husband back on cocaine - repost as in wrong section, sorry
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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husband back on cocaine - repost as in wrong section, sorry
(I posted this earlier today in the wrong part of the forum, and was advised to repost it here. Thank you.)
Hi.
I'm not sure how to begin so will try to type without too much thought before I do, or I may not have enough time to finish.
I met my husband seven years ago. I had just come out of a relationship of twelve years with three children. He was lovely but had problems some of which I was unaware with to begin with. I did know that he took drugs and had done a lot of different ones in the past. I had not ever been around anyone (that I knew of anyway) who did them. When I found out and actually tasted some when I kissed him once I told him I could not be with anyone who took drugs. He told me that he would stop as I was more important to him than anything else.
I am now not sure that he ever did stop, although he said last night that he did, but I'll get to that in a minute.
After about a year I fell pregnant with my fourth, a little girl. We got married two and a half years ago. Everything has been fine apart from his sometimes extreme paranoia. I have dealt with that and have tried to make him at ease in his home and happy. As I'm writing this it all seems so feeble. I'm wondering what you are thinking reading this. Whether I'm an enabler or something. If so feel free to tell me what you think as I'm very good at taking criticism.
The weekend before last we went for a night out in the local pubs. When we got back I noticed on his phone logs (quite innocently noticed) that he had texted a man I know of through going into the pubs with my husband. And two phone calls at 01:30ish in the morning, while we were out. I remembered him following this guy to the toilet. His phone said there were texts sent in logs but there were no texts at all in his messages. Things started clicking into place. He didn't seem to really like this guy. Yet bought him a point when he saw him. In probably putting way too much detail in here, I guess I'm trying to justify my suspicions that effected my behaviour as I wasn't sure how to deal with this knowledge that I couldn't get out of my head.
I haven't been quite the same with my husband. I haven't been able to talk about it with anyone as I have no friends. When I mention say that this lady asked me round for a coffee he would get his paranoid head on and say that we were enough for each other. Im typing this and know I must seem pathetic to be controlled this way.
Last night in bed he asked me what was wrong so after a few minutes I told him that I was pretty certain he'd been taking drugs and I knew where he'd been getting them from. He was silent. I was expecting abject denial. That is what he always says"Deny, deny, deny". He said he lives me loads and wants to stop. He says he needs help from me and that when we go out we should keep away from those places and people.
I just don't know if he means it or just keeping me quiet. I don't know if I'm happy the way things are when I thought I was enough I put up with his paranoia but why should I put up with it? How can I help him when I realise he is an addict through and through. Sorry if I appear heartless, im pretty angry at the moment. His chosen drug iam pretty sure is cocaine. He is also an alcoholic but I don't think he'd ever admit that. He wants me to help, so he says, but how do I do that? I'm not truly sure he wants it.
I'm sorry I've written such a lot. If you've made it this far thank you for taking the time to read it. I hope I don't seem incredibly selfish as I'm angry and upset so what I've written is more about me than trying to find out how to help. I am worried about him. He worries about his health yet can have an instant heart attack on that stuff!.
Sorry! I just can't stop now its started. Thanks again. x
Hi.
I'm not sure how to begin so will try to type without too much thought before I do, or I may not have enough time to finish.
I met my husband seven years ago. I had just come out of a relationship of twelve years with three children. He was lovely but had problems some of which I was unaware with to begin with. I did know that he took drugs and had done a lot of different ones in the past. I had not ever been around anyone (that I knew of anyway) who did them. When I found out and actually tasted some when I kissed him once I told him I could not be with anyone who took drugs. He told me that he would stop as I was more important to him than anything else.
I am now not sure that he ever did stop, although he said last night that he did, but I'll get to that in a minute.
