okee

Can someone be a high functioning alcoholic parent and not damage their child? What are the reprocusions of always being put second to alcohol? Will the child become an alcoholic when they get older? Will they seek out alcoholics as partners?

I'm a new mom and alcoholic who is in a relationship with a high functioning (high denial) alcoholic partner. I know that I'm an alcoholic and am working towards recovery. I did not drink at all during my pregnancy but since the birth of my daughter I have slowly found myself slipping. Especially now that I have stopped breast feeding. I keep catching myself though.

Although I am actively working towards sobriety by educating myself and trying to stay sober my partner it not. I know that I cannot make him do anything and that I can stay in this relationship as long as I can take care of myself. The problem now is I have a little person who can't take care of herself yet.

By staying with my partner am I being a bad parent? By leaving am I being a bad parent? I sometimes think, "well he's not around that much but he does say goodbye to her everymorning before he goes to work, and on the weekends he spends some time with us, if I leave him who knows when she will see him." By leaving him I could be taking away any chance of her having a relationship with her dad. By staying I feel like I may be leaving the door open to emotional abuse from neglect. I guess either way she could suffer from neglect.

Does anyone here have a story about how being raised by a functioning alcoholic has impacted their life? I want to do what's best for my daughter I just don't feel like I know enough to make that choice.

dogged14

My father was an extremely highly functioning alcoholic. He would have 10-15 drinks when he got home then pass out on the couch after dinner, wake up around 3am, go to bed and head to work around 6am. He was always there for me whenever I needed support and was an amazing father. He just happened to have an alcohol problem. His drinking never took him away from family.

On the other hand, my mom didn't drink. She was emotionally abusive when she wasn't completely absent.

I know my situation growing up is highly unusual but I just wanted to point out that alcohol (even in excess) doesn't make you a bad parent and doesn't necessarily have to have a negative effect on your children.

So, having grown up in the situation I did, I would say that you should consider how he acts as a parent rather than his consumption.

FeelingGreat

okee, how does his drinking affect you? Is he abusive? Emotionally absent?

I think you need to take the family relationship into account, not focus on just the one issue of your daughter's relationship with her father. Where does your sobriety fit in? I take it you're still at the moderating stage, but it's almost impossible for an alcoholic to moderate indefinitely. Not saying you're an alcoholic.

okee

My sobriety is always in flux being in this relationship. I am getting better but I do lapse, usually when I've had a long day or am under stress. I believe that I can eventually get it undercontrol. When I quit smoking (12 year smoker) I was five months clear when him and I got into a relationship. He was a chain smoker when we met. I never went back to smoking cigarettes and his smoking has decreased significantly. In a weird way seeing him on his drunk angry nights motivates me to stay away from alcohol. I'm not sure if its because I don't want to be like that or its my desparate (delusional) hope that if I show him I can stop he might too. Probably a little of both.

I am waiting to see how he is as a father. Right now he pays the bills and will spend time with her when I ask him to. Which I know is more than alot of men out there these days. But give him a choice he will rarely choose to spend time with us if there is something fun (drinking) going on with his friends or family. Saddly the quality time he spends with us is usually when he's hung over and doesn't want to get out of bed. Some progress recently occured though. He insists on getting our daughter out of the crib in the morning. Its his special time with her. I guess its too soon to see if he will be a good dad or let alcohol come first. In my eyes he needs to be there for her all the time and I see alcohol getting in the way of that. But I'm no fortune teller. Its just a very confusing time in my life.

jutam

I worked and had a great home and kids and studied and was either an alcoholic or addict. High functioning etc... As addiction is progressive, that relationship would be time limited for me. I don't want to role model to my kids that drinking is ok, and I don't want it accessible or normalised to them.. Both of my kids parents have been drinking alcoholics, so they have the genetic predisposition.... I will no longer give them the environment also. We owe our children everything, they owe us nothing. You can maybe get away with it when she is very young..... until he drops her or something. I choose to not have my children around addiction ever.... they don't deserve it. it is not okay for my kids.

horrible position for you..... quality time is not when someone is hungover and doesn't want to get up..... maybe time to set some boundaries??? best of luck to you all, and may you do what you can to fight the good sober fight for her.

yeahgr8

No you cannot be a high functioning parent and not damage your child even if that parent just sees the child once a week. Alcohol is a drug and mind and mood altering.

