hopeful4

This is killing me. Although my kids saw everything that happened Friday night, they are still struggling so much.

I listened to them sob last night, I listened to them cry this morning. How do people get through this? They miss the familiarity and are scared and I realize this. I just don't know what to do to help them. I cannot get into the counselor until next Tuesday and am just lost.

Help!!!

SparkleKitty

Provide routine. This is short-term crisis mode, and they will adapt to the new normal. It has not been as long as it has felt, I promise you. Stay strong, mama. You did the right thing.

hopeful4

Thank you. It just rips my heart out to hear their gut wrenching sobs and not be able to do anything to help them through it. They are both the same, neither one is saying much. And my little girl feeds off the older one, so if she is upset the little one gets upset too.

Sigh.....

dandylion

hopeful4---the children are and will be looking to you for cues. I concur with Sparkle Kitty's post. Children look for security in 24hr. increments. Daily routine is important to them. Sort of like: "What's going to happen today?"

The m ore you come across as confident and relaxed and reassuring---the less fearful they will be. Being allowed to express their feelings and ask questions is also important.

Children are good at "reading" our tone of voice and body language as well as our actions. I think spending extra time with them is good also---like more time in bedtime routine. More time cuddling and talking with them. Extra soothing.

I hope this helps.......I do know that this is more difficult when you are feeling more needs for yourself , also.

Hang in....it does get easier. I did it with 3 small children.

dandylion

lillamy

It's hard. I took two days off work after I left and just took the kids outside. We spent time in the woods, climbing trees and throwing rocks in the water and just getting away from thinking too much.

Are you sure you can't get into the counselor earlier? I would call and say it's really an emergency and you need to get in earlier. I know my counselor met with one of my kids at 7 am one morning and at 9 pm another night when things were really iffy for us.

JustAGirl1971

I second Sparklekitty, hopeful. Just be supportive, maintain your structure and routine, and give them lots of love and attention. And, remind them (as I'm sure you have been) that it's not their fault, they did not cause it, and that you'll all get through it with a little help from God. I've also been posting encouraging quotes and scripture on our bulletin board in the kitchen. Especially Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28, Matthew 6:33-34, and Ephesians 3:20. I also don't push mine to talk but make sure they know I am there to listen to anything they have to say. Counseling really helps mine, too.

I'm sorry, hopeful You will get through this, I promise. You are all stronger than you know.

MissFixit

Do you have a calendar marked in some public location that has all events and scheduled stuff?

My dad created a poster board sized spreadsheet that had month's at a time worth of events. Things that were big, concerts, recitals to things that were small, getting ice cream. EACH DAY of the month had an event. He did that for something like three months. We could look at it whenever we wanted, it was on the back of his bedroom door, to see what was next. That was what the child psychologist told him to do and he did it to help us transition after my mom left. That honestly was some of the best time with him EVER because he delivered special time each day for that period of our lives. I highly recommend something spelled out with dates that the kids can see. Movie night, date night with the girls, ice cream night, dance night, family walk night, picnic day, etc...

hopeful4

I love the chart idea! Part of the problem is that this is so new we don't have a schedule beyond tomorrow for them to be with their dad. I need to figure it out from week to week so I can tell them. Right now just living in the second to second.

Thank you all!

MissFixit

If you need something to do ASAP with them to distract, maybe you all could create a poster for this month with special events each day. they could decorate it and help figure out fun stuff.

hopeful4

I think that is a good idea. Last night I tried...we made cookies and decorated them. It went well until they were done with that. Sobbing commenced right away. Awful, just awful.

MissFixit

I am sorry. I think it is just going to be sad for them and you for a while. If it wasn't sad, then you would need to worry. My sister and I were 7 and 2, and slept together for months during that time. I think that helped her. MAybe bunking together for a while and just crying it out when they need it.

I know you are going to be exhausted, but from everything you have written, you are making the right choice for all of you.

JustAGirl1971

Those first two weeks we did a lot of movie nights and game nights (board games) in our pjs. We also cooked dinner together a few nights. We've also kept really busy on the weekends... going to movies at the cheap theater, hanging out with family and friends, etc. It is hard because, as others have said, you're all hurting. I'm sorry, hopeful

Ofelie

We get through it one day at a time. Some days its hour by hour. Get them to focus on right now. It has helped mine a bunch. I designated one room in the house a no stress zone, no fighting, crying or dicussing bad things, for when one of us has had an overfill of discussing it all to death. We spend a lot of time talking, hugging, crying. I pull my youngest onto my lap, we put our foreheads together and she whispers what is upsetting her. I give them time with me alone, individually, to express their thoughts, emotions. They all are processing it differently, because they are different ages and different people. My midddle daughter is very close mouthed, but reacting in anger, lashing out. I encouraged her to write and she has been writing some amazing poetry that tells me how she is feeling. It seems that she is writing about me, what she sees me feeling, and its the only way she feels safe telling me. The impact upon the kids is so huge, I really think we all underestimate how much it affects them. Having said that, your behavior right now affects them as well. You falling apart will cause them to worry. They will end up more concerned about what you are going thru and that isn't much better. Its important that they see us fall, and then get back up stronger even if our knees are scraped and bleeding. Take it slow, and be like a mama hen, gathering her babies beneath her wings, spreading them over her chicks. Have you ever seen a hen do that? She sits down gently clucking, calling them to her. She lifts her wings for them and shelters them as they burrow into her sides, into her warmth where it is safe. I noticed that I was isolated in some ways from my kids by him. It helps them, to get so much more time with me. During this time of transition, everything else can wait, other than normal routines, etc. Basically, I am focusing on us, on them more than ever, while we heal.