After about a year I fell pregnant with my fourth, a little girl. We got married two and a half years ago. Everything has been fine apart from his sometimes extreme paranoia. I have dealt with that and have tried to make him at ease in his home and happy. As I'm writing this it all seems so feeble. I'm wondering what you are thinking reading this. Whether I'm an enabler or something. If so feel free to tell me what you think as I'm very good at taking criticism.
The weekend before last we went for a night out in the local pubs. When we got back I noticed on his phone logs (quite innocently noticed) that he had texted a man I know of through going into the pubs with my husband. And two phone calls at 01:30ish in the morning, while we were out. I remembered him following this guy to the toilet. His phone said there were texts sent in logs but there were no texts at all in his messages. Things started clicking into place. He didn't seem to really like this guy. Yet bought him a point when he saw him. In probably putting way too much detail in here, I guess I'm trying to justify my suspicions that effected my behaviour as I wasn't sure how to deal with this knowledge that I couldn't get out of my head.
I haven't been quite the same with my husband. I haven't been able to talk about it with anyone as I have no friends. When I mention say that this lady asked me round for a coffee he would get his paranoid head on and say that we were enough for each other. Im typing this and know I must seem pathetic to be controlled this way.
Last night in bed he asked me what was wrong so after a few minutes I told him that I was pretty certain he'd been taking drugs and I knew where he'd been getting them from. He was silent. I was expecting abject denial. That is what he always says"Deny, deny, deny". He said he lives me loads and wants to stop. He says he needs help from me and that when we go out we should keep away from those places and people.
I just don't know if he means it or just keeping me quiet. I don't know if I'm happy the way things are when I thought I was enough I put up with his paranoia but why should I put up with it? How can I help him when I realise he is an addict through and through. Sorry if I appear heartless, im pretty angry at the moment. His chosen drug iam pretty sure is cocaine. He is also an alcoholic but I don't think he'd ever admit that. He wants me to help, so he says, but how do I do that? I'm not truly sure he wants it.
I'm sorry I've written such a lot. If you've made it this far thank you for taking the time to read it. I hope I don't seem incredibly selfish as I'm angry and upset so what I've written is more about me than trying to find out how to help. I am worried about him. He worries about his health yet can have an instant heart attack on that stuff!.
Sorry! I just can't stop now its started. Thanks again. x
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Hi,
I'm so sorry for what brought you here, but you are in the right place! People here are very helpful and supportive.
This happens to so many people so please don't judge yourself. Many of us have woken up one day and said "is this my life"? It's really hard to see it creeping up, especially when there is deceit involved. And it's very hard to know what to do...to simultaneously really want to help him and be angry to the core. It's not selfish. It's exactly what happens. Give yourself a break.
My own story includes almost two decades with an alcoholic husband who finally admitted the alcoholism around the time he got into drugs, which he's still never admitted, though I didn't confront him on this one. He attempted to isolate me from friends and family through the years, and I allowed it because I thought you should put your husband first. In hindsight, that's one of the worst things, because when you wake up and need help one day, you feel so alone. And that keeps you trapped.
Reach out if you can. Everyone needs a broader support system, even in a happy, fulfilling marriage. It's not healthy to have only one real relationship.
Your gut tells you something is going on. From your post, I am hearing that he exhibits some of the controlling, abusive behaviors that often accompany addiction--isolating you and controlling your friendships. (The word "abuse" is scary, I know. It took me twenty full years to accept that part in my own life!) I'm not saying "he's an abuser"...but I am saying that he is behaving abusively toward you, and that's not okay. Addiction and abusive behaviors often go hand in hand, even for the nicest of people. You don't deserve that.
Trust your instincts. I don't know how much you've read here, but read, read, read! There are "stickies" at the top that have really good information in them. Reading others' experiences will show you that you're not alone, that you're not making a mountain out of a molehill, and that you can help yourself through this.
Seek counsel- friends or family, posting here, a therapist if that feels right, al-anon or Nar-anon if you can, multiple outlets to bounce things off of and find support. That's one of the best ways to help yourself see more clearly and determine what to do.
