Finding strength and my (better) voice
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Finding strength and my (better) voice
My A returned home from rehab last weekend. The entire week was almost oddly blissful. He's amazed me with his strength and courage. Drive. Realizations. Has said the most incredible things to me. It's almost unbelievable. He's working his outpatient program. Working AA. Strengthening good relationships. Severing bad ones.
I have been diligently working on my recovery. Attending therapy. Attending Al-Anon. Focusing on myself. Healthy outlets for my feelings and frustrations.
We are in a good place right now. I am being realistic but also want to practice positivity and gratitude. It's very important for me to do that. We have barely gotten into an argument. The few that have surround his mental competency right now. I have been able to remove myself and my emotions from them - ok, I will be honest, not ALL of them, but I am seeing my work pay off! So much of it is his brain wiring. Trauma in childhood. Major depression. ADD. Has only known alcohol as a coping strategy. It's made all the pain and anger go away (or has it?). He sees that he is not wired properly, that it will take awhile for his brain to recover. It doesn't stop those moments from happening. It's been helpful to read and talk with others, to know it is not me. It is not about me. Never has been.
He keeps saying, "We are really getting along better." Like it's surprising. Like he actually believes that this entire time, we have been the dysfunction. He and I separately have been the dysfunction. But that space that we share, that beautiful, wonderful space, that man I fell in love with and the woman he adores, we are still here. We have barely made it through this, but we are still here. It's shocking and annoying and disheartening and saddening to hear him say that.
I am writing to say I am struggling today. He had a rough night last night - really shameful and beating himself up. He says he feels like a loser. If only he knew what I thought (and others thought) of him before - now THAT was a loser. We had our first scheduled "date night" - a concept created by his clinician at rehab. He started it by saying he wasn't feeling great. That's code for "I want to cancel but I won't say so." I had a feeling that it was going to be anxiety-ridden. I think having that one on one time with me terrifies him even though it is just the two of us in the house. We went to dinner. I had planned a few healthy activities to follow dinner, knowing fully we wouldn't do any of them.
As I thought, we had dinner - we had a nice time together. I don't remember smiling and laughing like this in a long time. He turned the conversation to his recovery. It won't leave his mind. But then he gets freaked when we talk about it too long. Asks me what I want to do - I turn the tables around and say that he owes me nothing - to say let's do something and resent me the whole time because he doesn't want to - what is that? That is crappy past experience and I don't want it now.
We went home and watched TV together. Before he went to sleep he apologized - "it's not you - it's the way I am thinking. I am worried that everything is good and I will f* it all up. That's what I have always done. So it makes me think why bother, I should just tell you to go and live out the few years I have left as a drunk."
Tell me - HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THAT? I didn't. I was proud of myself then and proud of myself this morning when I read my morning affirmations. I did say, "It's only fear talking. It's yours to think about and let go if you choose." He did say he knows that and told me that I was his rock and he went to sleep.
Shift to today - he doesn't go into work. He was going to come in at noon. He just decided not to. I called around lunch and knowing he was home, asked if he'd like me to bring some food home for both of us since we rarely get to enjoy lunch together. I got food. Came home. He is in sweats. "I'm not going in." I can tell by the look on his face that he's dealing with demons today. He is supposed to go to group tonight. I don't engage with the bad stuff. I simply sit there and chit chat. Eat my sandwich. I said (apparently mistakenly) the following, "Well it's a beautiful day out. Do me a favor and go for a walk and get some fresh air." BAM.
Like I had screamed at him that he was a horrible person, that he was useless, that he should never have been born, etc., he lashes out at me that he will do what he pleases, that if he doesn't want to, I need to respect that he doesn't. He chooses what we wants to do. He doesn't owe me anything. How dare I put in a request! Request denied...
I am so shocked and flabbergasted by what comes back at me as a hostile assault...I can rationalize it a little that it is his warped thinking. That I chose the wrong words maybe...but c'mon! At what point do you own it and say, wow, I totally freaked out at you for no reason.
We had one of those oh-so-familiar moments where he got frustrated out of NOWHERE and yelled at me. It was about nothing. Happened before I could even rationalize it. I felt I handled it the best way I could. I asked him to stop yelling and said I really didn't understand why he was choosing to act like that. I found it to be displacement for his own unsatisfactory feelings with himself.
