some perspective today, bad events vs. the craziness
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
some perspective today, bad events vs. the craziness
I've been running for my life ever since my ex showed up at my door drunk at 5:45 am a few weeks ago. She threw herself at my door, but other than that wasn't expressly 'violent'. She just kept knocking for 30 mins, I could hear her breathing into it - that super drunk breathing like a zombie from the walking dead, saying 'i need to know' 'i need help' 'help me' over and over. She went down the hall crying minutes before the police arrived. She conned my security in the building to get in. Some of you know the story. My fear is rooted in her assault history, her interest in guns and talk of obtaining them to kill a family member, and my unsure memory that her stepdad may have some she'd easily take.
I kept saying to people I feel like I'm living with her ghost. Then the ghost showed up to torment me. It set me back.
My therapist told me I'm in therapy at this point for trauma and emotional and physical abuse.
As the rawness faded after her reappearance, I got angry. I never felt angry at her before, and believe it or not we never had an argument or a fight while together (I know, healthy couples can have arguments). I thought how selfish that act was to drive 1.5 hrs before dawn, totally drunk on the road, to terrorize me and put people on the road in danger. To bring out 2 cops who could be handling something else. And nowhere in there would she even have considered I'm going through anything, or what may be going on with me emotionally.
Today I found out that my parents were both hit by a car while walking in the parking lot of a shopping mall. My mom's leg and ribs are broken, she's in a wheel chair, and my dad has broken ribs. It was a scene much worse than my girlfriend knocking for 30 mins at my door. The hope now is no surgery needed, just recovery.
My ex's actions seem even more obscene and cruel now. I don't think I'm jinxing myself that I think she'll try again. But maybe I'm done running as much. I guess I feel like I really don't have time for her to mess with me again, if she chooses to try. This all feels like a war zone. A cold war, nonviolent. Lots of things from all angles. And it reminds me I never could have counted on her if we were together right now. I made the right choice.
I kept saying to people I feel like I'm living with her ghost. Then the ghost showed up to torment me. It set me back.
My therapist told me I'm in therapy at this point for trauma and emotional and physical abuse.
As the rawness faded after her reappearance, I got angry. I never felt angry at her before, and believe it or not we never had an argument or a fight while together (I know, healthy couples can have arguments). I thought how selfish that act was to drive 1.5 hrs before dawn, totally drunk on the road, to terrorize me and put people on the road in danger. To bring out 2 cops who could be handling something else. And nowhere in there would she even have considered I'm going through anything, or what may be going on with me emotionally.
Today I found out that my parents were both hit by a car while walking in the parking lot of a shopping mall. My mom's leg and ribs are broken, she's in a wheel chair, and my dad has broken ribs. It was a scene much worse than my girlfriend knocking for 30 mins at my door. The hope now is no surgery needed, just recovery.
My ex's actions seem even more obscene and cruel now. I don't think I'm jinxing myself that I think she'll try again. But maybe I'm done running as much. I guess I feel like I really don't have time for her to mess with me again, if she chooses to try. This all feels like a war zone. A cold war, nonviolent. Lots of things from all angles. And it reminds me I never could have counted on her if we were together right now. I made the right choice.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Hi Blake -I'm so sorry to hear about your parents' accident! Maybe it would be a good time to take a few weeks away from work to be with them...attend doctor appts, help around the house while they recover and get out of your routine...maybe it would allow you to come back refreshed with a different perspective...just a thought.
Anger is a normal part of the grieving process, as you probably know
It was good for me to feel that anger and then have it validated. What your XAGF did was incredibly selfish and dangerous, that's how A's often are. I know one of the things that made me the most angry when RAH was drinking was knowing he would drive after, and how much he risked every time he did so for every driver on the road with him, truly awful.
I'm so glad you are continuing on with your therapist. Your parents will be in my prayers for a speedy recovery.
Anger is a normal part of the grieving process, as you probably know
It was good for me to feel that anger and then have it validated. What your XAGF did was incredibly selfish and dangerous, that's how A's often are. I know one of the things that made me the most angry when RAH was drinking was knowing he would drive after, and how much he risked every time he did so for every driver on the road with him, truly awful.I'm so glad you are continuing on with your therapist. Your parents will be in my prayers for a speedy recovery.
