Go easy on yourself?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Lost in the midwest
Posts: 443
Go easy on yourself?
Im sad today. My husband just texted me and asked me if I was drinking this morning. I was not. I was answering him back in one word answers and he didnt believe that I was sober. I did this to myself, because back in November, at this time of the morning, I was not sober. I was Drunk. I was drinking away the lonliness that I felt. (my kids were gone on a mini vaca with grandma and husband was out of town working) The weather today reminds me of that day. It was a very very sad day for me. I am home alone again, I took today off of work, to give myself a break.
Work has been insanely busy these last few weeks and its wearing me down. Yesterday was a mess at work and I literally was ready to blow my top. In rhetrospect, i wish i would have just blown my top instead of stopping at the liquor store. but instead i gave in and bought some wine. And i drank it down last night like it was going to change anything. (I know its not going to, I KNOW THIS) If anything, it makes it worse, always does.
Anyways, Im failing at recovery and I want it so bad. I want to be sober, and if I am brutally honest, I dont want to do the work. But I know that I need to. He has every right to be concerned, the thoughts did cross my mind this morning, basically because I dont want to face myself from last night. And nothing bad happened, but in usual fashion, I beat myself up every time i pick up a drink. Its just the way it is. And I know that it doesnt have to be this way, but it sure feels like its never going to change. And it wont change unless i get into action. The thing is, I am not an uneducated person, and it drives me nuts to be armed with this knowledge.
So, with that being said its time for me to go easy on myself, make another cup of coffee and read some of the big book. And get to a meeting, because I am sarah and I am an alcoholic. And i just want so bad to really accept that.
Work has been insanely busy these last few weeks and its wearing me down. Yesterday was a mess at work and I literally was ready to blow my top. In rhetrospect, i wish i would have just blown my top instead of stopping at the liquor store. but instead i gave in and bought some wine. And i drank it down last night like it was going to change anything. (I know its not going to, I KNOW THIS) If anything, it makes it worse, always does.
Anyways, Im failing at recovery and I want it so bad. I want to be sober, and if I am brutally honest, I dont want to do the work. But I know that I need to. He has every right to be concerned, the thoughts did cross my mind this morning, basically because I dont want to face myself from last night. And nothing bad happened, but in usual fashion, I beat myself up every time i pick up a drink. Its just the way it is. And I know that it doesnt have to be this way, but it sure feels like its never going to change. And it wont change unless i get into action. The thing is, I am not an uneducated person, and it drives me nuts to be armed with this knowledge.
So, with that being said its time for me to go easy on myself, make another cup of coffee and read some of the big book. And get to a meeting, because I am sarah and I am an alcoholic. And i just want so bad to really accept that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Lost in the midwest
Posts: 443
I completely agree. I have been coming here since 2011, and I have been attending meetings on and off for almost 2 years. Im not incapable of living sober. I refuse to believe that I cant do it. I can and will. Today is a new day and I have choices to make. Right now its easy to say "omg I cant drink ever again" or " i am going to find sobriety because this stuff just isnt worth it" !!! Because i feel like total crap.... its 5 days from now that I usually start to waver. I cant tell you how bad I want sobriety. Its time for me to do the work!
SeaScape
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: California
Posts: 313
Hi there
Do the work - you will be glad you did
It's not easy and I'm real new but I do know the cycles of trying to achieve (in this case sobriety) and not achieving are maddening and frustrating and wear on ones self.
It's hard - I rationalize in the evenings by doing the math: 3-4 hours of buzz compared to a minimum of a day of self-loathing and frustration. The fun is gone for me now and so if I drink I know I am just a slave to my addiction.
Feel better and have a good day dedicated to you!
Do the work - you will be glad you did
It's not easy and I'm real new but I do know the cycles of trying to achieve (in this case sobriety) and not achieving are maddening and frustrating and wear on ones self.
It's hard - I rationalize in the evenings by doing the math: 3-4 hours of buzz compared to a minimum of a day of self-loathing and frustration. The fun is gone for me now and so if I drink I know I am just a slave to my addiction.
Feel better and have a good day dedicated to you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 182
You said - I want to be sober, and if I am brutally honest, I dont want to do the work.
Um yea, that's like a dagger in my heart. Oh so sadly true of how I have carried on these past many years. I knew this but seeing it in your post really makes it real. Thanks for sharing. Hang in there. Many good people are here for you.
Um yea, that's like a dagger in my heart. Oh so sadly true of how I have carried on these past many years. I knew this but seeing it in your post really makes it real. Thanks for sharing. Hang in there. Many good people are here for you.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Montana
Posts: 151
I've never felt so positive about my sobriety until now. When I finally started to do the work. Day 2 yet again but it just feels different after that first step. Edit: I still feel sick from withdrawals but it's worth it. Be sick for a few days or be sick the rest of my life. Hmmmm?
Last edited by Fishinainteasy; 03-19-2014 at 11:44 AM. Reason: Had to add more stuffs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 4
I am a certified addiction counselor and I am recovering from a relapse. I have a wealth of knowledge at my disposal of how to live life yet I cannot change the fact I suffer from something far more powerful. I have told myself many nights, "never again", only to wake up filled with regret- As others have posted, beating yourself up is sooo bad for recovery. I have faith that you are strong enough to realize you deserve better. We are our own worst enemies, we fuel our addictions wth great ease, and the one way to fight back is to cast it all aside and focus on ourselves. We deserve love, happiness, and a better life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 623
Im sorry youre struggling, Im in the early stages so am a bit euphoric but I know this will wear off soon...
All I can say is Ive relapsed SO MANY times Ive lost count. This time feels slightly different as my drinking was terrible and I was dying. I honestly view alcohol now as such a poison, it offered no buzz or joy at the end. That is what I hold onto.
Good luck to you x
All I can say is Ive relapsed SO MANY times Ive lost count. This time feels slightly different as my drinking was terrible and I was dying. I honestly view alcohol now as such a poison, it offered no buzz or joy at the end. That is what I hold onto.
Good luck to you x
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
welcome back ontherightpath
I think we have to accept that getting sober is going to take a little work - but you're not alone here - there's tons of support
Why not join our Class of March support thread?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-4-a.html
D
I think we have to accept that getting sober is going to take a little work - but you're not alone here - there's tons of support
Why not join our Class of March support thread?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-4-a.html
D
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