Gibbons2

You're so right Lizella. Drinking would only add to your anxiety. I can't believe all the years I used it to cope. It never did a thing but mask my feelings temporarily. Nothing gets dealt with while we're numb - it's best to feel things fully and handle them sober. Good job for not picking up.

What if they aren't ever DEALT with? What if there is nothing you can change about people? What if it is just what it is?

Then what? And I really want to know, so someone please tell me.

You accept what (and if anyone read my former posts, you might know what I am saying here), what they are offering?

What if they want to change the "rules," on a whim? Still you cater to them for what? To get you father with a gun in your face? To get a boyfriend whining and moaning about moving when HE AGREED to it initially?

What if people are just not honest? They want to "sneak it in" and think you don't notice? Aren't holding the score?

Then what do you do? Give them slack because they don't know what commitment is? Is that what you do? Go back on yourself to give them something and still for nothing?

My question would be, is why aren't people honest? Why not live up to your word, I do, even as a drunk I can run circles around how much I can give and live up to, but why not others? Why do the rules change because of their giant ego?

And what is here for me in the end? To KNOW people are like that and what? Accept what I cannot change? That everyone is liars and cheats and thinks of themselves?

And I get what? To live my life alone, knowing, and I DO know it, that it is true and trying to accept it. I have a hell of a hard time with it.

Dee74

Then I think you change yourself Gibbons.
You change your reaction to those people.

If that's impossible, or you find it doesn't help, then you may be better without those people in your life.

Drinking just ensures no change, with the added complication that an addiction brings.

D

Gibbons2

I don't disagree with you Dee, and I am trying to quit drinking. At least for this week I had 19 beers and it could be worse. But that is what I am left with dealing with, yep, be alone and you know what? It sucks and that IS the way I see it. And yes, I have trust issues, always have. You can't love your Dad to death and have a gun pointed in your face and feel like life it rosey.

It took me a long time to get sober years ago and trust the boyfriend. And he did the same thing. He agreed to our terms, conditions, whatever and then broke them. And I was left with scrambling after him, trying to get him to find a new job, because I didn't want to stay in Iowa because I wasn't happy, but he told me initially that if I moved in he would agree to leave in a year if I wasn't happy. Then I look like the bad girlfriend because I wasn't agreeing with the living conditions as they were.

When he AGREED to it in the first place!

How to I trust that people will do what they say they are going to do? New people? Who is that? They keep changing the rules on me all the time. And no, I can't trust that? And yes, it sucks that my only option, as leave as far as I can realize, is to be alone. Because they are all that way.

Gibbons2

And I truly don't get it. Like I said, I could be the biggest drunk around and I ALWAYS DO what I say I am going to do. ALWAYS. So why can't they? Why can't they follow through with a promise? Why not? Did they forget? I don't forget. I have a fairly good memory. I remember what they promised me and yes, I will hold their feet to the fire. And if you can't do it, don't tell me you WILL! How hard is that?

I never promise anything to anyone, drunk or sober, if I don't believe I can do it.

And it doesn't matter Dee. What I realize is that people have giant egos. Everyone wants what they want and sure, I do too, but I want THEM too. I just don't know how to get them.

Gibbons2

Yeah and doing what they want me to do just makes me a good little slave. That's all it ever did. I started my own business, after 19 years of working for a company, because I was tired of being a good "little slave." So yes, I can "stick it out." But when you take money from me, when you break promises, after a while I get tired of the BS. I am imporant too. And on the flip side of that, all it gets me is alone. So **** me.

Anna

Gibbons, stopping drinking doesn't fix everything in your life, but I do hope you continue to try to stop. If the people in your life are letting you down, my suggestion is to move on. You can't change other people and you can't make them do what they promise. The only thing you can do is to change your reaction. So, walk away, move on, find other people who do care enough about you to follow through with promises.

Gibbons2

It is all I have now. Because I am not tolerate? Honest? A good slave? I have no idea. All I can think is I haven't done enough. But you know what? That is what I thought with my Dad too and I guess it wasn't. So live a life alone? What else is there? Trust who? I tried it, didn't pan out. Don't know where to go from here except to fight for myself and sometimes I get tired of trying. Sometimes I get exhausted and would like some help here in my life.

