mrrryah

OK – first of all, that was messed up. I forgot my login/password, and accidentally signed into an old SR account I must have created almost exactly 4 years ago. I had no idea this old account even existed. I read the posts I made back then – so crazy and so depressing. So depressing because I’m 3 days sober today. 4 years later.

A 1 day relapse. I embarrassed myself, made a bunch of my AA friends unhappy with me, did some wierd stuff. Drove. But nothing catastrophic actually happened.

So, I have lost the motivation to do this thing. Immediately after my relapse, I reached out & asked a girl friend of mine with great sobriety if she would take me through the steps. She has lots of experience sponsoring and has had lots of successful sponsees.

She suggested we start this Friday. I agreed.

I want to cancel. I don’t want to do the steps. It’s pointless, I’ve tried doing them before and never succeeded in my sobriety. Plus I have a lot of embarrassing stuff that I really don’t feel ready to share with anyone. And I don’t have the motivation to dig deep or put any sort of work in.

I feel like I’m never going to be successful so why even try, especially when I’m not feeling determined or motivated. I fail even when I think I am so determined there’s no WAY I can fail.

I have a strong feeling this is just going to go on and on, maybe for years, maybe months, maybe weeks, I don’t know, until I end up in treatment again, or die of this thing.

It’s too hard to get myself out of the hole I’ve dug right now. I just don’t have the strength or energy for it.

Defeated.

Aarryckha

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. We all have them. You are reaching out for help so that, to me, means you really want help to quit.

As far as the embarrassing stuff you don't want to share, have you considered just writing them in a journal? It's not telling anyone per se but at least it won't be bottled up any more. Perhaps seek help from a professional counselor?

Don't sell yourself short. I think you do want this and you can do it. One day at a time.

ICanDoIt4Them

I am new to this also. Have been drinking on and off with extremely heavy times since I was 23 and I am 28 now. I actually feel defeated too...defeated because I have let something have control of me. I want control of my life and I know that this process is going to suck badly and there will be times when the urges will be very strong. I just want to wake up and enjoy the day and not think about a drink. Wish you the best

Dee74

Like I said in your other thread you never know what might work for you.
I'd be looking and trying all the options open to me.

Ok, you've tried the steps before - but this is now - with a new sponsor you might find it beneficial

mimi2014

mrrryah - I had almost the exact same thoughts this morning. I woke up thinking, "Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?" Would someone please tell me why I am even bothering? I am so unhappy.. who gives a crap? This stupid disease we are stuck with makes us feel this way. There is a way out of feeling this way and there is a way to feel better. Stick to it, give it some time, work the steps and come to this board. It has been wonderfully inspiring to me. It took me almost 3 hours to get out my my pity funk this morning, You can do this.. You can succeed. Just keep telling yourself that. Fake it till you make it, just don't drink/use.

Ruby2

I feel like you do sometimes. Why, why, why and it is pointless to even try. But you must want to try or you wouldn't be here. I have a suggestion about it which is scary but for me was ultimately very liberating. Meet your friend as planned and tell her every single thing that you wrote in this post. Everything. Including that you wanted to cancel and why. Get it off your chest and out on the table. When I started doing that it was freeing. I felt a lot better. It's like sweeping the cobwebs or cleaning the lint trap. Get rid of it. You will feel better for it.

I'm sorry you are having a tough day.

jutam

I was sitting down at my computer to write out my step one, and was procrastinating, because I cant be bothered either.... and the first post I looked at as I logged on was yours..... I cant stop trying.... or whats left, me and a bottle, and that sucks worse than fighting for recovery yet again... In the past I have completely related to how you feel
keep pushing through... it does get better.......