rlxsn

My wife and I would enjoy wine together every weekend for as long as we've been together (10+ years). It was always a social thing on the weekend's but grew to more for me as I began to drink more and more until finally deciding to stop 8 months ago as I saw it was a problem. My wife continues to drink and while it doesn't bother me that she drinks, I am seeing things from a different perspective and am not sure how to 'be' now.. She has 2,3, 4 glasses Fri/Sat/Sun/Monday nights.. I know there is nothing I can do but she sometimes seems upset with me for not drinking.. just feeling a bit lost and wanted to share.

dandylion

rixsn---really, the only difference that I can see between you and any other spouse of an alcoholic (or situation where drinking is a problem), is that close approximation to drinking is usually a trigger for an alcoholic (you). I don' think it is a good thing to let your "guilt" over your past drinking blur your judgement----and worse---possibly put your sobriety at risk.

Your sobriety should still remain your first priority---without y our sobriety you won't be very much good to either of you. I am quite sure that you know this by now.....LOL.

It is possible that by putting boundaries for yourself--that she might see you as an example of how to be sober.......but, still--just a possibility.

These are my thoughts on your situation....

dandylion

rlxsn

dandylion - thanks for your note. I've found strength in being so close to someone else drinking. The more I see from this side confirms my decision to stop. I have a hard time with the guilt because I am reminded of the things I've done to hurt her so I just let things go as she wants them to.

I hear her singing my praises to others about my decision but when we are alone she often says things that are quite hurtful.

I'm just trying to find a healthy place

milky

Ha I know the feeling. My wife resents me for quiting too. I know she thinks it's just a matter of time before I start up again. Still going strong though. Congrats on your sobriety.

rlxsn

Stay strong my friend. You can do this.

FeelingGreat

Hmmm it sounds like there is some resentment there. If you have a reasonable marriage it might be time to sit down for an honest talk about it, without aggression or blame. Maybe with some quiet delving, you'll be able to work out what's going on in her head.
It's not unusual for drinkers to resent non-drinkers; they see them maybe as a reproach or threat to their own drinking.

Raider

Congrwts in 8 months. Thats awsome!!!

rlxsn

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Unfortunately, a quiet talk is virtually impossible with her as she takes everything like this as an attack and it turns into WWIII. I think she doesn't like that I may be labeled as having a drinking problem by others.

dandylion

rixsn--of course, she wouldn't like you to be called an "alcoholic"---because that means that they might call her one also---and theat would threaten her drinking, also.

Anyone or anything that threatens her ability to comfortably drink will be viewed as the enemy (and, will be treated as such).

You are in an uncomfortable position. I believe that more detachment would help.

Alanon would be a good help for you. Not for her---for YOU!

dandylion

rlxsn

I'm actually not sure if I am an 'alcoholic' (I'm not in denial I promise). I will say for certain that I turn to alcohol for the wrong reasons and drink too much when I do. I think you are right about her fearing she may be called an alcoholic or maybe that she doesn't want to be knows as the wife of an alcoholic.. What do you mean by more detachment?

FeelingGreat

That's where a good counsellor can help. If you don't think she'll go see if you can find a book on Amazon called 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty' which has a brilliant section on initiating discussions with people who we don't want to alienate. I've tried it myself and it works almost too well!

CodeJob

Thanks for the book recc Feeling Great!

Rev 3:16

I could have written your post a few months ago. Wife and I were both "Good Time Charlies" and loved to drink when out on the town, or when fixing a great dinner at home--which sometimes never made it from stove to plate because we just plain got sh!tfaced. But we did it together.

Then I stopped. Didn't like what was happening to me, didn't like the loss of control, didn't like waking up in the morning feeling awful, looking worse and wondering what happened. Also, I was 30 pounds over weight and at 68 I didn't need to be carrying around the bowling ball that was my stomach. I won't say it was easy, but I was motivated to lose the weight and I have, 35 pounds and heading toward 40. Working out and eating healthy.

The wife has increased her consumption. Champagne is the drug of choice and she'll start at breakfast when she's home. (We have an odd living situation. Posted backstory over in the newbie section.) End of the day, 2 to 2.5 bottles have been drunk and she will either take a nap at 4:30 p.m. and wake up 3 hours late and take up drinking until midnight, by which time I've gone to bed; or she'lll stay up till 7:30 and pass out for the night.

She's brilliant, fun and lovely when sober. She's nasty, bitingly sarcastic, and incredibly clumsy when she's drunk.

I've gotten her into counseling, and am planning a "come to Jesus" talk when she gets home in 10 days. A visit to the doc revealed two serious alcohol-related illnesses in early stages. I thought it'd scare her. It may have but it didn't make her stop.

My take away message: I wish I'd done this earlier before one bottle became one and a half, which became two which is now two and a half.

Good luck.