You've had a lot of trauma in a short period of time! I'm glad you have a therapist to help you deal with it. Prayers for you & your parents.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Originally Posted by blake1989 
Thank you CJ and CarryOn. you are the best. I am considering taking some time to go home. Of course they insist I don't but I'll overlook that in this case.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Blake, I was thinking about you earlier today and wondering how you were doing. So sorry to hear about your parents. More trauma. Hope you are being kind to yourself.
Seems like a good idea to take time off and go home. As hard as it may be, could be good to get away from your current situation.
Seems like a good idea to take time off and go home. As hard as it may be, could be good to get away from your current situation.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Terrible news about your parents Blake, but at least you have gained some perspective on your ex's behaviour. You sound like you're getting much healthier in your reactions. It was selfish of her to endanger everyone else, just to make a scene.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Blake, I am so sorry for your parents accident. I will pray for them and your family. It was an awful thing to endure but I am so optimistic you can get something positive from this. Dont think Im crazy...
When separated AH and I split up in May 2012, it consumed me. My whole existence was wrapped up in him, enabling girl who cheated on me with, checking on line, driving by where he may or may not be...I was not healthy in my mind. I had been physically, verbally and emotionally abused and I was trying so hard to hold onto my alcoholic husband.
I lost my job due to layoff. I was able to get my old job back with old friends who I loved which was awesome...Then a few months later I was diagnosed with Stage 4 head/neck cancer and started the fight of my life. I seriously just wanted to die with no regard to anything else. There were SO many dark moments. Somehow I dug deep and found the strength to persevere. I kept coming here on SR. I kept reaching out to the few people I had, etc. And by the grace of God I was healed and went into remission just this past October.
My point is that I couldnt understand why God would let my husband leave me, lose my job and then give me cancer. It seemed all so unfair and like I wanted to quit life. Now I see that had I not lost my job, I wouldnt have worked where I did when I was diagnosed. My employer was the best and worked with me during my illness above and beyond what the law requires. It put me around people who supported me morally throughout my cancer battle when my own fanily of origin and friends had walked away because I had alienated most of them because I allowed my separated AH to isolate me during our marriage.
Had I not gotten cancer and faced radiation and chemo treatments and I was on a feeding tube, multiple surgeries, hearing loss, etc...I would not be where I am today. I am so grateful for the little things like being able to taste food again and hear my daughters voice again, etc..I can go to the movies again and hear what they are saying...now problems with separated AH still exist but I handle it differently. He is no longer the center of my universe. Things are in perspective now. It took me almost dying to see that. Looking back I am so embarassed of all the time and effort i wasted on someone who treated me so horribly.
Blake, you have been through so much and this walk with your parents will not be easy, but try and find the positive in each day. They may be hurt, but they are still alive. Sounds corny, but you have to see the positive in order to sustain yourself in this world. There is no alternative. You are articulate and strong I can tell. You can do it!
When separated AH and I split up in May 2012, it consumed me. My whole existence was wrapped up in him, enabling girl who cheated on me with, checking on line, driving by where he may or may not be...I was not healthy in my mind. I had been physically, verbally and emotionally abused and I was trying so hard to hold onto my alcoholic husband.
I lost my job due to layoff. I was able to get my old job back with old friends who I loved which was awesome...Then a few months later I was diagnosed with Stage 4 head/neck cancer and started the fight of my life. I seriously just wanted to die with no regard to anything else. There were SO many dark moments. Somehow I dug deep and found the strength to persevere. I kept coming here on SR. I kept reaching out to the few people I had, etc. And by the grace of God I was healed and went into remission just this past October.
My point is that I couldnt understand why God would let my husband leave me, lose my job and then give me cancer. It seemed all so unfair and like I wanted to quit life. Now I see that had I not lost my job, I wouldnt have worked where I did when I was diagnosed. My employer was the best and worked with me during my illness above and beyond what the law requires. It put me around people who supported me morally throughout my cancer battle when my own fanily of origin and friends had walked away because I had alienated most of them because I allowed my separated AH to isolate me during our marriage.