What you're experiencing is real. And it's normal to have your feelings. If you just need to vent, we are great listeners! And someone's almost always here.
Hugs.
I'm so sorry for what brought you here, but you are in the right place! People here are very helpful and supportive.
This happens to so many people so please don't judge yourself. Many of us have woken up one day and said "is this my life"? It's really hard to see it creeping up, especially when there is deceit involved. And it's very hard to know what to do...to simultaneously really want to help him and be angry to the core. It's not selfish. It's exactly what happens. Give yourself a break.
My own story includes almost two decades with an alcoholic husband who finally admitted the alcoholism around the time he got into drugs, which he's still never admitted, though I didn't confront him on this one. He attempted to isolate me from friends and family through the years, and I allowed it because I thought you should put your husband first. In hindsight, that's one of the worst things, because when you wake up and need help one day, you feel so alone. And that keeps you trapped.
Reach out if you can. Everyone needs a broader support system, even in a happy, fulfilling marriage. It's not healthy to have only one real relationship.
Your gut tells you something is going on. From your post, I am hearing that he exhibits some of the controlling, abusive behaviors that often accompany addiction--isolating you and controlling your friendships. (The word "abuse" is scary, I know. It took me twenty full years to accept that part in my own life!) I'm not saying "he's an abuser"...but I am saying that he is behaving abusively toward you, and that's not okay. Addiction and abusive behaviors often go hand in hand, even for the nicest of people. You don't deserve that.
Trust your instincts. I don't know how much you've read here, but read, read, read! There are "stickies" at the top that have really good information in them. Reading others' experiences will show you that you're not alone, that you're not making a mountain out of a molehill, and that you can help yourself through this.
Seek counsel- friends or family, posting here, a therapist if that feels right, al-anon or Nar-anon if you can, multiple outlets to bounce things off of and find support. That's one of the best ways to help yourself see more clearly and determine what to do.
What you're experiencing is real. And it's normal to have your feelings. If you just need to vent, we are great listeners! And someone's almost always here.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: West Midlands
Posts: 135
Hi upset,
im so sorry for what you are dealing with... i know where you are at, believe me i stumbled into these forums a couple of nights ago (literally) at my wits' end, with NO hope left whatsoever.
I too fell for the guy, then found out about the drugs, then believed about the giving up, finding the drugs, believed again, found evidence again... you have every right to be upset, confused, hurt, angry, disappointed, sad and all the other emotions you are feeling.. that is ONE thing i have learned these last few days from the people here.
Another thing i learned is that i may not LIKE what i read, that i may outrightly, indignantly scoff at first reading a reply but slowly, slowly UNDERSTAND what is being said to me.
Truth is... YOU and I cant "help" them.. they have to help themselves, and they have to want it bad enough. I dont know if my AH is actually serious this time round, hes making all the right noises, says hes attending addaction clinic.. but whether he is or is not.. i dont know. I just know that im a mess, emotionally and physically im a mess. There.. im admitting it on a public forum, that im out of control, that i believe is the first step for us to move on to recovery. I dont know what that recovery will look like, i obsess about it, but im learning, today, now, right here answering you, that it doesnt matter ... that i have started the journey. And so have you.. we both have taken that all important first step.. there are wonderful people here who are willing to push a little, some are just there to gently hold your hand, but nobody judges you.
I personally didnt read anything selfish in your post, but that is how our addicts can make us feel about ourselves.. it is up to us to reclaim the ME that we want, see, its only been two days and i have learned so much from everyone here.
I am in no position to give advice... but i want you to know that you are not alone, i too am where you are at.. i think we just have to remind ourselves that every journey begins with the first step
and i have just seen @Praying's answer to you she left me an equally loving and encouraging post when i was at my lowest. She truly is a gem x
im so sorry for what you are dealing with... i know where you are at, believe me i stumbled into these forums a couple of nights ago (literally) at my wits' end, with NO hope left whatsoever.
