Compass7

So while back I posted for advice about St Patty's day. I was going to go out to dinner with a friend and not drink. Several of you told me not to go and I should have listened to everyone that it would be to hard to control my urges. You were right and I feel a bit stupid for posting this but it's my reality and another source for learning my lack of control. I kept pepping myself up for St Patty's Day. Everyday I would say in my head "I'm not going to drink, not going to drink." I was feeling so great being 2 weeks sober and I felt like I could do this. I couldn't. I did not get completely blitz like usual. I remember the whole night and remember walking past another bar at the end of the evening. I had that urge to go in after my friends left, but somehow I was strong enough to resist. This was impossible in the past. Maybe I am getting wiser and learning from all those miserable mornings of guilt, anger, depression, headache and upset stomach. I should have known I would not have control and why like all of you suggested for me to stay in and make my own party and/or dinner without alcohol around. I still think the two weeks of being sober and reading everyones post really kept me from drinking more. I know that it will not always be that way and I need to stick to a plan of avoiding bars and friends who are drinking if I am going to be sober. It's just TOO hard to turn a beverage down. What was I thinking! Despite having only 5 beers (usually would be 8 to 12) I still had a horrible headache, was anxious, and depressed. It is weird that it is so easy to forget this feeling and be able to realize one night of drinking is not worth a whole day of regret. It's like constantly yelling at a kid with their hand in the cookie jar. I need constant reminders and daily work to get through this. Starting over day 1.

suki44883

Starting over is great. Some keep going since they figure they effed up, might as well keep going. It is not a failure to drink if you learn something. It seems to me that once we come to a place like this and pour out our hearts and decide that we are done with drinking, we feel more guilty if we slip up and drink. I think it's because we know and we cannot unknow that we have finally admitted that we have a problem with alcohol.

Don't beat yourself up for this. It happens. The main thing is you realized that you aren't as strong as you thought you were. A lot of us make that mistake. You decided to get back up and try again. That is what is the most important thing. (((HUGS)))

SoberLeigh

There's still plenty of room on The Wagon so hop back on; we saved your seat.

Aarryckha

Hey, Compass. I'm sorry you had a hiccup. At least you learned from it.

Dust yourself and welcome back to sobriety!

/hugs

Dee74

Welcome back Compass

If you can learn something from the experience - and use that knowledge next time you feel tempted - then it's not been entirely wasted

D

freshstart57

I know you get this now, Compass, so this is for others who are reading your story here. If you are committed to getting sober and staying that way, please be kind to yourself. Give yourself every break, and make this as easy as possible for yourself. Do you really want to make this any harder than it is already? You can succeed, but to do that you need to make a plan that ensures it. And you can do it too!

Compass7

You know being around here, I love it because maybe in person at AA I couldn't say it. I even found myself wanting to lie about it today to people in my life that know that I want to quit. I was embarrassed and made the guilt feel worse. I did admit to it though. Thank you for saying I shouldn't beat myself up suki because I have been doing that really badly the last two years. You know SR reminds me of that phrase "I love you man!" You know when your friends get drunk and give you a big hug and tell ya how much they appreciate you kind of I love you. That's how I feel about all your support. It's good to read about those that still struggle... it is a negative thing, but it's the truth and at least we can share it here when it can be so hard to share elsewhere. I also admire hearing all the success stories and those that have been sober for awhile now. We gain strength from you and I love reading about your sober highs and lows.

bigsombrero

My rehab counselor used to just rail on me when I'd tell him stories like these. And he didn't pat me on the back, either. He told me it was a pretty dumb thing to do. It kinda worked for me. Maybe you need some hard advice in the future? I wrote something earlier but I see no reason to get too negative right now. Better luck next time - and I hope that "next time" is not in a bar or restaurant on St. Pat's.

Compass7

I'm good at making it harder than it already is, probably another reason why I liked to drink so I could try and silence the critic in my head. I will try to not be so hard on myself and focus on today. Thank you freshstart.

Compass7

Yes bigsombrero I do have someone that gives me hard advice for sure, they are supportive too, but they tell it as it is. Balanced advice is good. I don't want such hard advice that it breaks me, I am a bit of a sensitive person. I can handle a good talk of reality though. I am going to avoid the bar and be wiser from now on. Not having alcohol at home works wonders and I am a long ways from a liquor store. Avoidance is really the best thing. I do have hobbies that keep me busy, just have a lot of friends that like to drink and home brewer friends where I feel like I am missing out. With those people I haven't told yet, but wonder how they would feel. Does that matter though? They are good friends, so I would expect they would understand. If not guess they aren't worth it. I haven't taken sobriety that serious in the past and I still feel my brain takes it half seriously, like I can always go back and have more control in the future, even though I really know that isn't true. My boss used to say its quality over quantity, the bad thing is I liked both. Thanks for listening everyone.

least

I hope you take the necessary action to make sure this won't happen again.

freshstart57

I think the next necessary step for you is to fix this. Without this, you aren't going to have a good time. One way to work on this is to accept that you don't drink anymore, and to imagine that you don't drink anymore, what that really means for you. Create a vision of a Compass who doesn't drink. At all, under any circumstance. No matter what.

