to homepage of SR to start new thread, then I hit done for typing then I hit submit- it rarely shows up in the forum here for friends family of A's... A little clueless I am at times thank you. If you can share some savy advice do I don't have to keep bothering people to get my words out there, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you for your good heart, kind words.
lots if nice people on SR have "bumped"?my messages for me so I can get feedback. What does bumped mean. When I go to homepage of SR to start new thread, then I hit done for typing then I hit submit- it rarely shows up in the forum here for friends family of A's... A little clueless I am at times thank you. If you can share some savy advice do I don't have to keep bothering people to get my words out there, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you for your good heart, kind words.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Bernadette
If you click on hopefuls name a list of options should drop down. PM stands for Private Message. You have a small mail box at SR. It will hold in and out mail. If u get mail, your name where it says welcome will blink with a PM or Public message. Public message is sort of like a little chalkboard under your wall or public page.
Another nice thing is you can sort by clicking on hopefuls name to read other posts or threads she started. Often you will find someone who has a similar story or u like how they express things.
SR has a few themed areas and I think your first thread was moved here to SR-friends and family. If u go to SR main page, and click on forums (top middle of page I think) you will see all the various sections... That initial move was called a bump I think.
You will be a pro in.
No time!
If you click on hopefuls name a list of options should drop down. PM stands for Private Message. You have a small mail box at SR. It will hold in and out mail. If u get mail, your name where it says welcome will blink with a PM or Public message. Public message is sort of like a little chalkboard under your wall or public page.
Another nice thing is you can sort by clicking on hopefuls name to read other posts or threads she started. Often you will find someone who has a similar story or u like how they express things.
SR has a few themed areas and I think your first thread was moved here to SR-friends and family. If u go to SR main page, and click on forums (top middle of page I think) you will see all the various sections... That initial move was called a bump I think.
You will be a pro in.
No time!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 8
You can't help him, except, maybe by leaving. Because if the pain of losing a loved one doesn't help enact change, then what will?
If you love him, leave.
PS I don't mean that you can control him by doing that. I mean that leaving may be what's best for both of you.
If you love him, leave.
PS I don't mean that you can control him by doing that. I mean that leaving may be what's best for both of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Hi FeelingGreat,
I'm trying to make my exit. It just sometimes feels like if I was more giving & I gave all I could.. But if I gave more, maybe he would have not have dismissed me. I tried to hold on because we were from the same background & church and that means the world to me. We had so much in common. I don't want to start over with a new man, but in the same breath I'm scared to have dinner with him because I'm scared to get in the car with him bc of either his drinking or bc if anything is on him- I don't want to be there. But I here you. I think what I want is to say goodbye. Wow, I never thought I'd say that. I love you guys! Thank you. I just have to keep that thought in the front instead of his broken promised.
I'm trying to make my exit. It just sometimes feels like if I was more giving & I gave all I could.. But if I gave more, maybe he would have not have dismissed me. I tried to hold on because we were from the same background & church and that means the world to me. We had so much in common. I don't want to start over with a new man, but in the same breath I'm scared to have dinner with him because I'm scared to get in the car with him bc of either his drinking or bc if anything is on him- I don't want to be there. But I here you. I think what I want is to say goodbye. Wow, I never thought I'd say that. I love you guys! Thank you. I just have to keep that thought in the front instead of his broken promised.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Bernadette, I can tell you're feeling a bit fragile about this and having trouble coming to terms with your new reality. My suggestion is that you take some small steps, like making a list of alternative places to stay, maybe packing up some of your stuff, working out your budget and so on. It doesn't commit you, but once you're ready psychologically you can move quickly without too much drama.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Hi Feeling Great,
Sorry, i wasn't clear. He & I don't live together. He lives with an male family member. His place & my home are about 2.5 miles apart. I like the list you spoke of though. Everyday is a day to reflect, heal, & move forward. I love the SR website and the kind folks like yourself & others who have written back to me in the past few weeks. I also pray for all the people who are in the same forum here & other forums. I pray they are made well, whole & complete. My list today is to breathe, look at the trees, be grateful for everything & hope that tomorrow my heart doesn't think of him as much or hurt as much. I feel he cut me off because who I thought he was isn't who he is - and he knows it. And of course, he loves his lifestyle, the drinking & using when he wants. & he loves his enablers who will roll with him & his lifestyle and that I won't. I'm learning my love can't fix it or save him. His uncle & sister and family all thought I was a sweet girl. His uncle said "You're lovely" the sister said, she hoped "she would see me again" I realized something, through my love & kindness - I'm not going to take the blame on me for the break up. I really wanted it to work & tried. But I remember after every weekend / Saturday night it was the same thing .., him sleeping it off at my house - and I detest the smell of alcohol. A couple of times I couldn't even lay next to him because of the odor. It was horrible. ..but that's the past.
Well, though, today is a new day, the sun is shining. Let's rejoice because God has given us today. Thanks FeelingGreat, I would of responded earlier but I just saw your response thank you for taking time out to type. God bless you
Sorry, i wasn't clear. He & I don't live together. He lives with an male family member. His place & my home are about 2.5 miles apart. I like the list you spoke of though. Everyday is a day to reflect, heal, & move forward. I love the SR website and the kind folks like yourself & others who have written back to me in the past few weeks. I also pray for all the people who are in the same forum here & other forums. I pray they are made well, whole & complete. My list today is to breathe, look at the trees, be grateful for everything & hope that tomorrow my heart doesn't think of him as much or hurt as much. I feel he cut me off because who I thought he was isn't who he is - and he knows it. And of course, he loves his lifestyle, the drinking & using when he wants. & he loves his enablers who will roll with him & his lifestyle and that I won't. I'm learning my love can't fix it or save him. His uncle & sister and family all thought I was a sweet girl. His uncle said "You're lovely" the sister said, she hoped "she would see me again" I realized something, through my love & kindness - I'm not going to take the blame on me for the break up. I really wanted it to work & tried. But I remember after every weekend / Saturday night it was the same thing .., him sleeping it off at my house - and I detest the smell of alcohol. A couple of times I couldn't even lay next to him because of the odor. It was horrible. ..but that's the past.
Well, though, today is a new day, the sun is shining. Let's rejoice because God has given us today. Thanks FeelingGreat, I would of responded earlier but I just saw your response thank you for taking time out to type. God bless you
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