I'm new, I'm an alcoholic and I'm scared. :(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Santa Cruz, Calfornia
Posts: 6
I'm new, I'm an alcoholic and I'm scared. :(
My name is Leah. I’m 33 years old and I live in Santa Cruz. I’m an alcoholic. It’s weird saying that because I still don’t feel like I am. My rational mind knows that I have a serious problem. I AM an alcoholic. I don’t even know how I got to this point and it’s still hard to wrap my mind around. I always picture alcoholics as people that start drinking the minute they wake up otherwise they will tremble and sweat uncontrollably.. I’m not like that. I don’t drink until the evenings. Drinking didn’t affect my daily life in anyway until recently. I didn’t have any noticeable side effects.
I guess I should start from the beginning. I started drinking when I was 18 years old. Only on the weekends. Keg parties and such. I only got ridiculously drunk ONCE in college but mostly I knew my limits. That’s also when I started smoking cigarettes. I married my college sweetheart and we started living a happy life together. We drank nearly every weekend. We met up with friends for social gatherings, went out dancing and attended parties. I was really just a social drinker. It wasn’t an every day thing and It wasn’t a problem at all.
4 years ago, My brother died. He had an unexpected heart attack in his sleep. His girlfriend found him the next day. The autopsy report didn’t reveal any specific causes. They found a trace amount of alcohol and some Xanax in his system. That’s it. He was only 26 years. It was a horrific shock for my entire family. I turned to Alcohol, so did my sister. She hit it hard. I just drank at night to take the edge off the pain and help me sleep. It was so hard to sleep after his death. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and crying. I would have terrible nightmares. Later on that year, my bestfriend died of lupus at age 30 and another close friend slipped into a coma, was taken off life support 7 days later when they realized she had brain damage. She was only 31 years old. At this point I was up to a bottle of wine a day to cope with it. I just simply could not sleep if I didn’t it just wasn’t possible. It was my sleep aid.
5 months ago, My husband and I quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey. That really did a number on me. I gained 20 lbs seemingly overnight, I had a lot of congestion, broke out in zits and my gums started bleeding. My whole body felt like it was out of whack. I kind of wish I had quit with the patch or gum, gradually tapered off instead of shocking my system like that. Nicotine affects your metabolism. When I quit smoking my metabolism was slower and I had to drink a LOT more to feel even a slight buzz! I would drink an entire bottle of wine and not feel drunk at all. I started having troubles with insomnia again, tossing and turning in my sleep. I need to drink MORE to get into that warm happy place and finally fall asleep. This is when I started realizing I was addicted because when I stopped, I couldn’t sleep all night. I felt a lot of anxiety and frustration. I wanted to stop but I couldn't.
This Saint Patrick’s day weekend, I drank more than I ever have in a long LONG time. It was 2 all day party benders. I slammed down Beer. Shots, cocktails, wine. Everything. My husband told me that I was slurring like a hobo and passed out drunk. I woke up Sunday feeling horrible all over my body. My stomach and thighs are completely bloated. It’s painful, I have strange bruises on my legs. I felt so sick. I decided that THIS IS IT. I am done with drinking. I can’t live like this!!! I’m going to get cirrhosis of the liver. I’m so afraid I have liver damage already and it’s too late... I’m afraid to go to the doctor and admit I have a problem. Whenever the doctor asks about my drinking habits I always say the same thing "Yes, Socially, Just on the weekends" Lies....
So Last night I didn’t drink. I also couldn’t sleep. I slept maybe one hour total, 15 minute snatches of time where I woke up feeling anxious and startled. My legs look like over-cooked sausages and feel like they are being squeezed. My stomach is completely bloated. I’m worried sick that my binge drinking weekend was the straw that broke the camel’s back and now my liver is shot. I don’t want to drink anymore. I’m DONE. I’m hoping that stopping drinking will make me feel better again. I want to fall asleep naturally. I’m worried about the withdrawal side effects over the next 3 days like Delirium Tremens. I don’t want to have a heart attack in my sleep like my brother or fall into a coma like my friend. Is there a chance I’ll have a seizure? I don’t drink all day or anything, but I did drink nearly every single night for 4 years straight.
Anyone out there with a situation like mine? Do you have any advice on quitting? Any advice on what I can take to curb the withdrawal symptoms? Anything I can use to help me sleep? How long did it take for you to feel better after you quit? What day was the worst for YOU?
I guess I should start from the beginning. I started drinking when I was 18 years old. Only on the weekends. Keg parties and such. I only got ridiculously drunk ONCE in college but mostly I knew my limits. That’s also when I started smoking cigarettes. I married my college sweetheart and we started living a happy life together. We drank nearly every weekend. We met up with friends for social gatherings, went out dancing and attended parties. I was really just a social drinker. It wasn’t an every day thing and It wasn’t a problem at all.