However, I DO believe in me, more than anyone else, yet I would LOVE someone who was honest, decent, live true to what you say, more like me. I have a hell of a time finding it. And if you advice is to "let them go," then truly I was right the first time, I do have to live by myself because I either can't except people changing the rules on me or I do not know how to live with them.

Guess I wasn't such a good slave after all.

Gibbons2

So, walk away, move on, find other people who do care enough about you to follow through with promises.

So how many people would that be Anna? I am old enough, 44, I HAVE tried to find all these "great people." Where are they? Will I ever get married? Will I ever have kids? Getting kinda late, ain't it? Where are these people who DO care? Someone tell me. Really. Where are all these people who love and don't care about their giant egos? Tell me where to find them.

Gibbons2

And this is why me being sober or being involved in AA doesn't work. I DID do the right thing, I always go. I WORKED for a company for 19 years. I am not a sluffer or a slacker. I DID try. I gave them everything I had. But for getting a cut in pay? To work TWO jobs for what I was doing before? This is fair? This is how "the rest of the world" deals with people? That is BEING NICE to me?

I mean, really?

And it always the same. They want more, more, more, I try, try, try until I give up. I GAVE you EVERYTHING I had and that is right? This is the people out here that I can work for? And that is fair? I don't get it.

Even with my own business now, I would NEVER charge them more than what I think is fair and I am even sorry I am here to begin with. Same with my Dad. I wanted to trust them, trust him, I DID give it long enough.


And sure, I can accept it (I guess) to be alone, because what else is there?

tomsteve

so you find all these people that care..you find a million of em.then what?

Gibbons2

But their not there tomsteve, they don't exist. Everyone has a big ego and in the end, even reading the posts on this site, assures me that that is true.

Gibbons2

Here's one: How has your life improved? Perhaps you gained new employment, graduated with a degree, excelled in a new hobby, met a spouse, just something that will help me see that being sober brings good things. I am having trouble staying sober even with the threat of jail at my feet.

Me, me, me, me, me. LOL. All about them, isn't it? Those people who actually care, don't exist.

zerothehero

I'm not going to pretend I can give any advice or solve anything here, but I can relate. One of the reasons I quit drinking is because I hated the way I felt so helpless and angry to change my situation, and more specifically, other people's behaviors. All I can say is that sobriety is helping me feel more at peace with things that used to (and still do sometimes) REALLY make me angry. I believe, though, that I was angering myself. I can't control others, but I can control how I choose to deal with them. Practicing mindfulness is helping me be more accepting. That doesn't mean I'm learning to be a doormat - quite the contrary. But I don't like being angry about my perceived state of the universe. I'm learning to live in a different universe. You seem strong and good, but extremely frustrated. Whenever I feel that way, I go back to my breathing. I couldn't do that when I was drunk.

Aarryckha

Please don't take this as being rude, but, welcome to the real world.

These are things we ALL have/had struggled with.

You need to worry about your life. Make sure your ducks are in a row. That's what you can control. You can't control anyone/anything else.

It sucks to be alone or be disappointed by others. And it hurts... a lot. Have a bad day. Get angry. Feel sad. Then, move on. That's all you can really do.

zerothehero

To be fair, this is SR, and people in recovery are working on themselves. We also write about ourselves in order to help others by sharing our experiences.

You may believe you are writing about others, but make no mistake, you are also writing about yourself.

Gibbons2

Yeah, I know and did that too. I tried mediatation. And yes, it helps. And no, I can't help how others view the world. What I have an issue with I guess, is trying to feel like I fit.

zerothehero

You mean like wanting a sense of belonging even though you're not exactly pleased with humanity?

Gibbons2

And I cannot help how others see the world. This is how I see it. I see why I try hard (19 years), that yes, I DID try. But maybe not enough to them. I don't know. Sometimes I think my work in this world isn't worth very much to others. But then it leaves me with wondering what it is they do want.

zerothehero

Not real clear about the context. Your job, right? Feeling undervalued? Betrayed?

Gibbons2

I quit my job, after all that time, because they wanted me to work two jobs and get less money. I made $10 an hour and STILL bought my own house. I try my ass off but at some point, I do need to be appreciated. I want someone to know my work and efforts and yes, after a while (long time really) I give up.

I have always lived my life TRYING to trust others and I am very confused as to what I am supposed to do to earn it.