EmmyG

I went by the house to pick up the boys (AH has been in bed the last couple days) but his mom is here and I let her pick them up and take them to the park). While there, I got into it with AH. He went on about how I nag him, and how I accuse him of being abusive. He said when he put his hand on my throat it was a "JOKE!!!!" He said "You said you were going to scream, I was doing it to make a point like 'you can't scream if I do this.'" OMG. I told him that's insane. He's on anxiety pills so he's not even 100% able to put a sentence together. Anyway, I got SO angry at that, at being accused of exaggerating or being dramatic. His mom actually took me aside and said "He's not well. I'm afraid if he gets too upset he'll have another seizure." That made me even more mad! He's 35 years old!

That's exactly why I can't talk to him. I see how manipulative it is, and gas lighting...He knows full well that he was angry when he did that to me. I know he didn't actually attempt to choke me, but putting his hands on me was bad enough. How dare he let himself off the hook like that.

He then said something like "well back home, people stick together." Insinuating that I'm bailing on him or something. He forgot about the part where he texted my mother inappropriate texts the other night while drunk "to get you to leave me for good." He went on in front of his mom about how annoying and nagging I am. He said he's going to be a model father and human being when he gets away from me. That made me so mad. Of course I'm crazy, and dramatic. I'm married to someone who can't leave the house on his own without getting drink and either ending up in the hospital or jail. But no, our marriage didn't work because "we just don't go together."

This is good though...I'm getting angry. I never could get angry enough, he always found a way to make me turn the blame to myself. It's crazy town over here.

suki44883

You know the truth about what happened the night he shoved you against the wall and put his hand around your throat. That's all that matters. It's natural for an addict to let himself off the hook by saying it was a joke. He is in complete denial.

It would probably be best to limit your exposure to him to the bare minimum. Maybe meet your MIL at the corner so you don't have to go to the house? When you do have to be around him, ignore him as much as possible. He is trying to get you to engage in front of his mother so he can say to her...See?? She's totally unreasonable!

ladyscribbler

Ugh, I got a lot of this same type of nonsense after I left for good. The denial, blame shifting, gaslighting. He has to make his behavior OK, and the only way to do that is if you're the crazy one. But you know the truth.
Sad when they're so sick they truly can't see themselves. I felt a lot of anger when I was at that point too.
Thanks for posting. Take care.

Hawkeye13

What about the No Contact idea Emmy?

His mother is there if you really need to communicate anything--you don't have to talk
to him directly.

Glad you are doing better--I really think anger is a healthy sign here.

Seren

Excellent vent, Emmy! Vent away here all you want to....and remember the source of the accusations that you are all these 'horrible' things, right?

Your husband will say and do whatever it takes so that HE does not have to address HIS issues...and there is nothing you can do to change that.

But, you can protect your children and have a joy-filled life!

redatlanta

I am not sure if what I am getting ready to tell you is correct but it worked for me.

When my husband relapsed he would say at times horrible things about me and passive aggressive crap like yours is. I would step in to the argument trying to prove him wrong. More for me of a need to be right (cause I was). Its seriously like walking in a circle because with each defense you come up with leads to another path that isn't even about what you were arguing about in the first place.

Sooo.......I started agreeing with him. "you are a NAG" I would say "yep". That's it. "You are a terrible person" 'Yep". "Yep" and "You're Right" is all I would engage with because there is nothing more to say. That it was so ludicrous was obvious and left him with nowhere to turn because I refused to argue I just simply agreed. For some reason I lost the desire to prove to him anything, and I got to the point that I could care less if he REALLY believed the sh1t he said about me.

The best thing of course is to just avoid him at all costs. The second best thing would be to ignore anything that he says and not respond at all.

wanttobehealthy

I still believe it would benefit you tremendously to make a police report of his strangling you.

This time he stopped. What if your son didn't come in?

And of course he will deny it and minimize it bc that is what abusers do.

He may be an alcoholic but he is also an abuser. Alcohol doesn't turn someone into an abuser...

An abuser is able to control his abuse and your AH stopped when your child came in. That shows he was in full control of what he was doing and is very very worrysome.

I recommend Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?... Inside the minds of controlling and abusive men".

It was very eye opening for me and I still refer back to it to keep my sanity when my own abusive xAH is being, well, himself... and being abusive...

Your AH wants you to doubt yourself and be upset. Don't give him the satisfaction of showing him you are either....

LoveMeNow

I always felt the need to be right, common characteristics of codependents and addicts, btw. I would debate it, argue it, and even rage, non stop with my husband. Eventually, I realized I was allowing the abuse to continue by hearing his manipulation and gas lighting. In fact, at times I think I went looking for it because I just needed my fix of his attention, abusive or not.

I knew the truth but I wanted him to know it, admit it and offer to get help. It was really a sick dance that I often started. Today, I don't care what he thinks. I would prefer not knowing, lol I can stand in my own truth now and that's all that counts.

Carlotta

He is transferring the blame onto you: common abuser tactic. Do yourself a favor and go no contact for a while and please do not listen to his evil angry quacking

Chelsea1029

Oh "joking" I have heard that so many times about AH's inappropriate behavior and that I have no sense of humor...they are all so similar.
Try to limit contact as much as possible? That's what I'm trying for...it's hard not to engage and get upset by the nonsense.
Take care

EmmyG

I've found that the second I have contact with him, I'm overcome with frustration. I'm restraining myself from talking to him - the hard part is, now I'm feeling a LOT of anger. It's built up over a long time. I'm glad I'm feeling it, but I just want to explode at him. I know it's a waste of time to try to express any of it to him, I just need to stay away completely.

hopeful4

QUACK QUACK QUACK. See it for what it is. I doubt "back home" people were putting their hands around the throats of another.

Be strong and STOP TALKING TO HIM! If he speaks, completely ignore him. This is not helping you.

Tight Hugs. Hopefully his mom will take him back across the pond w/her!

suncatcher

My A has raised his fist to me several times, even though he never came down on my face with it, it felt like a threatening gesture to me. He doesn't even remember doing it the one time because he was drunk. The other time he was sober (and irritable because he was sober) and did apologize for that one. But still he made light of it saying, "You know I would never hit you." and he never has but why even raise your fist at someone then? I think its good that you vent here and know you are safe to say anything you feel. I agree with going no contact for a while and detaching as much as you can. Hugs