netta1966

I've posted on here several times over the last 8 months. My situation hasn't changed much. I left my AH in July after i hit rock bottom with his drunken rage. Since that time, I've been going to Al-Anon Meetings and i can say they have helped me in my recovery, but i'm still suffering. My AH has been going to AA meetings and is finishing up IOP(Intensive Outpatient). I see some improvement in his attitude BUT he has not stopped drinking more than a few days at a time. When he hasn't nothing to do, he goes to the bar. Since July, he's gotten a DUI, he didn't have to serve jail time for his assault charge because he was in Alcohol Treatment Program. The court ordered that if he gets in trouble again with alcohol, he's going to have to serve his 90 days. He says to me he wants to quit over and over but the same insanity over and over. I'm trying my best to stay busy, go to meetings, whatever but its evenings like this that I cannot stop worrying about him. I pray, i grieve over the man that i married and feel that Im losing. It's so difficult and heartbreaking. I know that many have and are going thru the same as I. Any suggestions on how you relieved the suffering and worrying? For everyone going thru this, i feel and pray for you. It's horrible but it can be a blessing in the end. I just got to get there. Thank you Netta

MissFixit

Mentally detach, detach, detach... You can only control yourself, not him. Work on you, like it sounds like you're doing.

Chelsea1029

I am so sorry, I know it is so hard to see someone you love destroy themselves and not be able to do anything about it. I am so sad about my AH as well. Especially when the kind person he used to be shows through. However, I know it's best for me and my children if I stay healthy so I try my best to focus on them and me. It's not easy. I remind myself he has to help himself I can't. I try to accept that for what it is. Another one of life's difficult blows. When I'm dwelling too much on it I distract myself with netflix marathon or a book , anything to nit think about it.

CodeJob

Hi Netta,

I am sorry for your heartbreak. I think you correctly identify that you are grieving the man your H was prior to becoming a cycling A.

My Qualifier supposedly is at church right now. It perhaps was not the best day to let RAH wander about town solo seeing as it is St. Patricks day. I could sit here and worry and fret that maybe he is drinking right now. He mentioned Guinness just this am as he was getting ready for work. I do have some trust issues still - things trigger. I probably said yes it is a good day for a Guinness though it was a bit of grim humor.

Tonight for me was a gift running errands on my own time, a veggie pizza just for me, a new book, and Step 4 thinking. Actually tossed the junk mail and started the DW I was so happy to have the house to myself.

Last year I saw this phrase I think in the worry board or anxiety. "Worrying is like praying for what you don't want." It was my signature quote until just recently. My other favorite quote is Samuel Clemens which paraphrasing here ,"I've worried about a lot of dire situations in my life; some of which happened."

This isn't too say I don't get twisted up sometimes, I certainly do. But there are also nights the herbal tea and melatonin help me quiet my mind enough to quell my future tripping, what ifs and general anxiety. I put myself in my HPs pocket as she wears a huge wArm enveloping robe. I stick my Mr. denial RAH with whatever saint comes to mind first and drift off.

Peace to you, and laughter too bc life is too short to be grim.

netta1966

Thank you for your replies. Today I feel like a doin for worrying. I give him a ride to work because I work next door to him and he has no car. He was a big jerk, blaming me and saying I chose my mother over him because I'm not with him. I could smell the alcohol on him from last night. His alter ego came out as the biggest jackass. And as always says he wants a divorce like that's news to me. I told him that's fine with me. The person he was this morning is the person I cannot stand. And I get so angry when he blames me and doesn't get the fact that I left because of his alcoholism. We have marriage as long he is actively drinking. I guess he don't get that part but those are my boundaries. Thanks for listening Netta

SparkleKitty

Netta, I found that limiting contact as much as possible with my XABF was the only thing that helped me to really move on from him and turn the focus of my life onto myself. I know that your living situation makes this extremely difficult, but you do have control over whether or not you give him rides to work or not. Sending you hugs and strength.

hopeful4

I just made my husband leave for good last Friday. I am very very worried for him as I fear he will either go into a deep depression or spiral out of control and this will affect my kids in a big way.

I agree with the above post that says detatch. I am praying for him but I realize it is no different than when he did live with us, I could not control his actions then and I surely cannot control them now. He has to find himself, I realize that. I hate the pressure that puts on my kids and I remind them all the time they cannot control the actions of anyone else either.

I hope you continue to do things for you so that you stay well.

God Bless.

milky

i used to be a pretty big worrier but i was able to seek help and change the way I think about things. Did you know probably 99% of the things I worried about didn't even happen. That means even though I was prepared that 1% it did happen i was wasting a lot of energy the other 99% of the time.

You should start a worry journal. Then set a time let's say from 6 pm to 7 pm when you can worry about things. Write everything you are worried about in the journal. When your hour is up you have to stop worrying until the next day at 6pm. If you start to worry about something and it's not 6pm tell yourself you can't worry about that until your worry hour. Then let it go until then. You get a chance to prepare for it.