4 years ago, My brother died. He had an unexpected heart attack in his sleep. His girlfriend found him the next day. The autopsy report didn’t reveal any specific causes. They found a trace amount of alcohol and some Xanax in his system. That’s it. He was only 26 years. It was a horrific shock for my entire family. I turned to Alcohol, so did my sister. She hit it hard. I just drank at night to take the edge off the pain and help me sleep. It was so hard to sleep after his death. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and crying. I would have terrible nightmares. Later on that year, my bestfriend died of lupus at age 30 and another close friend slipped into a coma, was taken off life support 7 days later when they realized she had brain damage. She was only 31 years old. At this point I was up to a bottle of wine a day to cope with it. I just simply could not sleep if I didn’t it just wasn’t possible. It was my sleep aid.
5 months ago, My husband and I quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey. That really did a number on me. I gained 20 lbs seemingly overnight, I had a lot of congestion, broke out in zits and my gums started bleeding. My whole body felt like it was out of whack. I kind of wish I had quit with the patch or gum, gradually tapered off instead of shocking my system like that. Nicotine affects your metabolism. When I quit smoking my metabolism was slower and I had to drink a LOT more to feel even a slight buzz! I would drink an entire bottle of wine and not feel drunk at all. I started having troubles with insomnia again, tossing and turning in my sleep. I need to drink MORE to get into that warm happy place and finally fall asleep. This is when I started realizing I was addicted because when I stopped, I couldn’t sleep all night. I felt a lot of anxiety and frustration. I wanted to stop but I couldn't.
This Saint Patrick’s day weekend, I drank more than I ever have in a long LONG time. It was 2 all day party benders. I slammed down Beer. Shots, cocktails, wine. Everything. My husband told me that I was slurring like a hobo and passed out drunk. I woke up Sunday feeling horrible all over my body. My stomach and thighs are completely bloated. It’s painful, I have strange bruises on my legs. I felt so sick. I decided that THIS IS IT. I am done with drinking. I can’t live like this!!! I’m going to get cirrhosis of the liver. I’m so afraid I have liver damage already and it’s too late... I’m afraid to go to the doctor and admit I have a problem. Whenever the doctor asks about my drinking habits I always say the same thing "Yes, Socially, Just on the weekends" Lies....
So Last night I didn’t drink. I also couldn’t sleep. I slept maybe one hour total, 15 minute snatches of time where I woke up feeling anxious and startled. My legs look like over-cooked sausages and feel like they are being squeezed. My stomach is completely bloated. I’m worried sick that my binge drinking weekend was the straw that broke the camel’s back and now my liver is shot. I don’t want to drink anymore. I’m DONE. I’m hoping that stopping drinking will make me feel better again. I want to fall asleep naturally. I’m worried about the withdrawal side effects over the next 3 days like Delirium Tremens. I don’t want to have a heart attack in my sleep like my brother or fall into a coma like my friend. Is there a chance I’ll have a seizure? I don’t drink all day or anything, but I did drink nearly every single night for 4 years straight.
Anyone out there with a situation like mine? Do you have any advice on quitting? Any advice on what I can take to curb the withdrawal symptoms? Anything I can use to help me sleep? How long did it take for you to feel better after you quit? What day was the worst for YOU?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 316
Welcome to SR, ER! There are so many great people here to help you. I know it's scary at first but good job on getting through day 1! If you're worried about withdrawal, definitely go see your doctor. Trust me, they won't be shocked or appalled at your story. They can help you with your detox. I told mine and he didn't bat an eye. I'm pretty new - on day 37 and it gets better every day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Santa Cruz, Calfornia
Posts: 6
Thanks SayAnything! Congratulations on 37 days! When you told your doctor did he give you something to help with withdrawal symptoms? Is it possible for me to quit drinking without any serious side effects that require medical attention? Has anyone been able to do that? I don't know how bad this is or how much damage I've done to my body. I'm pretty scared.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey, Welcome to the Forum!! 
First off, might be worthwhile checking in with a doctor, alcohol withdrawal can be dangerous and you need to do it safely, but you need to be completely honest so you can receive adequate treatment, it's understandable to have fear, but I assure you many of us have been in the same position, feeling the same things.
From your story, alcohol seems to becoming a problem and quitting sounds like a great decision.
You'll find loads of support here on SR!!
First off, might be worthwhile checking in with a doctor, alcohol withdrawal can be dangerous and you need to do it safely, but you need to be completely honest so you can receive adequate treatment, it's understandable to have fear, but I assure you many of us have been in the same position, feeling the same things.
From your story, alcohol seems to becoming a problem and quitting sounds like a great decision.