I too fell for the guy, then found out about the drugs, then believed about the giving up, finding the drugs, believed again, found evidence again... you have every right to be upset, confused, hurt, angry, disappointed, sad and all the other emotions you are feeling.. that is ONE thing i have learned these last few days from the people here.
Another thing i learned is that i may not LIKE what i read, that i may outrightly, indignantly scoff at first reading a reply but slowly, slowly UNDERSTAND what is being said to me.
Truth is... YOU and I cant "help" them.. they have to help themselves, and they have to want it bad enough. I dont know if my AH is actually serious this time round, hes making all the right noises, says hes attending addaction clinic.. but whether he is or is not.. i dont know. I just know that im a mess, emotionally and physically im a mess. There.. im admitting it on a public forum, that im out of control, that i believe is the first step for us to move on to recovery. I dont know what that recovery will look like, i obsess about it, but im learning, today, now, right here answering you, that it doesnt matter ... that i have started the journey. And so have you.. we both have taken that all important first step.. there are wonderful people here who are willing to push a little, some are just there to gently hold your hand, but nobody judges you.
I personally didnt read anything selfish in your post, but that is how our addicts can make us feel about ourselves.. it is up to us to reclaim the ME that we want, see, its only been two days and i have learned so much from everyone here.
I am in no position to give advice... but i want you to know that you are not alone, i too am where you are at.. i think we just have to remind ourselves that every journey begins with the first step
and i have just seen @Praying's answer to you
she left me an equally loving and encouraging post when i was at my lowest. She truly is a gem x
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Hello Upset and welcome to the forum although I am so sorry for what has brought you here. First I'd like to say you have come to a very special place with very loving, caring people who have been where you are and truly understand! My addict is my son so my circumstances are a bit different than yours although I understand the lies and deception. I would like to say please do not apologize for what you write and never feel we will judge you or think anything of you except sympathy and understanding.
It sounds like you are becoming stronger in your belief and also your ability to speak up. My belief is always trust your gut! Also your feelings and your life count! I think it is sad you do not have friends to confide in or go out with.
Have you tried attending any Al anon or Nar anon meetings? That could be of help to you. The last thing I'd like to say is you did not cause this and you cannot help him get recovery. You can, if you choose, be supportive but it is NOT your duty to babysit him and watch over him to see what he is or isn't doing. Exhausting isn't it? Been there, done that and it didn't change things. If they want to use, they will find a way.
Up top there are stickies that have a huge amount of information that will be very helpful to you. I also highly suggest you read "Co Dependent No More" by Melanie Beatty. Many of us have read it. I have read it twice Keep coming back and learning and talking. It really does help! The best thing I have learned here is I cannot take on my son's addiction and I had to learn to let go and let God. I tried to control things for years and it didn't ever work out well.
It sounds like you are becoming stronger in your belief and also your ability to speak up. My belief is always trust your gut! Also your feelings and your life count! I think it is sad you do not have friends to confide in or go out with.
Have you tried attending any Al anon or Nar anon meetings? That could be of help to you. The last thing I'd like to say is you did not cause this and you cannot help him get recovery. You can, if you choose, be supportive but it is NOT your duty to babysit him and watch over him to see what he is or isn't doing. Exhausting isn't it? Been there, done that and it didn't change things. If they want to use, they will find a way.
Up top there are stickies that have a huge amount of information that will be very helpful to you. I also highly suggest you read "Co Dependent No More" by Melanie Beatty. Many of us have read it. I have read it twice
Keep coming back and learning and talking. It really does help! The best thing I have learned here is I cannot take on my son's addiction and I had to learn to let go and let God. I tried to control things for years and it didn't ever work out well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 11
I thank you all for your replies and understanding. I haven't time now to reply properly. I am being controlled. Even now I feel I have to go to bed as he expects me to. I am so not the person I think I am. I thought I was stronger. I will reply better tomorrow. Thank you so much, it means so much to me to have you here now. I don't feel quite so alone.