Before, all I could do was yell back and burst into tears. My frustration became part of my body. I was sick with constant anxiety and didn't realize it. My anger became such a large part of me. I couldn't even approach a simple conversation without resentment. This time and with all my teaching, I stayed as calm as possible. He is provoking me. He wants me to have a fearful response so he can justify his behavior. I think I did the best I could do given the situation. Yet somehow I have spent the last 3 hours obsessively thinking about it. I am even rationalizing it to myself that I shouldn't be thinking about it - but it's soooooooo ingrained in me. He was wrong to snap like that. I walked away. I did what I told him I would do. I simply asked him to stop yelling and walked away. As I walked away, he yelled at me "Why are you the only one who gets to talk?!" As I type, I am even shaking my head. What?! I came back into the room and said, "I really don't understand why you are upset with me. I am sorry if I did upset you. I was trying to say..." and before I can finish he cuts me off with "I got it." I reply with "I need to feel respected in my own home. I need to be able to speak" which retorts with "Oh so you can and I can't - how typical" and launches into an onslaught of swears and nastiness. I start to buckle under the weight of the entire thing and he then picks at my trembling voice - "Oh what, you are going to cry now?" I sternly (but still calmly) said, "I wouldn't be crying if you would stop being so unreasonable and be respectful, as you had agreed." I then left the house.
I can't force him to do anything. I don't want to force him to do anything. He is constantly assessing my actions, behaviors, words as threats to him. It's this awful space to be in - his success will be a large part of our relationship's success. I so badly want to be supportive and helpful and respectful and give him the space to figure out his stride - and at the same time I want to just grab him by the shoulders and shake him!!!
You can't act like this to me and expect a supportive person!!! AREADGKLDGJKSDLJGKLSDG.
Needed to vent.
Will it always be like this? I so badly wanted the hot/cold, high/low to die DIE DIE DIE. But it's still here. Because what I need to remember, the alcoholic is still here. The alcohol may be gone, but his brain and his thinking are very much the same as when the alcohol was here.
Anyone have any suggestions? Good books to read, or things to do to help? I can feel the frustration and resentment seeping back in today.
Agreement with myself: get your butt walking, go to the gym, hit the heavy bag in the basement, do Wii exercises - just DO SOMETHING! to get that energy out.
I have been diligently working on my recovery. Attending therapy. Attending Al-Anon. Focusing on myself. Healthy outlets for my feelings and frustrations.
We are in a good place right now. I am being realistic but also want to practice positivity and gratitude. It's very important for me to do that. We have barely gotten into an argument. The few that have surround his mental competency right now. I have been able to remove myself and my emotions from them - ok, I will be honest, not ALL of them, but I am seeing my work pay off! So much of it is his brain wiring. Trauma in childhood. Major depression. ADD. Has only known alcohol as a coping strategy. It's made all the pain and anger go away (or has it?). He sees that he is not wired properly, that it will take awhile for his brain to recover. It doesn't stop those moments from happening. It's been helpful to read and talk with others, to know it is not me. It is not about me. Never has been.
He keeps saying, "We are really getting along better." Like it's surprising. Like he actually believes that this entire time, we have been the dysfunction. He and I separately have been the dysfunction. But that space that we share, that beautiful, wonderful space, that man I fell in love with and the woman he adores, we are still here. We have barely made it through this, but we are still here. It's shocking and annoying and disheartening and saddening to hear him say that.
I am writing to say I am struggling today. He had a rough night last night - really shameful and beating himself up. He says he feels like a loser. If only he knew what I thought (and others thought) of him before - now THAT was a loser. We had our first scheduled "date night" - a concept created by his clinician at rehab. He started it by saying he wasn't feeling great. That's code for "I want to cancel but I won't say so." I had a feeling that it was going to be anxiety-ridden. I think having that one on one time with me terrifies him even though it is just the two of us in the house. We went to dinner. I had planned a few healthy activities to follow dinner, knowing fully we wouldn't do any of them.
As I thought, we had dinner - we had a nice time together. I don't remember smiling and laughing like this in a long time. He turned the conversation to his recovery. It won't leave his mind. But then he gets freaked when we talk about it too long. Asks me what I want to do - I turn the tables around and say that he owes me nothing - to say let's do something and resent me the whole time because he doesn't want to - what is that? That is crappy past experience and I don't want it now.
We went home and watched TV together. Before he went to sleep he apologized - "it's not you - it's the way I am thinking. I am worried that everything is good and I will f* it all up. That's what I have always done. So it makes me think why bother, I should just tell you to go and live out the few years I have left as a drunk."
Tell me - HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THAT? I didn't. I was proud of myself then and proud of myself this morning when I read my morning affirmations. I did say, "It's only fear talking. It's yours to think about and let go if you choose." He did say he knows that and told me that I was his rock and he went to sleep.