95% of alcoholics are high functioning, obviously this to non-alcoholics would appear normal but to us because we have a family, car, house, good job etc we are high functioning?! You can be the King of Brunei but if you are a drunk you are a drunk.

Would I have an active alcoholic anywhere near my child or grandchild, would I hell!

Keep working on you because you cannot change someone else, if you get and stay sober all this will work itself out. You may need to go to a group or get counselling for codependence though if it doesn't.

least

I'd wait a bit and see how he does with your child. And if you stay sober yourself maybe it will show him that it's possible to stay sober and still have a fun life. Whatever you do, take good care of yourself and your child.

MB8

Okee.
I want to give you my opinion from the side of the once alcoholic daddy. There is only one thing that is important to me in my life and that's being an amazing daddy to my two girls. Not my career, my golf game, or even my marriage. Don't get me wrong, I cherish my wife but god for bid if something were to happen we would both be ok. My girls is a whole different story. They need there dad. They need there dad every minute he can possibly give to them. And he must be sober. My own father was an alcoholic and it had repercussions that lasted well into young adulthood. It even lasted into my girls real young lives as I continued to drink. Then I woke up one day and said to myself " what are you doing? Could I be more selfish? ". And that was it. Done. Never again god willing. The way those girls look at daddy and worship the ground I walk on is a million times better than any drunk I've ever had. So do I believe a functioning alcoholic can be a great, even good, parent. No way. It will have lifetime effects. And I won't do that to my kids. I cherish the sober time that I have with my girls. You'll never get it back. I remember sitting on the couch with my 3 y/o while still drinking and she looked up at me and said " daddy you stink". She could smell the alcohol on my breath. That was enough for me. I'm not sure if your child is a little girl, but if so, strongly recommend he read the book Strong fathers, strong daughters. It changed my outlook on being a daddy. Good luck to you. MB8

MB8

Just re read your post and see that it is a little girl. Please recommend that book to him. The love between a daddy and daughter is unlike anything he will ever experience. The drink just isn't worth it. MB8

Thepatman

I am a father of a 7 year old and am a single dad.

I always took care of my son, played with him, have a good job etc.

But I only did the MINIMUM. Being half in the bag made me "absent". To be physically there is one thing, but to be 100% mentally there is another. When you play with your child but your mind is coordinating your next drink is not being there.

Now that I am sober, things are day and night.

KateL

I was no good to my children whilst drinking and they suffered for it. xxxxx

jdooner

You might want to read In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate. It is my view that addiction is part genetic predisposition and much about environmental exposure. If you are active and you child is coming second then I believe the likelihood you will raise is addict is very high.

I also think the term high function alcoholic is an oxymoron. Its like saying an underachiever is high functioning. You might be high functioning relative to someone else but you are low functioning as an alcoholic compared to your own natural abilities.

okee

She is a little girl and he is not the type to read a book ... but I am .. so I will put that at the top of my list. Thank you

okee

I will read this one as well

okee

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to my post. I'm glad to see there is a pretty clear message. When you are in a haze of cunfusion sometimes it just helps to have a direction pointed out to you. I will focus on taking care of me and my daughter and set some boundaries. For instance, would these be boundaries make sense? If he is drunk or hungover we will not stay home and/or I will not share the same bed with him. (I have a bed in the office I like).

okee

I hope he feels this way one day

Solar

I just want to add that as high-functioning as an alcoholic might be, no alcoholic is high-functioning enough to be there 100% for someone in an emergency. I would never forgive myself if my child was endangered or in a life-threatening situation and I failed to come to the rescue because I was drunk or passed out.

FreeOwl

As a parent, an alcoholic and a Daddy in Recovery I'd just like to go on record saying;

If you're an alcoholic and you're drinking, you're NOT "high-functioning"


I think that term is just something we use to make ourselves feel better.

Get sober and you'll see what I mean.