Tryng2Undrstnd

This is my first post but I think I've got the acronyms down- assuming RABF actually stands for Recovering Alcoholic Boyfriend

Let me start by saying that I have been plundering around this site for several days and have learned so much already but am still left with several questions and am just trying to understand where he is coming from.

I have been dating this guy for several months now and he has been sober for 6+ years. Allow me to preface this by saying I have absolutely no experience with alcoholics or addicts except what I have seen in Movies (which I acknowledge is a poor source of information and why I'm here!).

He told me before our first date that he was a recovering alcoholic and has been very open to my thousands of questions and has answered every single one of them. Since I didn't know him before AA I'm having trouble separating what is his personality and what is a direct result of his involvement with the AA (and deciding whether or not the distinction even matters). His openness and willingness to share when I ask questions..... is that him or is that bc of his involvement with the AA? He always answers my questions but rarely volunteers information - even when it helps his case! (i.e. I've slept with x number of people but I have to dig to figure out that 98% of those were 6+ years ago) He doesn't like to make plans in advance supposedly because he worries about being disappointed- Is that an alcoholic thing or the same BS every late 20 somethings guy has told me before? We live 2 hours apart and I'm a type A planner with a busy work and personal schedule, plans have to made! I can not just drop everything to drive 2 hours when I want to see you (although I do and I worry I've kind of set that precedent).

My view on relationships/friendships is that if I'm a priority then you should want to make time to spend with me. I understand that AA has to come first and he's very involved and without it he would't be the great man that he is today but I still want to feel like I am, and our relationship is, a priority to him. The 10th time you hear I need to cancel our plans to go to a meeting, I start feeling like less of a priority. Where do I draw the line!?!? In fact I probably would have given up on him thinking he was blowing me off if not for the fact that he calls me just to talk every night, and that's NOT something your average a 28 yr old guy does if he's blowing you off. Are these cancelled plans par for the course with someone in AA?

I've told him I can hang out by myself for a bit if he decides he needs to go to a meeting, but I think he thinks everything has to be perfect bc we have so little time together. When in reality all I want to do is sit on the couch next to him. He says he's busy Friday night so I go out with girl friends and he calls me on my way home only to discover he's been sitting at home doing nothing for several hours. I'm not sure if I'd rather that be a lie or not....

It’s also difficult for me to know I’ll never be the first one he calls with his problems and that I won’t be able to fix his problems but I’m coming to terms with that. It’s just hard.

I also can't decide if he has legitimate self esteem issues stemming from his alcoholism, or if he's just giving me the same old 'you're too good for me' 'how'd I get so lucky' lines.


A close friend suggested making a list of things that if happen or I learn about him that I would get up and walk away. I have and I'm not sure if I should share these with him or not (maybe a bit down the road?). It's pretty standard stuff in my mind - cheating, abuse, etc. I am the picture of a strong independent women and will not put up with those things, I don't NEED anyone.... I really want him but.....


I know a lot of the following questions are things I should ask him and very by person and experience but I want to know general answers first to make sure I have all the facts and am not being manipulated.
1- Can he go to any meeting? like we go on vacation out of town and he can just look up a random meeting to attend?
2- He sponsors people, or maybe just one person? not sure? can anyone become a sponsor?
3- Based on my reading I don't think Al-Anon meetings are for me, thoughts? What about attending one of his open meetings?
4- Are there any standard "rules" and off topic things? For example, my inclination if you are telling me about someone close to you is to ask more about them but I wonder about the anonymity part, should I not ask these questions at all? or just not their names? or?
Questions 5 -999 are still to come!


I don't want to ever come between him and AA but I also don't want to live my life writing everything off due to AA, am I expecting too much from him? How do I be supportive but still stand firm in my own needs from a relationship?

We come from different worlds but he's kind and he always makes me laugh and I'm falling in love with him.... and I just need more information and advice before I go naming our future children in my head. :P Anything you have to offer would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

Godismyrock

I can only give you my own experience, so:


1- Can he go to any meeting? like we go on vacation out of town and he can just look up a random meeting to attend?

Yes, he can go to any meeting, closed or open. You could attend any open meeting. Meetings are always happening, and are pretty easy to find. Yes, on vacation he very likely will want to go to a meeting. Vacations can be a truly difficult time for a RA, because of the available alcohol. Even though going to a meeting takes away from your time together, him going is essential whenever he feels like he needs one.

2- He sponsors people, or maybe just one person? not sure? can anyone become a sponsor?

Yes, once you have some quality sober time, anyone can be a sponsor. He can sponsor more than one at once.
Sponsoring people will probably take a lot of his time, but it is also extremely important to his recovery. By helping others gets sober, he keeps his own sobriety. It is easy to forget how difficult it was to get sober, but much harder to forget when you are actively helping others get sober.

3- Based on my reading I don't think Al-Anon meetings are for me, thoughts? What about attending one of his open meetings?

Al-Anon, in my opinion, is for persons who have been affected by someone's drinking. That may be you, that may not be.
Yes, you can go to his open meetings. Or, you can go to an open meeting that he is not at. Attending can be helpful in educating yourself about all this.

4- Are there any standard "rules" and off topic things? For example, my inclination if you are telling me about someone close to you is to ask more about them but I wonder about the anonymity part, should I not ask these questions at all? or just not their names? or?