Shift to today - he doesn't go into work. He was going to come in at noon. He just decided not to. I called around lunch and knowing he was home, asked if he'd like me to bring some food home for both of us since we rarely get to enjoy lunch together. I got food. Came home. He is in sweats. "I'm not going in." I can tell by the look on his face that he's dealing with demons today. He is supposed to go to group tonight. I don't engage with the bad stuff. I simply sit there and chit chat. Eat my sandwich. I said (apparently mistakenly) the following, "Well it's a beautiful day out. Do me a favor and go for a walk and get some fresh air." BAM.
Like I had screamed at him that he was a horrible person, that he was useless, that he should never have been born, etc., he lashes out at me that he will do what he pleases, that if he doesn't want to, I need to respect that he doesn't. He chooses what we wants to do. He doesn't owe me anything. How dare I put in a request! Request denied...
I am so shocked and flabbergasted by what comes back at me as a hostile assault...I can rationalize it a little that it is his warped thinking. That I chose the wrong words maybe...but c'mon! At what point do you own it and say, wow, I totally freaked out at you for no reason.
We had one of those oh-so-familiar moments where he got frustrated out of NOWHERE and yelled at me. It was about nothing. Happened before I could even rationalize it. I felt I handled it the best way I could. I asked him to stop yelling and said I really didn't understand why he was choosing to act like that. I found it to be displacement for his own unsatisfactory feelings with himself.
Before, all I could do was yell back and burst into tears. My frustration became part of my body. I was sick with constant anxiety and didn't realize it. My anger became such a large part of me. I couldn't even approach a simple conversation without resentment. This time and with all my teaching, I stayed as calm as possible. He is provoking me. He wants me to have a fearful response so he can justify his behavior. I think I did the best I could do given the situation. Yet somehow I have spent the last 3 hours obsessively thinking about it. I am even rationalizing it to myself that I shouldn't be thinking about it - but it's soooooooo ingrained in me. He was wrong to snap like that. I walked away. I did what I told him I would do. I simply asked him to stop yelling and walked away. As I walked away, he yelled at me "Why are you the only one who gets to talk?!" As I type, I am even shaking my head. What?! I came back into the room and said, "I really don't understand why you are upset with me. I am sorry if I did upset you. I was trying to say..." and before I can finish he cuts me off with "I got it." I reply with "I need to feel respected in my own home. I need to be able to speak" which retorts with "Oh so you can and I can't - how typical" and launches into an onslaught of swears and nastiness. I start to buckle under the weight of the entire thing and he then picks at my trembling voice - "Oh what, you are going to cry now?" I sternly (but still calmly) said, "I wouldn't be crying if you would stop being so unreasonable and be respectful, as you had agreed." I then left the house.
I can't force him to do anything. I don't want to force him to do anything. He is constantly assessing my actions, behaviors, words as threats to him. It's this awful space to be in - his success will be a large part of our relationship's success. I so badly want to be supportive and helpful and respectful and give him the space to figure out his stride - and at the same time I want to just grab him by the shoulders and shake him!!!
You can't act like this to me and expect a supportive person!!! AREADGKLDGJKSDLJGKLSDG.Needed to vent.
Will it always be like this? I so badly wanted the hot/cold, high/low to die DIE DIE DIE. But it's still here. Because what I need to remember, the alcoholic is still here. The alcohol may be gone, but his brain and his thinking are very much the same as when the alcohol was here.
Anyone have any suggestions? Good books to read, or things to do to help? I can feel the frustration and resentment seeping back in today.
Agreement with myself: get your butt walking, go to the gym, hit the heavy bag in the basement, do Wii exercises - just DO SOMETHING! to get that energy out.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Hi finding, it have been in your situation but my AXBF never got help. He did and still does try to provoke me with rude comments that seem to come out of nowhere. For me, the Solution was to move to another town an hour away from him. It's my sanctuary away from all the drama and a place where it can work on myself. I know that's not always possible but find a happy place you enjoy and go there when you need to detach. It could be a gym, a library, Starbucks. Whatever makes you feel peaceful. I also listen to music a lot when I want to clear my head. I hope this helps. Sounds like you are doing well by not engaging him. Just take care of you 
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
"it's not you - it's the way I am thinking. I am worried that everything is good and I will f* it all up. That's what I have always done. So it makes me think why bother, I should just tell you to go and live out the few years I have left as a drunk."
That sounds like something he ought to share with a sponsor. His recovery is his responsibility. He shouldn't be dumping this stuff on you.