You'll find loads of support here on SR!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 316
He didn't give me anything, but I know situations are all different. You don't have to do it alone and that's what they're there for. It would probably take some of the worry of not knowing off of your mind, as well.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
Welcome to the SR family. 
It is possible to stop drinking for good but you've got to want to be sober more than you want to drink. And I suggest you see your doctor for help in getting safely thru withdrawal.
It is possible to stop drinking for good but you've got to want to be sober more than you want to drink. And I suggest you see your doctor for help in getting safely thru withdrawal. Phoenix Rising Again
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Chicagoland
Posts: 3,079
Welcome to the forum!
I'm so sorry for all the pain you've gone through. Mixing alcohol and Xanax is very dangerous... .but moving on.
Definitely talk to your doctor. He/She can help you. I fessed up to mine after I went through detox alone at my house. She didn't bat an eye and was unbelievably supportive. Let me tell you, I was terrified of saying anything and almost chickened out but it felt like a giant weight being lifted off my shoulders.
For me, my detox was about 3-4 days. It was hell. I won't lie. But now I used that as motivation to not pick up the poison.
I'm glad you're here!
I'm so sorry for all the pain you've gone through. Mixing alcohol and Xanax is very dangerous... .but moving on.
Definitely talk to your doctor. He/She can help you. I fessed up to mine after I went through detox alone at my house. She didn't bat an eye and was unbelievably supportive. Let me tell you, I was terrified of saying anything and almost chickened out but it felt like a giant weight being lifted off my shoulders.
For me, my detox was about 3-4 days. It was hell. I won't lie. But now I used that as motivation to not pick up the poison.
I'm glad you're here!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Santa Cruz, Calfornia
Posts: 6
Thank you Everyone for the warm welcome.
I made an appointment with my doctor but the earliest she can see me is Friday. She said if I have an emergency situation, I should go to the ER. I told her Friday would be fine.
It's going to be a long hellish week, I can tell. It's only Tuesday. I wish I had some vacation days at work I could take but I don't. I just have to get through it.
I've gone 2 days without drinking before. Didn't sleep much during those 2 days, after that I caved and had a bottle of wine to sleep.
It's the third day I'm most afraid of.
I made an appointment with my doctor but the earliest she can see me is Friday. She said if I have an emergency situation, I should go to the ER. I told her Friday would be fine.
It's going to be a long hellish week, I can tell. It's only Tuesday. I wish I had some vacation days at work I could take but I don't. I just have to get through it.
I've gone 2 days without drinking before. Didn't sleep much during those 2 days, after that I caved and had a bottle of wine to sleep.
It's the third day I'm most afraid of.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Cravings can be overcome with support, when you feel like caving talk to someone, post here online BEFORE giving in, reach out for support and there will be people here to talk to 24/7 and get you through it.
Are you looking into attending meetings or other types of support? the main thing is reaching out for help before giving in to the temptation to drink!!
You can do this!!
Are you looking into attending meetings or other types of support? the main thing is reaching out for help before giving in to the temptation to drink!!
You can do this!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 25
Hi Leah and welcome to SR! I would echo everyone who has recommended seeing your doctor. You will automatically alleviate some of your anxiety and stress by just being honest with him/her. Do not be freaked out about seeing your doc...they are in the business to help 
My thoughts and prayers are with you over your losses. I truly can't imagine the heartache. As you can now tell, self medicating with alcohol is not the answer. In addition to your regular doc, please consider speaking with an alcohol counselor. I can personally say that it has really helped me put everything into perspective.
Keep in touch!!! Let everyone know how you are doing!
My thoughts and prayers are with you over your losses. I truly can't imagine the heartache. As you can now tell, self medicating with alcohol is not the answer. In addition to your regular doc, please consider speaking with an alcohol counselor. I can personally say that it has really helped me put everything into perspective.
Keep in touch!!! Let everyone know how you are doing!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 12
Just get through today. Be good to yourself. There are so many wonderful and knowledgeable people here. Awesome job getting through day one. Herbal tea has been my saving grace. I hope you get the medical help you need. It seems they should see you sooner than Friday. Regardless, congratulations on finding the courage to call for an appointment.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Welcome Elusive Rose,
I would consider going to a clinic--Urgent Care type of place? Friday IS a bit of a stretch. If you explain your situation, they may give you something to help ease your withdrawal and help you to safely detox. There's no need to completely suffer; it will also put your mind at ease--this will also, perhaps, prevent resorting to drinking to ease your suffering.
Just a suggestion. I wish you the best. Take care of yourself.
I would consider going to a clinic--Urgent Care type of place? Friday IS a bit of a stretch. If you explain your situation, they may give you something to help ease your withdrawal and help you to safely detox. There's no need to completely suffer; it will also put your mind at ease--this will also, perhaps, prevent resorting to drinking to ease your suffering.
