tiredpartner

Hi there everyone!

so pleased i found this forum, others i have encountered have focused solely on the addict and how they are feeling, needs, wants.

bit of background information, ive been with my partner over 10 years, 2 kids and ive not long found out im pregnant again, i feel so stupid for letting this happen when our relationship is in the situation it is. he was a recovered opiate addict when i met him and spent 8 years clean. we moved in 2011, by early 2012 he had a new group of friends and started using heroin and other pain pills and i have spent the last two years on the merry go round im sure you all know.

currently hes clean, struggling massively, i can feel a relapse coming by his behavior. he has cut of all contact with other users bar one 'friend', this friend is very weak minded, insensitive, major mental issues and im coming to my wits ends because hes phoning my partner to get him stuff and its continually setting my partner on a downward spiral, but my partner feels as if he has to stick around because this friend will eventually kill himself, im done with said friend and want him gone out of our life.

hes been clean bar a few lapses here and there for over 6 months, the local drugs service is currently looking to put him on subutex and im not going to lie it doesnt sit well with me seeing as hes not in active addiction. hes not currently using and his life is as stable as its going to get im afraid, i cant see what good giving him an addiction problem now would do? any advice from partners of subutex/ subuxone users that can chime in and put my mind at rest, im worried its going to depersonalize him, make him emotionally numb, etc. when hes using, whether it is co codomol, heroin or tramadol i resent him and the fakeness that spills out of him because hes trying to act normal and is happier, im worried that same feeling will be there from subs. many other drugs workers ive spoke too, are also of the same opinion of me and cannot understand why they are pushing this on to him, when in theory naltrexone would be a better option.

im pregnant, hes thrilled, im not! says its giving him something to look forward too. im too wrapped up in his problem and the subutex issue to even care at this point. i need him here for me, ive been stuck with this problem for too long and its time the table were turned. how can this happen if they are going to spend the next year getting him comfortable on subutex and then reducing him. i know i might be being irrational, but i asked his drugs worker all these questions and all she did was skirt round the truth and ignore what i had to say. im worried they will bring him of and he will just get subutex of the streets, like he does with other pain medication prescriptions he has had before. i hate saying this but the man has little self control and i dont trust him to stick at the programme for starters. i just dont feel substituting him is right for us as a family, but its ultimately his choice.

the major thing at the minute is i feel im done, everything is relatively good in our lives despite how bad this post may sound, we are communicating, hes passing drugs tests, looks clean but im waiting for something to happen and feel so insecure now im carrying another baby. i dont even know what answers im looking for in the post but thanks to anyone who manages to make it all the way through. just wanted to get this off my chest with people who really understand me. so thank you in advance

incitingsilence

Well it is his recovery after all, if he wishes to go on Sub, then he does. Maybe stay in what your wrote, that it is ultimately his choice. It can be and is a good tool. You don’t have to like it, and sure shouldn’t be driving yourself crazy in the what if’s because no matter how you assign it in this moment you have no idea what the outcome will be for him.

They aren’t giving him an addiction problem, he already has that. It is easy to get clean, really much harder to stay that way. And it isn’t about what is right for the family, it is about what he needs to do for himself for his best chances. There is no promise of anything with him struggling, is there?

My husband went on sub clean, meaning he was out of wd. Did he use it wrong, of course. Do all addicts do that, no! Did he use it right, absolutely in his time. Do I think it helped, definitely. Was it my call to make, no way.

I am all for everyone no matter their side doing anything possible to give themselves a chance. If nothing else, this will be a learning experience for him. You don't have to like the choice he makes, and ultimately will have to figure out what choices you need to make for yourself, for a healthy, peaceful life. Figure out if you wish to live with someone who is an addict.

I have to ask, have you sought out any face to face help for yourself? Does the program he is looking into have any support for family members? If they do are you willing to go? This is where your best chances are.

Take good care of you!

KF85

We have had a good experience with the sub. He started when he started WD though. They just keep him normal and keep him from craving. They almost even him out in a way too so things are pretty good in that respect. I do like that you mention the new baby he says is something to look forward to, between that anticipation if he can focus on how important that is and the sub really does help, maybe he can really make it work.

tiredpartner

thank you both for you responses. i dont know what to say or do anymore if im honest. i need him soo bad right now because im scared, anxious and tired of this situation and the pregnancy. i love the man to death and have put my feelings aside for too long, now my feelings are coming to the surface and i need to concentrate on me for a while but im still wrapped up in his drug addiction.
im hiding my issues, i dont want to have a baby while dealing with this but its too late. i cant face the thought of something going wrong with his recovery and being left to it on my own, weeks ago when we found out i wanted to end the pregnancy, he convinced me it was right for us. it would all be ok, yet weeks later all this is popping up and i feel trapped and alone, i was spurred on by how happy he was and now hes done a massive turn around because one drugs worker appointment last week told him he should be on subutex and thats it.
i know its his decision, i will never take that away from him. but im not looking after myself because its all about him... all the time, ive had enough i think. my brains telling me that if the next 1/2/3 years are going to be him on subutex working towards recovery and still about him, his prescriptions, drugs appts etc im not strong enough for it anymore. i feel selfish saying that but its been too long.

i have been seeing a councilor related to the program he is on, stopped last year because he said everything was ok, he was clean and i didnt need to be dealing with places like that. ive rang up today and restarted the appts because i feel so alone. your replies have calmed my fears about the effects it will have on him so thank you