I don't feel quite so alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 11
Thank you praying, I can totally relate to what you are saying about how you ended up feeling with your husband. I just wanted an easy life, so I was agreeable because I hate arguing.
Thank you Lost Hope. I'm glad I found this place and so pleased that you have talked to me and everyone else who has. I have more understanding now like you, but still unsure how to go on. I really do feel less alone.
Thank you needing a break, I'm sorry about your son. I checked online and the only NA in this country is in London. Which is way too far to go. I'm not sure what they do in my little market town I will check it out. I have been reading some of the stickies. I read about love and its healthiness, ours is very sick.
I feel guilty in a way as I think I've always known his love isn't a normal love. Conditions. Jealousy. Controlling. Selfish. Never giving without receiving.
I should have known.
His paranoia is extreme. There I've admitted it. Lol. I can't even talk to my older teenage children in the kitchen without him wanting to know exactly what was said. When our daughter was a baby I would change her in another room and one night she cried and cried, when I came out after he looked at me really angry and asked me what I was doing to her!!! I would never hurt my children! Just trying to show extent of his paranoia. There are the usual paranoid thoughts. Everyone truly is out to get him. They plan ways at work of how to catch him out and get him the sack. That is his mind. I have pretty much stopped going out in the day shopping as he is sure I am meeting someone. I don't want to end up arguing because after years of trying to ease his mind it is wearing me down. There are times when its good don't get me wrong, but I can't see a happy ending. I can't see him changing.
I haven't been the same with him, I haven't argued,I haven't broached the subject again. I will have to, he just expertly twists everything so he is the injured person. I know pretty soon he will get angry as he thinks he has told me what I want to hear that he will stop and by him saying that I know he expects everything to ho back to normal. Shall have to go now and get some work done. Will check in when I have a minute. Thanks for letting me rant.
Thank you Lost Hope. I'm glad I found this place and so pleased that you have talked to me and everyone else who has. I have more understanding now like you, but still unsure how to go on. I really do feel less alone.
Thank you needing a break, I'm sorry about your son. I checked online and the only NA in this country is in London. Which is way too far to go. I'm not sure what they do in my little market town I will check it out. I have been reading some of the stickies. I read about love and its healthiness, ours is very sick.
I feel guilty in a way as I think I've always known his love isn't a normal love. Conditions. Jealousy. Controlling. Selfish. Never giving without receiving.
I should have known.
His paranoia is extreme. There I've admitted it. Lol. I can't even talk to my older teenage children in the kitchen without him wanting to know exactly what was said. When our daughter was a baby I would change her in another room and one night she cried and cried, when I came out after he looked at me really angry and asked me what I was doing to her!!! I would never hurt my children! Just trying to show extent of his paranoia. There are the usual paranoid thoughts. Everyone truly is out to get him. They plan ways at work of how to catch him out and get him the sack. That is his mind. I have pretty much stopped going out in the day shopping as he is sure I am meeting someone. I don't want to end up arguing because after years of trying to ease his mind it is wearing me down. There are times when its good don't get me wrong, but I can't see a happy ending. I can't see him changing.
I haven't been the same with him, I haven't argued,I haven't broached the subject again. I will have to, he just expertly twists everything so he is the injured person. I know pretty soon he will get angry as he thinks he has told me what I want to hear that he will stop and by him saying that I know he expects everything to ho back to normal. Shall have to go now and get some work done. Will check in when I have a minute. Thanks for letting me rant.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: West Midlands
Posts: 135
upset... im in the uk too, im in the west midlands. AH's brother has paranoid schizophrenia and if you thing you need help with him, call an ambulance. But, as i can say from personal experience, NHS help is virtually non existant. You could see if you have an addaction center or aquarius or FACES in your local area. If you want, pm me and we can chat and can see if i can find something for you x
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