Had I not gotten cancer and faced radiation and chemo treatments and I was on a feeding tube, multiple surgeries, hearing loss, etc...I would not be where I am today. I am so grateful for the little things like being able to taste food again and hear my daughters voice again, etc..I can go to the movies again and hear what they are saying...now problems with separated AH still exist but I handle it differently. He is no longer the center of my universe. Things are in perspective now. It took me almost dying to see that. Looking back I am so embarassed of all the time and effort i wasted on someone who treated me so horribly.
Blake, you have been through so much and this walk with your parents will not be easy, but try and find the positive in each day. They may be hurt, but they are still alive. Sounds corny, but you have to see the positive in order to sustain yourself in this world. There is no alternative. You are articulate and strong I can tell. You can do it!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Blake, I am so sorry to read about your parents, sending prayers for a speedy recovery for both of them.
I am glad to hear that you are letting your anger motivate you though - I think that was a key element for me to be able to work through the anger itself & it provided fuel for all those day-to-day tasks that I was too foggy-headed up until then to truly tackle head-on.
I am glad to hear that you are letting your anger motivate you though - I think that was a key element for me to be able to work through the anger itself & it provided fuel for all those day-to-day tasks that I was too foggy-headed up until then to truly tackle head-on.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It’s good you are gaining a better perspective today regarding your ex and what that was really all about.
Anger is a good motivator for change.
Sorry about your parents, going home would benefit all of you in your healing process.
((hugs))
Anger is a good motivator for change.
Sorry about your parents, going home would benefit all of you in your healing process.
((hugs))
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Your parents and in my prayers..so sorry! It sounds like you handled things well with your ex by calling the police. There isn't much else you could have done. Is there anyway you can get a restraining order against her? Just a thought, especially if you are worried for your safety. I identify with your comment of being in the middle of a cold war. My house has been the battle ground for a cold war off and on for years -- silent battles on my part.
Hugs to you Blake and Im so sorry for all of the trouble thats in your life right now..it will get better.
Hugs to you Blake and Im so sorry for all of the trouble thats in your life right now..it will get better.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Hang in there Blake, good recovery to your parents.
Originally Posted by blake1989
I've been running for my life ever since my ex showed up at my door drunk at 5:45 am a few weeks ago. She threw herself at my door, but other than that wasn't expressly 'violent'. She just kept knocking for 30 mins, I could hear her breathing into it - that super drunk breathing like a zombie from the walking dead, saying 'i need to know' 'i need help' 'help me' over and over. She went down the hall crying minutes before the police arrived. She conned my security in the building to get in. Some of you know the story. My fear is rooted in her assault history, her interest in guns and talk of obtaining them to kill a family member, and my unsure memory that her stepdad may have some she'd easily take.
I kept saying to people I feel like I'm living with her ghost. Then the ghost showed up to torment me. It set me back.
My therapist told me I'm in therapy at this point for trauma and emotional and physical abuse.
As the rawness faded after her reappearance, I got angry. I never felt angry at her before, and believe it or not we never had an argument or a fight while together (I know, healthy couples can have arguments). I thought how selfish that act was to drive 1.5 hrs before dawn, totally drunk on the road, to terrorize me and put people on the road in danger. To bring out 2 cops who could be handling something else. And nowhere in there would she even have considered I'm going through anything, or what may be going on with me emotionally.
Today I found out that my parents were both hit by a car while walking in the parking lot of a shopping mall. My mom's leg and ribs are broken, she's in a wheel chair, and my dad has broken ribs. It was a scene much worse than my girlfriend knocking for 30 mins at my door. The hope now is no surgery needed, just recovery.
My ex's actions seem even more obscene and cruel now. I don't think I'm jinxing myself that I think she'll try again. But maybe I'm done running as much. I guess I feel like I really don't have time for her to mess with me again, if she chooses to try. This all feels like a war zone. A cold war, nonviolent. Lots of things from all angles. And it reminds me I never could have counted on her if we were together right now. I made the right choice.
