An Update....

Old 03-19-2014, 12:04 PM
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An Update....

Well, I am just plugging away I guess. Saw AH yesterday just in exchange of children, he did not speak to me. Later send a text basically saying I want to be buds but he is mad. Really, he is mad??!! What about me. I responded nicely and said yes, I still care and hope he can find a way for us to coparent successfully. I keep putting it all back to the kids.

So today I call him this morning to figure out a schedule (my kids do want to see them and he is taking a sobriety test first). He basically said he plans to open his own accounts and will use the money we owe back to his sister for paying off his restution for an attorney. What??? My parents paid half of that money (this was $4k total, she paid two, my parents paid two). So I am at a place where I am not sure what to do. No way am I handing him $2k. However, I did think about saying here is $1k and I took $1k since my mother paid. I am also thinking about just saying tough, pay her back yourself. This $ came from our tax refund FYI.

I called two attorneys today as I have decided to use a different attorney after hearing a few things about the one I had thought I would use. I went today and opened a checking account in my name only. I also am opening a PO Box today and changing my banking and things like that to the PO box.

I can tell he has made a significant shift in attitude as he sees I am truly done.

My kids are up and down. My older daughter had a hard time last night, she was just quiet and hurting I know. My younger daughter is at least talking about things just a little.

It's really hard b/c he won't get his stuff out. I have to move forward and do it quickly, it is just super hard to get it all organized. Don't worry folks, there is 0% chance of me ever going back with him. I have officially shed 185 lbs in the form of one drunken man that I no longer have to be a mother to!

Thanks for letting me ramble away!
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Old 03-19-2014, 12:08 PM
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Sounds like you are doing the very best you can in a very, very tough situation. You are staying strong, and staying on your path! One step at a time, my friend. ((HUGS))
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Old 03-19-2014, 01:23 PM
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Hopeful, I'm sending you prayers today.

My husband turned ugly pretty quickly when it sank in that I was serious. While it made my path even clearer, it still hurt, and I found it confusing and mean. And it hurt even more to watch his interactions with the kids.

Great idea on the bank account and PO Box. I hate that I agree it's necessary, but nobody knows what might come next.

Put on your armor and keep rolling. Stay strong in yourself. You are doing truly difficult, amazing things.

Hugs!!!
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Old 03-19-2014, 02:48 PM
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Thank you. Both my kids called me crying after school b/c they saw him and he started crying. However, I can see they recover a little quicker as the days go on. I dunno, it is surely terrible, that is for sure.

I hate feeling all sneaky and doing these things, but they are necessary and I realize it.

Thank you for the prayers, keep them coming please!!!

XXX

Originally Posted by Praying View Post
Hopeful, I'm sending you prayers today.

My husband turned ugly pretty quickly when it sank in that I was serious. While it made my path even clearer, it still hurt, and I found it confusing and mean. And it hurt even more to watch his interactions with the kids.

Great idea on the bank account and PO Box. I hate that I agree it's necessary, but nobody knows what might come next.

Put on your armor and keep rolling. Stay strong in yourself. You are doing truly difficult, amazing things.

Hugs!!!
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Old 03-20-2014, 06:54 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
I hate feeling all sneaky and doing these things, but they are necessary and I realize it.

Thank you for the prayers, keep them coming please!!!

XXX
I don't think it's sneaky to open your own bank accounts, hopeful. It's a natural part of separating your life from his. I also don't think opening a PO box is sneaky. On the tax refund, we paid off a joint bill then split the balance 50/50 since it's joint property.

I'm sorry about your girls They will adjust, they just need time. Hugs, hopeful. Just keep taking care of you and everything else will follow.
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Old 03-20-2014, 07:07 AM
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...and hopeful... I can promise you, standing a year out from the split... my kids still have issues and concerns, but they have JOY. They have peace, they have a safe, consistent home, and they can relax. It's the single best gift I ever gave them. I can't believe I held it back for so long.

I know how heartbreaking it is to watch them as they struggle. At times I thought it would break me. Other times I thought it was all that kept me going.

You're doing amazing things, for them AND for you. Thank yourself today. (By my math they'll thank you in about 22 more years, so you should start sooner.) They were going to feel this agony somehow...whether delayed in small pieces or ripped off at once. And they know you love them.

Smile at yourself today. Try to release your guilt, your intentions are pure.

More prayers and hugs...
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Old 03-20-2014, 07:07 AM
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Hope you find a good lawyer but I'm pretty sure you can backdate your separation to the night you left -- that means any money transfers he does after that date could theoretically be illegal.