You are dwelling on the sense of loss that this means to you, but it really means so much more. It is an end to the anxiety and depression and shame and guilt and physical sickness and mental illness and bad decisions. It is a beginning of peace and self respect and joy and beauty and maybe even a little happiness. It is a beginning of your freedom, Compass.

Hawkeye13

For me, once I knew I just couldn't have a drink and be "safe" (that is, not have
more with any sort of real control) and fully accepted it, it got much easier.

I was sad, like losing a friend, when I really "got" I couldn't drink anymore but
alcohol has not been any kind of real friend to me.

It's a process. It is so much easier now--keep building on your sober days and you
will get there--you already have your Compass after all

bernice07

I love this freshstart! "Create a vision of a compass who doesn't drink" I have done that! I keep telling myself everyday, I don't drink, I' not a drinker, and I focus on not the loss but the gain! Thank you for sharing that message, it really has helped me see it differently!

LadyBlue0527

I think it's a big positive that you came here and posted. You want this and Dee is right, use it as a learning experience.

Dee also said something in a post a while back that hit me and made so much sense. A slip or relapse is actually coming before it even happens. I don't think that's the direct quote but it's close enough. Because of that I've learned something.

When you come here and post that you're about to put yourself in a dangerous situation people are going to try to help you to see what's really going on. We all have been there and we can spot the red flags from miles away. As secure as you feel about where you're headed most here know exactly what's going to happen. You do too really but the addiction refuses to let you be honest about it. It's up to you whether you heed the warnings. Your post today is the end result. Use it and learn from it. You can do this!

Another thing to be careful of. Go back and read through your post. Do you see the AV downplaying what happened? How much you drank, the fact that you weren't as bad as you used to be and that it was less than you normally would drink? That's the AV at it's finest. Trying to make light of a serious situation. Be careful of that.

There's a lot of in depth knowledge on the board but you have to listen and learn from it.

You're back on the horse now and you can do this!

FreeFall

A lot of wise and compassionate people here on SR!!

I echo the sentiment Compass, don't beat yourself up and learn from what happened. That addictive voice can show up even at random times and you have to build your skills to fight back. Every time you say "no" to it you get stronger and it gets weaker. There are always some times that will be harder than others though, and I think St. Patrick's Day is one of them for some of us.
Sometimes it's easier to just stay away or make an appearance and leave before your resolve weakens.

Onward!! Today is a new day

Compass7

I love what you wrote here freshstart. At these early stages of sobriety I wish I could easily interpret that these feelings of loss are actually a good thing. Course then it would make sobriety a piece of cake right? My AV said I could use a pack a beer today. Very irritated at an impossible coworker. I want to thank you because I did think about what you said in this post when I left work. I got a package of Dove dark chocolate and went for a sunny walk instead. It is so weird that something that makes me feel so bad, I think will make me feel better. Why is it so easy to ignore the dark side to drinking?
I also liked your idea of me envisioning a compass that doesn't drink anymore under any circumstances. This is definitely my biggest issue with sobriety right now. I am not taking it as serious as I need to be. Circumstances, oh are there ever circumstance where my mind says oh this is ok because....Drives me batty. You definitely understand my current struggle. I need to develop a stronger plan to deal with the circumstances that may arise.

Hevyn

Great thread compass - glad you wanted to talk about what happened.

I did this a few times before I took the final plunge and stopped all together. Each time I grew wiser. In my heart I knew my drinking days were over, but sometimes we need further proof. Proud of you for reaching out and listening to the helpful comments here.

Compass7

Is there a way that you were able to get more serious about it Hevyn when you messed up a few times? I wanted to quit because at Christmas my Mom and I argued. We never argue. Seems a little silly. There have been many other incidents in my life that have made me think this, but this was the strongest reaction I have had towards quitting. I was becoming very irritable about everything in my life and I know my argument with her was a result of that and not her. She is a great Mother. I didn't want her leaving this world with me being an alcoholic. That is when I realized I really needed to take it more seriously or my problem was going to take on a whole other level. I feel like I always have a foot in the water though.

Hevyn

Unfortunately, in the end I had to be brought to my knees Compass. I got dui's & my life was in shambles. I was completely miserable - it was never fun anymore. I was actually relieved to let go of it at that point. (I had been drinking 30 yrs. though). It doesn't need to come to that for you. I'm glad you're taking a hard look at what drinking is doing to your life - at a younger age.