Just a suggestion. I wish you the best. Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
I agree with all to see a doctor. Because you have to wait till Friday, I am concerned about how much you were drinking long term. Not just the recent weekend binge. Did you tell the doc how much you drink? Going cold turkey from alcohol can be deadly. Be careful.
If you are having serious ill effects go to emergency room asap. This is no joke.
If you are having serious ill effects go to emergency room asap. This is no joke.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Santa Cruz, Calfornia
Posts: 6
Thanks for the advice everyone. I didn't specify what was wrong when I made the appointment, I just said I needed to come in to talk about a health concern with my doctor. It was the receptionist and I wasn't comfortable discussing it with her. She told me to go to ER if it's an emergency otherwise Friday was the earliest she could fit me in. Maybe I should have sounded more urgent. I'm just so embarrassed and ashamed about this whole thing. It's hard to admit to a doctor that you've been lying to them about a drinking problem for 4 years.
There IS an after hours urgent care clinic that I can also go to in the week day evenings. Maybe if it gets bad tomorrow I'll go there to talk to someone. Right now, I'm just tired, anxious and bloated. I'm not having any other serious symptoms. I'm hoping I can get some sleep tonight.
There IS an after hours urgent care clinic that I can also go to in the week day evenings. Maybe if it gets bad tomorrow I'll go there to talk to someone. Right now, I'm just tired, anxious and bloated. I'm not having any other serious symptoms. I'm hoping I can get some sleep tonight.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I've heard the advice before, to write down what you want to say to your doctor before hand, the whole honest truth, everything that you would like to say to them but are maybe feeling too scared to tell her . . . and bring that note with you!!
The reality is, a doctor will have heard/seen it all before, your not the only person struggling with alcohol, there are thousands of us on this website and the majority of us have announced the same things to our doctors.
Also they want to help, but they can't if we're not honest with them, they can only give the best treatment and medical advice if they know everything!! . . . she won't bite, I assure you!!
The reality is, a doctor will have heard/seen it all before, your not the only person struggling with alcohol, there are thousands of us on this website and the majority of us have announced the same things to our doctors.
Also they want to help, but they can't if we're not honest with them, they can only give the best treatment and medical advice if they know everything!! . . . she won't bite, I assure you!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
My Dear ElusiveRose,
I went to the doc a couple years ago for a routine medical. He had an intern with him. He asked me if I drink alcohol. I replied,"Excessively!" without hesitation. He told me that's the first time anyone has ever admitted drinking a lot to him. People lie to their doctors every day. Trust me that they don't take it personally. They are more relieved when you finally let go and tell the truth. Just thought you should know...
I went to the doc a couple years ago for a routine medical. He had an intern with him. He asked me if I drink alcohol. I replied,"Excessively!" without hesitation. He told me that's the first time anyone has ever admitted drinking a lot to him. People lie to their doctors every day. Trust me that they don't take it personally. They are more relieved when you finally let go and tell the truth. Just thought you should know...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Santa Cruz, Calfornia
Posts: 6
Thanks everyone. I've made it through the second night without wine. My husband drank but I didn't. I thought that would be hard, but it wasn't. I just stayed in the bedroom and surfed the web. My body is hurting. My stomach is bloated, my legs feel like they are filled with water sloshing around. I feel like I couldn't handle alcohol right now even if I wanted some. I've been looking up symptoms of cirrhosis and frightening myself half to death. I hope that this stomach bloat isn't an early sign of Ascites. Does anyone have that?
I managed to sleep from 3:30 AM to 7:30 AM this morning, so that's good. Better than last night. Just have to keep moving forward. I was a little sweaty, but that's it. No trembling or shaking or delusional thoughts. I feel confident now that I can quit drinking without my doctor prescribing anything, but I'm going to see her anyway to get checked out.
I definitely plan on being honest with my doctor. Just put it out there and deal with the "tsk tsk" and disappointed glances. It sucks because I really like my doctor and she had been so proud of how I've been handling all these tragedies in my life. Now I have to be straight and say "Actually I've been drinking every night for four years to cope with it" Ugh.
I managed to sleep from 3:30 AM to 7:30 AM this morning, so that's good. Better than last night. Just have to keep moving forward. I was a little sweaty, but that's it. No trembling or shaking or delusional thoughts. I feel confident now that I can quit drinking without my doctor prescribing anything, but I'm going to see her anyway to get checked out.
I definitely plan on being honest with my doctor. Just put it out there and deal with the "tsk tsk" and disappointed glances. It sucks because I really like my doctor and she had been so proud of how I've been handling all these tragedies in my life. Now I have to be straight and say "Actually I've been drinking every night for four years to cope with it" Ugh.
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