So now I forget...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
So now I forget...
Hello,
First may I say God bless this website. I have found myself reading so many postings from the friends & family forum. I pray that everybody's prayers are answered, & broken hearts are mended. Here it is: he & I met, sparks & fabulous... Yeah, yeah, the last night of the summer I saw the/his drinking come to life. It was so sad. He even said, "I'm blowing it aren't I honey" I saw a grown man who treated me like a queen become a "early 20 ish" guy at the end of the night. His friends at a bar where shoving the shots to him, he was drinking them..I wanted to scream, "leave him alone!" That night I felt it was "good bye instead of goodnight" at least from my heart. I knew... I knew. He was wonderful all summer until the night the disease he has showed itself. I tried to make it work, I tried. I was kind, loving, the therapist & cheerleader all in one. I did get him phone numbers for therapist & rehab centers- I'm calling places while he's out. I know. I need to forget, my heart hurts but my brains know the facts. How do I do this? I want to talk & clear air, he responds every now and then. He doesn't when I say I miss him tho. I haven't done that In about 3 months tho. Any kind & supportive words. God bless you, I pray your hearts are mended again. Thank you, please be a little gentle with me. I don't see myself as addicted to him - I just want to clear the air. I've gotten to the point I feel ticked off, not clingy& crying- I'm a lion who wants him to see me roar. Maybe it will help him, I don't know.. If you do, please respond. This is my very first post. I feel relieved to share with other people who have been there . Amen .
First may I say God bless this website. I have found myself reading so many postings from the friends & family forum. I pray that everybody's prayers are answered, & broken hearts are mended. Here it is: he & I met, sparks & fabulous... Yeah, yeah, the last night of the summer I saw the/his drinking come to life. It was so sad. He even said, "I'm blowing it aren't I honey" I saw a grown man who treated me like a queen become a "early 20 ish" guy at the end of the night. His friends at a bar where shoving the shots to him, he was drinking them..I wanted to scream, "leave him alone!" That night I felt it was "good bye instead of goodnight" at least from my heart. I knew... I knew. He was wonderful all summer until the night the disease he has showed itself. I tried to make it work, I tried. I was kind, loving, the therapist & cheerleader all in one. I did get him phone numbers for therapist & rehab centers- I'm calling places while he's out. I know. I need to forget, my heart hurts but my brains know the facts. How do I do this? I want to talk & clear air, he responds every now and then. He doesn't when I say I miss him tho. I haven't done that In about 3 months tho. Any kind & supportive words. God bless you, I pray your hearts are mended again. Thank you, please be a little gentle with me. I don't see myself as addicted to him - I just want to clear the air. I've gotten to the point I feel ticked off, not clingy& crying- I'm a lion who wants him to see me roar. Maybe it will help him, I don't know.. If you do, please respond. This is my very first post. I feel relieved to share with other people who have been there . Amen .
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Hi Bernadette,
That was very kind of you to wish for broken hearts to be mended. I wish that for you too.
By an addict or not, we've all had our hearts broken. Never easy and it always hurts. Nothing but time ever helped me through the hurt. I just tried to remember that it just showed that I had a deep capacity to love. That's not a bad thing.
I wish you some happiness here real soon. Take good care of yourself. Don't forget to love yourself too.
((Hug))
That was very kind of you to wish for broken hearts to be mended. I wish that for you too.
By an addict or not, we've all had our hearts broken. Never easy and it always hurts. Nothing but time ever helped me through the hurt. I just tried to remember that it just showed that I had a deep capacity to love. That's not a bad thing.
I wish you some happiness here real soon. Take good care of yourself. Don't forget to love yourself too.
((Hug))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
To anyone who reads my very first post, I think I posted in the incorrect forum. I thought it was going into the friends & family section. Please, please, please, excuse & forgive me. I pray for sobriety for all. I'm very sorry for not getting my little post into the correct forum and I applaud you for your work for your recovery. Please excuse my lack of technological usage.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Hi Bernadette,
Welcome to SR.
I love an addict, too. We are reconnected lovers from our early 20s, now middle-aged. He is now my x, I haven't seen him in almost 8 months. I will always love him, and I still communicate that to him occasionally, as does he to me.
I am working to mend my heart, too - working to forgive myself for clinging to shreds of hope and his empty promises for way too long, for exposing myself and my dear daughters to the emotional roller coaster that is loving an active alcoholic, and for letting them see some scary weird drunken behavior they will probably never forget.
I finally stopped believing that anything I do or say will help him "see the light"; in fact, I finally realized I had to get out of his way if he had a fighting chance at pulling it together. He hasn't. But my daughters and I no longer feel the fall out.
I think you can grieve, and even love from a distance, and be grateful each day that you are not collateral damage in an addict's life.
Be well, and take good care of yourself.
Welcome to SR.
I love an addict, too. We are reconnected lovers from our early 20s, now middle-aged. He is now my x, I haven't seen him in almost 8 months. I will always love him, and I still communicate that to him occasionally, as does he to me.