It sounds like you're moving forward and getting stuff done. That's awesome. Good for you!
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Old 03-20-2014, 07:41 AM
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Well, I guess yesterday he had the big realization. He apparently was in a really bad frame of mind. He came and told our girls it's official. He told them I am a good person and that I stuck it out for years and could not do it anymore and that was his fault. He was crying so he left. Now I know that is why my girls were crying, but by the time I got home they were ok. We went and had some retail therapy LOL (like I really need to be spending money, geez).

The people from Celebrate Recovery texted me how to get to his sisters number as he had apparently sent a message to his friend at CR that alarmed him. Luckily he was fine, I spoke to his sister who said he was fine. The lovely people at CR said I should not worry about it, they are his support system, not me and that I just need to take care of me and my girls. If they were in front of me I would have hugged them tight. What a wonderful bunch of people, they are AMAZING.

He is taking the girls to a habachi restaurant tonight, they have never been so that will be fun for them. He told them he is going to have to move his stuff out soon (yay) and on the phone this morning when speaking about the kids was decent to me. It is just going to be ups and downs and I realize that. Older daughter asked when her counseling appt is, that is good. It's next Tuesday so that will help her.

Tonight I will get some down time without the kids to just hang out by myself and breathe. Going to clean house and bathe my dog lol.

I know it's going to be ok. I also know I have a freedom inside me I have not felt for years. Last night when I was at the mall I was not worried about what was he doing, I was not worried about what time to get home or any of it. It was just hanging out with my girls on our time, and that's a great thing.

Kids have both been sleeping w/me (and dog). Little daughter popped up and said, "It's too crowded in here, I am going back to my bed." I about fell over. It took us years to get her to sleep in her own bed and I thought she would be in mine now until college LOL. Surprise Surprise.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Thank you for letting me ramble on and all the support you lovelies have given me, I cannot tell you how much it means.

XXX
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Old 03-20-2014, 07:50 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
So today I call him this morning to figure out a schedule (my kids do want to see them and he is taking a sobriety test first). He basically said he plans to open his own accounts and will use the money we owe back to his sister for paying off his restution for an attorney. What??? My parents paid half of that money (this was $4k total, she paid two, my parents paid two). So I am at a place where I am not sure what to do. No way am I handing him $2k. However, I did think about saying here is $1k and I took $1k since my mother paid. I am also thinking about just saying tough, pay her back yourself. This $ came from our tax refund FYI.
Did you split the tax refund 1 and 1? I would not pay back HIS debt with YOUR money at all. He owes his sister, you do not. He needs to grow the hell up.
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Old 03-20-2014, 07:50 AM
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Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971 View Post
I don't think it's sneaky to open your own bank accounts, hopeful. It's a natural part of separating your life from his. I also don't think opening a PO box is sneaky. On the tax refund, we paid off a joint bill then split the balance 50/50 since it's joint property.

I'm sorry about your girls They will adjust, they just need time. Hugs, hopeful. Just keep taking care of you and everything else will follow.
Agreeing here, for sure. I opened up my own checking account a few years ago and told AH I was doing it. He was upset, but I told him it was because a friend of mine had her husband suddenly pass away and she had no credit to her name, no accounts in her own name, etc. She really struggled to get her own independence started because she had been a stay at home mom and relied on him for everything. He understood once I told him and I also have opened 3 credit cards in my name only and I use them every so often to prove that I am establishing my own credit.

Here's the kicker about my friend, too: her husband was a diabetic and they had separated at one point because she was upset that he wasn't managing his disease. He wouldn't take his meds, he wasn't setting the right example for his kids, etc (you get the picture). Sounds familiar, right? Well, after a few months he promised he'd take his meds and work on getting healthy. He did....for a short period of time and then he started lying to her about it. A few months later he died in a car crash, sent an 18 year old to the ICU for months, all because he wasn't taking care of his disease. He went into diabetic shock while he was driving, lost control of his car, and left behind 4 kids and a homeschooling stay at home mom.

It's amazing when I remember her story and I see the parallels between how we live as spouses of alcoholics and how she struggled being married to a diabetic. She's also one of the friends I have who I see has gained so much strength and perseverance after her husband's death. Her kids adjusted over time and she went back to school to get her nursing degree. She just graduated this year and found a full time job a few months ago. Life does move on for all of us, and your kids will adjust and accept what is going on, too, over time. Hugs and prayers for your family as you guys go through this transition!
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Old 03-20-2014, 07:59 AM
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The lovely people at CR said I should not worry about it, they are his support system, not me and that I just need to take care of me and my girls.
That's right.