Generally, it is best to not ask about anyone or anything that is said at an AA meeting. The people that attend need to feel the confidence that what they share stays there. He may feel torn about wanting to tell you, but not wanting to violate his confidence with the others. They say at meetings that what is said there, stays there. He may be upset by things that happen with people that he sponsors, or by things that happen at meetings, but he needs to work those problems out with others in AA.

He has a lifelong disease, and managing it will always be one of the most important things in his life. If you stay, you have to expect and accept that.

Tryng2Undrstnd

Thanks, I really like the idea of going to an open meeting he isn't at just to understand what happens.

CarryOn

Welcome, Trying. Okay if I take a stab at your non-numbered questions, too? Going for it...

Could be...I've known a few people in AA that become so open it is almost uncomfortable how much they share. Others still keep things to themselves, possibly due to the shame, which is why I think others do over share - they use it to overcome the shame.

Sounds more like an age/maturity thing to me. Possibly anxiety?

Sobriety has to be the #1 priority for RA's, so yes, other plans may lose out to attending a meeting. Only you can decide where to draw the line for your relationship.

Yep, I know this wasn't a question...as another poster said today - not your monkey, not your circus. His problems are not yours to fix. Trying to fix other people's problems is where codependency comes in, something to be aware of, especially in a relationship with an A.

Yep, not a question again...which came first...the low self-esteem or the alcoholism? A's often have low self-esteem, shame, etc. Again, not your job to improve his self esteem.

1 - Yes, any meeting, anywhere. They even have them on cruise ships.
2 - Either; I believe anyone that has worked the steps can become a sponsor.
3 - AlAnon is for anyone affected by a friend or loved one's drinking...may or may not be for you, but you can certainly check it out. Yes, you can attend open meetings.
4 - Leave his AA stuff to him, his sponsor & sponsees, etc. You can certainly listen if he shares, but pass the responsibility for advice or guidance back to his program.

You will hear here that expectations are future resentments. The answer to both these, and frankly a lot of your post, is to learn about boundaries (you can search SR), and establish them for your relationship. This is a healthy thing to do. You can establish how you want to be treated and what behavior directed at you to accept. You also take care of yourself and be your own person while allowing him to be his own person - working his recovery and developing his own self. Don't isolate yourself from friends and family (this includes not dropping your plans for him - this may be a great boundary for you!). I do also suggest educating yourself about alcoholism - many people do not really understand it and the affect it has on those that live/love/care for A's. Again, welcome to SR!

lillamy

Hi & Welcome!!! There was one thing that stuck out to me that I wanted to comment on:

I would say it couldn't hurt to go to a few Al-Anon meetings. Here's what I see in your posts -- take what you can use and leave the rest:

He always answers my questions but rarely volunteers information - even when it helps his case! (i.e. I've slept with x number of people but I have to dig to figure out that 98% of those were 6+ years ago)
If my husband had asked me how many people I had slept with while we were dating, that would have raised red flags of control and jealousy for me. Bygones, nobody's business but mine and the people I slept with in the past. I figure, in a relationship you spontaneously share what you want to share. I would feel questions like those would be prying and irrelevant -- they would give me pause about the relationship.

It’s also difficult for me to know I’ll never be the first one he calls with his problems and that I won’t be able to fix his problems but I’m coming to terms with that. It’s just hard.

When you go into a relationship with the assumption that you want to fix the other person's problems, I would suggest that you may have a bit of codependency issues in your life. Nothing wrong with that, most of us here have such issues. But when you put them in a beaker with an addict, even a recovering one, the reactions you get aren't always positive ones. Why do you want to be the one to fix his problems? I know when I was married to an A, my honest answer (if I had managed to give it) should have been "I want to be The One Person he turns to when he has problems because that will make me feel important and like I have a mission in life."

And that's not a healthy way to look at life -- your own or someone else's

You could think of it like this: If my husband's car breaks down, I'm sure as heck not the best person to fix it -- so why should he turn to me instead of a mechanic? If he has a health issue, he should see a doctor. And if he's a recovering addict, he should call his sponsor. Not me. Because I'm not the best person to deal with that particular problem.

This may sound terribly depressing, but I think anyone dating a recovering addict needs to be aware of the fact that a relapse is always possible, and what you can do to prevent your loved one from taking a relapse. Which is -- nothing. Which is also frustrating. I would say take every opportunity to educate yourself about alcoholism and recovery.

I would encourage you to talk to your RABF about how he would feel about you attending an open meeting with him. He may feel that is not appropriate, and if he does, don't take that personally. My friend who is a RA doesn't want her husband going to her meetings, but he regularly attends other open AA meetings.

AnvilheadII

his sobriety, his involvement with AA, those things precede you...those are the things that helped save his life. almost akin to someone who has to go for kidney dialysis on a regular basis his connection to living a life without alcohol.

he was upfront from the get go. this is who he is. in the beginning you found his "story" interesting...intriguing....he has been open to your inquiries.

but he doesn't seem to have as much time for the relationship as you would like. he's non committal at times or changes plans at the last minute. that's his MO....what he has to offer. can that be "blamed" on being a recovering addict? can it be blamed on his involvement with AA? don't know. but it IS who he IS.....after several months....you know see what you get.

you might be jumping the gun to talk or think about future children at this stage of the game?? as a strong independent woman you should not feel threatened by his lifestyle.....you may however begin to realize that there are some compatibility issues.........and that's ok. two really nice people are not always meant to be together forever.