I am working to mend my heart, too - working to forgive myself for clinging to shreds of hope and his empty promises for way too long, for exposing myself and my dear daughters to the emotional roller coaster that is loving an active alcoholic, and for letting them see some scary weird drunken behavior they will probably never forget.
I finally stopped believing that anything I do or say will help him "see the light"; in fact, I finally realized I had to get out of his way if he had a fighting chance at pulling it together. He hasn't. But my daughters and I no longer feel the fall out.
I think you can grieve, and even love from a distance, and be grateful each day that you are not collateral damage in an addict's life.
Be well, and take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
Bernadette,
Welcome. You are in the right place.
My estranged AH is my qualifier. When love ends it hurts. There is absolutely no way around it. I still love my AH. He knows that we aren't getting divorced because I don't love him, we are getting divorced because I can't live with his choices. I miss him often. But, then there are lots of times I don't too. I like the peace without him, I miss having someone to cuddle up to at night. I like not walking on eggshells, I hate the way our church community sees this impending divorce... It's a balancing act. I have to just keep putting more on my side of the scale if I feel it tipping his way. It has nothing to do with love of the A... It has to do with loving myself more. I'm learning, it's a daily struggle. You can learn too. My Al-Anon sponsor told me a few weeks ago that MY recovery is a two speed car, it has reverse and forward, as long as I'm moving forward I'll be ok, even if I go slow. Reverse only gets me what I had and I don't need that.
Go forward...
Welcome. You are in the right place.
My estranged AH is my qualifier. When love ends it hurts. There is absolutely no way around it. I still love my AH. He knows that we aren't getting divorced because I don't love him, we are getting divorced because I can't live with his choices. I miss him often. But, then there are lots of times I don't too. I like the peace without him, I miss having someone to cuddle up to at night. I like not walking on eggshells, I hate the way our church community sees this impending divorce... It's a balancing act. I have to just keep putting more on my side of the scale if I feel it tipping his way. It has nothing to do with love of the A... It has to do with loving myself more. I'm learning, it's a daily struggle. You can learn too. My Al-Anon sponsor told me a few weeks ago that MY recovery is a two speed car, it has reverse and forward, as long as I'm moving forward I'll be ok, even if I go slow. Reverse only gets me what I had and I don't need that.
Go forward...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Hello D,
I just wanted to say thank you for taking your time to move my post/thread. I'm very grateful. I hope to be able to navigate the process of posting soon. Again, thank you for your help.
Bernadette777
I just wanted to say thank you for taking your time to move my post/thread. I'm very grateful. I hope to be able to navigate the process of posting soon. Again, thank you for your help.
Bernadette777
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Dear Spiderqueen & Allthings,
I just wanted to thank you both for your responses. Both of your responses really made me begin to "feel the healing" .My prayers are with you. I'm glad I found the website. I Thank God. The two speed imagery helps - moving forward even slowly, but moving forward. And not being around for him may help him, I see that & finally understand what that means. Again, I thank you both & God bless you.
Bernadette777
I just wanted to thank you both for your responses. Both of your responses really made me begin to "feel the healing" .My prayers are with you. I'm glad I found the website. I Thank God. The two speed imagery helps - moving forward even slowly, but moving forward. And not being around for him may help him, I see that & finally understand what that means. Again, I thank you both & God bless you.
Bernadette777
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hi Bernadette, Welcome!
I spent 8 hours writing a letter to my qualifier the other day. I did not give it to him. I have written quite a few missives to him that he has not received. Write your Lion Letter. It will help you work through what you want to say and you should get an instinct if you need to truly speak your piece or if by writing these thoughts down they are released from you enough that you can keep moving forward. There is no wrong answer.
I spent 8 hours writing a letter to my qualifier the other day. I did not give it to him. I have written quite a few missives to him that he has not received. Write your Lion Letter. It will help you work through what you want to say and you should get an instinct if you need to truly speak your piece or if by writing these thoughts down they are released from you enough that you can keep moving forward. There is no wrong answer.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 153
Welcome. It took me a long time to realize nothing I say to AH will make him stop, or care more, or treat me differently...and it is heartbreaking. It takes time to grieve the relationship. I struggle everyday but I also appreciate the peace in my life now. You will get there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Chelsea,
Thank you for writing that nothing I do or say will change his way to me or his thoughts. It's hard to swallow that, but it's so true. I thank you for the truth, it's the beginning of healing. Hugs to u.
Thank you for writing that nothing I do or say will change his way to me or his thoughts. It's hard to swallow that, but it's so true. I thank you for the truth, it's the beginning of healing. Hugs to u.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 153
It's hard to accept I know...I still get sucked in sometimes. It's so hard to understand how people can choose alcohol/drugs over loved ones. I am trying to accept that I will never understand, it just is. It's really validating to read on hear how similar addicts behave. I'm not to blame, I'm not crazy, I'm not controlling, and it's ok to have healthy boundaries. Even when it hurts unfortunately its so much healthier.
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