I'm glad things are calmer and that he's being decent.
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Old 03-20-2014, 08:15 AM
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That all sounds good, hopeful. I'm glad you have such a great support network... and it sounds like he does, too, provided he uses it. I hope your dd clicks with her counselor
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Old 03-20-2014, 08:17 AM
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She has counseled with him in the past, they have a great relationship, so no worries there. She wants to go. My little one is the one I worry about as she is much less apt to opening up and I think she may just sit there and not respond. We will see.

XXX


Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971 View Post
That all sounds good, hopeful. I'm glad you have such a great support network... and it sounds like he does, too, provided he uses it. I hope your dd clicks with her counselor
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Old 03-20-2014, 09:16 AM
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Hopeful..what an amazing job you are doing! And I appreciate your step by step messages here, they are an encouragement to me should I ever have to do the same. Praying for you and the kiddos!
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Old 03-20-2014, 02:29 PM
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Well, because my friend Katchie here and hopefully anyone else may benefit from my sharing, I will share this afternoon. Got some texts that say I am not well emoationally, not drinking just not well. Because he is to take our kids tonight, I called him. He was sobbing, the entire nine yards. I am worried he may be suicidal and I called his sister and told her that.

I told him he has to be strong for our girls and that they need a strong father in their lives. He is a mess. I don't want to limit his time w/the girls but something is going to have to change b/c when he gets upset they feed off that and they get upset. What a roller coaster. Even he admitted he feels one way one second and another way the next.

I got the motion going with my attorney of choice today. I am going to just try to give it to his sister and get it signed so we can get this going, I think being served may push him over the edge at this point. What a hellish mess.

I think all I have left is to pray. I ask those of you who pray to please include my family during this difficult time.

Thank you and God Bless!
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Old 03-21-2014, 11:33 AM
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I am sort of in the same boat as Emmy...I feel the need to keep updating to keep myself sane, and you people certainly help me with that!

I can see my kids are getting usto the situation. Last night he took them to dinner, they had a good time. He was weepy after he dropped them off, they just said, "Bye Dad," and went to play on the trampoline.

Tonight they are staying w/him at his sisters house. My niece will be in from college for the weekend and my other niece lives there, so they will have fun. He is taking them to the movies tomorrow during the day then bringing them home.

He got paid today so I paid bills and sent him an email of what I paid. He got a little pi$$y about $ but nothing major. Glad to be done with that for the day. I paid them all via my debit card so they would immediately come out of our account as I have this fear he will clean that account out. I have my own account also but need part of his check at this point too as these are joint bills I am paying.

He seems up and down and all over the place. I hate to say, I don't have much respect. He caused this, not me. I also told him he has to be strong for the kids and he sort of just brushed me off about that which does not build much respect either.

So today has officially been one week, and I can only say I am glad it's over.

I hope you all have a happy and peaceful weekend. Thank you so much for bearing with me and letting me ramble on!
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Old 03-21-2014, 11:41 AM
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I will be praying for you and your family. You're a doing great so far!
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Old 03-21-2014, 11:42 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
I am sort of in the same boat as Emmy...I feel the need to keep updating to keep myself sane, and you people certainly help me with that!

I can see my kids are getting usto the situation. Last night he took them to dinner, they had a good time. He was weepy after he dropped them off, they just said, "Bye Dad," and went to play on the trampoline.

Tonight they are staying w/him at his sisters house. My niece will be in from college for the weekend and my other niece lives there, so they will have fun. He is taking them to the movies tomorrow during the day then bringing them home.

He got paid today so I paid bills and sent him an email of what I paid. He got a little pi$$y about $ but nothing major. Glad to be done with that for the day. I paid them all via my debit card so they would immediately come out of our account as I have this fear he will clean that account out. I have my own account also but need part of his check at this point too as these are joint bills I am paying.

He seems up and down and all over the place. I hate to say, I don't have much respect. He caused this, not me. I also told him he has to be strong for the kids and he sort of just brushed me off about that which does not build much respect either.

So today has officially been one week, and I can only say I am glad it's over.

I hope you all have a happy and peaceful weekend. Thank you so much for bearing with me and letting me ramble on!
It sounds nice for your kids to be doing fun stuff with dad. I imagine that helps with the transition.

If his paycheck is direct deposited to your joint account, I would expect that he will redirect his paycheck to his personal account for the next pay period. Just be aware.

I understand the lost respect. It is hard to respect an adult who takes no responsibility and acts like a child.
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