FireSprite

I love the chart idea!!

In addition to all the great advice above, I would say don't be afraid to let them see that you need support as well. Tell them how you are reaching out to friends, therapists, your CR group, etc. Let them know that as much as you are marching forward resolutely, that doesn't mean you aren't hurting.... That you have to be that way sometimes to protect them. That your door is always open, that no question is too stupid to ask, that you may not always have the answers, but that you can promise to give them the most respectful answer you can. That if they are uncomfortable talking to you that's OK too, so long as they talk to someone.

Tell them that you can't promise to know all of the changes that are in store, but that you can promise to help finding the best possible way to cope with it all.

My daughter also wanted me to touch base with her teacher when we had drama... she didn't want to have to be the one to explain it all, but if she had a break down during class she wanted her teacher to know why.

JustAGirl1971

I forgot one other thing - someone here recommended rearranging the furniture to make the space feel more like "mine." I did some of that for me... nothing too drastic but enough to give it a different feel. That worked for my kids but may be more upsetting for others. It did, however, make dd want to change her room. She's done a little rearranging and we are working on plans for redecorating her room.

hopeful4

Yes, we will stay busy. I think that is why it was so hard yesterday, Sunday we are busy but it was always as a family, so that day was extra hard. I talked to my older daughter a bit ago, she seemed ok. Not great, but OK. My little one I have not talked to yet this afternoon, so we will see.

Tonight one has cheer and one has dance, so it will be really busy, and that is good. I am also looking forward to the nicer weather, we can really keep active then.

Last night I did tell them they could sleep with me and initially they would not. They ended up coming in, so me, both girls and the dog all slept in my bed which was fine w/me. I know part of it yesterday was also them being tired. It was a really long weekend with not alot of sleep.

I really do thank everyone for all of your support and ideas. I love them and have been so wishy washy on this for so long that I question myself every step of the way. I just talked to my AH, (wow...I guess XAH).....for about 2 seconds about an upcoming bill. I can already see his attitude is changing from "i'm sorrry" to "whatever" and a little short. While I expect it, I just hate it b/c I would love to just successfully coparent but I know he won't let it be that easy.

I am hoping that today will be a little better when I get home, we shall see.

God Bless!

Ofelie

We did that, we rearranged the table and chairs on the deck. He spent so much time out there drinking and smoking it became his space. He even took away all but two chairs, and shoved the table over so there was no place for them if they wanted to come outside with us. After he left we all went out a few days later and cleaned up all the cigarette trash, beer cans, vodka bottles. Brought out the chairs for all of us. Turned it back into our space again. It was a small thing, but that day it gave them power. It gave them a new fresh space, without changing too much. Now its our stress free zone as I mentioned above.

CodeJob

Here are some things DS and I did last year while H was "at that place.":

Sunday night after Al Anon was Chinese night.

Maybe make them act like minions and dance around to Pharrell? That freakin song seems to come on and you can't help but tap your feet to it. We are big Despicable Me fans. We dance to music and sing along in the car.

Library run. It is quite amazing that they have magazines, movies, games, music, audio books, e-books, etc. Everyone has to pick something new.

My DS and I often catch up while walking the dog and/or running.

I sit on the couch with DS and we watch "Modern Family," Phineas and Ferb, and other shows on Disney/Nick with kids smarting off.

DS will instruct me on the newest hot thing, like flappy bird. Which makes me roar with laughter each time I die. I am so terrible and it is a total stress reliever to crack up like that. Other games he has introduced me too I get temporarily hooked. He thinks that is funny when I waste time like that.

I took an electric fireplace thing and stuck in in front of my bed. We'd turn that on and we'd just read, play on iPads, and just crash out whenever. The sound it made and the heat it gave off was soothing. My room is a nice calming color and we both just chilled. He could act like a big kid but it was evident he needed me close.

That is the one sad thing, my kid really matured a lot last year. He has always seemed older than his years, but he clearly watches out for me now. I almost get more support and attention from him than my H. I did take him to counseling. I bribed him with various forms of ice cream.

We laughed a lot over stupid stuff that would have driven my H to angry outbursts. Like I let him cut the grass in any old pattern. I just laughed when the lawnmower died and the grass was all uneven and unfinished. I just laughed when the garage door broke and let it be a day before I got up on a ladder and managed to fix it. I just laughed when he lost his shoe one night.

I talked positively about H. Even when I did not feel it I made sure to tell a funny story or relay a conversation or ask if he had anything to send to rehab.

We purposely ate at places and went to places H did not like. So we hung out at Best Buy one day. I think in turn we went to Barnes and Noble. I love to hang out and read stuff for free.

Hugs. You are doing just fine. One day at a time.

dandylion

Ofelie---thank you so much for the Hen and chicks imagry!! It really touched my heart.

I spent years on my grandmother's farm when I was little--and helping with the chickens was part of my responsibilities. I loved the chickens and spent hours observing them and their behaviors. It is so sweet and maternal when they gather the little chicks--all under their wings.

This works so well with little children.

Too bad that we can't do that with the adult children---with adult alcoholic children that could be part of enabling behavior if not applied very judiciously.

Sigh.........

dandylion

FireSprite

Oh, yes, forgot about rearranging furniture and de-cluttering. We did that too.

We also started a fun, new way of eating out... We took turns deciding where we would eat. The rules were: it had to be a NEW restaurant that we hadn't eaten at before & no one could veto the restaurant choice. DD found she loves all kinds of stuff she initially turned her nose up at, like miso soup. It gave her a little touch of the 'foodie' bug and we started watching a lot of cooking/ shows together. (& practiced making a bunch of desserts )