I kept saying to people I feel like I'm living with her ghost. Then the ghost showed up to torment me. It set me back.
My therapist told me I'm in therapy at this point for trauma and emotional and physical abuse.
As the rawness faded after her reappearance, I got angry. I never felt angry at her before, and believe it or not we never had an argument or a fight while together (I know, healthy couples can have arguments). I thought how selfish that act was to drive 1.5 hrs before dawn, totally drunk on the road, to terrorize me and put people on the road in danger. To bring out 2 cops who could be handling something else. And nowhere in there would she even have considered I'm going through anything, or what may be going on with me emotionally.
Today I found out that my parents were both hit by a car while walking in the parking lot of a shopping mall. My mom's leg and ribs are broken, she's in a wheel chair, and my dad has broken ribs. It was a scene much worse than my girlfriend knocking for 30 mins at my door. The hope now is no surgery needed, just recovery.
My ex's actions seem even more obscene and cruel now. I don't think I'm jinxing myself that I think she'll try again. But maybe I'm done running as much. I guess I feel like I really don't have time for her to mess with me again, if she chooses to try. This all feels like a war zone. A cold war, nonviolent. Lots of things from all angles. And it reminds me I never could have counted on her if we were together right now. I made the right choice.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Blake, I'm sorry. Sending your parents a speedy recovery.
After the final showdown with ex a friend I just wanted distance and peace and quiet. Instead I got sick and exafs requests and quacks kept coming. I was so angry- about the ilness and the reckless insane demanding behavior of exaf. A good friend told me in regards to all the drama "You have to stop running and start fighting"... In a movie I would have confronted exaf about their behavior and my illness, exaf would have excused profoundly, turned their life around and we would have remained friends...Life isn't a movie and there isn't always a happy end.
The ilness put things into perspective for me - I just lacked the energy to battle my illness AND the crazy. You have to stand up for yourself and fight, but you have to chose your battles wisely, after all you still have a life to live.
After the final showdown with ex a friend I just wanted distance and peace and quiet. Instead I got sick and exafs requests and quacks kept coming. I was so angry- about the ilness and the reckless insane demanding behavior of exaf. A good friend told me in regards to all the drama "You have to stop running and start fighting"... In a movie I would have confronted exaf about their behavior and my illness, exaf would have excused profoundly, turned their life around and we would have remained friends...Life isn't a movie and there isn't always a happy end.
The ilness put things into perspective for me - I just lacked the energy to battle my illness AND the crazy. You have to stand up for yourself and fight, but you have to chose your battles wisely, after all you still have a life to live.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
Thank you all for your support. It means so much to me.
iamthird, thank you for sharing that powerful story. I'm so sorry you had to go through so much, but am glad you are in remission now. I am so glad you can hear again. I faced something less daunting but still terrifying relating to my ear for months leading up to meeting my ex. Lots of MRI's and CT scans. When it finally eased, I was so glad to be alive and not sick for months, that I was on top of the world. Meeting her seemed to be like the last piece of the puzzle for a new life, marriage, everything.
9111111 you always make so much sense. Yes, in a movie, things would have gone differently. In a movie, I would have opened the door, told her she needs help, she'd get help, and we'd remain friends just like you say. No movie here.
At this time I feel it is time to mobilize. I will persevere. My ex will not break me now.
iamthird, thank you for sharing that powerful story. I'm so sorry you had to go through so much, but am glad you are in remission now. I am so glad you can hear again. I faced something less daunting but still terrifying relating to my ear for months leading up to meeting my ex. Lots of MRI's and CT scans. When it finally eased, I was so glad to be alive and not sick for months, that I was on top of the world. Meeting her seemed to be like the last piece of the puzzle for a new life, marriage, everything.
9111111 you always make so much sense. Yes, in a movie, things would have gone differently. In a movie, I would have opened the door, told her she needs help, she'd get help, and we'd remain friends just like you say. No movie here.
At this time I feel it is time to mobilize. I will persevere. My ex will not break me now.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
She conned my security in the building to get in.
Sorry this is happening to you. Sounds like you did well to break it off with her.
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