In a week go back and read the journal. Reread the entire journal every week. Mark down if something you were worried about didn't happen. You will start to notice basically everything you were worrying about never happened.

lillamy

"Detach" is the first word that comes to my mind, too.
Detaching is not a one-time thing. It's a minute-by-minute thing initially, and then it becomes a gradual thing.

I used to look at friends who had been married before with envy when they could, just in passing, say things like "oh yeah my ex was into golfing too" as if they said "I think it may rain this afternoon" -- without trauma, without pain, without anxiety. I envied people who said "yeah I was married before but I'm not sure what he's doing now, I don't even think about him"...

But I'm getting there. I no longer feel guilt or responsibility for him any more than I feel guilt or responsibility for any addict out there. I feel compassion and sadness for him, but I have more and more days when I don't think about him. I know it sounds weird since I post so much here, but I'm after four years finally able to start weeding through what I went through and how it affected me without focusing on him. He's more an abstraction than someone I feel "tied" to in any way, if that makes sense.

So detach, detach, detach. And keep detaching.

FireSprite

Honestly, once I REALLY accepted that I truly & fully had NO control it was a heck of a lot easier to stop worrying. I started using breathing exercises & mantras & stuff like that at first because it took a while for that auto-response of panic to stop rising to the surface all the time.

When I would feel it (flush skin, constricted chest, no focus, panic) I would start deep breathing & repeat over & over to myself: "I cannot control his decisions, I am only responsible for me" (or something similar) until I felt better. I HAD to do something like this in order to re-train my brain to stop following the old script, to stop reacting & change directions. It helped me to transition into detachment easier too, I think. I hope you find something that helps you soon!

MissFixit

Don't give him rides anymore. This does not benefit you.

netta1966

Thank you so much.. i've heard of this before but haven't tried it. I think it's time for me to pull out the journal!!!

robgt350

nette

well sorry to hear this, but i think your story is all too common. but i learned dealing with addiction is to distract your self and occupy your mind and body. i had to find new hobbies and interests that i did not enjoy before. for example i learned how to cook dishes i saw in books, tv, adds ect. while i cook i listen to music i enjoy. i started to exercise. i got back into reading books. and i started the hobby of sudoku puzzles.
this might sound silly, but these take my mind off things and before i know it i was in a world of peace even if i could not solve that puzzle, my food tastes no so good.
but also come to the chat room, great people in there to talk to real time.

netta1966

Thank you for your advice. You made me think about this and i realized I need to let go of the rope that I'm holding. I chose to change my work schedule to ce in later which benefits me. But he was left with no other choice but to either ride the bus or get a car. So he acted fast. It only took a day for him to get serious about a car and now has one lined up to buy. I knew what he was up to was depending on me for rides so he could continue to blow his car money on drinking. I was enabling him. Well this got his wheels a spinning. Im proud to let go one thing at a time one day at a time. Netta

wolfpackfan45

The worrying is the worst, but you can get better. It just takes time. Keep going to your meetings and if you pray, keep praying. The worry over my son aged me quickly and I ended up with PTSD from the stress. I eventually went to my medical Dr. and went on an antidepressant, and he also referred me to a counselor. It has helped me to look at things more logically and reasonably. I had to fight to get better. One thing my counselor said to me really struck home. He asked me what if I worried for years and years and the thing i worried about never happened. I would have wasted all those years of my life. For some reason that struck home for me. Do what you need to do for you to be able to have a life without the worry that addiction brings on in family members. It's hard, but you can do it! Keep working at it. I used to pray the serenity prayer over and over when it started creeping back in on me. It helps.

MissFixit

You go girl. Addicts are very resourceful when they need to be.

m1k3

Netta, a simple mindfulness tool that I used was whenever I found myself worrying about something I would say to myself "that's not happening now". It's a simple way to break the worry habit. Now I have to admit I must have said that about a thousand times a day in the beginning but now I almost never have to use it.

It also works with other unskillful thought patterns like when you are arguing with someone in your head ask yourself "who are you talking to?"

Your friend,

netta1966

I'm not living with my alcoholic spouse but I stil go by our house to visit our cat change his litter because my ah doesn't do it often enough. Sometimes I will pick up some food for him since his fridge is usually empty. I only go there when he's not home and usually it's once or twice a week. Me and an are on friendly terms but I have no intention of going back to him. He's still drinking and as far as I know he's not going to anymore AA meetings. Am I enabling him ? I know I'm co dependent but trying. I've been and still going to alanon. Used to do his laundry but stopped that. What's your thoughts on this. I know I need some good advice here cause I can't seem to slow down much on the worry. Thanks.

Eauchiche

Hi Netta
I'm still working out those details for myself too.
I think we have to just find what works for us. If we can maintain our own sanity and peace and interact with them, then all the better. If seeing them makes us spiral into a depression, then maybe best not to.
I wish you all the best. Prayers ascending for you!