That sounds like something he ought to share with a sponsor. His recovery is his responsibility. He shouldn't be dumping this stuff on you.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Findingmyself14-
What kind of support do you have for you?
The reason I ask is that I had to come to realize that I could not change (even if I said it perfectly) someone else's reaction or behavior....but I could change how I responded to it.
I used to blame myself if there was a bad reaction on another's part it was because I "did" it wrong. Therapy for me has helped me sort a lot of that out (I had a lot of other support, but therapy for me in this instance was the kicker).
When in it I still have to remember that awareness (I don't like what just happened) is a step forward from denial (or in my case blaming myself). After the awareness I can start to accept and then change.
Hugs to you.
What kind of support do you have for you?
The reason I ask is that I had to come to realize that I could not change (even if I said it perfectly) someone else's reaction or behavior....but I could change how I responded to it.
I used to blame myself if there was a bad reaction on another's part it was because I "did" it wrong. Therapy for me has helped me sort a lot of that out (I had a lot of other support, but therapy for me in this instance was the kicker).
When in it I still have to remember that awareness (I don't like what just happened) is a step forward from denial (or in my case blaming myself). After the awareness I can start to accept and then change.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 79
Oh man, that ticking time bomb of an RA in early recovery, it's so difficult to deal with, to say the least. Anything I say or do to my RAH usually gets the response of, "You don't need to tell me what to do!" It's ridiculous, but it must be part of their alcoholic brain that is wired to be on edge. My RAH is 4 months into sobriety and that has not subsided yet at all, it's still a daily emotional rollercoaster with occasional angry outbursts and/or periods of silence and depression. I meanwhile, am standing by, trying to be supportive in whatever way I know how, taking care of our house and kids and letting him have all the space he needs. I am trying to somewhat detach from his emotional struggles, when I try to get involved and "help" it ends poorly. He gets agitated and mad at me, like I don't understand him and I'm just annoying him. I don't know what answers to give you, just come here to SR and vent, that's what I do! Good luck to you, hang in there. I hope our patience and unconditional love pay off in the end.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
oh honey, he's only been out of rehab for one week. one week back in the REAL world, only this time without his little helper to get by. I am no saying you need to take any crap off him, for ANY reason, but he is in a really fragile state. best not to expect much more than him successfully getting on a pair of matching socks. or maybe just socks, non matching.
he's gonna have to figure all this out on hi own. what works for him. it might be a good idea for you two to agree to NOT discuss HIS recovery related issues on a daily basis. he has outlets for that. but this also means he is not allowed to take his frustration and anxiety and anger out on you. you aren't the house punching bag. your aren't his therapist, sponsor or fellow recovering addict.
it's like you need a Teflon cape....and you need to unhook from HIS stuff a bit more. it's only been a week. it might even be a bit soon for date nights and trying to simply resume a the picture of a "normal" life....it won't just go away and be all fixed by June. the first year of recovery is a rocky rough path....really it isn't until the 2nd year that the addict/alcoholic really settles down, has enough sober time under their belt for their brains and bodies to detox and heal. at 5 years things get really good and steady, providing the individual has retained a consistent program of recovery and done a lot of interior work to clean out the garbage.
he's gonna have to figure all this out on hi own. what works for him. it might be a good idea for you two to agree to NOT discuss HIS recovery related issues on a daily basis. he has outlets for that. but this also means he is not allowed to take his frustration and anxiety and anger out on you. you aren't the house punching bag. your aren't his therapist, sponsor or fellow recovering addict.
it's like you need a Teflon cape....and you need to unhook from HIS stuff a bit more. it's only been a week. it might even be a bit soon for date nights and trying to simply resume a the picture of a "normal" life....it won't just go away and be all fixed by June. the first year of recovery is a rocky rough path....really it isn't until the 2nd year that the addict/alcoholic really settles down, has enough sober time under their belt for their brains and bodies to detox and heal. at 5 years things get really good and steady, providing the individual has retained a consistent program of recovery and done a lot of interior work to clean out the garbage.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Finding Yourself,
Some of this ragged behavior with my RAH I attributed to HALT. I have written about my H throwing off anger balls and devouring food. You are welcome to search thru my posts. It seems to me a cross between hypoglycemia and a tantrum.
Here is a previous thread about HALT
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...halt-work.html
Some of this ragged behavior with my RAH I attributed to HALT. I have written about my H throwing off anger balls and devouring food. You are welcome to search thru my posts. It seems to me a cross between hypoglycemia and a tantrum.
Here is a previous thread about HALT
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...halt-work.html
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